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Old 03-28-2019, 02:59 PM #21
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

Thanks @Fuzzybear for your hugs. I have a few acutely painful memories from my childhood but already before the memories I have of abuse I have memories of being all alone to play by myself. I was 3 or 4 and playing with a plastic golf club and ball by myself in Scotland before we moved to the States.

@fern46 Yes grooming is a scary term. I think this is how I was raised too. I was groomed to be abused. I grew up and entered into abusive relationships with men. Not all were abusive though.

I think you are write that he may very well be projecting. He was talking about how we were both professionals (I'm on disability now) with psychosis. He was telling me how he would be in the depths of depression sometimes and want to tell his patients who were also depressed that they had no idea how bad it could be. He was basically saying that he suffered much more so than many of his patients. It was all about his suffering, his isolation and how he also grew up in an emotionally deprived environment.

For many years as a child I thought I was adopted because my sister was treated so much better than I and the three of them seemed to form a group that I was left out of.

I just feel the need to get this out of my system. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-28-2019, 03:37 PM #22
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

You're welcome. I'm grateful we have this safe space to share. Getting it out can make all the difference. It is so hard to feel left out of a group and it is really painful when it is your own family you feel alienated from. I spent time as a child feeling like an outsider and it is tough. My family wasn't abusive, but I always felt different.

It is sad to me that he would discount the pain his patients are going through because he has the same disorder. I am sure he has suffered, but he should realize that sharing that with you may make you want to keep your feelings to yourself next time. Who knows what he says about you to his other patients. He is there to listen to you, not dump all of his inner thoughts on you and take advantage because you are a kind person willing to listen.

Huge hugs to you. I hope you can find someone new to see soon who can give you the focus and attention you deserve. Also, it would be nice for you to see someone up to date on all meds so they can suggest what might work based on expertise. It seems like you've been doing that part of your doc's job for a while now.
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Old 03-28-2019, 04:34 PM #23
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

Thanks for your messages @fern46. I'm not at the moment looking for a new pdoc. Last time I tried to get another one the referral from my gp (which is what you need in Canada to see a specialist) was declined by the new pdoc because I already have a pdoc.

So I would have to give up my pdoc in order to attempt to get a new one and really there is no reason to believe the new one would be any better than the one i currently have.

If I feel i really must drop him then I would probably go to my gp and tell her I need a new psychiatrist and will no longer see my current one. She will likely ask me why and I guess i will just state the truth more or less like what i have written here. But i am not ready to cross that bridge yet.

Yes it is true I have taken on the role of researching my own medicines and am not getting expert advise on what maybe the best regimen would be.

It just isn't so easy to get a new pdoc when you cannot self refer. In Canada if you want to see a specialist all referrals go through your gp and the specialist can just say no.

Thank you for sharing you were also an outsider as a child. I think this experience has unduly coloured my entire life with a sense of alienation and helplessness to do anything about that feeling.
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Old 03-28-2019, 05:16 PM #24
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

It is unfortunate the process to see a specialist is so complicated in Canada. I wish that wasn't a factor you had to consider.

Happy to share. Looking back on it, my actions were mostly to blame for me being an outsider. I think you just got a raw deal. It still hurts either way. Hopefully you've found your way into groups that accept you fully over the years. It is hard to go it alone all the time.
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:13 PM #25
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

It is also a slow process. It was months before I was able to find out I had been declined the last time I tried to get a new pdoc. Basically the system operates on the principal of exhaustion to make people go away. I once asked for a specific ENT specialist and after more than a year was sent to see another one who took a ct scan of my nose and left me to my own devices.

I'm pretty much on my own. I have two friends and my son plus I go to an Emotions Anonymous meeting every week. I isolate a lot and have been alienated many people during my psychotic manias. But I was already quite alone in the world before my first breakdown in my mid 40s. I am grateful for my friends and my son for sticking with me. I text with my sister almost everyday but we are not close in many ways. She is always right.

One of the rare constants in my life has been my pdoc. Even though he is not great he has been a steady force until recently.
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:19 PM #26
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

Well it has been three weeks so it is time for me to go see my pdoc. I am kind of leery about it and have been thinking about cancelling, which I have only done once in the decade I have been seeing him and he has never cancelled on me without rearranging another appointment at the same time.

I am not sure what I will do if I think he is still manic, like he said he was last time, and if we spend the session talking about his feelings.

If he indicates he thinks he is still manic I might ask him about the ethics of seeing patients when is mood is so abnormal.
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:59 PM #27
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

Quote:
Originally Posted by tecomsin View Post
I am not sure what I will do if I think he is still manic, like he said he was last time, and if we spend the session talking about his feelings.

If he indicates he thinks he is still manic I might ask him about the ethics of seeing patients when is mood is so abnormal.
I think you've found the right answer in your final paragraph. Also, you might tell him you were considering cancelling because of it, assuming you go. I would see that as doing him a favor. If he is still manic and he doesn't appreciate such feedback, I'd look elsewhere and report him. It is sad, but his profession really requires he be stable (or mostly) when seeing patients.
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:53 PM #28
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

I'm so curious to know if he will remember what he said to you last time. Definitely keep us posted
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Old 04-16-2019, 05:36 PM #29
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

He acted more like his usual self and I didn't get the impression he remembered much of what he said last time so we both acted like it never happened. I didn't have the energy to bring it up and didn't see what good it would do.
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:23 PM #30
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Default Re: My pdoc seems to be having a manic episode

Well my pdoc was back to his usual, weird self. By weird, I mean how many psychiatrists never ask their patients any questions? In all the years I've seen him I can count in the single digits the number of questions he has ever asked me. I mean it is abnormal even for a normal human relationship, never mind a psychiatrist who is supposed to be looking after the welfare of his patients.

He had some physical agitation and that makes me think he is still having symptoms but covering it up better than last time.

We talked about Notre Dame and I asked him questions about his son who works in Silicon Valley and told him about my son's new position. It was really work to figure out how to pass the 45 minutes of talking. I felt like it was a huge effort but i still see him every three weeks. I am sleeping well and not having symptoms so that is good but right now I am finding him kind of useless. He also didn't say anything about his behavior last time and I didn't have the energy to bring it up and then deal with the fallout.
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