Piano was interesting and challenging again today. I can play a few bars of "Light My Fire" by The Doors. I'm happy to think that i'm stimulating my brain and keeping it young and healthy and flexible. I was sick of Scrabble.

My microwave died last Fall and i didn't replace it as i wanted to make better use of my range. But an accident with the oven tonight convinced me to go back to a 'wave. It was quite upsetting and made a mess tho i think the burns are just first-degree as icing took care of the pain. That's the third accident i've had with the oven and i just don't think using it on a regular basis is a good idea. I'm recalling that BlueBerryBook had an accident with the oven too. They're a hazard.

I decided to go back off Wellbutrin as the only thing it is doing is drying my mouth out. It's only the third time since i started taking meds 27 years ago that i have adjusted my meds on my own.

The snow is going, but slowly. Today was mild but overcast. It was the first day i walked my dog without her coat this year. I'll miss it. I sort of like dressing her!

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I am typing up hopefully a long update tonight I know I've been a bit stingy with my updates as of late and I apologize for that. I am doing well work was a little odd today; lots of complaints for some reason.

I am busy trying to get next weeks assignments done this week so I when next week happens I can just focus on what I need to without school demanding that time. I also see my Cardiologist next week which I am sure will go just fine since I've made it a month without needing him.

I am a little worried about M's surgery next week.

Hugs to everyone

Wild Coyote It was nice seeing you post; I have missed seeing you around the forums. Sorry that you are dealing with everything you are dealing with. Thank you for thinking of us though.

[Victoria'smom]

I’m around. I stopped seeing my T and Pdoc and am surviving off of leftover meds. I don’t want to go back but will eventually have to or end up in the hospital. Everyone thinks I’m taking it properly but I’m not. I just want to be done with this mental health ****. I probably have 2 mths of meds the way I’m taking them.

Possible trigger:

I really want to get high on the ambein

. I wish I was someone else. I hate not being sunshine and rainbows. Even on meds I’m not a smiley
Person. Maybe it’s the scizo part? It’s only a matter of time before DH leaves me. My son is spending a lot of his time at his friends house. I may be getting paranoid. I don’t think I can stand dropping to the 7.5 mg I’m supposed to be on. I wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t feel like they’re trying to hospitalize me or I’m in trouble.

My parents won’t be coming to his graduation next year. They don’t see it as a big deal because he’s smart. (they’re making a huge deal about my sister’s kid’s graduating). I was already asked why I would throw a party for him but they throw the party for my nephew. Miguel notices this. He worked his *** off to graduate both mentally and physically. Finishing high school is a huge deal. It’s not like he’s stable. I’m just happy he continues to breathe. No one sees his struggle. I can’t imagine how hurt he must feel. Yes he has been there when they said this. I was told if he graduates in December then they’ll go.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I’m around. I stopped seeing my T and Pdoc and am surviving off of leftover meds. I don’t want to go back but will eventually have to or end up in the hospital. Everyone thinks I’m taking it properly but I’m not. I just want to be done with this mental health ****. I probably have 2 mths of meds the way I’m taking them.

Possible trigger:

I really want to get high on the ambein

. I wish I was someone else. I hate not being sunshine and rainbows. Even on meds I’m not a smiley
Person. Maybe it’s the scizo part? It’s only a matter of time before DH leaves me. My son is spending a lot of his time at his friends house. I may be getting paranoid. I don’t think I can stand dropping to the 7.5 mg I’m supposed to be on. I wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t feel like they’re trying to hospitalize me or I’m in trouble.

My parents won’t be coming to his graduation next year. They don’t see it as a big deal because he’s smart. (they’re making a huge deal about my sister’s kid’s graduating). I was already asked why I would throw a party for him but they throw the party for my nephew. Miguel notices this. He worked his *** off to graduate both mentally and physically. Finishing high school is a huge deal. It’s not like he’s stable. I’m just happy he continues to breathe. No one sees his struggle. I can’t imagine how hurt he must feel. Yes he has been there when they said this. I was told if he graduates in December then they’ll go.

I am so sorry life is especially difficult right now. The most important thing to focus on is your health. I understand wanting to push the boundaries but it almost always ends bad for me. Is there anyone in your circle who you can talk honestly with and not be judged? I think bouncing ideas off others always helps as long as its the right person. Otherwise we are here for you. Stay safe and keep posting.

[Wander]

Well I am no longer drunk from my accidental Seroquel kind of partial OD yesterday. lol. I was a mess. My poor pdoc struggled to communicate with me as I slurred my words. Good thing is he didn't chastise me or make a big deal out of it. (see my last post if you want details). I am tired though but am not sure if its normal Fibromyalgia, an effect of the cortisone injection, or the Seroquel. Oh well. I am supposed to rest for a few day after the injection anyway.

My mood is upbeat but stable. So fed up with medical appointments though. I had six this last week for various reasons. Next week only two thankfully. Waiting for the Apple guy to call and continue to help me fix my iMac. It better work as I spent $3000 on it in a manic spree. I now only use it to edit photos. It's great for that but I didn't need the biggest and best one available.

My T wants me to give my Mum Enduring Power of Attorney over my finances that would be enacted if I was manic. The thought embarrasses me but I have lost a lot of money in the past. Recently I have begun giving my Mum all my cash and credit card when I see I'm heading in that direction. She is learning to spot the signs now too so I think that should be enough to keep my money where it should be.

I could babble on for pages as I am chatty but I wont continue to bore you all.

I just formally signed up to attend my 30th high school reunion. This will actually be the very first one I have ever attended. I only really kept in touch with one high school friend, until recently when I found another good one through Facebook. I went to a small private school, and at the time my class had only 25 students. Despite the small number, I was only somewhat friends with a few students. It was only a year after my first major bipolar episode. I had had a rather traumatic experience at a previous school. The private school was nice, but I isolated a lot. Honestly, not that many students knew me well at all. I've been thinking about what to say to people there. It's tough! These things are often brag sessions about careers and children. Right now I have neither. I think I look almost exactly the same as in high school, other than being a lot chunkier and obviously a bit older.

This morning I went to take my morning medications and realized that I forgot yesterday's. That's unusual for me, but when it does happen, it happens because I had trouble getting up in the morning. That's exactly what happened yesterday. The only reason I had trouble is because I stayed up too late at night the night before. That's not good for me, I know. Last night I conked out quite early and woke up feeling pretty good. As for the results of missing yesterday's morning medications? I did have a bit of anxiety yesterday morning, but nothing really beyond that. That's unusual, too. Usually I feel unwell a number of hours into the day when I've missed my morning medications. I never fully miss my evening medications, because if I forget them, I always eventually remember them because I can't sleep.

[fern46]

I had a productive morning. I wrote for a few hours and outlined several chapters in what might turn out to be a book. I haven't committed to it fully yet, but I've enjoyed the creative process thus far. Maybe I'll actually complete it one day. I've had trouble completing efforts in the past and I'd like to see something like this completed. I've read leaving efforts unfinished is a bipolar trait, so maybe my meds will help me finish this time.

It is a nice day out. Time for a picnic! Happy Friday to everyone and well wishes for a healthy and balanced day.

My day has just started-- just woke up at 12:30pm. I was up most of the night as I couldn't sleep. Still at a bit of a loss when it comes to a sense of self and what I can even achieve anymore, but I'm ok.

[tecomsin]

I was doing a google search to see if I could find anything still left on the web about my mother and found out I made it on to a wikipedia list of significant Canadian Jews. I am not violating my anonymity by saying this as there are a lot of people on it, more than a 1000 I think.

I haven't worked in more than 5 years so this is based on my accomplishments before that. It didn't appear in the first 100 of google results if I just search my name, so it is an accident that that particular wikipedia list has not only my last name but my mother's first name and the surname she changed to after she divorced.

My son was impressed but my sister didn't even respond when I texted that to her.

I feel great to be able to toot my own horn about something for a change.

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I was doing a google search to see if I could find anything still left on the web about my mother and found out I made it on to a wikipedia list of significant Canadian Jews. I am not violating my anonymity by saying this as there are a lot of people on it, more than a 1000 I think.

I haven't worked in more than 5 years so this is based on my accomplishments before that. It didn't appear in the first 100 of google results if I just search my name, so it is an accident that that particular wikipedia list has not only my last name but my mother's first name and the surname she changed to after she divorced.

My son was impressed but my sister didn't even respond when I texted that to her.

I feel great to be able to toot my own horn about something for a change.

tecomsin, thanks for sharing this story! Not only am I happy you found that list, but I really appreciate the positive message it represents.

Way too often, people (with a mental illness or not) fall into times when they feel dissatisfied with their situations or often, themselves. Everything can seem horrible. It can be easy to forget the good in ourselves/others and our accomplishments. Many people can start to minimize them exceedingly and look at themselves as worthless or hopeless. It's simply not the case, for anyone!

I mentioned earlier that my 30th high school reunion is coming up. I never attended a reunion before, but plan to in May. I was looking in my yearbook, and even found some old grade reports that I kept from my junior and senior years. At that school, each teacher would not only provide a grade each trimester, but a paragraph (or three) about each students' performance, characteristics, etc. The grade reports started to make me cry, as did looking at my past teachers' photos. There was praise by the teachers, and also comments about how I was clearly too hard on myself.

I've been thinking a lot about this high school reunion lately. What do I say to people? I've been on disability for over eight years? I don't even have any children. Would I seem to be a failure to others, even though I showed so much promise earlier in my life?

Well, I know I'm not a failure! I've actually accomplished a great deal. Maybe some of the "usual" accomplishments are past tense, but they existed, and will mean something for the rest of my life. And then what about these last 14 years I've struggled with a major mental illness? Honestly, they were so extremely difficult! I know now how much strength it took for me to survive them. A strength many people don't have. We are all extremely strong here. No one call yourself weak! If you do, it's the illness talking.

In my final high school advisor report, my teacher and advisor wrote:

"...Sometimes one's last weeks in high school can be quite sweet--if one has already...figured out how to deal with all the rules and all the people, and has confidence in one's ability to learn. If this isn't quite a sweet time for [BirdDancer], it's because she hasn't quite mastered all of the above. But there's still time!"

I went on to do a great number of things and achieved a lot prior to the worst years of my illness 15 years ago, and yet, despite more seemingly laudable accomplishments of the past, I hadn't yet "mastered all of the above" that my teacher/advisor mentioned. I now think I have, even sitting on my bed today, without a career, still on disability.

My life is hopefully far from over. There's plenty I can do in the future, and I look forward to it. However, I feel pretty darned satisfied with what I've done and learned in my life. I feel mostly at peace.

As side notes, that same teacher/advisor noted my tendency for "logorrhea" in a report she wrote in my junior year. I still need to work on curbing that! My moodstabilizers and antipsychotic alone don't cut it. Also, I graduated at the top of my class in high school. I didn't feel like I deserved to, at the time.

Maybe I'm not that well right now. I hope my neighbors didn't hear me. I'm sweating because I just acted out a major verbal and physical fight with the people that owe us money. It was just me ironing in the meantime. I think I should take a prn Seroquel.

Update: I just took 50 mg Seroquel IR. I wonder if forgetting my morning medications yesterday is some factor in this.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m in a weird place today. A couple of days ago I received a phone call - on MY cell phone - for my late husband. I was shocked when they asked for him and told them he was deceased. I didn’t even ask who was calling because I was so surprised. The woman wanted the date of his death and I complied. I’m going to assume it was his credit card company who keeps sending nasty letters saying they are going to sue him for the amount he owes (to which I say good luck, let me know how it goes).

Anyway I guess that trigger something in me because now I’ve been thinking about the morning I found him. It’s very upsetting and disturbing to me. It’s coming up on four years and I’ve gone through every emotion I think I could go through and now I’m remembering finding him lying there and rushing back to my room to call 911 and realizing right then that I was too late. It’s very upsetting. I suppose if it’s still going on by Tuesday I will mention it to my therapist.

[Blue_Bird]

Haven't checked in here in awhile. The med changes have completely gotten rid of my paranoia and hallucinations. My mood is better too. I'm having some difficulty sleeping but other than that I think I'm more stable than I have been in a long time

[Unrigged64072835]

Got a letter from an insurance company concerning a policy from my deceased father. Sent the information to my brother, who handled his estate. He went to file the claim--and found the number for the agent was a scam drop line. Needless to say I sent a note to the company's fraud services department. Will see how it goes.

Surprisingly enough I don't even want the money, but my brother is running out of inheritance money and I have none to give him. So if the father monster had stashed a policy somewhere, I would make sure he filed the claim first. So this was more annoying that it was a scam, but at least my brother was cautious enough to check it out.

We don't agree on much, but agreed this was something we didn't need.

[GoldenSnitch]

I haven’t been on in a while. I started a new job and life was crazy. But I’m off work on a leave and have been spending more time on my phone. I’m not doing well and just trying to avoid going IP right now. My two psychiatrists have diagnosed me with different things so I’m a little confused and think maybe I have both.

There was a spring in my step and a song in my heart today! There was beautiful sunshine to knock your eye out. I got outside three times today! I walked my dog with my neighbor. I told her all about my new adventure with piano. It was nice to share it with her. She's a lovely person! I'm getting so excited about piano -- i'm really learning! I'm so pleased because i doubted i could as i bombed at both guitar and recorder.

So maybe my Spring high mood will materialize at last, at last. It's going to be a soggy weekend tho so today might have been a false start. At any rate, i'll take it!

[downandlonely]

@Blue_Bird that is great news!

[Fuzzybear]

that’s great news blue bird

[Daonnachd]

I had an ECT treatment this morning and though I had a good interaction with the nurse, I can't recall it. Afterward I was so out of it when I woke up and got dressed that I forgot to put on my t-shirt under my button front shirt. It wasn't until I got home that I realised it. What's more, my head and body are both quite sore.

[Scooter9]

Just saying Hi!

I'm still feeling low and had a couple of really low days with lots of symptoms but I'm managing somehow.