update

What I am missing is why any of this means you want to lie or mislead your pdoc about taking your meds.

Because he is pushing Rexulti on me and I don't want to take it. I want lexapro and ritalin only. I don't want an antipsychotic pushed on me.

I know my therapist meant well when she told my pdoc what was going on, but I'm upset by it all. I just wish I was left on the 10mg of lexapro that I was started on back in 2015, instead of going through this whole nightmare with antipsychotics. It's been 4 f_cking years of antipsychotics when this problem could have been solved if I was left on 10mg of Lexapro.

Please stay safe, bluebicycle Just be very careful with the meds you're taking. If any problems how up, try to call your Pdoc or your therapist immediately. Meds are hard to deal with without professional help, even though we don't always like that. I hope things will work out well for you. I respect your decision, just stay safe and be careful, ok? You know we care about you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. Stay well. Sending many hugs to you

Blue, I believe that you are delusional right now.
You are stating false beliefs about your past. We have heard many times from you that you were psychotic. Hallucinations, paranoia, delusions etc are all part of psychosis which is a feature of mania and bipolar 1.
Why deny the truth about your past psychosis?
bizi

Unfortunately it is part of the illness process in some cases to deny psychosis or to question the diagnosis and medications. It's not at all uncommon in bipolar. Sometimes people have to literally hit some kind of bottom in life like I did before they will accept they have a psychotic illness.

What I still don't understand is why fake taking meds to the psychiatrist? Are you afraid he will stop prescribing the meds you want if you tell him the truth about not taking Rexulti?

Oh Blue, I think your making a horrible mistake I think you are delusional and have lost rational thinking right now.

But when you crash we will all be here for you

I think it’s not true. My pdoc and therapist were feeding me lies to make me THINK there was a problem. They want me on a tranquilizer (AKA rexulti) because they want to control me—and for what reason, I don’t know. I just know that they both are ganging up on me and that they’re watching me through secret cameras scattered throughout my workplace. And after I got to work, I realized that they had obviously hidden a camera in my CAR. It gave me a panic attack since I couldn’t find it. I just folded my seats down and put my blue tarp over everything so that no one can see me anymore. (They are these tiny cameras the size of your index finger.) I’m panicking right now because they probably know I’m still not going to take the rexulti.

As I said to bizi, rexulti is about control. And yes, I’m afraid that he will stop prescribing Ritalin and lexapro.

I took my first lexapro 10mg dose last night and half of my lamictal (which is now 200mg).

I think I’ll be ok. Just gotta wait until lexapro does its job. Then I’ll feel a lot better.

Only thing I’m dealing with this morning is some agitation. But I was crying all last night because I felt ganged up on and I was scared. I almost left my therapist a voicemail asking why she was doing this to me, but I was sobbing, so there was no way I could leave a voicemail when I was feeling like that, since I doubt she’d be able to understand me while I was sobbing. I do want to confront her about it, though...

They will probably know just from your behavior and your symptoms. What do you normally do when you think people behind spy cameras are watching you?

I barricade my apartment door, then go into my bedroom and barricade that too so that no one comes in.

I’m at work right now and have been panicking for the past 3 hours because I feel a presence around me even though I can’t see anybody. I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t tell anyone about this though, for my own safety. Plus, my therapist and pdoc will just try to control me with the rexulti. They are not to be trusted.

What concerns do you have about your safety?

Is there anything we can do for you, blue?
I hope all ends up okay for you

I've had very similar thoughts and behaviors. Now I recognize that as a symptom of psychosis. But if a person doesn't see it that way, I don't think any rational argument can convince them. In between periods of medication compliance I was determined at times that my beliefs were the correct ones and people were conspiring against me to take away my freedom. I wonder how many other people in the forum have had similar experiences. I just wanted to say that this is the kind of thing I start to think when I am getting psychotic.

I'm concerned about you. Who can you trust right now that you could talk to about this? You do not sound well. Also you might want to watch out for that agitation if it's new. It was a sign for me that Lexapro was making me more unwell.

An AD and a stimulant are dangerous drugs to be on without an AP and a mood stabilizer. You do sound delusional. The irony is that it is not your pdoc and T that are trying to control you, it's you. You're playing doctor and you picked a dangerous drug combo for a person with psychotic symptoms to be on. I sincerely hope you don't lose your job over this plan of action and end up involuntarily hospitalized. Whatever happens PC will be there for you.

I would also ask her what her motivation would be for hiding cameras to spy on you. Of course if one has such thoughts, one would be deeply suspicious of the motivation of someone who is supposed to be helping. It can be a very isolating, lonely experience to go through a paranoid psychosis.

I also mention that being involuntarily hospitalized and maybe losing one's job is not the worst thing that can happen to a person who is having and acting on delusional thoughts. Last time this happened to me I ended up doing extraordinarily dangerous things and am lucky I didn't end up hurting anyone or myself. But I did end up for a month in a forensic psychiatric ward and charged with various crimes. I believed that people were spying inside my house and I was part of a global conspiracy to take over the world. It really depends on how far this goes how dangerous it can become. Once the boundary between real and unreal thoughts opens up.

I am only speaking for myself now, my own experience with the outcomes of paranoid psychosis.

Well, I left my therapist a voicemail earlier today around 10am. I told her I was concerned about "someone" planting cameras in my car and around my office building. Then we talked for a bit and she said, "I know you're fearful. Who do you think is doing this? Did someone threaten you?" I said, "No, no one threatened me. I'm concerned that you have planted cameras in my car and around the office building to make sure I take my rexulti." She promised me that she would never do that, and then she asked, "What did your psychiatrist say yesterday when he talked to you about rexulti?" I said, "He told me to take it." Then she said, "Is there a reason you don't want to take it anymore?" I said, "because it's not safe to take. I don't trust it." Then she offered to discuss this with me in person. So, I guess we're going to discuss it next week.

I still keep sensing a presence though. It's a supernatural force emitting energy that only I can feel right now. It's right above my shoulders on my neck area. I have to keep turning around to look because it's pestering me, but I can't physically see the force. It's just THERE. The energy... I can feel it. It won't leave me alone; it's like a leech that won't let go. It's been like this since 5:30am when I got to work.

I think I'll be ok with Lexapro and Ritalin together, even without an AP and a mood stabilizer.

I left work early today because the supernatural force was bothering me too much. I kept trying to type on my laptop, but I had to keep turning around. I just wasn't being productive.

Now that I'm at my apartment, though... I'm going to go outside and look through my car to check for cameras. Since I had covered everything with the blue tarp in my car, I'll just lift up the tarp and use my phone flashlight thing to investigate.

It's great you can talk to your therapist in between sessions. Did you share your fear that she and your pdoc are trying to control you with Rexulti and are not to be trusted?

No, I did not. I'm saving that for our in-person conversation. I want to figure out her (hidden) motives.

I did not find any cameras in my car yesterday, so I'm happy about that. (I spent a good half hour looking through every inch of my car, feeling the floors etc in case there were cameras attached.) However, that has nothing to do with the hidden cameras at work. They're hidden in the tiled ceiling and well, (1.) I can't reach the ceiling even on a chair because the ceilings must be at least 20ft high, and (2.) even if I could, people would be staring at me because they wouldn't understand.

The supernatural force has still been on my back, though, radiating energy. Even when I lie down in my bed or recline in my recliner, I can still feel it. It's there. Taking a shower last night helped so that I could go to sleep, but now it's back and it's bothering me again. I was panicking all night up until I took that shower at like 11pm.