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Old 04-22-2019, 02:15 PM #11
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

Whatever happened to people politely talking their issues through?

This reminded me of a guy I was in a group therapy session with. A girl kept bumping his chair and he didn't like it. He told me and several others about it. He gave dirty looks. He even scooted his chair over a little. She didn't get the hint. She was manic and on a lot of meds. He finally just left.

I kept wondering to myself why he couldn't say 'excuse me, could you please stop bumping into my chair?' I find that asking someone nicely to stop doing something usually stops the behavior dead in its tracks. You usually get an apology too. I encouraged this guy to speak up. I offered to say something for him, but instead he just left. He literally stewed about it for days when all he needed to do was be brave enough to kindly ask for what he wanted.

Joe... Maybe the person was inconsiderate, but that doesn't mean they are less than or have some sort of disorder. Missing the basic opportunity to speak up politely seems what is out of place to me. You shouldn't have to move your chair. Just move your mouth in the right way. People aren't mind readers and they aren't the idiots you make them out to be. They are just people. Like you.
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:32 PM #12
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

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Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
Whatever happened to people politely talking their issues through?



This reminded me of a guy I was in a group therapy session with. A girl kept bumping his chair and he didn't like it. He told me and several others about it. He gave dirty looks. He even scooted his chair over a little. She didn't get the hint. She was manic and on a lot of meds. He finally just left.



I kept wondering to myself why he couldn't say 'excuse me, could you please stop bumping into my chair?' I find that asking someone nicely to stop doing something usually stops the behavior dead in its tracks. You usually get an apology too. I encouraged this guy to speak up. I offered to say something for him, but instead he just left. He literally stewed about it for days when all he needed to do was be brave enough to kindly ask for what he wanted.



Joe... Maybe the person was inconsiderate, but that doesn't mean they are less than or have some sort of disorder. Missing the basic opportunity to speak up politely seems what is out of place to me. You shouldn't have to move your chair. Just move your mouth in the right way. People aren't mind readers and they aren't the idiots you make them out to be. They are just people. Like you.
I didn't say anything the first time and moved forward then the second time in turned and looked which he saw me. The third time I had enough and told him to stop and showed him he had literally 4ft of room. His smile left when I got up and was 1 ft away from his face. Not so funny when the person you're being a **** to is an fearless bipolar people and at that time I didnt care about anything around me or he had a big friend. It doesnt take a rocket science or mind reader that banging your backpack against someone back is a jackass thing to do. Or when they say to stop then have the audacity to smile and give no apologies. I have no problem speaking up and I tried to be considerate and move forward to allow him more space. 4ft of space from my chair to the chair he kept moving to hit mine isn't an accident. Some people do things like this to start a fight or get someone to move. I had a good seat and was already there so if their intention was to make me leave well that wouldnt ever happen I never just leave and I never go without speaking up. I actually speak too much and never back down even it I'll die for it because you have to have fear which I do not. They just bullied the wrong person and everyone saw what 2 *****es looked like.

His big friend tried to stare me down but without fear his eyes changed and realized the mistake him and his jackass friend just created. In an unconventional fight the bigger they are the harder they fall.

So yah he and his friend does have some disorder where he gets joy in being a asshole, they're just all bark and no bite. A look is more than words as he knew he was hitting my chair disrupting my writing. Then when I asked not to do it the smile then got me out of my chair. Also I totally disagree with you about people just like me. You are wrong on many levels. And yes he is less than everyone in that place, maybe he was beaten as a child or tortured but doing the same to others is not an excuse.

What would u do? I'd like to bash your chair over and over and see your reaction. And smile at you when you ask to stop. If you walk away then you just empowered them and allow them to terrorize and that is not who I am. I stand up against those people and if it wasnt me and he was doing it to the people next to me I'd do the same thing. I wont and will never allow that behavior and will stop it. No one deserves to be treated like that. This wasnt a manic person just 2 asshole college kids that thinks because their big they can do what they want.
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Old 04-22-2019, 08:04 PM #13
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

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I liked the beginning of what you wrote, but when you generalised from one incident to "normal people are abusive and mean" I don't agree with your thinking. It's same old the "I" versus "Them" rant. Doesn't get anyone anywhere in my opinion.



I think you are entirely correct in that most people go through challenges in their life and can be momentarily aggressive to strangers as a result of that. I know that I've occasionally been super aggressive to public transport employees when the frustration of commuting took me over.



Yes, we can walk away. We can look for situations where people behave in a more human, open manner. We can walk away to protect from our own triggers (I'm a violence survivor also). I don't idealise "peace" because I grew up in an environment where you had to deal with violence. Emotionally however like you I need a certain amount of healthy human behaviours around me in order to relax and learn about myself.



Finding a way to meet my need to be surrounded by health behaviour is more important than ranting and controlling the behaviour of other people. It's about contacting my own healthy behaviours inside, and letting them help me to connect to healthy other people outside.



All people are limited and sometimes nasty in my opinion. It's easier to expect more from others than I can achieve myself but actively meeting my emotional needs gets me a lot further. Note to self: how can I act in an emotionally healthy way in the next hour/ today???? Eeek….. now that is a challenge.



You write well, have you tried joining a writers' group and sometimes writing/ reading your stuff with other people?
I've watched and studied those types of people, I've encountered them numerous times. They find enjoyment in harming others and scaring people to get what they want. But the minute someone stands against them they crumble, usually no one will stand up especially when its 2 against 1. The most dangerous people in this world have nothing to prove and do not act in such a manner. Those are only cowards and bullies.

As for a writing group I might look into it, that actually sounds interesting.
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Old 04-22-2019, 10:51 PM #14
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

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I'm going to give it a shot, thanks for your suggestion. I'll let you know how it goes, tomorrow I'll look up book stores. Do libraries count as well?


Yes that would be a great idea too
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Old 04-23-2019, 06:30 AM #15
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

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I've watched and studied those types of people, I've encountered them numerous times. They find enjoyment in harming others and scaring people to get what they want. But the minute someone stands against them they crumble, usually no one will stand up especially when its 2 against 1. The most dangerous people in this world have nothing to prove and do not act in such a manner. Those are only cowards and bullies.

As for a writing group I might look into it, that actually sounds interesting.

I did a writing group through Meetup, and a friend did a similar local writing group. Although we have very different personalities and ages, both were positive experiences. I was surprised to find that although people were writing very different stuff (mostly fantasy and sci-fi) there was a good level of creativity and ecouragement. My friend's group took place in a pub and was very social which suited her need. Seems like creative effort can be a good bond amongst strangers, plus my group did 2 hours writing together while helps with structure and motivation.
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Old 04-24-2019, 07:06 AM #16
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

Let's try to stay supportive of each other.
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:51 PM #17
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Default Re: Trying to relax at a coffee shop

so you who are complaining about those guys acting like aggressive jerks pretty much acted like the same thing. guess it's lucky a brawl didn't end up happening over who was the biggest "man" fighting over banging into a chair. honestly your language sounds about the same as the guys you are complaining about. just my $0.02.

seems like it just isn't worth getting all aggressive and worked up ready to kick some *** over. "His smile left when I got up and was 1 ft away from his face. Not so funny when the person you're being a **** to is an fearless bipolar people and at that time I didnt care about anything around me or he had a big friend." again so much for the calm response..what's the point? move the chair, move yourself.

." I had a good seat and was already there so if their intention was to make me leave well that wouldnt ever happen I never just leave and I never go without speaking up. I actually speak too much and never back down even it I'll die for it because you have to have fear which I do not. They just bullied the wrong person and everyone saw what 2 *****es looked like.

His big friend tried to stare me down but without fear his eyes changed and realized the mistake him and his jackass friend just created. In an unconventional fight the bigger they are the harder they fall."

trying to relax? again looks like you were looking for a fight...I suggest a library where you can get a single reading spot off by yourself, with no one near you...if that is what you truly want. peace and quiet. better yet, maybe a park sitting outside...something you can walk to where you will burn off some energy to get to.
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