[Wild Coyote]

I am totally exhausted and cannot sleep. I can try to sleep... and even doze off... to only JUMP immediately... Whole body is jumping!

I hope this situation lightens up and stabilizes SOON! There are no signs of achieving sanity anytime soon! Quite disconcerting, to say the least,!

Love to ALL

[Victoria'smom]

Wild Coyote is there anything we can do to help?

[Blueberrybook]

I've had better mornings. I had a bad panic attack and the pdoc has me take Klonopin, hydroxyzine (25 mg) and low-Seroquel (25 mg, up to 2 pills) if I think I need it. I skipped the Seroquel and opted for the Klonopin and hydroxyzine, which can make me groggy, but not as bad as the Seroquel. Unfortunately, I had just picked up a bottle of Trazodone (50 mg pills) from the pharmacy yesterday and accidently put it with my emergency panic meds. I ended up taking 50 mg Trazodone instead of the hydroxyzine. I went for a walk, and it was like walking through soup. I got home and started getting beyond sleepier than ever with the panic meds even when I opt to take 2 low dose Seroquel pills. After some time dragged by, and I wasn't better, I knew I'd made a medication mistake. Checked the bottles and figured out what likely happened. OMG, it took all morning and then some to wear off, and I probably took the Trazodone around 6 AM. I have taken much larger doses of Trazodone in the past - up to 400, 450 mg, something like that, so I figured I wasn't in serious danger especially as I usually take 25 mg of the Trazodone at night to help with sleep (cut the 50 mg pill in half). Just waking up now. A bit nauseous and feeling run over by a truck from that ordeal. Don't think I can stomach lunch just yet, maybe I'll try around 1, 1:30 PM. I can barely stomach water right now.

I hate, hate, HATE being mixed. That's how my mind goes. I put stuff down, forget where I put it, don't read labels on medication for bad panic attacks (the pills all look different except Trazodone 50 mg and hydroxyzine 25 mg look similar from the manufacturers my pharmacy uses). I forget everything constantly. I ride a rollercoaster of ups and downs daily. Ugh.

Skipping IOP today. I'm tired of going. I don't have much motivation. Hopefully this isn't the start of a depression.

I've had an OK day. I got out today, ran some errands, and went walking. It's been better than other days.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

@Wander, sometimes psychiatric problems can cause physical pain. It happened to my mom when she went off her meds. She was having pain in her stomach, and they never found a physical reason for it. Once she was stable on her meds the pain stopped. Might be worth talking to your pdoc about that.

Thanks. I had thought of that but then moved towards the physical as my symptoms were so complex and similar to certain conditions. Now you mention it I am rethinking that it has possible psychological/medication causes.

It started before I began titrating off Lamotrogine and I’ve been under much more severe stress in the past without this happening. Still, I will chat to my pdoc today about it. Think I would prefer mental health related as it can be resolved without operations or procedures, or worse, be lifelong.

[Blue_Bird]

Met with my case manager and got some paperwork ready for the new apartment I'm trying to get into.

I'm super excited because of the Nintendo Direct at E3 today, they showed off many new games that I'm really looking forward to!

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

xRavenx, congratulations on your upcoming home ownership! That is exciting, though I understand how it has its bit of stress, as well. When you move in your furniture and other stuff, I hope you take a moment to look around and say "My home! All mine!" That is a special moment.

That's bad luck that your psychiatrist is no longer covered under your insurance. Do you think your psychiatrist may offer you a slightly lower rate now? If you aren't comfortable asking for one, I'd at least let him know that you are continuing with him, despite the insurance coverage, because you value him a lot. Maybe just that might trigger a reduction offer. If not, then you can make it work.

Thank you, Bird Dancer!! There's so much paperwork that I need to get in within such a short period of time, but I'm going to do all in my power to get it done. But it's so hard to do while working! I know it'll be worth it though.

I am hoping my pdoc will work with me on lowering the rate. If not, I'll just have to accept the expense, because I really trust her and like her better than any other pdoc I've ever had.

xRavenx: Congratulations on buying your new home! I am also a homeowner (apartment condo) and it's a source of pride. I've been here for 14 years but i do remember the buying process was quite stressful. Actually, i was pretty numb by the time i moved in. Then i got super bad buyer's remorse as i had a noisy neighbor and my toilet was flaky. But the neighbor moved out and a plumber fixed the toilet and every year here i get happier and happier with my home. I bought mainly to have an affordable place to live after i turn 65 and my benefits all but disappear and in this respect it's been a wise decision all around.

In other news, i had a pretty intense and painful pity party today about my appearance. I got all wound up about how fat and ugly i look. But i was cheered by this article in Psychology Today about overcoming appearance hatred. It said to focus on your *inner* self; qualities about yourself that you like not having to do with appearance. Well that's easy: i like that i am smart, funny, kind and honest. It said not to compare yourself to women in the media but rather to see the beauty in IRL women you admire. Hello! I think i will go on a TV and movie cleanse as my shows just feature such thin women it makes me feel bad about myself. If i need amusement i'll go to the mall and people-watch. You see all types at the mall. It said to exercise and eat sensibly for the healthy *functioning* of your body, rather than for appearance. It said to take a break from the mirror. It said to dress for comfort, which i've already nailed with my new waistbandless wardrobe! It said to take aging in stride and not compare yourself to women years or decades younger. Aging is not for cowards!

Anyways, i feel a whole lot better since i read this article and wanted to share. I've been raging about my weight-gainer meds and considering foolish things like going off them without my doctor's supervision and consent and now i've put all that silly thinking to rest.

[Wander]

Update: Saw my pdoc a few hours ago. He agreed I come off Lamotrogine at 100 mg a week (going down slow through the week). I’m thrilled. Hopefully my vision will return to normal. He asked that I update him via email each week to make sure I’m ok. Is that a fast taper?

He is also following my gastrointestinal specialist to keep up with my stomach issues. He said it may be PTSD related but most likely physical. He also saw the photos from my endoscopy and agreed my stomach is in perfect condition. It’s great he wants to cover all bases. A great pdoc around, and a good human being. I am very lucky to have him.

The rain is clearing after five days. Nice to see the sun again. It’s still cold during the day. Well for me it is. 12’C. When I was in England for four months from winter to early spring 12’C was t-shirt weather after a near freezing, long, dark winter. Here everyone is fully dressed with scarves. Guess it’s all relative.

[~Christina]

Got papers from Social security today for a review of my SSDI. Oh joy I love filling out paperwork. I don’t stress over it. My T, Pdoc, GP and any IP stays I have in the last 3 years will be listed and as last time I’ll get a letter 30-45 days later saying no further action is needed at this time and life continues.

[Pookyl]

Feel like rubbish. This is the lowest I’ve been in years. I’m used to mania and mixed/manic.

[Blueberrybook]

Fibromyalgia flare today Wish I hadn't gotten out of bed. I just hurt and am so, so tired, lots of brain fog. This day pretty much sucks

[tecomsin]

I usually get kind of down after I've been to the cancer centre. Yesterday was tough because they did not have the results of my scan so my trip to see my oncologist was pointless. Now I am waiting for them to call me with the results but don't know when they will do that so it is just a waiting game. I can't seem to get the worry my cancer might return out of my mind.

[wildflowerchild25]

Still stressing over the move and my classes. I ****ed up one of my assignments because i didn’t understand it and it was too late to ask for clarification. This is what I get for procrastinating. I’m trying not to procrastinate on my final projects but it’s hard. I hate doing work because I’m always so nervous that I’m going to mess it up.

I’m excited to move though. Ten days! RS has been staying over every night this week. I love him so much! It’s so great sleeping next to him after sleeping by myself for so many years. I compare him to my husband a lot (in my mind) and even though my husband is and always will be my first love, RS is just better to get along with. My husband was angry and paranoid at times and we would fight viciously, especially when I was sick. It started when I went to college and was living there, so about one year into our relationship. I hope RS doesn’t turn out to be the same. But he just doesn’t seem to have the anger that my husband always did. So I hope it will be better.

Speaking of paranoid, I’ve been a lot more anxious lately. On Sunday night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried that I was going to wake up and find someone (either RS or my son or my mom) dead. I guess that’s actually pretty normal given what I went through with my husband. And the fact that my cousin just died the same way, and my mother in law found her. I’m sure that might have triggered the feelings of doom. I’ve also been anxious that RS is annoyed with me. Not that he doesn’t love me or anything, just that he thinks I’m lazy.

I lowered my haldol to 5mg to stretch it out because my pdoc wrote the prescription wrong. She only wrote me 90 5mg pills instead of 180. But I think that is contributing to my anxiety. I’m going to call the office today and see if I can get her to rewrite the script. It takes awhile to get her to respond though because I can’t leave a message directly for her, I have to leave one on the prescription line. The administrative staff at the office can’t be bothered to do their jobs so it takes days usually to fix a prescription error. I have enough haldol to take ten mg for 45 days so I have time. Hopefully I can get it straightened out.

I'm angry at my husband! As a good wife, I checked with him about an idea to have my dad, brother, sister, and maybe nephew over this weekend for Father's Day. As usual, he vetoed the idea. He never thinks we have enough room FOR 3 or 4 of my closest family members to come for one meal and then go home?!?!?! That is ridiculous! We have had his Czech friends and relatives many times. It was only about two years ago that we had his old friend's husband and two daughters over for 7 days in a row, with them sleeping in our house and me cooking all of their meals. They even wanted sandwiches to take with them for their NYC day trips. Then we've had his eldest sister, her husband, and their two adult children once for about five days over a Christmas holiday. Not enough room? We even had a huge Christmas tree up in our living room and it was cold as heck outside without the option to go on our deck, like there is now. Not enough room? And my siblings are a lot friendlier than his eldest sister, her husband, and their adult children who criticize all of the time. That old friend's husband wasn't that pleasant, either, and his daughters refused to speak. Instead, he tells me "Invite your dad only, or with your brother. Have your sister and nephew some other time." This seems so mean, to me. You know that my sister finds out that I have my dad and brother over frequently without her being invited. She doesn't say anything, but I think that's crumby of us.

I love my husband, but he can sometimes be controlling. If he doesn't give on this, I will refuse to host any more of his Czech friends and family beyond 1 guest. It was only last summer that we had one of his other Czech nephews and his Brazilian girlfriend for about six days, and at that time I was having severe toothaches that eventually led to root canals in both of my front top teeth. Luckily, they are rather pleasant people, but didn't exactly offer to help with any dishes, or anything else. I cooked a lot of nice dinners for all of these Czechs. All I said I wanted for this weekend were some hamburgers, hot dogs and kielbasa on the grill with simple side salads. Unlike his guests, my family members bring side dishes and dessert.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Got papers from Social security today for a review of my SSDI. Oh joy I love filling out paperwork. I don’t stress over it. My T, Pdoc, GP and any IP stays I have in the last 3 years will be listed and as last time I’ll get a letter 30-45 days later saying no further action is needed at this time and life continues.

I got papers fron SSDI too. It's just a few questions about doctors.

My husband decided he needed to piss me off even more. After I responded to his veto to having my family over for Father's Day, he wrote this:

"Baby, don’t get angry. No, our house wasn’t big enough for any of the Czechs (obnoxious or mute) and it was a mistake to let them stay with us. So, we learned the hard way. Now we have a choice, and I don’t see the need for having so many people at the same time. All of whom are people with psychiatric issues."

He'd kill me if he knew I shared this!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Got papers from Social security today for a review of my SSDI. Oh joy I love filling out paperwork. I don’t stress over it. My T, Pdoc, GP and any IP stays I have in the last 3 years will be listed and as last time I’ll get a letter 30-45 days later saying no further action is needed at this time and life continues.

I got papers recently as well. It was one sheet asking my diagnosis and the last date I saw a doctor. I turned it in and they said nothing further needed at this time. I hope yours goes as smoothly.

[sadveiledbride]

Woke up recently and am doing ok, not much has happened obviously since I just woke up.