sorry

I think I owe everyone here an apology...

I now realize that I've had psychosis for months now, after denying it for a long time. I think if my therapist had known everything that I wrote on here, she would have involuntarily committed me. However, I didn't trust her because... well... she was working behind my back with my pdoc and I felt ganged up on. I kept telling her things and she would tell my pdoc literally everything I said. (I know this for a fact because he had confronted me about what my therapist had told him.) So, being psychotic, I had no idea who else she could've been talking to--the government, the FBI, hospital, police--or what she was planning to do to me, so that fear only fueled the delusional paranoia and made me trust her less. That's why I kept thinking she had set up cameras to watch me 24/7. I had already felt secretly stalked by someone, and with her breaching my trust, I began to believe that SHE was the "secret stalker" all along.

This is no excuse, but I seem to have bad insight most of the time. The only time I can tell when I am currently experiencing psychosis is when the psychosis is mild (e.g., tactile hallucinations). Otherwise, I have to remember to fact check after the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions abate. However, I don't always fact check because the psychosis was so realistic that it doesn't cross my mind to fact check anything. For example, if you're at work and hear a radio, you'll probably figure it's someone playing the radio even if it's just a hallucination. "Why would you fact check a radio?"

I really need to get in the habit of fact checking everything I see/do. sorry.

Why are you sorry? You've been polite and shared. I don't you remember you saying anything worthy of an apology. Perhaps you should share your posts with your therapist. It may be time for more help if the psychosis is so heavy you feel you need to fact check your every move.

((((((((((( blue )))))))))))

You have nothing to be sorry for. This is a safe place to post what’s going on with you and to get feedback from your friends based on posts of past behavior. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope you are feeling better now.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, bluebicycle! I completely agree with what fern46 and Fuzzybear have already wisely said better than I ever could! No apologies are needed! It's not your fault if you were going through all of this after all! You certainly didn't ask for it! I'm really happy that you're acknowledging it now though and I hope that you're feeling a bit better! Thank you so much for making this thread and updating everyone about your own situation! I hope you'll be able to work with your Pdoc and your therapist and that you'll be able to get through all of this! I'm SURE that you'll be able to get through all of this! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Keep fighting and keep trying your best! That's all we humans can do after and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! I know things seem pretty bad right now, but trust me when I say that they CAN and WILL GET BETTER! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, bluebicycle!

Are you taking Rexulti again?

You've nothing to apologize for.

I agree you do not have to apologize, you were not well and had poor insight like you said. It was not your fault and you were not unkind to anyone that I recall. I am glad you were able to fact check this time, that can't be an easy thing to do.

No need to apologize for anything. I’m glad your here posting

No need to apologize..

exactly
How do we know when something seems so real and makes sense?
You take steps to lessen the situation in the future.
And you are
Many hugs and positive vibes

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

So glad to hear a post from you.
((((((HUGS)))))
Thank you for checking in!
bizi

So VERY glad you are feeling better, blue!! That's the important thing. I'm with the others -- you don't really have anything to apologize for! You were unwell and you didn't have insight, but you didn't do anything unkind.

I worry for you that you don't have a lot of IRL support (besides your T and Pdoc). But please remember we are ALWAYS here for you and can help with fact-checking. Yeah, it can be hard to know when to do it sometimes. Is there a way we can help you with that? Just say the word and consider it done. We are more than happy to help in any way we can, because we are always rooting for you and want you to be as well as possible.

Can I just say again how glad I am that you are doing better!!!!!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Thanks for the reassurance, Jennifer.

Yeah, I started taking it again.

I'm feeling groggy, but I'm also depressed. I think the reduction in Lexapro has made me depressed, after feeling restless/wound-up on the higher dose.

Thanks

Hmm... I'm not sure how people can help me when I lack insight. I tend to disbelieve everyone -- both IRL and online -- because my mind is set. But I guess the best thing to do is encourage me to seek help and assure me it's ok to be honest with people? But even then, I'm a bit hardheaded.

I am the same way when I start to go off the rails. I am glad to be free of all those thought disturbances on a low dose of Rexulti and I can even smoke some cannabis too and seem not to have thought disturbances I also believed in hidden cameras and conspiracies of spying on me.

That's good you're able to smoke cannabis without having thought disturbances. I think it'd probably mess with me too much, so I avoid it. (I know you're not suggesting me to use cannabis.)

I generally need high doses of APs. Well, high doses of meds in general. Usually I start off ok on an AP. Then eventually we need to increase the dose as symptoms resurface. I get better with the increased dose. Then we have to increase it again as symptoms flare up again. And after a while, the dose gets maxed out and then I'm screwed. I'm hoping this is not the case with Rexulti.

I am so glad to hear you are better!
have a great sunday blue!
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi
Maybe you could write up a contract while you are sane and sign it with your therapist. For you to read if/when you become psychotic again?

Does this make sense?
bizi

That's a more problematic situation than I have. I recall your saying before you were on 4 mg of Rexulti, which is the maximum dose.

I am on 1 mg, which is a low dose, but I sometimes also take a very small dose of olanzapine at night if my sleep is not good. I have a fitbit to keep track of exactly how my sleep is going. The last two nights I was able to get more than 7.5 hours without any olanzapine and am hoping that continues. I am addicted to cannabis and consume it every day but not a lot, less than a joint a day.

Are your psychotic symptoms related to any sleep disturbances?