[Tryingtobehappy5]

I missed being here!

Been IP since April 1, too much alcohol and SI so after 2 nights in the tank they sent me here. Actually the second night I went to the ER and told them I was very suicidal, drinking and planning all day so I was worried. They sent me home to take a sleeping pill instead of helping me so I went home drank more and then took the pill so I was extra messed up. Then the next morning I said I didnt want their help anymore so they sent me involuntary as usual. What a mess.

So Im sober and on meds again but I have to decide which pdoc I want to see after this. I like my far away pdoc but she had me on such high doses compared to what this one has me on. She also seen me for an hour every couple of weeks while this one used to see me 15min every 3 months.

I dont know what I need to do but I cant afford to mess up again or Im probably gonna be kicked out by my H. He says its out of love for me(no more enabling) and because the kids need stability and I do get it even though its scary and hurts a little. The first week I was really mad and felt like I couldnt trust anyone but once the really bad depression lifted and I wasnt so messed up it made more sense.

So my old doses are in my signature and here is what im on now
25mg seroquel
150mg welbutrin
750mg depakote

Thats a big difference, how am I supposed to figure out who is right? Its so hard to trust these people as it is. Any opinions? Im so confused.

Im also waiting to get into rehab and got rejected by the IP dbt program because I dont have the drinking under control and I havent been stable. Plus im going to see my T again next week after a few months and I dont know if I trust her fully either. I honestly just want to shut everyone out when I get out of here tomorrow but I know that will not end well for me.

[wildflowerchild25]

Good to hear from you! I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. It is hard to decide who to trust. Especially when you feel like ****. I hope you’re able to make a sound decision. I hope also that you’re able to get your drinking under control. That definitely does not help with stability.

I don’t have much advice, just wanted to say we support you!

[Victoria'smom]

Honestly I'd stick with the pdoc you like. You need more then 15 min every three months.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am sorry you are struggling. Well, it sounds like you just started these new meds? Could you see you preferred pdoc but discuss the new meds you are on and decide if you want to try that combo out for longer? I don't know which meds would be better for you, but if you are unstable maybe better to see someone more frequently is my thought, unless of course the meds you were on before were not good for you and that is all they will offer.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you've been through all fo this, Tryingtobehappy5! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're back and that you're feeling a little bit better right now! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Fifteen minutes every three months is definitely NOT enough time to assit you and help you! I'd suggest to just talk to the Pdoc you like about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Hopefully he will be able to help you! As for your meds they will probably take some time before you can start to see some benefits or effects! Just keep an eye on yourself and ask your husband for some help and to keep an eye on you if you feel like you may need it! If ANY problems start showing up or ANY side effects starto to prove to bee too troublesome for you DEFINITELY try to talk to your Pdoc about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Contact him as soon as you can in that case! Most importantly, just stay away from alcohol as much as you possibly CAN and take GREAT care of yourself! Just focus on yourself at the moment, ok? Sending many hugs to you, Tryingtobehappy5!

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Thanks everyone

H thinks I should keep seeing the other pdoc as well. I like the idea of the lower doses but she didnt think the lower doses were enough. The truth is I never stayed on meds for more than 8wks and usually more like 2 or 3wks so that was probably more the reason the meds couldnt work at all. Plus I was drinking so that has a huge effect too. I will talk to her about all of this and see what she thinks.

Im going to AA and happy that I am sober and on my meds so I feel like I am on the right track. I also worked on myself while IP once the really deep depression and SI lifted. I did cbt and distress tolerance worksheets and talked to the nurses openly for once. Its nice feeling positive about things but still there is some fear that this disorder will screw up my thinking again and send me back downhill. Just gonna focus on being selfish in the right ways and reaching out instead of isolating when I need to.

[Victoria'smom]

Do you know why you only take your medication for a little time?

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Do you know why you only take your medication for a little time?

I thought a lot about that while I was IP and there are three things I can see.

When I start to go up I dont use any prn meds to help me settle down again and so I keep going up. Then I decide I dont want to take them at all because I am so "happy" and feel I deserve it and that it wont end badly. That is obviously wrong but I just cant see it then.

When I start to get depressed I tell myself the meds arent working and that I dont care anyway.

The last thing I can think of is that I still have this belief that the meds are causing this even though every time I go off I end up doing so badly. I feel less like that is true now but its still there. So I go off thinking I will prove that I dont need them. Its just feels like I cant put the pills in my mouth anymore because I think they are hurting me.

I feel like I am more likely to be able to handle the first two issues now that I can see where it starts. Plus I dont really have any more chances with my H so I have more incentive to get help before things are out of control. I think its the last one I am most worried about because its like a wall goes up so fast with no warning. Or I just havent figured out what triggers that yet.

Tired of being so unstable I want to fix it now