head spinning

Everything is swirling in my head now H’s T wants to talk to me. How do I nicely say no without just ghosting her or shutting down? This issue has been growing for 17+ yrs and has so much tied up in it. It’s part of the reason I jump on and off medication and has almost caused divorce several times and still could. It hits so close to home. She’s the first T EVER to know the whole truth. I don’t want to deal with it. So much other stuff will come up. About how ****ed up I truly am. Our “they’re a good couple” is being shattered. I can’t handle this. but that doesn’t look like stable / doing okay. So I can’t do that. I thought about drugging the hell out of myself but how long can I really do that and not become an addict? I can’t purge. I’m out of ideas. Then there’s a possibility she wants to evaluate me for IP or if I do talk to her that it will go down that road. How do I handle this? I want to ghost her. H wont let that happen. She’s not one to let things go. I can’t just go mute on her because H will be there and knows my tricks. I can’t be completely honest with H there and I can’t be completely honest about my drug misuse because she has access to my file and PDoc. Maybe I’m overthinking this? I planned to ghost my whole mental health team and just live off 100 mg lamictal and occasional Zyprexa. Until I run out. I’m aware enough to realize my head is loud and I feel like there are bugs all over me. I’m so tired. H’s T wants me to get real help with everything.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I know what it is like to want so desperately to keep something private and feel like there's no way out without it all coming up. I had some very deep and personal stuff that I didn't want to face surface recently and it came out horribly while I was manic.

You said she may want to evaluate you for IP. I know IP stays can be difficult, but maybe that would give you a safe place to work through this without H and T there. Perhaps it would give you some time to process a little before you face them fully. You mention you'd like to self harm in a couple of ways. Please don't do that.

Sometimes getting it all out makes you stronger. Consider that possibility. Regardless, I hope H and T can respect your boundaries and allow this to come out in a way that serves you and the health of your marriage.

Yes. And playing fortune teller/projecting. You are convinced of what she will do without giving her the chance to act as a free agent.

Um, that is a good thing. You're worried about it being exposed how ****ed up things are, but it's more ****ed up to work so hard on not getting better.

Hope that's not too blunt.

I VERY much understand the feeling of needing to protect deep dark secrets. I dealt with it a lot on ex-BF's account. And now, I have a new T and need to go into another issue that -- well, let's put it this way -- I'm sitting here at a loss how to even describe how mortified I feel talking about it AT ALL. And it's been going on for 40 years. So believe me, I get it. But I don't even stand a chance of getting over it if I don't deal with it. Otherwise, by now, the "don't talk about it" approach would have worked, right? Believe me when I say it not only has not worked, but it is worse than ever.

Just go. Fighting against getting help isn't doing you any favors.

Sending strength and best wishes.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I don't know if this will be of any consequence to you. But here's a link to an article, from PC's archives, that discusses meeting with your partner's therapist:

The When, What, and Why of Meeting With Your Partner's Therapist | Partners in Wellness

I read the article and today I'm less worried about it being a trick to get me IP. She would have wanted to see me sooner if she wanted me hospitalized. Right?

So I'm going to go and be as honest as I can. If anything I can tell her that I think she'll try to hospitalize me. She really wants me in therapy. She's not use to talking to me so we'll see.