[Wander]

Good news is I have been stable, Bipolar-wise, for two months now. That is a record for me for over ten years. Usually between severe episodes I still have significant symptoms. Never stable. I have tentative hope that my new meds are the cause of this and I will remain stable for some time.

On the other hand the PTSD is rearing its head. Last night I had a minor argument with my partner and ended up curled on the couch with a blanket over my head, terrified and unable to move. I felt so nauseous I almost threw up. This was after a day of being happy mixed with many moments of horrible memories flooding my mind, staring into space unable to snap out of it, being hyper-vigilant, and crying at the drop of a hat. There were reasons for this escalation in symptoms but I won't go into it. Thankfully I see my T tomorrow and can talk it out and hopefully calm down a bit.

I didn't want to take a shower today even tho i was due for one. I decided to give myself a break but later i rallied and took one. Yay for small victories. I stuck to my diet today also and am happy to be on a diet but my mild depression continues. The Lamictal is still going well, without side-effects. Hugs to all who need them!

[fern46]

Today has been a busy day, but a good day. I am starting to feel a little anxious though. I have a family therapy appointment tomorrow with my kids. We are seeking treatment for the trauma I caused when I suffered a mixed episode with heavy psychosis last November. I have been stable for months and it is always hard to replay the memories of what I did while in that state. I can see clearly how messed up it was and it breaks my heart my kids saw it all. I know we need the help, so I am glad we are going, but I wish there was a magical way to heal without reliving the past. I'm still so ashamed and furious at myself even though it was my first episode and I had no idea what was happening to me. I feel responsible. Hopefully the therapy helps. Wish me luck.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

Good news is I have been stable, Bipolar-wise, for two months now. That is a record for me for over ten years. Usually between severe episodes I still have significant symptoms. Never stable. I have tentative hope that my new meds are the cause of this and I will remain stable for some time.

On the other hand the PTSD is rearing its head. Last night I had a minor argument with my partner and ended up curled on the couch with a blanket over my head, terrified and unable to move. I felt so nauseous I almost threw up. This was after a day of being happy mixed with many moments of horrible memories flooding my mind, staring into space unable to snap out of it, being hyper-vigilant, and crying at the drop of a hat. There were reasons for this escalation in symptoms but I won't go into it. Thankfully I see my T tomorrow and can talk it out and hopefully calm down a bit.

Congrats on the stability. That's really wonderful especially given the ptsd work you are doing. I hope things go well for you today and you and your partner can enjoy the rest of your time at your parent's house.

[Moose72]

In 45 minutes, I am starting the colonoscopy prep drink. It should take 2 hours to finish half. Tomorrow I get up at 7 and start the 2nd half. By 9 I should be done! Then I can still drink white grape juice and water until 11 am. We need to be checking in at the hospital at 2. The procedure should go from 3 to 7ish. Ill be so glad to get this over with. By 9 am I should be happy the drink is done! I CAN DO THIS!!! Two months ago it got cancelled! And in November I took my blood thinner by mistake that morning and it got cancelled! Third time's the charm?

[wildflowerchild25]

Less depressed today but very irritable. Everything is annoying me. But I accomplished a lot today. I bought my son a new summer wardrobe since he outgrew last year’s clothes. I bought all the stuff for his Easter basket. Except Easter grass, I forgot that of course. And an egg dyeing kit. I went back to the grocery store for stuff I forgot and/or couldn’t find yesterday. I went for a half mile walk! I can walk a half mile now without my legs burning. I also exchanged to shoes I bought that were too small for a pair that fits properly. So all in all a productive day. And I am planning to cook dinner so that I can stay under my calories for the day. I lost .2 pounds which is really nothing but at least the scale is moving in the right direction.

Tomorrow RS is taking a vacation day and we are taking my son to an indoor water park. We’ve been there before but RS never has. It should be a fun day. However, I’m not sure how I’m going to stay on diet. The food at the snack bar isn’t too healthy. And I won’t have time to cook dinner either. I’ll ask to get hoagies, the tuna one I get isn’t too calorie full.

[Moose72]

Going great so far. On time in my schexule and it tastes not as bad cold.

Edit: I'm done! Second half tomorrow morni g.

[Innerzone]

I have mental health care again! Yea!
Had an appointment where it was determined that my income was low enough to participate in a county fund system (for those who don't know, I lost my medicaid in November and haven't had anything except prescription refills in the interim).

What a relief! Though I have been doing well with the BP, I'm having issues with other things that would benefit from therapy.

Tonight is a little "last hurrah" party for the internship that I was part of. It'll be nice to see everyone (or, you know, whoever shows up, lol), but it might also be sad. We'll see.

Good luck with the therapy, fern!

[gina_re]

Another 'blah' day. I did make myself job hunt finally, but I didn't get too into it. But I mostly laid on the couch and watched tv all day. At least I cooked something. The easiest thing you can make, spaghetti. I made some effort. I told my sister I would come over tomorrow, so that would mean I will have to do something with my hair and take a shower. Two things I have been avoiding. I think I'm depressed but not a deep depression. I can still do things that I absolutely have to do, but I've lost interest in doing most things amongst other symptoms. Oh well, such is life.

[yellow_fleurs]

Getting excited about my garden plot. Also looking for an apartment, hopefully something a bit bigger than my current one. I think the change will be good for me, I need to get out of this rut.
I am feeling sluggish at work and depressed in general, but not so much that I cannot have good moments. Maybe I should use my light box more, I don't know. I am not sure what treatment overall will help me so I just keep moving and trying to be optimistic, while inwardly being kind of pessimistic. I might go back to my psychiatrist, I am trying to decide. I would like to be more mentally healthy than I am and I do hope it's possible. I want to know what's going on so I can get the right treatment.

It was not a very good day as i had a little wobble in my diet and got a stomach ache. The weather is improving tho. Almost all the snow is gone. Tomorrow is going to be really nice.

[Pookyl]

Feeling well. Such a gorgeous day too. I need to find some hobbies because I’m a little bored.

[Wander]

Officially have PTSD again. It’s getting bad. Saw my T. He really helped me see what is going on. We talked through a lot of things past and present that made the picture clearer. I almost threw up at the end. He said that is the trauma and not to worry about throwing up. It’s no problem to him if I do it in his office . He was comforting me. He then assured me that we would work together to help me recover, and avoid another stressful hospitalisation. I left feeling strengthened but nauseous. This is going to take a while.

I’m still depressed, but I’m fortunate the depression is mild today. I mostly have a disinterest in doing anything besides sleeping.

Also, I had a therapy appt today and *gasp* she was 5 mins early instead of 10 mins late. The session felt almost TOO long for that reason, but we made progress. We went over my treatment plan and discussed my symptoms from the past 6 months. I admitted to having hallucinations this morning and yesterday, but fortunately, they were auditory rather than visual.

I wish the hallucinations would abate at some point, but nothing seems to stop them. I’m not willing to go on a different AP, though, because of side effects. I hate being on an AP as is, but at least I know Rexulti is doing something for my delusional paranoia without making me gain weight etc.. So although I’m a bit upset with the fact I’m still having hallucinations, I’m willing to keep them as long as the delusions are gone (or mostly gone). The delusions are dangerous, while the hallucinations are not. Plus, I don’t think the hallucinations will ever 100% go away anyways. They’re there regardless of me being in an episode or not.

Last night I went to the fourth of six lectures on modern China topics held at the university, in conjunction with our community adult school. It was a real doozy, unlike the others that were quite interesting and scholarly. What set last night's lecture apart from the others was that I concluded that the lecturer, obviously an esteemed professor, was likely in some kind of episode of mental illness. What his mental illness might be, I'm not entirely sure. Could've been hypomania/mania, schizophrenia, or something else. I don't want to describe the topic exactly, but it was not too far off from if a professor spoke for an hour about bubble gum being of great significance in post WWII American history, from the late 1940s to late 1950s. That's an accurate analogy. As referenced in past weeks, my psychiatrist has also been attending these lectures. I'm tempted to bring it up today, when I see him. I'm not sure if he'll want to discuss it much, but I do hope he'll at least say if my conclusion above is unfounded.

I just must study my French today. I'm guilty of extreme procrastination. The reason for it is deeply seated. It is not related to laziness, or even distraction, from other things.

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Last night I went to the fourth of six lectures on modern China topics held at the university, in conjunction with our community school. It was a real doozy, unlike the others that were quite interesting and scholarly. What set last night's lecture apart from the others was that I concluded that the lecturer, obviously an esteemed professor, was likely in some kind of episode of mental illness. What his mental illness might be, I'm not entirely sure. Could've been hypomanic/manic or could have been schizophrenia or something else. I don't want to describe the topic exactly, but it was not too far off from if a professor spoke for an hour about bubble gum being of great significance in post WWII American history (late 1940s to late 1950s). That's an accurate analogy. As referenced in past weeks, my psychiatrist has also been attending these lectures. I'm tempted to bring it up today, when I see him. I'm not sure if he'll want to discuss it much, but I do hope he'll at least say if my conclusion above is unfounded.

I just must study my French today. I'm guilty of extreme procrastination. The reason for it is deeply seated. It is not related to laziness, or even distraction, from other things.

That's interesting. When I worked in a research lab in grad school, we suspected that my research professor had ADHD, especially since she mentioned a couple of times that one of her sons was diagnosed with it. All of her "behaviors" appeared to have aligned with the diagnostic criteria as well. Of course, nobody told her anything because, well, it wasn't our place to talk to her about it.

Anyway, I think having mental illness yourself makes you more attuned to "seeing" mental illness in someone else. I also think having mental illness tends to (but not always) make you more empathetic than the average person. However, what's frustrating from me is wanting to help that person, but knowing (again) it's not my place to talk to them about it unless they approach me and ask for help.

But yeah, hopefully your professor's next lecture won't also be a doozy. Maybe this past lecture will be a one-off.

[Victoria'smom]

I found out last night my husband's T wants to see me :'( . I'm scared to see her. I've started a low dose of my medication again (1/2 my former dose). I had to because I couldn't control my thoughts. Can any T not yours send you to IP? She wants to see me individually and with H regularly. She knows I don't want therapy but also knows I need it. If anything to keep me med compliant. IDK, I feel it's an invasion of privacy for him and what about me? What if I don't like her as my therapist? What if she doesn't like me? What if this is all a set up to evaluate me for IP?

[Daonnachd]

I'm meeting with my T today. I'm not sure how I feel.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I found out last night my husband's T wants to see me :'( . I'm scared to see her. I've started a low dose of my medication again (1/2 my former dose). I had to because I couldn't control my thoughts. Can any T not yours send you to IP? She wants to see me individually and with H regularly. She knows I don't want therapy but also knows I need it. If anything to keep me med compliant. IDK, I feel it's an invasion of privacy for him and what about me? What if I don't like her as my therapist? What if she doesn't like me? What if this is all a set up to evaluate me for IP?

This is a bit paranoid. what makes you think you need to be inpatient?
bizi

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

That's interesting. When I worked in a research lab in grad school, we suspected that my research professor had ADHD, especially since she mentioned a couple of times that one of her sons was diagnosed with it. All of her "behaviors" appeared to have aligned with the diagnostic criteria as well. Of course, nobody told her anything because, well, it wasn't our place to talk to her about it.

Anyway, I think having mental illness yourself makes you more attuned to "seeing" mental illness in someone else. I also think having mental illness tends to (but not always) make you more empathetic than the average person. However, what's frustrating from me is wanting to help that person, but knowing (again) it's not my place to talk to them about it unless they approach me and ask for help.

But yeah, hopefully your professor's next lecture won't also be a doozy. Maybe this past lecture will be a one-off.

Thank, bluebicycle. I do feel similarly. Luckily, though, this professor was a one-time deal. The lecture series has a different professor for each week it's held. I think people would likely complain if every week was like yesterday. Normally I would I have written to the school that offered the lecture series, but there was a representative from the school there listening, as well. If they agreed with me, they would likely not ask him to speak in the future. It's a pity if mental illness did indeed play a part in his odd presentation. During the lecture, he made references to talking to colleagues and them disagreeing or seeming perplexed with his ideas. This could be highly embarrassing for him in the future, but perhaps if he's usually highly respected it can be looked past. The university where he's a visiting scholar has a history of tolerance (to various degrees) when it comes to scholars/scientists with mental illness or extreme eccentricity. That may seem like an odd fact to know, but I do.