[Wander]

My T agrees that for at least the last two years I have been hit with at least 7 severe mixed, sometimes psychotic, episodes. They have been worsening over that time to the point that after my last episode that ended around mid February I realised just how close I have been to death, especially in the most recent episode.

Since then I have been seriously traumatised so my T and I have decided to go into the trauma in therapy. This will begin Wednesday. I really feel I need it as I have suffered severe PTSD in the past and the symptoms seem similar. I just want to move on but cannot knowing I will most likely have more episodes in the future and right now I feel I cannot handle them at all. In fact I am terrified I will die, and I am not being melodramatic.

Has anyone else had an experience like this? I am literally terrified I will lose my life this year. I have a strong will to survive but know that I lose my mind when very unwell.

Hi Wander. I'm sorry you've been going through such a traumatic time in recent years. I, too, felt traumatized from the period of my worst episodes. That period lasted over four years for me. I had a lot to work through, but I improved and now feel I've put most of that trauma at rest. If of interest, I wrote about this in a relatively short blog post at Surviving and Healing from Bipolar Episodes – Bird Flight

[fern46]

Hi Wander. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently. My heart goes out to you. I simply cannot imagine 7 mixed episodes in such a short amount of time. You are a true survivor.

I can relate to your feelings and fears. I suffered a severe mixed episode with heavy psychosis last November. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. I was completely out of control and cannot even remember some of the things I said and did. I could have easily lost my life or hurt someone badly and I'm grateful every day it did not come to that. Like you I am terrified of another episode. I don't know how it would go and I don't want my family to suffer again like they did before. It is simply unimaginable. However, I think about it every day. Some days more than others. I decided that I can either drown in the fear and possibly trigger another episode or I can use my fear as motivation to take action. So far I have chosen the latter.

Since my episode I put myself in IOP for six weeks. After that I began seeing my T regularly. I'm taking my meds and work with my pdoc regularly. I cut out all of the stressors I have and I quit my job. I stay away from everything that was a trigger for me. I learned coping skills and I use them daily. I eat healthy. I cut out all alcohol and stay away from substances. I limit caffeine. I read books to educate myself on all of the symptoms of bipolar and how to manage them. I come here for information and support.

I also keep a journal every day tracking my activities, moods, energy level, diet, the weather, exercise, signs of depression, signs of anxiety, racing thoughts, hallucinations, etc. I'm looking for the tiniest signal that my mood might be shifting and writing it down. Finally, I've reached out to all of my close family and friends and I've been brutally honest about what I went through and what I am thinking at the moment. I lean on them for support, but I am also asking them to be my mirror. If they see anything strange I want to know. I trust myself more and more each day, but they are really a better judge at the moment. I am educating them on everything that I learned and I'm creating my own personal bipolar army to help me in this battle.

My plan is to commit myself at the fist hint of a relapse. I want to catch it early if it ever happens again. I'm doing all I possibly can to avoid it, but if it does happen I want to be in the care of professionals. I pray I will be sane enough to listen if my family ever has to tell me it is happening again. I don't want to wait or hope it will get better. I want to tackle it as soon as possible to hopefully avoid it spiraling out of control again. I've fought most challenges alone my whole life. I am good at controlling things, but I have to admit to myself this is simply beyond my control. When I am in a mixed state like that it is as if someone else takes over and the real me is gone. Getting help for my psychotic self the second it appears is the only way I can come up with to keep the real me in charge.

Thank you for sharing how you feel. You are not alone. You are so very brave. I'm inspired and grateful to have met you here. Blessings for peace of mind in the future. I hope the therapy will lighten your heavy load a bit.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Wander You're truly a warrior! Please be proud of yourself for getting through all of this! It's certainly not easy, but you CAN do it! You've proved it already and you're still proving every day! I completely understand your fear. It's perfectly normal that you'd feel valid after getting through all of this! All the wonderful people here on PC, like BirdDancer and fern46, have already gave you some great, wonderful advicce, so I'll try not to repeat it too much! Even though you don't know what may happen for sure, you can do everything that it's in your power to prevent all of this from happening again! I believe that's your best bet! Just try to listen to your Pdoc and your therapist! Try to reach out to a professional if things get worse if you can! Do you have any friends or family member that you can reach out to? Perhaps they may be able to help you! If you feel like you're having even the slightest hint of another episode, go to the hospital as soon as you can before it gets out of your control! It's not easy if you're not feeling well, so I'd suggest to make a plan if you can and ask for help to anyone you can, like your Pdoc, your therapist, your friends or your family members! Anyone that may be able to help you get through all of this! I'm glad that you're working with your therapist to get through all of the traumas you've had! Keep working with him/her! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! Remember that you're a strong, wonderful person! I'm sure that you'll be able to get through all of this! Just try to do your best! That's all you can do after all and it's more than enough! Please remember to be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself! That's the most important thing that you can do in my opinion! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a strong, wonderful person! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Sending many hugs to you, Wander! I'm sos orry you have to deal with all of this, Wander! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Please feel free to vent and write here as much as you need and want! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Keep fighting! You can do this! You've got this! You're a warrior! Please remember that! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Wander! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you! Keep fighting! Remember that you're awesome and strong! Remember that you're a warrior!

[Wander]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hi Wander. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently. My heart goes out to you. I simply cannot imagine 7 mixed episodes in such a short amount of time. You are a true survivor.

I can relate to your feelings and fears. I suffered a severe mixed episode with heavy psychosis last November. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. I was completely out of control and cannot even remember some of the things I said and did. I could have easily lost my life or hurt someone badly and I'm grateful every day it did not come to that. Like you I am terrified of another episode. I don't know how it would go and I don't want my family to suffer again like they did before. It is simply unimaginable. However, I think about it every day. Some days more than others. I decided that I can either drown in the fear and possibly trigger another episode or I can use my fear as motivation to take action. So far I have chosen the latter.

Since my episode I put myself in IOP for six weeks. After that I began seeing my T regularly. I'm taking my meds and work with my pdoc regularly. I cut out all of the stressors I have and I quit my job. I stay away from everything that was a trigger for me. I learned coping skills and I use them daily. I eat healthy. I cut out all alcohol and stay away from substances. I limit caffeine. I read books to educate myself on all of the symptoms of bipolar and how to manage them. I come here for information and support.

I also keep a journal every day tracking my activities, moods, energy level, diet, the weather, exercise, signs of depression, signs of anxiety, racing thoughts, hallucinations, etc. I'm looking for the tiniest signal that my mood might be shifting and writing it down. Finally, I've reached out to all of my close family and friends and I've been brutally honest about what I went through and what I am thinking at the moment. I lean on them for support, but I am also asking them to be my mirror. If they see anything strange I want to know. I trust myself more and more each day, but they are really a better judge at the moment. I am educating them on everything that I learned and I'm creating my own personal bipolar army to help me in this battle.

My plan is to commit myself at the fist hint of a relapse. I want to catch it early if it ever happens again. I'm doing all I possibly can to avoid it, but if it does happen I want to be in the care of professionals. I pray I will be sane enough to listen if my family ever has to tell me it is happening again. I don't want to wait or hope it will get better. I want to tackle it as soon as possible to hopefully avoid it spiraling out of control again. I've fought most challenges alone my whole life. I am good at controlling things, but I have to admit to myself this is simply beyond my control. When I am in a mixed state like that it is as if someone else takes over and the real me is gone. Getting help for my psychotic self the second it appears is the only way I can come up with to keep the real me in charge.

Thank you for sharing how you feel. You are not alone. You are so very brave. I'm inspired and grateful to have met you here. Blessings for peace of mind in the future. I hope the therapy will lighten your heavy load a bit.

Thanks Fern for your detailed account of what helps you deal with this kind of trauma. I too put in place many of these skills. And they help. Thank you for your encouragement too. It means a lot to me. In the past I have had years of horrific trauma and through great treatment and hard work have overcome it. It is the first time I’ve been faced with a trauma like this. The terror is extreme. I have confidence in my T because he was the one who helped me recover from the first bout of PTSD. That had Ben going on for decades and I was trauma free for about four years now. Still nothing stops this terror at the moment. Your story gives me hope.

[Wander]

Thanks for your encouragement Mickey. It comforts me. I have great support from my T and pdoc (who happens to specialise in trauma), and my family are supportive although they don’t understand what I’m going through and why I can’t simply move on. I have one friend who is supportive and I’m thankful for that.

Last night was awful. I barely coped but with the help of meds I stayed safe. Now I’m hungover as I don’t usually take this amount of anti anxiety meds. I’m hoping today will be different. This will be a long journey. My goal is to survive and thrive. I have a strong will toblive and no reasons to die. It’s just the mixed states I fear while I’m weak.

[fern46]

PTSD was involved in my case too. I had been having flashbacks of what I think were repressed memories and it triggered me heavily right before I lost control. It is great you are seeing someone who can assist with that specifically. My T suggested I could try regression to get the memories back, but I don't want to trigger myself again. It happened when I was a child and there's nothing I can do about it other than accept it and move on. Stepping through the details doesn't appeal to me really.

The terror from trauma can be so strong that it feels like it will stop at nothing until it swallows us whole, but then we get through it somehow. You mentioned you have hope. I'm so happy to hear that. I'm hopeful too and sometimes it is all we have. Maybe its all we really need to keep going.

I woke up today with a strong feeling that I can battle my way out of this nightmare and that things will be good again somehow. They are good now, but I felt safe with myself and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I'm hopeful it lasts. I also hope today is a good one for you too. You deserve it! Blessings.

[bizi]

I am glad that you have a great mental health team to help you. keep us posted how it goes.
I hope you can get to beach as often as possible as I know this is a happy place for you.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi