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Old 03-17-2019, 05:28 AM #11
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Default Re: Mixed Episode?

I regularly have mixed states that often land me IP but the last one was with psychosis and more severe. It is a traumatising experience. Delusions, hallucinations, racing thoughts, rapid speech, severe depression, sleeplessness and agitation beyond belief. All together it can be both embarrassing and traumatising. I am only one month out of being released from my IP stay and I am a mess. I am still embarrassed and the trauma is getting to me (though I have never had an episode do this to me so badly before).

Basically, it affects us all differently and, as Christina said, we need to be kind and loving towards ourselves. This is an illness, not a lifestyle choice. I hope you find peace and stay stable.
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Old 03-17-2019, 07:20 AM #12
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'Delusions, hallucinations, racing thoughts, rapid speech, severe depression, sleeplessness and agitation beyond belief. '

This is a good description of what I went through. It was so intense and changed almost minute to minute. My mind jumped from scene to scene and I can only describe it as a nightmare I was awake for. The anger and agitation were so strong it seems surreal now. I never once stopped to take a step back and think to myself that I wasn't thinking clearly. I just plowed through as if I knew it was real and true and kept going until I was physically forced to stop. There are pieces of it I felt I had an out of body like experience almost like I was watching myself. There are pieces I cannot remember like a drunken blackout. Some have come back to me over time and some I only know about because my family told me about them.

I'm not too sure how to identify the depression piece though because I've never had any real depression before. My doctor says that's atypical, but it can happen. I didn't feel sad per say, but there was no happiness when the mania kicked in.

I can really relate to the trauma and embarrassment. I remember how I felt 1 month after it happened. I'm better at 4 months, but I still have regular flashbacks that feel incredibly intense. I'm not sure that will ever pass, but I am trying to view them as strong reminders to work hard and do everything I can to stay stable. I let myself re-traumatize a little to remember just how bad it can be and then I lean on my coping skills to pull myself back out again. I can't just forget it and let it lie, so that's the best I can come up with for now.

Thanks for sharing. I am starting to think a mixed episode is exactly what I went through.
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Old 03-17-2019, 09:49 AM #13
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Default Re: Mixed Episode?

My manic episodes are generally fueled by rage but I do experience the rapid speech and hallucinations. And while I generally feel great during those episodes, as in I think Iím the best person on the face of the earth, I also have this dark tenancy to try to ruin my life or even kill myself. I become self destructive beyond a point of return and actually want to push myself into ďaccidentalĒ suicide. Itís a very mixed feeling, wanting to die but also wanting to believe youíre a god, at the same time. Itís and unfortunately Iím not sure how to stop this. But I believe many of us have these mixed emotions when going through an episode. Thatís part of the disorder. Never having just a steady mood.
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Old 03-17-2019, 10:53 AM #14
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I also had the God like feelings. That part of it all feels so ridiculous to me now. I wouldn't say I was overtly suicidal, but I didn't care about the consequences for anything I did and I could have easily ended up dead if my family didn't intervene. Its like something completely snapped. I was just plain insane.
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Old 03-17-2019, 03:36 PM #15
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Default Re: Mixed Episode?

Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
I also had the God like feelings. That part of it all feels so ridiculous to me now. I wouldn't say I was overtly suicidal, but I didn't care about the consequences for anything I did and I could have easily ended up dead if my family didn't intervene. Its like something completely snapped. I was just plain insane.
It depends on who's calling it insane. What you consider insane is what I consider normal. Theres an ability call fight or flight in the majority of people. That feeling which might only occur during extreme stress or risk of death but that's what i experience when I'm very upset and angry.

I enjoy being around others like myself and find it easier to control myself and ill experience this since of what I'd call happiness. The more you learn about yourself the less you feel broken and that you're able to live your life. I've lost friends, girlfriends, and a wife to bipolar depression because they couldn't accept their differences than the majority of society.

I have the ability to learn and adapt. I don't judge people and find myself very accepting towards others regardless of who they are. I can love but it's very limited and usually only other people like myself. My biggest problem about falling in love with other bipolar people isn't them being bipolar around me it's how they feel about themselves. Society has this negitive aspect of people that's different than themselves. And because of that I've struggled to keep the people I love in my life. They want to be like everyone else which is like an apple that wants to be an orange. Failure has such a negative impact that can cause catastrophic consequences. Love yourself and accept who you are is the best advice I can give you.

Keep that God feeling and don't allow doubt to get you down. You're not alone.
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Old 03-17-2019, 03:51 PM #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FriendlyJoe View Post
It depends on who's calling it insane. What you consider insane is what I consider normal. Theres an ability call fight or flight in the majority of people. That feeling which might only occur during extreme stress or risk of death but that's what i experience when I'm very upset and angry.

I enjoy being around others like myself and find it easier to control myself and ill experience this since of what I'd call happiness. The more you learn about yourself the less you feel broken and that you're able to live your life. I've lost friends, girlfriends, and a wife to bipolar depression because they couldn't accept their differences than the majority of society.

I have the ability to learn and adapt. I don't judge people and find myself very accepting towards others regardless of who they are. I can love but it's very limited and usually only other people like myself. My biggest problem about falling in love with other bipolar people isn't them being bipolar around me it's how they feel about themselves. Society has this negitive aspect of people that's different than themselves. And because of that I've struggled to keep the people I love in my life. They want to be like everyone else which is like an apple that wants to be an orange. Failure has such a negative impact that can cause catastrophic consequences. Love yourself and accept who you are is the best advice I can give you.

Keep that God feeling and don't allow doubt to get you down. You're not alone.
Thanks for this. I agree with the essence of what you're saying. I can love myself even with this new part of me. The insane part has to do with the thoughts I had during my episode. I completely disagree with them when I'm balanced and I know they were delusions. I mentioned this before, but it really was like a dream where nothing made sense but you just act it out anyway because things dont need to make sense in a dream. Or maybe like a plot from a fantastical fictional movie thats really out there. Its hard to explain. I don't consider myself insane regularly, but I have no other words for the two days I was manic or mixed.
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Old 03-17-2019, 04:31 PM #17
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Default Re: Mixed Episode?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, fern46 I have never experienced this, so unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice to give to you. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. Take good care fo yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember that it's not your fault that you're feeling like this. Just try to do your best like you're already doing. That's all you can do after all. Take all the time you need to get better. Just take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. No need to hurry. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. I'm glad your family is being supportive and that you're seeing a therapist. Keep reaching out for help! You deserve to get better and to live a good life just like everyone else does. We're all rooting for you. Keep fighting! I believe in you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you, fern46. You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. I hope things will get better soon for you. Keep fighting! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! We all believe in you
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Old 03-17-2019, 05:31 PM #18
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Mickey - thanks so much for your support and all of your kind words. I agree the advice here is quite solid and I'm grateful so many wonderful people offered their opinions. They seem to know more about it than some of the therapists and doctors I've seen which is why I came here. You simply cannot beat first hand experience. Like Friendly Joe said, I'm not alone and several of the posts have put my experience into perspective. It was part of the disorder and I can deal with it better knowing more about what to expect from a mixed state.

Thanks again. You're a kind and genuinely thoughtful person.
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