Ugh!

So I'm depressed.... I'm fooling everyone as I'm chirpy. I have to as, as soon as people know they want you to talk and I dont know why I'm depressed.

Symptoms are the basics tbh no sense of worth, no sense of purpose, thinking of death, hurting myself, can't be bothered cleaning my flat which is tiny, can't be bothered bathing, eating junk food, staring into space, lying on sofa, crying, talking to myself more, no energy, no motivation, no oomph. The list goes on.

My Dad doesn't understand depression he thinks I should just get on with it. I wish I could but as soon as I shut the front door I'm a recluse.

I haven't seen my friends in months, no one visits me at home. I hate people invading my safe place which is my flat.

Any tips or wise words for me I want to let people in I just hate letting people down

I’m sorry you’re depresssed, I am too

I suck at letting people into my cave too

No wise words to offer, but I think you are brave for reaching out. I hope things get better soon. Hugs

((((((( Miss Laura ))))))))

I’m not wise at all. But thank you for reaching out here. I’ve been skipping basic necessary tasks and not doing “ok” at all. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us.

Depression is insidious. It sneaks in and slowly takes over our lives. This is not your fault. I totally understand the inability to do those things when depressed. Is there anything at all that brings you even a tiny amount of joy? When I am depressed I sometimes drag myself to the beach. I rarely make it but when I do I experience a tiny, tiny amount of hope within the emptiness. We are here for you. Hang in there. Depressions do pass. If the people around you truely care about you they won't care about the state you are in and will instead accept you and not judge. Is there any particular person you trust to not judge you? If so, start with that person first. Maybe go out for a coffee near your flat if you can't have her/him over. Take care.

Thanks Wander, I feel like I'm stuck in the vicious circle of not being good enough. Nothing brings me even the slightest glimmer of happiness. I feel like such a failure. I have failed myself, my family and everyone who has supported me. My Dad just doesn't get it. He hasn't took into consideration in November 2017 my Mum suffered a sever stroke and nearly died. I was "sane" all through that going to the hospital every day and staying with my Dad to keep him company since he had broken his wrist and couldn't do anything. No-one asks how I am I just get on with it.

But I feel I can't let people in as I'm a disappointment to them. I cant even look after my tiny wee flat without messing that up. I can talk to my Sister but again I hate disappointing her.

Do you have any upbeat, high-energy music you could listen to in order to give yourself a bit of a break? That's what I do. Being as you're in Scotland, check out Wolfstone, Paul Mounsey, Shooglenifty, Albannach, and Rock, Salt & Nails. When I'm listening to any of them I always end up moving with the music. (I wouldn't exactly call it dancing.) These are all modern folk with powerful rythmn sections, often pipes and whistles, and somtimes Gaelic lyrics.

I like the Red Hot Chilli Pipers and Scottish music which I've been listening too and pop music randoms from the 90's onwards. I just feel in myself pain and emptiness

The Red Hot Chili Pipers rock. I understand the pain and emptiness. I wish there were something I could do for you. Keep posting here. We love to stay connected.

Saw my Psychiatrist today, he has upped the Depakote to 750mg AM and PM. I was on 500mg AM and 750mg PM. I can't take Antidepressants as they send me manic. He says all my symptoms are depression to a t. He says I can see my CPN more if needs be. I see her monthly.

He says to do bitesize in housework and in life in general.

I guess I'll see him in 6 months time again.

Oh and on my notes my diagnosis says in remission which puzzled me. But he explained it changes over time depending on where I am mood wise

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Miss Laura! Please don't be so hard on yourself! I completely agree with what all the other great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! It sucks to be depressed! Please remember that you're not letting ANYONE down! It's not your fault if you're feeling like this! Of course you'd feel better if you could just snap aout of it, but unfortunately that's not possible! I'm so sorry your Father doesn't understand you! Please DO consider reaching to your sister if you can and want to! I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there if you feel like she'll understand how you feel and what you mean! Maybe that could help! Please try NOT to worry too much about letting other people down! You are you and you're trying your best! That's all that matters! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm really happy that you were able to see your Psychiatrist! I hope your Meds will help you feel a little bit better! Please let us know if we can do ANYTHING at all to help you! You know we all care about you! You know we all love you! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need to and want to! You know we'll NEVER judge you! I promise you that! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserves to suffer AT ALL, certainly NOT YOU! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if we can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! Please keep us updated as much as you can and want to of course! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Miss Laura!

Thanks MickeyCheeky, I'm gonna try talking to my Sister or my 2 friends 2hom I'm seeing this next week I think. I said to my Paychiatrist I feel like a disappointment and that I let everyone down he says I'm not and it's the nature of the illness. I should be honest with my support team as they are there to help me.

I spoke to my friend and she was so understanding last night. We are making time for each other on Easter Monday. I know I'm gonna have to speak about what's going on but she doesn't rush me so that's good.

Sorry I just saw your thread, Miss Laura. Sorry you are feeling so crappy. I'm SO glad your friend has been understanding!! It can be hard when we feel so bad about ourselves, but sometimes we have to give people a chance to help and be there for us. As you have found, they can turn our expectations upside down.
Hope you get to feeling better soon.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure