Oversharing

These past few years have been rough. Real rough. I feel like every year gets a little worse. I don’t get it—I feel good ( I really do-- this medicine I think is working) but at the same time I just don’t. I’m worried, I’m neglectful of my duties... I don’t know how to explain how I feel. Part of me just wants to be in a mental institution—somewhere I am taken care of and I don’t have to worry for myself. That’s just my selfish way of saying I don’t want to deal with my life’s problems. That’s one of my biggest concerns – I run from my problems and never take time to deal with them. I just keep running and running and running… I ran to the other side of the world once trying to leave my problems behind. I know it never works, they always catch up with you. You have to face it eventually. I just keep saying “maybe tomorrow” or “I still have time.”
My life has a lot of slip ups in the last few years. I don’t know if I can ever actually recover from the damage I’ve done, on a social level. I have a hard time forgiving myself too. I can only say its been exacerbated by my illness(es?) and cause me to really break off from the world. I isolate and stay alone. After an incident a few years ago of being hacked I deleted all social media and decided it wasn’t worth it – so I don’t even have that. I have my four walls and my mind. I guess that’s enough to drive anyone crazy haha.

I’m sharing all this I guess because I just wondered how many others struggle with guilt, isolation, and inability to deal with issues in their life? How has bipolar made it that much worse for you? I really hope to see I’m not alone in all this.

I'm almost completely withdrawn from the world. I just have reached critical mass for shameful memories, times i embarrassed myself and i can't stand to create any more to suffer over. At least now when i think of shameful things i did i can comfort myself by telling myself that, well, i've withdrawn from the world and i won't make those hideous mistakes again.

The last 10 years have been a struggle for me. Ten years ago I became 100%disabled by the military and social security. Then last year they made me totally and permanently disabled. So I was having severe lows with extreme depression and I had 2 manias this year as well. One of them I spent 35,000.00 on scratch offs in a week at a gas station. My wife of 16 years almost left me and we separated for 1 month. But I stopped drinking smoking gambling etc and have been very careful with my health like taking medicine always and using a sleep apnea machine and a light box. Everything is getting so much better now and I just have to focus on my health and I know it will continue. You are not alone , just take one day at a time one task at a time and don’t beat yourself up.

This is work that you are doing.
You are worthy of this effort!
bizi

I have a hard time making " real friends " . They're probably a hand few that Id call close friends but Id say even they don't know the real me. My illness makes me paranoid of people in the real world. Online I can talk to people and even make friends so I prefer interactions that way. Bi polar has made me feel isolated mostly .... and the sad part is I don't mind it anymore.

Since I was diagnosed and went through that horrible psychosis, I have a very small world. I have a hard time trusting ppl. I even feel like I have to censor myself on here bc my psychosis involved a organization that I was abused
In but has a really good reputation.

Before the psychosis I didn't feel so weird. My manias were fun. I hated the deep dark depressions, but they would pass. Now I just truly trust my family and one good friend.

You're not alone.

Being an alcoholic comes with tons of shame. When I think of what I put my family through.....it makes me nauseous sometimes. I am so grateful I got sober and that they still love and support me. I have been sober 6 years but those first months when I stopped drinking feel like yesterday they were so horrible.

congratulations for your sober years! That is fantastic!
bizi

I can relate to pieces of this post. I've done things in my past that haunt me and I keep putting off resolving them like that will somehow help. It actually just makes it worse, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything about it. I've been working through a bipolar workbook and learned that the running away is a symptom that's pretty common. Our brains just don't process emotion the same way as others and we have to work harder to push through the tough stuff. I know that seems unfair, but I'm trying to accept it as my truth and just something I need to overcome.

I said I haven't made any progress, but I actually made a list of the things I don't want to face and then I broke them down into tiny tasks I could do to make progress on each. I haven't completed the tasks, but breaking them down seems to be a decent start. My hope is that I will be brave and make a few steps in the right direction to prove to myself it is worth it.

I'm not on social media either and I've pulled away from a lot of people over the years. Sometimes I think I'd like to widen my circle, and sometimes I think this is just how I'm meant to be. I think being honest with myself about what the isolation does to me is the key. When I isolate because I am running I now know that's part of being bipolar and I need to do something about it. When I isolate because I just want some alone time I know that's just me doing me and not to be worried.

I also relate with the shame part. I was recently diagnosed after a severe manic episode with psychosis. I said and did so many crazy things that it is hard for me to even believe it happened. I think about it every day and try to love myself regardless, but some days it is just hard not to beat myself up. How could I not see this coming? I considered myself an in control and self aware person before all of this and now I feel like I can't trust myself at all. I'm watching and analyzing everything I do because I'm so afraid of the mania coming back. It was not a high. It was the scariest bat shiz nuts thing I've ever experienced and it was traumatizing. I did a hospital stay and then put myself in intensive outpatient therapy and now I see my doc and therapist regularly. I take my meds as prescribed. I'm reading about bipolar and trying to learn all I can. I am staying away from my triggers. I am making healthy lifestyle changes. I'm even considering a support group and I'm here trying to relate to others who go through the same things. I don't know what else I can do, but the shame still sits with me daily. It has been four months, but maybe it just takes time to trust again.

Thanks for being brave and sharing how you feel. It made me feel less alone.

I also censor any information about the workplace i am on disability from, or what I used to do for a living or lots of other things that would give me away or come up on google searches of those organizations potentially.

I have had several horrible psychoses, each one worse than the other ones in terms of the delusions I held.

It's good you have a few people at least you can trust.