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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 05:58 PM
  #801
I spent the day hanging out with my friend, had so much fun. It's been like 3 or more months since I've hung out with anybody

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 06:16 PM
  #802
I'm watching Dr. Katz. I wish I had more seasons on DVD.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 06:19 PM
  #803
I went to the dentist to get a temporary filling after a root canal replaced and wound up with that done plus another tooth filled and a third filling that was done incorrectly fixed. I've had so much dental work this last 6 months since starting at this dentist; I'm going to run out of teeth soon.

But I'm so glad to have access to good dental care and the problems are just the result of too many years on too many psych meds. There are worse side effects.

Now I'm relaxing and making a shopping list for tomorrow.

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Default Jun 18, 2019 at 09:30 PM
  #804
Just found out that the place I'm volunteering at isn't just in the neighbourhood but is literally next door to where I used to live when I was 13/14. I have a lot of bad memories of that place that all seemed to come back as soon as I seen the image on Google maps. I feel afraid of going now but also silly that I let it have such a hold on me.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 12:28 AM
  #805
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsSunflower View Post
Just found out that the place I'm volunteering at isn't just in the neighbourhood but is literally next door to where I used to live when I was 13/14. I have a lot of bad memories of that place that all seemed to come back as soon as I seen the image on Google maps. I feel afraid of going now but also silly that I let it have such a hold on me.
Hi! Your reaction is not silly at all. I have locations like that in my city. Some I cannot get closer than a square mile radius of, others are difficult the first few times then I’m ok. Maybe try a drive by before the event and see how you feel. Take care.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 12:42 AM
  #806
Had a few ptsd issues pop up today. So not fun ! Unfortunately this Trigger pops up in many movies. So I fled the room and immediately pulled up videos of Tucker Budzen.

He’s a golden retriever and gorgeous and the videos are hilarious, if you have never heard of him please look him up on YouTube , you will find him adorable and hilarious and if you don’t you might lack a soul lol

Anyway I muddled through the worst of the trigger but I’m glad that I see my T tomorrow, I need some reassurance on a couple things that can occasionally cloud my vision.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 12:43 AM
  #807
After a massive trigger on Monday I have been filled with an increasing rage. While there are so many things in my past to be angry at this rage is no longer attached to any particular thing. It is taking all my strength to contain it.

Thankfully I saw my T today and we discussed stopping the trauma therapy as I feel one step away from psychosis. My brain is losing grip. We also discussed coping strategies, and how my rage is totally valid. We agreed exercise is the best thing but with my sore hip I’m restricted. Hopefully my Physio will clear me for light swimming in a pool tomorrow.

My T also wants me to try and get an appointment with my pdoc ASAP. I saw him last week and he was booked out for five weeks so I’m not sure how that will go. This is because I found low dose Seroquel was a great punch out on Monday night. My mind calmed down. I don’t have much left, hence the need.
My T seemed calm but concerned. Several times in the past trauma has driven me to, or over, the edge of sanity. I’m scared because I know what my mind is doing and I’ve been there before.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 07:36 AM
  #808
My pdoc upped my dose of bupropion (Wellbutrin) to 300mg because it seems to be working.

I'm feeling better now that I'm 4 weeks into the 150mg dose and hoping for more improvement at 300mg.

Overall I'm still depressed but I'm getting by. I'm focusing on what's good in my life. I had a job interview that went well. My son is visiting. The Raptors won the NBA championship. The weather is getting better and I hope I can get the motivation to get into the garden and catch up on things I left undone last year.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 11:37 AM
  #809
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
Had a few ptsd issues pop up today. So not fun ! Unfortunately this Trigger pops up in many movies. So I fled the room and immediately pulled up videos of Tucker Budzen.

He’s a golden retriever and gorgeous and the videos are hilarious, if you have never heard of him please look him up on YouTube , you will find him adorable and hilarious and if you don’t you might lack a soul lol

Anyway I muddled through the worst of the trigger but I’m glad that I see my T tomorrow, I need some reassurance on a couple things that can occasionally cloud my vision.

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I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you are seeing your T soon.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 12:00 PM
  #810
Speaking of ptsd, i have some memories that ive rarely to never brought up. When I have, my counselor has said its no big deal if its not directly affecting my life but they are still hanging around yk? Ps I dont have ptsd.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #811
I have comparatively low spirits today. I use the word "spirits" and not depression. I know everyone on this earth has such low spirit days.

Sometimes I chug along enjoying a lot of what I do. Then occasionally I feel a little trapped. I want to do something more, especially more in terms of contributing to the household income, but I don't know what to do. Also, so often my ideas are shot down by my husband. He doesn't mean harm, but I do get frustrated. When I fight him on such things, he almost (or does) start to cry in agony saying how much he hates his job and feels imprisoned by it, and that I'm not supporting him enough. He really wants to runaway (with me), but we don't have any firm plans on what to do, where to go, and how to make a go of it. The ideas there are (mostly all his) seem so stressful to me, or like a gamble. He's forcing his ideas on me again. His quasi dreams. And during this time before any action, only I am making superficial moves to help make his dream come true. I'm taking such steps to appease him. I'm hating it! Because of that, I'm failing.

I love my husband so so much and would never want to be without him, and hate to see him hurt. If I didn't care anymore, it would easy for me to just tell him to go his way and that I'd go mine. Having been on disability for so long, and putting a strain on a lifestyle (and ability for choices), I do feel guilty. If I didn't want to be with him as much, I swear that I'd give him everything I have and move on to start by scratch. Yes, I'd be quite poor, financially, but I would have a bit more independence.

My husband has always been more of the alpha person in our marriage. That doesn't mean I wasn't a strong, independent, assertive, and adventurous type before him and in our early years together. But my illness really dragged me down in so many ways. I lost a lot of the independence and an ability to support him, as he's needed.

We were and currently still are on my home turf, for the most part. Yet I'm a bit chained within my own backyard. If we move far away to his home continent, I fear I'll be such a fish totally out of water, hanging on to him for dear life. And if he were to ever leave me behind there, I wonder what I'd do. Years may pass and my roots at home may thin or even disappear.

It was only about 9 months ago, during a visit with my brother, that out of the blue he said something like "You know, BirdDancer, if ever it comes to it, I would take care of you." That immediately struck me! It was a loving and caring statement, but one that made me feel scared, weak and a little pathetic. As a young woman, I never felt I needed to be cared for. I traveled around the world by myself, paid my own way, and rarely ever flinched with fear. What has happened to me?!?!

Maybe I underestimate myself. What can I do to strengthen my foundation further? I have made good progress over the years since my mental traumas, but I'm far from being able to run a 5K in life.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; Jun 19, 2019 at 02:52 PM..
 
 
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 05:48 PM
  #812
Tired beyond tired today. Feeling cold so had to put on socks and sweater. We keep our thermostat at 75F and lose cold air from lack of good insulation. A bit down as I was feeling more like myself yesterday. I know the improvement is expected to be gradual, but when you backpedal, it is depessing

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #813
Letting the depression win a bit today, like an enveloping soft and familiar friend. Kitty is well looked after, and I did housekeeping basics and a couple of loads of laundry. But I allowed myself 5 cups of tea, two beyond my usual maximum. And I found yesterday's clothes a bit too comfortable to get out of to have a bath, so I'm not having one.

I'm just too tired to fight the good fight today, I did the important stuff. I'm just letting the fog roll in, just for today.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 06:42 PM
  #814
I emailed my pdoc yesterday to try and get my appointment moved sooner as it was in a months time. My T urged me to do this. After explaining the rage I’m feeling and how I am at breaking point my pdoc got his team to call me within a few hours. I now have an appointment for tomorrow. I am so thankful he was able to squeeze me in so soon. I really don’t want to go IP again.

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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 08:18 PM
  #815
That's awesome news Wander. Glad you have such an understanding doctor. Mine has squeezed me in to see him on occasion. Definitely helped keep me out of the hospital too.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 08:36 PM
  #816
Back to feeling normal after last weeks sui week. I took Epilim for 6 days and then stopped as the ‘I could eat non-stop’ started. I’m also back on immediate release Seroquel. I saw pdoc yesterday. She’s ok that I’ve stopped taking the Epilim. Not 100% happy but ok.

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Red face Jun 19, 2019 at 09:09 PM
  #817
Drinking mikes hard lemonade black cherry after going to an AA meeting, how f****** up is that?
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 09:24 PM
  #818
Feeling very irritated and depressive. I got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep today. Wishing I could sleep more but am trying not to delude myself for not being able to. Angry about an appointment I have tomorrow. Angry and disappointed with myself.
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Default Jun 19, 2019 at 11:14 PM
  #819
The ptsd will always be a part of my life and I’ll just have to roll with it and try to avoid movies that have guns in them , yeah that honestly is very hard to do nowadays .... I am so furious that I brought a friend from PC into my home and her actions will cause me pure hell at times the rest of my life.

My T and I talked it out.... So I feel back on firmer ground again ... well until the next time.

Things could always be worse.

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Default Jun 20, 2019 at 01:04 AM
  #820
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Originally Posted by bizi View Post
Drinking mikes hard lemonade black cherry after going to an AA meeting, how f****** up is that?
bizi


Awww Bizi don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day hun

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