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yellow_fleurs
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 05:39 AM
  #341
I am feeling lethargic lately. I do not feel that depressed exactly, but more physically off. Could be depression? I maybe just have a flare up of my autoimmune symptoms, not sure. Joints are also more sore and I feel a bit bloated, too. I perk up sometimes with coffee and feel totally fine for a bit but it comes back. I think it is affecting my work a little, I get less done and cannot think as fast.

I did have a good time with by boyfriend visiting. We did some fun activities together like bowling. That's all the energy I have right now for an update. Time to get ready for work.
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Trig Mar 27, 2019 at 12:12 PM
  #342
even though I've not felt suicidal today, I have had a very difficult day (or morning I should say) having a meeting with a person about end of life care.

well, I've always been saying I want to tell someone what I want to happen, and today was it

and yes, it was difficult- though the guy listened and told me that he understood, the fact I was even talking to a guy (not a girl) freaked me out

the afternoon's been better, but very draining. after all those thoughts and an intense conversation, I didn't want to do much

sat down and watched life in peaces

now I'm hungry though. want my sausages
 
 
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 02:02 PM
  #343
Have you ever been kicked out of a site?.
Well, I have. Many times. Like 6 or 7.
I call 'em as I see 'em. Bad for biz.
I don't owe them anything. In fact, I'm helping
with my limited knowledge.
And I publish for personal satisfaction, most of the time.

This is not the case here.
I feel a LOT of gratitude for all of you.
You got me by while I was in my darker path.
That's why I try to visit daily.

Today, I was about to be kicked again.
I told off bluntly last night, a dude talking about light.
My favorite hobby and biz.
Repeating like a parrot what he read.
People tend to believe that, because is printed is true.

Anyway, I went to register again with a different name,
and to my surprise, I'm still in.
My comment lives. And life is good.
The other guy recognized he was wrong, and I
apologized for being blunt.
Next case.
It's hard to get a hold of myself sometimes.
Will it happen again. Hell yes.
Mankind isn't getting me out of my crazy ways.

Cheers.

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If lemons fall from the sky, make lemonade. Unknown.
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 02:29 PM
  #344
Ugh, now I'm worried again. Just got a call from the rheumatologist. I had just thought I might have low iron (often I do), but lately I have gotten to the point of craving/chewing crushed ice a lot, so I just figured my iron count was perhaps lower, nothing major.

She is concerned because I am very anemic, and my hemoglobin has dropped a lot in 8 months. She's sending off the lab results to the GI doctor, who I just saw this morning before getting this info, and she is concerned of a slow bleed somewhere in the GI tract. I am sure this is going to mean more tests and just what that might show.

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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 02:49 PM
  #345
I didn’t walk as far today. Feeling very tired and it’s chilly so I don’t want to be outside. Next four days should be warmer so I will have no excuse. Plus RS will be here so I can walk with him.

I’m mad because my car’s check engine light is on. I can’t drive until April 5th so it’s not a big deal now but I’ll have to get it checked out as soon as possible. Of course the car is JUST out of warranty so anything that’s wrong will be my responsibility. The last time my check engine light was on I drove it around like that for a year (different car) and I ended up supposedly needing a new transmission, though I’m not sure I believe that. I’m wary of anything involving my car because I’m a woman and I think dealerships and mechanics prey on women, especially single women, because they think we don’t know anything about cars. Well unfortunately that’s true for me, I don’t know **** about cars. But RS does, and he won’t let me get ripped off. He’s got a scanner for the engine so he can tell me what’s wrong and help me find somewhere to get it fixed.

I have to walk farther tomorrow to make up for my lazy day today.

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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #346
Wildflower I often think the same thing about mechanics. There was a time I could do most things to a car but then they changed and became all power and computer driven. I need to look for a new car but hate dealing with sellers and all the negotiating of a car purchase.

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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 06:44 PM
  #347
I learned more piano today. I got the left hand going too. It's really hard but i'm in no rush. To get a good sound out of my keyboard i have to really HAMMER on the keys and now my right hand and arm hurt. I'm sure i'll build up the strength tho. It was a sunny day but with a nasty wind. I wore shoes (not boots) for the first time this year!
 
 
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 08:08 PM
  #348
Checking in after a few days off social media so I’m behind on everyone’s updates. Doing really well and getting back into the groove of things. I had my physical this week and the bloodwork came back with really good results which surprised me greatly for reasons I won’t go into.

Going to meet with my new NP Tuesday for the first time. I have mixed feelings about that whole situation but I’ll give it a shot.

Talked to my sister for a long time today. She will be going to Florida with us for at least part of the two weeks (boo) but is probably going to bring a friend (yay) which means she’ll be on her best behavior. No screaming or tantrums...hallelujah.

I’ve been really lonely irl the past several days even surrounded by family. It’s time to get back into the swing of things socially. I never feel lonely with you guys though. I’m grateful for that.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 09:41 PM
  #349
I was a little down and out today... at times depressive thoughts..But yet I was ok and hopeful and happy too... can't fully explain.
I see the therapist on Thursday which .. I am just wondering if this will be worth it all... and again?? Maybe I am just one of the ones that is a self medicater ... I dont want to lose myself, my way, what I feel deeply... I just need more time I think at moments.

I dislike having to re explain ... I dislike so much ... but I am needing something as I am causing trouble I feel like. Plus just me,.. the realization i crashed hurts i think... "why can't i get a grip and hang on to it??"

Ya know how Facebook shows memories 2017 and 2014 I was obviously agitated.. 2017 mentioned something like that day would be the day I'd piss everyone off... funny yesterday I had that feeling as well and was laughing about it... 2014 I posted something about giving a meme to a **** head ...
So much anger...

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Default Mar 27, 2019 at 10:47 PM
  #350
Saw my T today , I always feel better after an hour in his dusty ole office, best smell in the world to me. I love my T in a non creepy transference way.

We are working on some massive trauma that hit me a few days ago .. it brought up a situation that happened in Florida. I just want it to fade into the back of my head again. There will always be times it’s front and center. I hate knowing that it’s just 1 trigger away. But it is what it is.

I’m very tired, last night my husband and I loaded 48 boxes of flooring , each box weighs almost 50 lbs !

What have I learned ??? I am weak as a 3 day old puppy. It really shocked me to really see how poor my muscles are. It’s no wonder I always feel exhausted. I need to start walking , sad thing is it will flare up my PsA. As if my pain isn’t bad enough ( thank you Fibromyalgia) my neck has been throbbing to thanks spinal stenosis!!!!!! poor me booo hooo stop whining already Christina !

Things could always be worse

Hugs and cookies to anyone needing them ~

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 12:37 AM
  #351
Hello all; I realized I am getting bad when it comes to updates anymore. I've just been busy with a lot of things that it's sometimes hard to type out an update. Work is work and going very well.

I hung out with R after work we got our nails done since it had been two weeks and it was time to get them redone. Then after getting my nails done it was time to get to church for Bible Study which was well. We went out with M's parents and G and his wife; as per the standard anymore.

Hugs to everyone

~Christina thank's for the cookies they were delicous

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 04:44 AM
  #352
Well the update fiend in back. I just can't stop updating atm. Today was interesting. I had a cortisone injection into my hip early this morning. It was painful not bad. That or the anaesthetic dragged me to bed for a hour. I woke very groggy so I took some Modafinal I had from a year ago - or so I thought. Getting more tired I took another 100 mg of it. After that I could barely walk or speck. I checked the table sheet and it was for 200mg SEROQEL tabs! They looked exactly the same as the modafinal. My error still should have read the sheet before taking it.

Anyway , as I had a pdoc appointment at 2pm. My Mum was always able to take me but I hate having to rely on my parents for anything. Appointment went ok. Glad I didn't have much today as I would not have been able to speak or write. lol. He wrote me the scripts I need so all is well. Se him in three weeks. I think he will clear me for work at that point.

Now it is almost 6 pm and can again speed and walk. The next few days I have been told to rest but stay active at times too. Just have Apple trying to fix my iMac, good shopping/scripts and then swimming on Sunday. So excited to be able to rest.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 12:44 PM
  #353
Hey! When did they flip the thanks and hugs?! (Same position to choose, but flipped under the posts). Weird. Wonder why. Well, not too much, I just can't imagine it being a thing.

I'm doing alright. Last 3 days to do work in the studio. () By sheer fortuitous coincidence though, I've got these 3 days off. So I plan to be there a LOT.

My thinking has been very mixed up lately. Not helped by weird dreams. I've got it under control, but I wish something would happen to snap me out of it. I still have no psych providers (the one the new insurance said was in network doesn't work where they said and hasn't for some time now), so am just running on refill scripts. I should do something about it I suppose, but I'm already feeling overwhelmed by bureaucracy. No T either, though I'm meeting with one at my old place middle of April. Will have to bring financials to determine if it's a go. Probably won't actually be able to see them. Wha wha whaaa, I know. But I could really use it right now to get my head right.

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Heart Mar 28, 2019 at 01:58 PM
  #354
A warm hello to all!

I have been MIA; yet, think of you daily. I also read daily.

In addition to Bipolar illness, I also live with a background of a lot of trauma.
That was all triggered a few weeks ago, creating ongoing/chronic dissociation.

I see my pdoc/therapist every week, so she is keeping a close eye upon me.

I am usually somewhat dazed when reading and/or writing. Each day is very difficult.

Thanks so very much for your many supportive posts. I still need to respond and will do so as soon as I can. 'it took a lot to simply write this note.

Much love and appreciation to all!

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 02:13 PM
  #355
Bad night last night, vomited shortly after going to bed so I lost all my night meds. I did manage to fall asleep for about an hour and a half. Had a manic dream, dreamed that I was manic and woke in so much pain and my hands were burning hot and dry just like they do when I get manic. It was so attractive, that burning intense wildness in which you know 100% that everything you do is right. But man I can't even handle a manic dream without my body being in pain. I'm too old to have a real mania episode. Have arthritis of the spine so any lack of rest causes flare ups. Don't know when but while it was still dark took a full ambian tablet and managed to get some more sleep, enough that the hot hands and burning back calmed down. But boy there's some parts of the mania I miss, the confidence and conviction of my beliefs the feeling of invincibility. But boy I can't physically handle it. Dreams like this is what keeps me talking my meds and doing self care.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 02:22 PM
  #356
So glad to hear from you WIld Coyote! I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I’m sending warm hugs to you that you will get through this tough period in your life.

I walked for six minutes today, a minute longer than the past few days. It helps that it’s so beautiful out today! And tomorrow and Saturday are supposed to be even better. Right now I’m sitting outside just enjoying the fresh air. It’s a bit chilly for me in the shade though.

I’ve been spending lots of time with RS. We are becoming a genuine family. We’ve only been dating for four months but we’ve already been talking about marriage in a couple of years. I just know he’s the one I’m meant to be with. I felt it with my late husband and I feel it with him. He’s really been a rock throughout my back surgery saga. He helps with whatever I need. He’s really been a treasure. I can’t describe how appreciative I am of him and how much I love him already. It’s the greatest feeling in the world.

Well enough sappiness lol. I hope everyone is doing well and big hugs to those that are struggling.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 03:01 PM
  #357
I'm checking in today because tomorrow I'm leaving early for ECT.

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #358
My internal antenna says no to the therapists I saw today..... it's not him it's me, I can put myself through where someone knows trauma exists but doesn't really know how to respond to it. He also told me he is pretty booked up with others.
Oh and one Last thing, one session and he mentioned "sometimes the bipolar diagnosis fits at one point and not later". So 2011 &2017 it fit but not now?

I talked too much, and dissociated...
Go to another I guess.. may just go back to where they screwed me on the bill.. because I liked that therapist

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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #359
Had therapy today. She surprised me by starting off asking me where I was with the Lyme disease and how I was doing with it. It's been years since I have been treated and still have some residual symptoms, although better than before. She explained intrusive thoughts can be related to Lyme disease and maybe that was the case for me.

We also discussed that she does not see any signs of bipolar disorder despite the diagnosis (or any of the other things I am worrying about like personality disorders). I know that I have moods that cycle, but I have to agree I do not think I quite reach hypomania except with the wrong meds. She wanted me to consider seeing their nurse about medication for intrusive thoughts, but I said I would at least want them to have my records from my psychiatrist since he saw me for about a year and I apparently react atypically. She mentioned zoloft, but I really think SSRIs are a terrible idea for me and don't think I'll be experimenting with that anytime soon.

So yeah, seems like I possibly do not have bipolar disorder. I wonder if there is any reason to go back to my psychiatrist to discuss. Maybe at least to consider options for OCD which is sounds like I probably do have. It is a bit strange to think if I do not have bipolar, than I will just have an incorrect diagnosis in my medical charts unless I get them to change it.
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Default Mar 28, 2019 at 06:40 PM
  #360
Driving by through the neighborhood...

I hope those of you who are struggling find some solace and relief.

Sewing is taking up way more time than I thought it would, mainly because I'm being more thorough with fitting to my non-proportional body. Seams have to be moved, hems have to be tailored. Lots of calculations and just plain dumb luck sometimes. Today, though, I had an issue with the sewing machine so took it to the local dealer. Turns out the machine isn't the issue, but couldn't leave without buying something. Now have to measure hubby to make him clothes as a reward. Silly me. It keeps me going, though.

I'm finding that creativity is also spilling into the kitchen as well. I made a soup from scratch and it turned out pretty good. Yesterday I did fried rice with some tuna. That also turned out well.

See T on Monday, pnurse week after that.

My husband noticed that I'm becoming more agitated lately. I hope that's not hypomania, but it may be that the weather's getting better and it's time to do stuff before it gets too hot again.
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