On disability, but feeling I should help my aging dad more

My dad visited my husband and me along with my brother tonight (Saturday). I was under stress myself with issues relating to the dinner, but clearly noticed my dad was sitting on my sofa in distress. He was saying how overwhelmed he is with bills and financial matters. He looked like he was on the verge of crying, but I confess I tried to distract him from his woes rather than talking to him about them. My brother, who lives with him, angrily said he'd help dad, but my brother can barely keep on top of his own stuff, even living at my dad's for free. Plus, my brother's offer sounded insincere.

In the recent year, I have been managing to do most (not all) housework, chores, and errands and put both a nice breakfast and dinner on the table almost every day. I also have weekly therapy and my psychiatrist every three weeks, plus occasional other appointments. We have a housekeeper come every other Monday, which we can't really afford, to do really nitty gritty cleaning. I've offered to fire her, but hubby doesn't trust that I would be capable of doing what she does, and he doesn't want to end up having to do it. We like a clean and tidy house. My husband handles all of the bills, works full-time at a job he hates, and does a few minor chores to help me.

So today is not the first time I've felt I needed to start helping Dad out. Besides him needing help with financial stuff, I've wanted to help him clean up his house a bit. Would you believe he even has a weekly housekeeper? But she's a joke. The last time I was at his house I told him that the furniture looked like it hadn't been dusted in a year. The time before I drew his attention to enough cob webs to qualify for a horror house. The rest of the house looked horrible, too. The floors are never properly cleaned. I told him to get a better housekeeper, but my dad seems to "feel bad" for the woman. I offered to dust his house, but he refused saying he would ask the housekeeper to do it. Why does she need to be reminded to dust?

My dad's house is a mess mostly because my brother is an extreme mess. His crap is all over the place. There was a leaf blower on my dad's dining room table the last time I was there, and beehive paraphernalia in the room, too, among many other things. The dining room table is full of stuff! My sister, who lives down the road, never complains because her husband and son are hoarders. She, like my dad, basically gives up on having an organized clean house. She does, however, handle her bills properly. But my sister works a full-time job and then comes home to cook and do the few chores she does manage to do (i.e. laundry, cooking). I can't expect her to help that much. Her husband and son do nothing! Her husband "retired" in his 40s, and my nephew is partially disabled with an autism spectrum disorder.

I guess my point to this is that I feel that my dad needs me. My husband wants me to start helping my dad with financials. Same husband that never trusted me to do ours. I feel like I should spend a few hours every month cleaning his house. I feel like if I could do a good straightening up of his house (tame my brother's junk) that maybe I could convince Dad to get a better housekeeper. I feel like his only child that cares enough for his well-being. But at the same time the prospect of all of this feels overwhelming.

My dad has been ill for a while. I'm still sort of ill. How does one disabled person help another person who is becoming disabled? And how do I help tame the chaos around him?

My husband and I may be moving to Europe in a few years because we can no longer afford where we live. I'm concerned.

I live with and care for my 83 year old mother. I help her with bills, finances, meals, house keeping, driving her to her many appointments and many other things. Currently she is incapacitated due to a broken ankle that is not healing properly. This is on top of all the minutiae (PT, tdoc, pdoc, social life, daughter, etc) of my own personal life. It’s a heavy load sometimes and I’m not spread between two households like you would be.

It sounds like your dad could use your help BUT not at the expense of your well being. You could start with his finances and bills and see how you handle that added responsibility then proceed from there.

I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace. Good luck.

I would start with going to your dad's house while his housekeeper is there and watch her clean. I bet she won't miss a spot if you're there inspecting her work.

I'm not great with finances so I can't give advice on that. I say start by paying utilities just to make sure he has power and hot water at all times.

Yes as mentioned be there when the housekeeper is there if her day doesn’t work with your schedule you can request she change HER schedule so you can be there to watch her. No need for your dad to pay for help and no actually get much.

I say do what you can to help don’t over commit. But any help would be good for him and maybe you also.

I’m sorry Bird Dancer, I didn’t consider that bills/finances might not be your thing. I’m a CPA so that’s the easiest aspect for me and I’m cleaning the house so I’ve no need to supervise myself.

It’s true good help is invaluable. When mom first fell down the escalator, I had two friends come in (I paid them) who are dynamite at cleaning and organization set up the house for an invalid with a wheelchair.

That’s a great idea the other two posters had about evaluating the housekeeper. At some point though, somebody will probably need to help your dad with bills since that could be what’s troubling him so.

This is alot for one person. Why do you feel like its all your job? Have you flat out had a conversation with your sister about you not being able to handle it all? What would happen if you took a step back? would your brother and sister let your dad starve? It shouldnt all be on your shoulders.

Thanks, everyone! I think I will ask my dad when his housekeeper comes. I just have to see even what she's doing. I certainly know what she isn't. I'm sure she won't like it, but that's too bad.

My sister has said in the past that she could help with our dad's bills, I guess I feel bad for her. She's had a lot of physical health issues and deals with a lot with my brother-in-law. She actually has bipolar type 2, as well, but her bipolar disorder is not disabling for her. I am not intellectually incapable of handling financial matters. I'm even great at math and problem solving. They just stress me out and I can be unreliable at handling them. Sometimes talking to lousy customer service reps at places drives me into anger outbursts. That's why my husband does ours. In my husband's and my case, it's stressful knowing the money isn't always there for bills, or that strategies need to be developed to get past that. My dad has more than sufficient funds at this time.

----You have enough to manage without all that. Have a family meeting and put some agreed upon items down on paper. Replace the housekeeper. Dont teach the housekeeper how to be a housekeeper, darn. People can be hired to assist w other issues, sometimes the right roommate can solve some problems. I need to do this type of thing myself because I am currently crumbling under the pressure of making medical decisions for my ex who was capable of this for decades (excellent algebra teacher), just wants someone else to do it or ignore things and pay the price, a huge price when it comes to our health. It was sort of my job but now it is eating up my life and my identity like a pac man game, gobbling up parts of my soul. Must problem solve, not get further triggered by this. Me too, for sure. Together we can all search for solutions! One step at a time is so hard sometimes. We definitely need to be kind to ourselves and reward ourselves for each step along the way.

Hi luvyrself. You're right that I need to talk to my sister and brother about helping Dad with his paperwork and bills. I confess that since I started this thread I've neglected to follow up on this issue. Last week I told my dad I wanted to get together with him. I called him to arrange a date and he vetoed all days because he's "too busy". "Too busy" with his cafe buddies, I believe. I offered to come on Tuesday, and he said "The housekeeper will be her on that day, so no." I then mentioned I'd like to see her work. He flat out said "No". He told me he likes her no matter what she does and doesn't do. It's hard to fight that. I guess the next time I go to his house I'll bring some Pledge and a dusting rag.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all of this, BirdDancer It's admirable that you want to help your father, but please don't neglect yourself. You are important as well. I'd suggest to try to teach your dad how to do those things that he's not able to do by himself, like paying the bills or cleaning up the house. That way he will be able to do them by yourself, even if you do decide to go away some day. Remember that you can only do so much to help him. The final decision is up to him. He's the one that needs to improve if he wants to get better. From what you wrote, he doesn't seem too interested in doing this. I'd suggest to talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe that could help. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to try to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. I agree with luvyurself that you have every right to ask for help to your sister. She's her dad, too, after all. Don't be afraid to ask for help! You have every right to do it and it's not fair that you should do it all by yourself, like sarahsweets and all the others have already wisely said. Remember to take care of yourself as well! You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you, BirdDancer. You're a strong, wonderful person and you deserve to get better. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your family