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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 10:29 AM
  #1
I have a friend who has bipolar 1. Most of the time they are lovely. Other times they tear me down with words. What am I doing wrong?
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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 10:38 AM
  #2
Paying attention.
Enjoy "most of the times" and ignore the rest.

Cheers.

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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 11:13 AM
  #3
I think that is impossible to answer.

You may well not be doing anything wrong. It might just be who they are. It might also have nothing to do with their bipolar. If you suspect it is grandiosity, I don't know. Whenever I get it, it's all about ME ME ME!! Lol. I'M awesomeness incarnate, it has nothing to do with other people (like I don't get why someone would bother tearing someone else down when they already "know" how awesome they are). People might get on my nerves for being too slow (witted or moving, either one), but it's more an impatience thing. Is that the kind of thing you're talking about? Or am I way off?

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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 11:19 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountainstream View Post
I have a friend who has bipolar 1. Most of the time they are lovely. Other times they tear me down with words. What am I doing wrong?
Hi mountainstream,

I'm assuming you do nothing to deserve being "torn down with words". I hope it isn't on the verge or even fully verbally abusive. That's not right and she must be told about that. That's not to say we don't do things that anger, frustrate, or hurt people sometimes. In those cases, feedback should be welcome, but presented in a measured appropriate way. However, if you truly can't see any possible justifiable or significant wrong, then it's highly likely that your friend may have some bipolar irritability involved, may have some anger management issues, or is stressed out about other things and perhaps directing the stress to others inappropriately and unhealthily.

I have bipolar type 1, and grandiosity and irritability were absolutely major symptoms at times for me. These symptoms can also be experienced by people with bipolar type 2 and Cyclothymia. And yet, not all people with bipolar disorder experience all of the same symptoms. Perhaps some are never really grandiose or some have hyperspending (as examples), while others do during episodes.

You should not accept any level of verbal abuse. Your friend needs to know that her words have hurt you and/or were unjustified. If you can, please let her know this firmly, but also calmly with concern. She should be providing any feedback to you in a similar way.

The day before my first hospitalization, I was almost fired from my career job. My behavior had been outrageous. I had actually had an official bipolar diagnosis the year before, but rejected it and treatment. It was only on that day that I used "I have manic depression (aka bipolar disorder)" as an excuse, out of nowhere. I remember the Director of Human Resources saying "That doesn't matter!" His statement pissed me off for a long time, but eventually I realized he was right. I wasn't accepting treatment, so it was my fault that my behavior was so out of hand. It was my responsibility to try to have that behavior calmed/managed.

Your friend may actually be receiving treatment for bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, even despite bipolar treatment, bipolar episodes can still happen. Often there is a lack of insight into those times. In these cases, we need help gaining insight. I know sometimes I have to be told my behavior is inappropriate, and to get help. Those that care about me have been very tolerant at times, but it is understandable in some cases, when they need to distance themselves from me until I'm better. Even if anger management was my only issue (and not a diagnosable disorder), the same thing should apply.

Please be understandable with your friend, but don't accept any verbal abuse. Doing so can sometimes be an enabling behavior, which in the end hurts all involved.
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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 05:08 PM
  #5
What do you say to your friend when they tear you down? Does he or she know it hurts you?

I'm newly diagnosed and I definitely said hurtful things during my episode a few months back. I don't believe the things I said and I wish I could take it all back. I'm sorry and embarassed for what I did, but I was clearly impaired. I don't tear people down regularly and my disorder was involved. The people I hurt know I was in a bad place and mentally ill and they have forgiven me, but I know it still hurts. I can't change it, but I can work hard to stay healthy and show them how I feel about them while I'm well.

You probably aren't doing anything wrong and you don't have to take verbal abuse. Try not to let it escalate and walk away if you can. Your friend may not realize how you feel, so maybe trying talking to him or her about it at a time when things are balanced. Its hard to receive feedback when you're manic or depressed. You shouldn't have to tiptoe, but approaching your friend during a well time improves the chance you will be heard. I hope it gets better for you both.
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Default Mar 20, 2019 at 07:45 PM
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Default Mar 21, 2019 at 01:30 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
Hi mountainstream,

I'm assuming you do nothing to deserve being "torn down with words". I hope it isn't on the verge or even fully verbally abusive. That's not right and she must be told about that. That's not to say we don't do things that anger, frustrate, or hurt people sometimes. In those cases, feedback should be welcome, but presented in a measured appropriate way. However, if you truly can't see any possible justifiable or significant wrong, then it's highly likely that your friend may have some bipolar irritability involved, may have some anger management issues, or is stressed out about other things and perhaps directing the stress to others inappropriately and unhealthily.

I have bipolar type 1, and grandiosity and irritability were absolutely major symptoms at times for me. These symptoms can also be experienced by people with bipolar type 2 and Cyclothymia. And yet, not all people with bipolar disorder experience all of the same symptoms. Perhaps some are never really grandiose or some have hyperspending (as examples), while others do during episodes.

You should not accept any level of verbal abuse. Your friend needs to know that her words have hurt you and/or were unjustified. If you can, please let her know this firmly, but also calmly with concern. She should be providing any feedback to you in a similar way.

The day before my first hospitalization, I was almost fired from my career job. My behavior had been outrageous. I had actually had an official bipolar diagnosis the year before, but rejected it and treatment. It was only on that day that I used "I have manic depression (aka bipolar disorder)" as an excuse, out of nowhere. I remember the Director of Human Resources saying "That doesn't matter!" His statement pissed me off for a long time, but eventually I realized he was right. I wasn't accepting treatment, so it was my fault that my behavior was so out of hand. It was my responsibility to try to have that behavior calmed/managed.

Your friend may actually be receiving treatment for bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, even despite bipolar treatment, bipolar episodes can still happen. Often there is a lack of insight into those times. In these cases, we need help gaining insight. I know sometimes I have to be told my behavior is inappropriate, and to get help. Those that care about me have been very tolerant at times, but it is understandable in some cases, when they need to distance themselves from me until I'm better. Even if anger management was my only issue (and not a diagnosable disorder), the same thing should apply.

Please be understandable with your friend, but don't accept any verbal abuse. Doing so can sometimes be an enabling behavior, which in the end hurts all involved.
I totally agree, and after reading your reply it made me think of you BirdDancer dropping the Mic.
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