[TheSeaCat]

Hi guys; I hope you all are doing well tonight. I had a pretty good day of going to Sunday School and Church. M's parents are so nice as usual and the youth group girls really like having me as I guess third teacher/mentor. I'm glad that I am able to help them.

After church I took my parents out to lunch which was very nice now that dad is finally getting behind me dating M. He hasn't mentioned age difference in a very long time which I am all for.

I am probably in for a pretty rough week; but I am glad to have had such a nice weekend in preparation of the impending rough week.

Hugs to everyone

[beauflow]

I can't do this work, evening if it's just the throttle

Shouldn't say that "can't" word.
I do not have the tools, knowledge or strength to do the transmission. I looked up and researched and did work on the throttle control today, the wrench light is off and the car drove 10 miles, with a resting period.. idk if this fixed it, but it's promising. I'll still be taking it in because I dont trust myself enough these days for jacking up a car to do the breaks.
I'm grateful my brother tried to teach me about cars. .. I'm sorry I didn't retain a lot, but it's always has helped with gauging "may be I can do it"... and Google.

I've been agitated today though, and while I did the car work and everything put back together I kept misplacing my phone and wallet thankfully in "safe " places... but by the third Time I was getting upset with myself..

Went to the store and did simple quick shopping.. I'll finally have milk again.. ha.

Not really ready for work but I'll go, because- I'm still employed.... I've been stressed ... but geez... I just added more I think by trying to speak up... which sucks in it's own way.
I still have to put a line sentence of why I'm seeking treatment again... too many sentences form in my head... but I shouldn't be overthinking this

[Wander]

Yesterday (Sunday) I was exhausted and had a couch TV day. This morning the tiredness lingered but my energy soon returned. Today has been productive. My parents had to drive me to my Rheumatologist appointment as my hip couldn’t handle the 80 minute return drive. This turned out great as I spent quality time with my parents and went out to lunch with them on the coast. Such a beautiful day so I recently went for a swim. My mood is good which I am so thankful for.

Hopefully treatment will sort out my hip this week as I intend to call work, where I haven’t been since July last year due to horror mixed/psychotic episodes, and see if I have a job still, and if so that I can return very soon. I can only manage up to 12 hours but if they can offer me any hours I will be able to survive financially. I’m actually excited. While I’m trying to figure out where I want to head in my life work will be a great start.

Just realised I may have already posted some of this information recently. Sorry, I’ve been so confused lately.

yesterday was a quieter night

it was really nice and apreciated, wasn't able to sleep- but I helped someone out on blah therapy and played an online game of cards (and fully got rid of my head ache, so I don't have any today)

today I went to the shop to buy some energy drink and some sweets and feeling calm so far

just going to finish here and catch up on some tv shows

I recorded the new series of 8 out of 10 cats and I love that show

I haven't slept yet. I will blame caffeine on that one, but really it's probably waking up late and taking a long nap during the day. I emailed my therapist with a pretty loaded question at 1am. I'm kind of scared to hear the response, but I'm prepared for whatever it says (its about my diagnosis). We'll see where that goes. I am still feeling just OK. I guess the Lamictal is doing its job, but I'm not really where I want to be, emotionally. I still am on the lower end of the spectrum .

Today I have no real plan, no vision of the future, and nothing prepared to get me through the day. I'm not sure I'll ever feel competent again to work, to be a decent person... to function alone. I'm really gonna struggle fighting those feelings.

Anyway, that's all -- thanks for reading .

[dsmith]

I'm REALLY getting tired of having Bipolar disorder, for many reasons.

The main one, however, is riding the unpredictable roller coaster: I never know how one day is going to be, and how different it's going to be from the last.

This weekend is a prime example: so many ups and downs.
Last week: overall very productive.
Friday night: 3 mile run, good night out with wife and two of her couple friends
Saturday morning: 3 mile run; felt charged in the morning, but then totally sapped of energy by 11am. I had to make a 3 hr round trip downtown and then back, to pick up a packet for a race on Sunday. EXHAUSTED in the evening, but able to chill out with a movie and pizza with the family.
Sunday morning: GREAT day! Went downtown and participated in a 5-mile race with 20k runners, and performed rather well. Then went out for lunch with some runners from my gym, hung out downtown w/ the wife and kids, and then headed back. Watched Dodgeball, a nice mindless film, last night to veg out.

Monday morning: feel LOUSY...exhausted, irritable, nauseous. You name it, I got it. My 3 kids are home this week from school for spring break. I have to work from home and attend to them. In general I get really stressed out spending time with them. They're always fighting over stupid things (like most kids do), and I am always worried that they're not keeping pace with other kids their age.

However, when I'm trying to work it's IMPOSSIBLE to get any work done. I am a hopeless procrastinator, and like the ability to waste time until I absolutely have to work. When the kids are home, I have to compartmentalize, and shift gears quickly to work so I can attend the latest hourly crisis.

I'm only an hour in, but I've already come to one foregone conclusion: this week is going to suck royally.

There have been three positive developments that I'm TRYING to feel good about:

Alcohol. I stopped drinking on January 23rd - a little over two months ago. For a while it was cold turkey, and then I decided to allow myself 1 drink when I go out for dinner - just for taste. I'm not sure if I myself feel any better, but my wife seems to think I've improved a lot: focus, energy, patience with the kids. Also, I have less trouble getting out of bed before 7am.

If I could go back in time, I would have never picked up a drink. I thought at the time that it was a great "social lubricant" that helped decrease inhibition and transformed me from "wallflower" to "life of the party." I now see that it wasn't worth it at all. In addition to the extreme negative physical impact to my liver and waistline, it severely exacerbated my depression and productivity.

Benadryl. I've always had problems sleeping. Ironically it served me well for most of my career, which was in varying degrees a long manic episode: after working from 8-6 I would pass out at 8pm, wake up at 11pm, work until 3 or 4am, sleep till 7 and then hit the office during the day and grad school at night. This was on nights I didn't have class: on those days I worked straight from 7am (sometimes earlier) until 10pm (sometimes later).

So when I was diagnosed with BP I in fall 2016 we decided that, given the importance of sleep hygiene in mental health, we tackle these issues head on. I was on Lyrica for about a year, and then switched to Banophen / Benadryl in fall 2017.

It helped me get to sleep, but left me "zombified." For a while I couldn't get up until 8, and was unable to function until 11am.

After cutting out alcohol in late January, I tried going without Benadryl. Amazingly, I was able to sleep properly. It's now been 4 days Benadryl free: I am feeling a bit tired, but it's an irritable, anxious fatigue vs. the previous numb, dragging variant. I'm going to stick with it, however. While I do think that medication is an important component of medical health, it should be used with caution. Benadryl is known to cause issues with dementia and memory - I can attest to the latter, as I've had extreme difficulties recalling basic facts.
Benadryl and Other Common Medications are Linked to Dementia in Men and Women | National Center for Health Research
4 Brain-Slowing Medications to Avoid if You're Worried About Memory

I'm no scientist or doctor, but I think the improved ability to sleep without medication is due in large part to the removal of alcohol from my regimen. Here's a helpful related article.
How Alcohol Affects the Quality—And Quantity—Of Sleep - National Sleep Foundation

Exercise. Again, running a 5-miler led to a serious uplift in my self-esteem and sense of engagement and purpose. Keeping pace with marathoners and running through the streets of the downtown area was exhilarating (even if my legs feel like Jello today). I'm hoping that the release of endorphins (aka "runner's high") is something that I crave, and will replace my previous dependence on alcohol.

So I'll try to keep these items on my radar, and hopefully they'll help dampen the counterproductive "axis of evil:" fatigue, anxiety, and lack of self worth.

Everyone, have a great week!

My father's improvement was apparently short-lived. My brother wrote us an email asking my sister and me to visit him more often. I have tried to, but my dad keeps pushing me away saying he's busy. That's a symptom of his issue, I believe. I live almost 40 mins from him and too often get to his house to find him gone or wanting to take a nap or leave, despite setting a time to visit. It's frustrating! Nevertheless, I still see him more than my sister sees him even though she lives within walking distance of him. My brother's email was inspired by my paternal uncle's wife telling him my uncle saw my dad severely drunk the other day. Apparently my uncle didn't want to say anything directly to my dad for fear my dad would get angry and stop talking to him. My dad does have a temper, but he would never stop talking to anyone. That's not his way.

In response to my email reply to my brother's email, my sister wrote the angriest email to us that I have ever seen from her. I haven't responded to it, and probably won't. She's not really angry at us, but frustrated with Dad and the difficulty getting him help.

I just called my dad to tell him my husband and I will be in his area tonight for something. He said he'll be home for us to visit him. I hope he will be. I am not sure what we should say.

[Daonnachd]

I meet with my regular pdoc this morning. It's the monthly second opinion regarding ECT. We'll go over meds and moods. She'll send a letter to the hospital where I get ECT that I'm cognizant of the various risks and capable of making a decision.

@dsmith , thanks for sharing the articles. I have no experience with Benedryl, but definitely have a past history of alcohol abuse. I have memories of passing out, night after night, on the living room sofa after drinking 6 to 10 drinks after work. My husband would usually wake me up at 3 am to go to bed, if I didn't wake up on my own to do so. Another way the alcohol, combined with my bipolar disorder, affected my sleep was that it was rarely restorative, as the article referenced. When I'd have to start getting ready for work in the mornings I'd have tirades. It was the same every work day morning. Screaming throwing tirades.

It took a long time before I finally put drinking alcohol in its proper place. It had to be extreme moderation (like 1/2 drink only and 1 max on some occasions). It took a while before I finally stopped grieving its loss. Like you are noticing, not depending on alcohol only improved my life, and sleep. I still like to sleep in when I can, but pretty much never have morning tirades anymore. The extreme reduction in my drinking makes me more stable, longer, and reduced sedation side effects from my Seroquel XR. Now on even 600 mg Seroquel XR I can wake up feeling better after only seven or eight hours sleep.

I know that for some people alcohol must be eliminated completely.

[bizi]

I have remained alcohol free since march 6th ash wednesday.
My weight then was 190.8 and today I weigh 179.3, so am eating right and not obsessing over carbs or calories and also doing intermittent fasting eating in an 8 hour window is really working well for me. (No breakfast nor snacking after dinner)
My first client canceled they are out of town. Will reschedule when they return.
I have finally caught up for the most part with Dr. orders. (I have over 130 written providers orders so that feels good).

Even so, I am very upset....a nurse practitioner will not give me orders. She refuses even though the patients families want me to continue my services. She can provide foot care for them but doesn't do pedicures.(wash feet etc.) I faxed over a 3 page document from the state board of nurses requiring me to obtain orders from a provider. I will have to call the clients family members to ask their assistance. I have my own liability insurance....maybe the clients family members can call her????
sigh
bizi

[fern46]

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing terrible, but not quite as energetic as yesterday. I woke up several times in the night and feel like maybe a nap will help. I wrote an email to a family member telling them about my episode and new diagnosis. I know they will understand, but it still feels surreal to say I'm bipolar. I know it will sink in with time and I'm just trying to own it in the meantime. I couldn't bring myself to call on the phone and email felt easier, but waiting for a response is painful.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by fern46

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing terrible, but not quite as energetic as yesterday. I woke up several times in the night and feel like maybe a nap will help. I wrote an email to a family member telling them about my episode and new diagnosis. I know they will understand, but it still feels surreal to say I'm bipolar. I know it will sink in with time and I'm just trying to own it in the meantime. I couldn't bring myself to call on the phone and email felt easier, but waiting for a response is painful.

You notified them that is what matters. I hope they will accept you and provide support during this vulnerable time.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

@dsmith , thanks for sharing the articles. I have no experience with Benedryl, but definitely have a past history of alcohol abuse. I have memories of passing out, night after night, on the living room sofa after drinking 6 to 10 drinks after work. My husband would usually wake me up at 3 am to go to bed, if I didn't wake up on my own to do so. Another way the alcohol, combined with my bipolar disorder, affected my sleep was that it was rarely restorative, as the article referenced. When I'd have to start getting ready for work in the mornings I'd have tirades. It was the same every work day morning. Screaming throwing tirades.

It took a long time before I finally put drinking alcohol in its proper place. It had to be extreme moderation (like 1/2 drink only and 1 max on some occasions). It took a while before I finally stopped grieving its loss. Like you are noticing, not depending on alcohol only improved my life, and sleep. I still like to sleep in when I can, but pretty much never have morning tirades anymore. The extreme reduction in my drinking makes me more stable, longer, and reduced sedation side effects from my Seroquel XR. Now on even 600 mg Seroquel XR I can wake up feeling better after only seven or eight hours sleep.

I know that for some people alcohol must be eliminated completely.

Hi @BirdDancer, I'm glad to hear that you got your alcohol consumption under control.

I can't tell if the 1-drink maximum is (a) going to still be too much (i.e., will it interfere w/ the medication and lead to problems with depression and productivity?) or (b) sustainable.

I sometimes marvel at the fact that I balanced 10+ years of heavy drinking / minimal sleep / travel / incredibly stressful jobs / (sort of) raising 3 kids / etc. Alcohol was almost required in consulting, as it was the (very ineffective) way to blow off stress and facilitate "team building." It was a whole lot of peer pressure: after clocking out at 8pm, we would all head to the bar, and if you abstained from shots of whiskey / pints of beer, you were looked at funny. So I went through it grudgingly, even though I knew that it would derail me for days, sometimes weeks.

I am definitely irritable in the morning - not the point of screaming tirades - but my anxiety and sensitivity to noise is super high right after I get out of bed. I'm usually ok while getting through my morning routine, mostly because I'm by myself and can be alone with my thoughts. Once the rest of the family comes rolling down the stairs, that's when things worsen: kids fighting, wife wanting to discuss matters related to the home or office (she's a morning person), etc; all of this sets me off.

I've never been to an AA meeting, nor do I consider myself an alcoholic per se. However, I do believe in the "one day at a time" adage. We have to take comfort in the small victories: getting off alcohol, getting better restorative sleep, and try to move on with our lives.

And this forum is a great way to support one another in this journey!

[dsmith]

Today I have no real plan, no vision of the future, and nothing prepared to get me through the day. I'm not sure I'll ever feel competent again to work, to be a decent person... to function alone. I'm really gonna struggle fighting those feelings.

Very apt summation of how I feel these days. Hang in there - you're not alone.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am recovering from surgery slowly but surely. I don’t need pain medicine anymore. The incision is healing well. Today I took a five minute walk. I have to start slow because my left leg is still very weak from nerve damage. So I’m going to do five minutes for a few days and then increas to six, seven, etc until I’m up to thirty minutes. That five minute walk totally exhausted me so we will have to see how long it takes to get up to thirty. I don’t want to do too much too soon.

Moodwise ive been pretty stable. I’m pretty bored but that’s to be expected, especially because I can’t even drive to go somewhere to entertain myself. My birthday is about ten days away and I am looking forward to going out with RS to the Cheesecake Factory to get some red velvet cheesecake. And I will have my post op apppointment the day after and hopefully be cleared to drive.

No sign of my usual spring hypomania, which while disappointing is good because I won’t crash into my lAte spring pit of despair. So I guess it’s all good.

[Moose72]

Hi, All! Ijust got back from seeing my friend. He's been in the hospital a week. In that week, he found out he has lung cancer. Then, a few days later, they said its stage 4 (worst kind). And now they are sending him to live with his sister as there is nothing else they can do for him. He's on breathing machines 24/7. He hasn't even been in the hospital a week! I'm sad. I go to see him often. I went today and will go tomorrow.

Thursday is my birthday and my friend C.S. is coming to see me. We havent seen each other in a year though we talk on the phones most every day. We are seeing my favorite comedian and going out to dinner. Then the next day I dunno what we are doung but probably going out for breakfast.

I dunno if I posted this or not- been kinda MIA lately- but my eldest just came out a month ago that he/she is trans. Its very hard to deal with. I fear for my child.

In bp news, I saw pdoc a week and a half ago and she said I'm in remission for now and I don't see her for 2 more months. Woot!

I took my dog to the vet today for vaccinations, heartworm test, heartworm / flea / tick prevention meds and an exam. I was pleasantly surprised when i got to the cash and it was only $250! I was expecting $500 to $750. I wonder if they made a mistake?

I feel very unhealthy from eating junk. I'm going to make an effort to eat better. I've been getting lots of stomach aches recently. I really should diet as my belly is all swelled out, but i just can't bring myself to diet while i'm still struggling with mild depression.

I feel unhealthy from oversleeping too and from infrequent showers. IDK, maybe my mild depression will not go away any time soon. WildFlowerChild25 and i are both finding our Spring high mood delayed. But she makes a good point: if it is skipped, so is the pit of despair afterwards. (Glad to hear you're recovery is going well, WFC.)

I've got to try and live a healthier lifestyle! I feel SICK!!!

Edit: i checked my vet bill and they did make a $150 mistake! WOOHOO!

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I am recovering from surgery slowly but surely. I don’t need pain medicine anymore. The incision is healing well. Today I took a five minute walk. I have to start slow because my left leg is still very weak from nerve damage. So I’m going to do five minutes for a few days and then increas to six, seven, etc until I’m up to thirty minutes. That five minute walk totally exhausted me so we will have to see how long it takes to get up to thirty. I don’t want to do too much too soon.


Moodwise ive been pretty stable. I’m pretty bored but that’s to be expected, especially because I can’t even drive to go somewhere to entertain myself. My birthday is about ten days away and I am looking forward to going out with RS to the Cheesecake Factory to get some red velvet cheesecake. And I will have my post op apppointment the day after and hopefully be cleared to drive.


No sign of my usual spring hypomania, which while disappointing is good because I won’t crash into my lAte spring pit of despair. So I guess it’s all good.

I'm glad you're recovering and that you're not on pain meds. Great news that you are able to walk!

I was getting worried when you mentioned a while ago that you were having difficulty with walking.

[Scooter9]

I'm writing another book. This time it's about finding happiness. I'm writing it from my perspective as someone with bipolar and I'm 'coming out' in the book.

I have done a lot of soul searching and think I have a winner of a book here. I'm about 30 pages in.

It covers bipolar and offers 40 tips for finding happiness outside of bipolar treatment so it's good for 'normal' people too.

I won't publish it under my real name because of the bipolar thing. Which is unfortunate but the reality is that I need to be careful with possible employers in the future.

I'll post a thread once I publish it. It'll be weeks still since there's lots left to write. But I have the table of contents done and am working on the tips now. Done 5 of them so far along with intro material.

I'm trying to boost my mood because it's been so low lately. Meds are only going to do so much for me. I'm hoping that writing and helping others will help lift my mood.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I'm writing another book. This time it's about finding happiness. I'm writing it from my perspective as someone with bipolar and I'm 'coming out' in the book.

I have done a lot of soul searching and think I have a winner of a book here. I'm about 30 pages in.

It covers bipolar and offers 40 tips for finding happiness outside of bipolar treatment so it's good for 'normal' people too.

I won't publish it under my real name because of the bipolar thing. Which is unfortunate but the reality is that I need to be careful with possible employers in the future.

I'll post a thread once I publish it. It'll be weeks still since there's lots left to write. But I have the table of contents done and am working on the tips now. Done 5 of them so far along with intro material.

I'm trying to boost my mood because it's been so low lately. Meds are only going to do so much for me. I'm hoping that writing and helping others will help lift my mood.

Good luck with the book. I'll be on the lookout for your updates. I actually began writing what might turn into a book this week myself. It has been fun to get my thoughts out of my head. I've never published anything and don't even know where to start, but I don't want to let that impede what is organically coming together now. I'll figure that part out later of anything comes of my writing. In the meantime I'm enjoying the creativity after months of focusing on my treatment.