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Smile Jun 09, 2019 at 12:27 PM
  #621
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Originally Posted by GoldenSnitch View Post
I slept horribly last night despite all of my bed time routines and medications.

I’m currently hanging with my daughter who is the love of my life and she brings me so much joy.

My parents are coming over at some point to help me do some stuff to get my backyard ready for grass. It’s a bit of a mess right now. But I look forward to having a nice area for myself to sit and read and for my daughter to play.
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Red face Jun 09, 2019 at 12:29 PM
  #622
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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
Heading back down. Not sure I really want to. The wedding was lovely. Good time had by all. Only two flies in the ointment: I fell this morning taking out the trash on a slick ramp and twisted my ankle. It is swelling and bruising but I can walk on it so I’m going ahead and I’ll see somebody down there if it gets worse. The second thing is my daughter is in about a foul a mood as I’ve ever seen her. God bless the Kindle! Going to handle her gently and read most of the trip.

I hope everybody has a peaceful week.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
@Jennifer 1967

Where are you going? sorry about your ankle...can you ice it?
(((((HUGS)))))
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 02:51 PM
  #623
I've been doing okay and had an average weekend

managed to get out to town on friday for a bit (even if it was raining, hard!)

I just wish at the moment the chronic pain wasn't so bad. it is very bad at the moment
 
 
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 02:54 PM
  #624
probably need to eat better too, on friday and saturday I had takeout (well, the new chip shop next to me is so addictive, I can't resist) and today I had chicken

but oh well. it's what you like I guess
 
 
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 03:17 PM
  #625
I ended up cleaning my whole apartment today. Also studying some stuff on Khan Academy till I'm ready to start taking classes again at my college. Had to take the past semester off due to mental health issues. Nice free way to learn about various subjects in depth, it's a lot of fun. I'm also really enjoying my new video game, and also a book I'm reading called "The Water Will Come" by Jeff Goodell 😃

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:17 PM
  #626
It was a rough day again today. A little better than before, but still not so great. It was a little cathartic, albeit painful. I don’t want to give a lot of details. I tried that once and I immediately regretted my decision and prayed for minimal views and quick deletion. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s nothing against you all, you’re very supportive – but my own conscious can’t seem to process this alone, but I can’t willingly burden others or open up like that again. But I will talk vaguely, because it bypasses my own filter and at least helps me some.

I will only say this to put something into context, as to why this is so painful and why I feel I’m being drug willingly through all of this. C (that will be the initial of my spouse) is from Mexico. We married 5 years ago, and while if we divorced it is possible C could stay in the country… she is afraid. I don’t want to hurt C. If you’ve read any of my posts before you know how hard I fought for an independent life and how I fought to have everything I have and own. To have a career, a marriage, a license, a car, a home, .. everything. … and how I lost it all. I have to rebuild from the rubble. I have to rise from the ashes and I just don’t know how to rewrite my life, or if I event want to do it again…. And I can’t force C to lose her life she has created .. not like I did. I lost my life through my own faults – C didn’t do anything and deserves to live a life of happiness. I won’t take that away from her.
The world is against me on this one. Everyone thinks (mind you, they don’t know the story, just the fact I am having to live with my mother and things are essentially over) I should divorce and cause her the same pain I’m going through. I just can’t be vengeful like that.

Despite having to live at home, having no job, a failed marriage and lots of emotional pain and bipolar to top it off.. it’s just been hell these last few months. I go back and forth between sorrow and anger and moments of peace, to almost happiness, to deep depression again. It’s part of why I don’t post anymore – I feel one way, and regret showing that side of me.

I guess I just figured if you’re going to keep me in your thoughts and/or your prayers – you might as well understand the circumstances aren’t ordinary. (It’s additive, anyone going through a divorce, a job loss, and all that will feel very similar. I’m not trying to make it sound special, just the circumstances add a lot to it). That’s all I got.
Just living in hell isn’t what I wanted for myself, but it’s where I am.
 
 
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:32 PM
  #627
Brentus do you have the option of IOP?

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:33 PM
  #628
Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:41 PM
  #629
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
Brentus do you have the option of IOP?

I don't think so. I live in rural Kentucky and by a quick search the closest is 2.5 hours away, which I wouldn't have the money to drive to everyday or the money to stay up there. I don't have insurance right now and so I couldn't foot the bill anyway. Lastly, I'm not sure how much help it would really be. In a lot of ways I'm just grieving. The little I let out, I do find some solace in that. I think my best option is to just continue to work through it alone, and only express things here when I have trouble coming to terms alone.
 
 
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 07:47 PM
  #630
@Brentus I just want you to know that you're being way too hard on yourself. Everyone is here to share and offer support where they can. I honestly feel the only one judging you is yourself. I respect that it's hard to open up but you've not said anything to feel embarrassed about and I don't pity you, just hope for things to turn around for you. Hang in there man, we're all here for you when you're ready.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 08:28 PM
  #631
I've been having a bit of a tough weekend mental health wise, but I am feeling better at coping and more self aware which is helping me navigate. I am in a situation where I feel like I have to make a decision regarding going to a wedding and that it will either hurt the bride or a close friend of mine. That's the short story, it's a bit more complicated. I moped about it a bit and was pretty hard on myself for feeling "two-faced" over the whole thing. I was the peacekeeper in a family with some issues and I think I have not yet learned how to deal well with interpersonal conflict such as this. So, maybe a topic for therapy. I have decided to dive head first into my issues in therapy in hopes of becoming a better person and finding a way to better navigate through life.

On a positive note, I was successful at eating healthy and socializing with friends last night. We had a game night which was a lot of fun. I could have just stayed inside but knew I needed to be around people and it did feel good. Hope everyone has a good week! I also have PT tomorrow. I am glad to be getting help for my joint issues.
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 09:44 PM
  #632
Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
@Jennifer 1967

Where are you going? sorry about your ankle...can you ice it?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
Thanks bizi. We usually go to Panama City Beach for two weeks but had to travel back up after a week for a wedding then travel back down for the second week. Ice is helping the ankle. Thanks for the hugs. ((((HUGS))))
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 11:21 PM
  #633
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Originally Posted by Brentus View Post
It was a rough day again today. A little better than before, but still not so great. It was a little cathartic, albeit painful. I don’t want to give a lot of details. I tried that once and I immediately regretted my decision and prayed for minimal views and quick deletion. I won’t make that mistake again. It’s nothing against you all, you’re very supportive – but my own conscious can’t seem to process this alone, but I can’t willingly burden others or open up like that again. But I will talk vaguely, because it bypasses my own filter and at least helps me some.

I will only say this to put something into context, as to why this is so painful and why I feel I’m being drug willingly through all of this. C (that will be the initial of my spouse) is from Mexico. We married 5 years ago, and while if we divorced it is possible C could stay in the country… she is afraid. I don’t want to hurt C. If you’ve read any of my posts before you know how hard I fought for an independent life and how I fought to have everything I have and own. To have a career, a marriage, a license, a car, a home, .. everything. … and how I lost it all. I have to rebuild from the rubble. I have to rise from the ashes and I just don’t know how to rewrite my life, or if I event want to do it again…. And I can’t force C to lose her life she has created .. not like I did. I lost my life through my own faults – C didn’t do anything and deserves to live a life of happiness. I won’t take that away from her.
The world is against me on this one. Everyone thinks (mind you, they don’t know the story, just the fact I am having to live with my mother and things are essentially over) I should divorce and cause her the same pain I’m going through. I just can’t be vengeful like that.

Despite having to live at home, having no job, a failed marriage and lots of emotional pain and bipolar to top it off.. it’s just been hell these last few months. I go back and forth between sorrow and anger and moments of peace, to almost happiness, to deep depression again. It’s part of why I don’t post anymore – I feel one way, and regret showing that side of me.

I guess I just figured if you’re going to keep me in your thoughts and/or your prayers – you might as well understand the circumstances aren’t ordinary. (It’s additive, anyone going through a divorce, a job loss, and all that will feel very similar. I’m not trying to make it sound special, just the circumstances add a lot to it). That’s all I got.
Just living in hell isn’t what I wanted for myself, but it’s where I am.


Hey , I’m sorry your so down and beating up on yourself. There is no need for details, your whole life got turned upside down. How your feeling is very understandable. I hope you have a T that you can see that will help you process all the changes in your life and how will be best for your moving forward. Everyone needs a helping hand in life. Keep posting whatever your comfortable sharing.

Bipolar cycles , the one consistent thing the bytch does , you will come out the other side

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 11:24 PM
  #634
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Originally Posted by sadveiledbride View Post
Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.


Do any coping skills help when your feeling like this ?

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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 11:27 PM
  #635
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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
Do any coping skills help when your feeling like this ?

Yes, I do... am feeling a bit better now. Thank you for the reply, Christina.
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Red face Jun 09, 2019 at 11:38 PM
  #636
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Originally Posted by sadveiledbride View Post
Didn't wake up until late today, feeling very depressive and low.
@sadveiledbride
I am sorry you are very depressed right now.
what coping skills have you tried?
(((((hugs))))
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Default Jun 09, 2019 at 11:54 PM
  #637
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@sadveiledbride
I am sorry you are very depressed right now.
what coping skills have you tried?
(((((hugs))))
bizi
hi, I've tried to interact with people today and do something positive to express my pain, like journaling.

Last edited by sadveiledbride; Jun 10, 2019 at 12:14 AM..
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 07:28 AM
  #638
After 19 days on Wellbutrin I think it's starting to work. I feel less withdrawn, less insecure and my body pains from the depression have reduced by about 70%. I'm not out of the woods yet but it looks like there's a path.

My eldest son came back again for a visit! He surprised his mother last month by showing up for mother's day and now he'll be here for father's day! He's also here to support the Raptors basketball team for the finals games.

It took him 30 hours this time due to delays on the way.

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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 10:57 AM
  #639
This has gone through my mind a bit lately, but today it really hit me. I have felt better and more stable these past few weeks than I have for years. Several years! I have a really good amount of energy so have been more physically active than I can remember. When I am not doing much, I get this feeling like "BirdDancer, let's do something now!" And then I do it, and I'm enjoying it. In fact, I'm enjoying a lot of things most of the time. But it's not a euphoric type enjoyment. I truly am stable and grounded. I feel more confident about adding more activities to my days. With the decrease of my Seroquel XR from 600 mg to 500 mg, my appetite has reduced enough that I'd call my current Seroquel XR dose "weight neutral" again. This is the fifth day of a strict diet, and I have done great and am actually enjoying the meal planning and food tracking. And the food. I'm even meal planning for my husband. My self-care activities have increased. When I see my therapist tomorrow and she asks how I've been/am, I really can't say anything other than "Truly very good and balanced!" These past weeks my "reports" have been pretty good, as well.

It was kind of odd, as my Seroquel XR dose went down, I was actually sleeping a little more than usual (10 hours per night). I believe I mentioned that here and attributed it to my increased activity, just plain tuckering me out by the end of the day. My sleep length has normalized a bit in the last few days, but "normal" is 8 to 9 hours, and the sleep is very sweet and restorative. I'm ready to go soon after I wake up.

So I guess it may be time for me to add on another activity to my life and see how it goes. I will continue the French classes, and will try to add some more writing in my days. I also want to add one more social event each week.

I see my psychiatrist in two weeks, then he's away for most of six weeks. I believe I'll do well during that period. My therapist said that if something does happen during that period, that she would see me more than usual. She's great! I actually see her every Tuesday, so more than that would likely only happen if a major change happens. I hope not! I think it's accurate for me to say, that she is the best therapist (for me) that I have ever had in my entire 15 years of seeing therapists. I feel like, with her, I could finally reach some bigger goals. I'm very fortunate right now.
 
 
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Default Jun 10, 2019 at 11:02 AM
  #640
Im waiting at Starbucks for Molly. We only will have about an hour as she has a drs appointment today.

I got up late today- 10:00! I should get my butt up and EMBRACE the day! I feel like a slug if I don't.

I found a book at Barnes n Noble called "Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life". Its all pretty fa.iliar but her life circumstances are different than mine. Plus, she's a lawyer- I have few skills like that- life-long skills- except singing and I'm failing at that since my vocal cords went bad (one doesn't work).

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