[RainyDay107]

I have been trying to log in for awhile and lots of stuff etc. Usually use my iPad but looks like this works on Tapatalk.

Not sure if anyone remembers me.

Mixed episode. I am alone this weekend. I guess that is why I reached out here. Plus I miss the people here.

I feel so strange these days. I am type 1 but dumped into a severe depression last year. The last IP was so damaging that I do not think I will ever go again. Pdoc was FURIOUS about how they handled my meds although he preadmitted me. Basically meaning I was going and only time he ever did that.

I am IP status right now but it is impossible where I live to have chronic pain and mental illness. The last hospital I went to was the only one that would give me my pain protocol while I was there for a severe mixed episode.

I was scared I was permanently damaged for awhile. I told my (then) T I felt stupid and slow. She said I was not. I feel like my brain has been like Tetris, sort of, recalibrating itself.

Two hours sleep last night. Three days zero unless micro sleep which I doubt. There is no productivity here. Self-loathing.

I’m hydrated but food is an afterthought. I am already underweight and had a Dec IP for a few days physical only and electrolytes were off.

I do not watch tv. I am reading a book I have read before. That is good. I am taking my meds. But never one remission. Ever.

April through August is a rapid-cycling time the past ten years. One year I was in IP 6 months, 60K after insurance, left wildly manic and hallucinations of corpses near me for days.

IP does not help me with the meds. Never has.

I am so manic with no sleep and my OCD is in overdrive yet my house is ... not right.

I did eat 3 oz fish, one yogurt, and 1/2 cup pasta today. No caffeine.

I would go over and stay with my dad for safety, but he died last year of a brutal stint of pancreatic cancer.

I moved “home” and cared for him until the end. I will never step foot in that PTSD-laden house again. NEVER. He told me to sell it and I am.

I need an IPST therapist. Something like that. Developed for bipolar 1 but can even be mono therapy for some the 2, which is cool.

But I do have to look. And I need to move.
And. A new pdoc. Cannot think of that. But does it really matter? I see him Monday. I lost insight with the psychosis.

What do I say on Monday? The one IP crushed me (and I am not new to IP), but my insurance only will take that IP for my pain mgmt too.

Back when my life really sucked, I would drop 60K on a residential long term country club style thing. But I gotta buy a house. Like mine sells....this month.

I’m moving out of State. I am scared but I was finally legally able to go no contact with my ex-H so I am GOING.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Blackberry diet ginger ale is yummy if ... well it is good.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Glad to see you Rainy but I'm sorry things are so rough. Do you have an IOP that might help? I understand not wanting to go back to a place where you lost trust.

You've been through so much in the last 18-24 months. Moving is another big thing although it sounds like that will have a positive outcome eventually.

We're here for you.

[RainyDay107]

Ty so much. I have missed you.

I cannot drive and well I have not even been to a grocery store etc for at least a year.

I couldn’t get out of the house for the majority of my T appts. That got expensive and I kept being asked where do I feel it in my body ugh. nvm

She is sweet and massively smart.

I have been thinking of you!

[RainyDay107]

You guys what does it mean when you are exhausted physically like hurting beat down. But you do not want to sleep?

I feel AWFUL I have had the hypo and full mania euphoria and this is not it. Why do I struggle with sleep???

[RainyDay107]

I’m not in danger of grievous harm just as a disclaimer. Nor anyone else. Legalese lol

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Are you able to do therapy on the phone or on skype? I know that has become a more popular option lately here. In my state you just have to be in the same state as the therapist. My pdoc said she'd be able to do that this winter if it snowed badly on a day I was to see her as she worried about me driving 5 hours on bad roads.

I would hate the "where do I feel it" thing. We did that a little when I did an intense PTSD therapy and he stopped asking eventually because it just agitated me and did not help.

I'm so sorry things are so rough. You really need a break.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by RainyDay107

You guys what does it mean when you are exhausted physically like hurting beat down. But you do not want to sleep?

I feel AWFUL I have had the hypo and full mania euphoria and this is not it. Why do I struggle with sleep???

This is TOTALLY me guessing, like I've never asked a professional this, but I think it may be part of the brain damage from repeated episodes. The biochemistry is just messed up from mania destroying sleep, sometimes for a prolonged while and it just doesn't go back to normal.

I also hate sleep because it is a time PTSD tends to arise for me.

I get into trouble sometimes because I WANT to sleep about 10 and could sleep then but if I fall asleep then I am certain to wake at 12 and be awake for 2 hours along with the other 1-2 awake periods I have in the night. I don't think this is good for my brain either.

[Victoria'smom]

I MISSED YOU! I'm sorry your having such a hard time. I set an alarm for 8 hrs and pretend to sleep. I'll count backwards from 100 to keep thoughts away. When I start to think of something I start back at 100.

[Unrigged64072835]

I missed you Rainy. Sorry that life is sucking now, but glad to see you here nonetheless.

I get it about losing sleep. My body feels like jello at 3 AM but brain is racing away.

RainyDay, I'm thinking of you tonight and sending well wishes that you will feel better soon. It sometimes happens slowly, but we do eventually heal. I'm sorry you have had to endure so much.

[RainyDay107]

Thank you SO much! I am glad I am not forgotten. I will be here daily. I have no support friends or biological family.

And I like to support others. Sometimes there are no answers but just to see a reply and a quick message helps.

I used to volunteer for a suicide hotline, a bipolar and major depression weekly meeting (local library)...not at the same time. But I became too ill. I did meet the love of my life.

Despite true, unconditional love - our condition does not go away lol

I instead wrote letters and did easy uplifting art for depression dot org ... but I ceased when my dad died. They have sent kind condolences and pure empathy. I feel so guilty.

[Innerzone]

Remember you? OF COURSE!!!! I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Wish I had words of wisdom (or, you know, a magic wand! Wouldn't THAT be awesome?!) I'm supposed to be getting ready for work, so can't write much, but wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. I hope things improve a lot for you soon.