Mixed episode

Im sorry i just needed to rant for a little bit about waht im going through, I recently started talking to a girl that I have liked for a long time, and this has me very happy, but I’ve been in a very long depressive episode and i just feel “weird”. Im stressed about school, money, being away from home (university student), its very confusing to have these depression symptoms while feeling happy at the same time. I have really been attacking and trying to break out of this depression, but i can start to feel mania creeping up on me and thats even more scary. Any tips or advice you guys have?

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Its been a long time since I experienced mixed episodes, I tend to be one or the other. I used to rapid cycle before the med combo I am on now.

The only real advice that comes to mind is to keep an eye on movement towards mania so you can nip it in the bud. And check in with your Pdoc? Maybe they have some ideas for a PRN that can damp it down should it start going sideways.

How are you doing today, BoomerMudcat?

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Depression and mania is who I am which isn't something a pill or therapy will ever fix. I see my pDoc to help me with my anxiety and depression but it's just a tool to help and requires work on your part. I've seen the massive list of medications people have posted and my conclusion has to be their looking for the pill or combo to stop feeling like how we feel everyday. You're never going to find that but only find yourself going deeping into a state of self loathing and hatred towards yourself. The more you accept it the better off you'll be. I've learned to accept myself for who I am over the years. You can't change who you really are inside but you can live a good life in our way. It's difficult yes, but with practice you can deal with it and live life in our own way.

For years I tired to be someone else and ignore who I am. That resulted in going into a great depressive state, hindering me quite useless.

I make budgets by drafting an actual written plan and make weekly reports to see my spending. I also set goals for myself from short term one to long term ones like vacations. I only live on 70% of my income even though I want to spend and spend. I just bought my 4th BMW last month and I feel whatever about it and no It wasn't an impulse buy but one I planned for the last 2 months. Each car I have has it's own purpose of how I use them.

I'm a what the medical profession calls bipolar 1. I've become an executive officer at work and my goal is to be the next CEO. The medical world says we take on so much that we can't accomplish them. This is true when you don't have people to assign all these tasks that I take on. I've increased sales by 30% and our employment size has grown by 13% in 2018. They gave me 2 more administrative assistants last month to help me with all my tasks so I can be myself and not worry about overwhelming myself. I'm always manic though and to me it's not a bad thing. I was told by an old friend your manic and your going to crash. It's been 2 years I've been manic 24/7 and I havent crashed and burned or will I ever. When you're in control you can be yourself by limiting yourself to what you know you handle.

What I wanted to say but felt I should give some examples from my own life is, love and be yourself but in a positive and productive way.

Relationships outside of work. Being in management I don't have to worry about interacting with others below me because of conflict of interest. But in reality its because I dont want to interact with employees at the personal level. Also I enjoy being by myself and for years I've tried and tried because that's what we are told that's what we need. Honestly I'm happy doing things alone and when I'm out I'll break into conversations with others that's around me. Parks, coffee shops, shopping, etc I enjoy doing it alone. When I'm with others then it's just work. Friends are work, family is work, basically people are work.

Have a great weekend

Easy now. It is an unfair, inaccurate and overly generalized conclusion that people are only looking to essentially erase/stop feeling who they are through meds. Neither is it a sure path to self-loathing.

Trying to be someone else will render most people useless. That's not about meds. It's about being inauthentic. Doesn't tend to work very well.

I'm glad you enjoy as much success as you do. Truly. It's just not necessary to lay non-med out as the path simply because that's what works for you. It's not the magic solution any more than there exists a magic pill.

Different strokes for different folks. No need to put down other people or other ways in order to tell your story, that's all I'm saying. We're all in this together. Thanks for hearing me out.

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, BoomerMudcat! I completely understand what you mean! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! i understand it must be VERY difficult for you to go through all of this especially when you're alone or when you're feeling lonely! I completely agree with what all the wonderful people on this thread have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! I feel like that may really help you! I'd suggest to talk to a Pdoc about this and see how it goes from there as well! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you! He/she's there to help you after all! Hopefully he/she will be able to help you and you'll both be able to find the right meds combination for yourself! Just try to check on yourself and to stay safe as much as you can! If you feel you're having an episode, definitely contact Pdoc, your therapist or any other doctor as soon as you can! Anyone or anything that may help you feel a little bit better! Do you have a support system IRL? Any friends or family member that you may reach out to? I hope they will be able to help you as well! Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Just try to find as many distractions and hobbies as you can if you haven't already! I feel like that's VERY important as well and that it may REALLY help you A LOT to get through all of this! Please stat safe and take GREAT care of yourself becaure YOU'RE WORTH IT! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We all know it's true! I'm sure you know it as well even if it's deep down! Keep fightin as much as you can and keep trying your best to survive as much as you can! Our best is all we can do after all and it's more than enough! Please be kind to yourself! Please don't be too hard on yourself! You're a strong, wonderful person, You're an AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! If things get REALLY bad, definitely try to call an hotline or go to an hospital as soon as you can! I know it's not an easy decision to take, but you NEED to take care of yourself and to do everything that you can do to stay safe and take GREAT care of yourself because YOU DESERVE IT and YOU MATTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I believe in you! We all believe in you! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as much as we do believe in you and that you'll be able to see yourself like the strong, wonderful person that you truly are like WE'RE ALL SEEING! YOU'RE STRONG! You can do this! You've got this! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, BoomerMudcat

If it’s a mixed episode seek help immediately. They can get dangerous fast and are different to pure mania or depression. Anyone who has experienced a severe mixed episode knows going it alone with only, even the best, coping skills will know that they are unable to reign in a true severe mixed episode. It’s great you can see it might be coming on. I would get to a T and/or pdoc ASAP as it may be able to be shut down before it gets nasty.

Mixed is hell on earth for me. I have a few different PRN’s to take that hopefully knock it out of me or at least take it down a notch.

Hope your feeling better soon.

This really offends me. Nothing like invalidation and judgement from someone sharing the same diagnosis.

Hey OP,

Sorry you are few crappy. How is it going with the girl? From a female perspective here - if you all are in touch, it is cool to say hey I think you are cool want to get a coffee?

Or, hey, I think you are cool and I would like to get to know you. I am not feeling well these days (YES men can say that) ... but perhaps I could get your phone number and call or text you soon?

Do not do the self hatred thing. I have been there and also done the I am ____ of ____ and make six figures (and freaking went off the rails, really).

Be who you are. Exactly at this moment. I am different than you. That is good. If we were all the same, that would not be a good world. All the same. Good job posting and I will look for your reply.

(That above is what my GP told me when I finally showed up for my appt after five months. Have agoraphobia.)

I do hope you feel better. I am not in a good space so please disregard if I do not make sense.

I went for “the guy” just as I am. That is ten years now. He drove me to my GP and was nodding always be yourself. You are special. Like no one else.

I struggle with feeling positive with myself, but I’m old enough to know....this is ME.

xx