Planning

So I had a thought to come up today and it's caused me to examine my thoughts in general. Presently, my thoughts are just what they are, thoughts. I've had them with me for so long that I don't know if there is really any harm to them anymore. I realize that the average person does not have suicidal thoughts, but I also know that the people with bipolar disorder can have them from time to time. What intrigues me is that I can be having a perfectly good day, like today, and the thought will roll across my mind. I literally check in with myself on a regular day on a regular basis, to make sure I have a plan in case I need it. Just recently, I was talking to a friend and revealed, without thinking, that some things were in place. I removed those things from my home as a result of the conversation. Since then, it's like my brain could not rest until it found a replacement plan.

Do any of you operate like this - where you feel like you need a plan even if you are not presently planning to act on it? This subject is so taboo that I really don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it - besides, no one else that I know has these thoughts or is willing to talk about it.

I have 3 different “ideas. “ I think of them most days tbh

But.....

if I have a “plan” then I need to put in place all my obstacles, which are kinda long , I have to do xyz.

I think it’s pretty common for Bipolars to think this way.

I'm not sure, but it concerns me that you have SIs even on what seem like good days. I wish you were free from such scary thoughts to more fully enjoy good days.

Maybe having a plan is not a good idea, because having one may possibly make it easier to make it happen? I don't know. I rather wish that you would develop a plan to seek help in cases where SIs are particularly strong. Have you talked to your psychiatrist and/or a therapist about this topic? I think they should know. They need to help you with this.

My heart goes out to you about your nephew. I feel bad for even bringing up the subject. I just wondered if others think the same way.

I have a very close friend that I have talked to in the past, but I don't know that I will share with her anymore. She called my therapist and passed along an email that was only meant for my friend to see. My therapist had a conversation with my doctor about my thoughts and he wanted to give me more drugs to make them stop. I'm not sure what to think. My memory and processing speed are awful these days. More drugs just doesn't seem like the answer.

I want you to stay safe, UpDownMiddleGround. I believe that doing nothing to help isn't the answer. I'm strongly assuming that your friend shared your conversation with your therapist because that was what she thought was best to help you. I think she must really care about you a lot.

I can relate to this. I can have thoughts that are just random and not part of an episode. Doesn't mean I'm going to act on them, they're just thoughts.

Now.... if I start knocking off things on my obstacles/to do list, then that's definitely a VERY bad sign.

I've been for awhile now in a "not an option under current circumstances" mode, and haven't thought much about it. It's different. But I suppose it's also good, lol.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I always think about my options. I feel very anxious if I dont have a way out in place for when Im ready. I also feel very strongly that it will be the way I exit the world. People try to convince me otherwise but I feel like I have just accepted my fate. I feel almost obsessed with thinking about past and future attempts even when I am doing relatively well.

This is obviously very bad though because my compulsion hits fast and last time was extremely close because I had everything ready. It didnt work luckily but did end in lifeflight and a month IP with a week on a constant cardiac monitor. This is a very dangerous way to live.

I completely agree with BirdDancer though and I am at least going to write this on my list for my next pdoc appt. I guess it just feels so normal now that I dont think of it as a problem and it will be hard trying to change something like this. I hope you will also consider trying to work on the thoughts whether or not that includes more meds.

I too, deal with these thoughts on a daily bases

as for plans in place, not so much

I mean..


when I get the thoughts at random points throughout the day, I don't necessarily have a plan on how I'm going to act on them

most of my planning in that department is based on what happens to my stuff when I'm gone, how do I want my funeral, what do I want done with my body etc etc

“I always think about my options. I feel very anxious if I dont have a way out in place for when Im ready. I also feel very strongly that it will be the way I exit the world. People try to convince me otherwise but I feel like I have just accepted my fate. I feel almost obsessed with thinking about past and future attempts even when I am doing relatively well. “

Im in this same boat