TW: hate suicidal thoughts

I had to call my T tonight because I was thinking of taking all my pills. She made me give them to my spouse who always rolls her eyes and huffs about it. I am all alone in this. I have the work troubles and I can’t find another job. I really just want to take the pills. Sometimes I just want to take enough to feel better. Other times I want to take them all and end it. I need more support at home but all I get is judgment.

Have you considered SSDI? It seems like work is really hard for you. It's hard to make that decision, believe me it was horrible for me but it saved my life (really). I loved working but it was slowly killing me because it simply was too hard.

They have talked about it before.

What do they say?

we are all here to support you! please stay in touch. we all know how it feels to struggle and so many do not have a support system, unfortunately. I hope you find it here, judgement free. working while struggling was very hard for me. I had to stop and focus on my mental health. it wasn't easy but I had to do it. I went many years un-diagnosed and had to work to support my family. it was very hard. in the end, though, it was the best decision for me. hope you find the support you need!

I'm sure your wife means no harm, but she clearly has no clue how much suicidal threats/warning signs should be taken seriously. I am glad you called your tdoc and gave your wife the pills. I'm imagining your wife feels at a loss for how to really help. Sometimes that makes people respond in inappropriate ways. I really am quite sure she doesn't mean any harm. I do know that without you she would surely be devastated.

It sounds like you have a good deal of desperation mixed into your situation feeling trapped. You aren't completely trapped. Please talk to your tdoc about safe solutions to find a better situation. You will find a way to relief. Possibly hurting yourself, or worse, is not the way. Believe me! Take care.

When I am really bad my pdoc and T want me to go on short term disability. Then consider SSDI if things don’t improve.

that sounds like a good way to go. do you agree with them?

I have been out 6 times in the last three years. The hospital can’t do anything to help me. My T almost sent me there tonight.

Years ago my pdoc asked my then husband to look after my pills. He did but was not happy about it. What made it worse after was that I skipped pills and hoarded them then overdosed. My husband was over it and refused to look after my pills. It was a cause of great strain between us at a very stressful time. I know you are not hoarding pills, but I mention it to demonstrate the pressure it places on the other person. Still, you need to do and have all done to save your life. If this situation gets worse I would suggest IP as your meds may not be working correctly right now and may be able to be sorted out to bring you some peace.

Can you take some time off work?

I just took a week off for my kids spring break.

What is worse for me is last year my work changed to mail order meds so I have to get 3 months at a time. So that leaves me with triple the meds in the house.

Hoping my wife only has to hold them for a couple of weeks until things get straightened out at work.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Crook32 I understand what you mean. It must be a very difficult situation both for you and your wife. I'm so sorry she isn't being supportive of you! Like BirdDancer has already wisely said, I'm sure that she means no harm and that it loves your very much, but all of thist must be very stressful for her. Of course it's NOT your fault all of this is happening, so please don't feel guilty about it! Please do consider disability if you can and want! It may save your life! I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given some great advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it if you can and want! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Try to take your meds regularly! If things get bet, go to the nearest hospital and ask for help! I know it's not an easy decision to make, but your safety must be the priority! I hope things will get better soon for you! Please take good care of yourself! Remember to be kind to yourself! I hope things will get better soon for your work situation! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Crook32! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this! You don't deserve to go through all of this at all! You don't deserve to suffer at all! Nobody deserves to suffer at all, certainly not you!