Seeing pdoc tomorrow

So my H called the pdoc for me. He said he tried last night but it was too late. He is really worried again. The other day he called me while he was at work at like 10am to check on me. He normally doesnt even have his phone at work and definitely doesnt call or text. Im not doing badly really except for the drinking. Thats definitely out of control.

She got me in tomorrow. Im happy I guess but thats a big trip on short notice and I have to change my schedule. Plus I dont feel ready to talk to her. I thought maybe she would squeeze me in next week not the next day.

Im really stressed out about this appt. I dont know what I will say. I am still upset that she wasnt there for my last one and never even called or anything. I havent been taking my meds half the time and obviously I am not supposed to be drinking especially the amount i am.

So Im upset with her, I havent done what I am supposed to, my mood is overall ok(I dont think I am manic or depressed) and I want her help but I dont think she, or anyone else, can help me. I dont see how this appt could go decently at all but I want it to.

I guess I dont have a real question but I wish someone could tell me how to make this appt go alright. I cant really afford to lose her as my psychiatrist because she is the only one I have trusted even a little. I dont really have any other option and Im afraid if this visit goes poorly I wont trust her at all anymore either. Or she will stop seeing me at all which would be a very horrible outcome. I would honestly rather see my gp but she doesnt have the extensive experience treating bipolar that my pdoc does. Pdoc specialized in mood disorders during residency so she does deserve my trust I think.

Best of luck tomorrow.

Hope tomorrow helps just do yourself a huge favor and tell her what’s honestly going on.

Best of luck with your pdoc appointment. Have you tried AA?

Thanks I will try to be truthful. Hopefully H will come in at the beginning, I kind of forget the truth sometimes. I can tell you my behavior in the last day or two but not really in the last week or two or month.

I havent tried AA. Several people have told me I should, one psych nurse even figured rehab would be a good idea, but I feel like its for people who really cant quit on their own and have major withdrawls and stuff. I quit on my own all the time it just doesnt last. And I have only had physical withdrawls once. I have thought about it though. Just not sure I would fit in there and I dont appreciate religion although I am fine with spirituality so maybe it would be ok.

What about writing down what's going on before the appointment, and also talking to H about it to make some notes about what he has noticed? I often forget half of what I meant to say when I see my pdoc or therapist, and realize I sometimes base my answers on my mood for the day. Not that I am dishonest, I just feel like my life is okay or not okay depending on the day.

I do not think you have to be at the level of going through withdrawals for AA, in fact, I think it is proactive to go earlier. If you are using alcohol in an unhealthy way, which it sounds like you are since people are concerned, then it could be a good idea to get help. I also am not religious, so I do get wondering if that part will click for you.

AA is non-denominational, spiritual but does not advocate any one religion. It's meant to help people stay sober for the rest of their life, not just the acute phase at the beginning.

I will try making some notes. I tried last time and thought icould just use those but I looked at my list and it was empty. I thought i had put something but i guess not.

Maybe i will try AA. Next meeting is friday here. I missed tonights, i wasnt ready. Currently sitting on the steps of the building where they hold it. Its an old historical building in our town and it always makes me feel better sitting here when I am stressed. Maybe thats a sign. Also tonight is the first time i have seen the AA sign on the building. Not sure if they just put it up or i have just never noticed it.

All the best.

How did it go, Tryingtobehappy?

(I agree with the writing down. Maybe even mood charting -- you could customize it to include problematic behaviors, possible triggering events, etc.)

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

It went pretty well thanks.

I was very stressed all day but my boss was ok with me changing shifts, I got my gp appt moved to later tomorrow so I dont have to leave the city quite so early and the pdoc appt went fine after the initial awkwardness wore off. Overall everything went ok. She apologized about the mixup of her vacation and said a few people didnt get rescheduled by her receptionist for some reason. We agreed that I would call the day before from now on to avoid any possibility of that ever happening again.

H came in with me because I was really nervous. He helped explain what had been going on because I didnt end up writing anything down for some stupid reason. I used a mood tracker before and it was helpful having sleep, mood, behavior, activities and thoughts all marked down. I should start using it again.

Pdoc thinks I should try AA for at least 6months to a year and see her weekly for that period as well. That seems like a lot and doing this trip weekly is too much for me right now so I agreed to try 2 weeks at least and see how that goes. They have nice day programs in the city but of course I dont qualify for those because its a different health region.

She said I am still so young and she really believes if I spend this year working on things and investing a fair bit of time that at 30 I can enjoy stability and not need to spend all my time in and out of the hospital and dealing with crises. If I look at how bad the last two years have been, and how much negative time there has been spending a few days a week working on positive things doesnt sound so bad.

I have to start over with the lamictal at 25mg so that sucks. Another couple months before I will be back at 100mg again. And she gave me diazepam to help with withdrawls in case. They only give 5 pills for that but hopefully I wont really need it anyway.

I was kind of thinking I would quit drinking tomorrow originally but that wont happen, if I dont do it today I wont do it tomorrow either. So I havent drank, its 10pm and I have been drinking by 4 most days with the last couple starting in the morning so Im doing well but its hard. I panic once in a while but I have made it through all of that so far. H agreed to not drink if I am not drinking again so that will help. He was quitting with me before but got sick of me drinking again anyway.

I just took my meds so that is day 1 of meds and no alcohol. Thats always the hardest for me at least for meds going back on them the first dose is the hardest to take for sure. Hopefully I will be strong enough to keep going.

Right on! I really appreciate your honesty. You can manage it. Just take it one step at a time.

Sounds like an excellent plan!

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure