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Wander
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:12 AM
  #961
Saw my T today. He is worried about my rapid decline over the last two days. My anxiety is unbearable and rage inconsumable. Seroquel helps but I can’t function on it so can only have it in the evenings. Saying that I’m struggling to function well anyway.

Last night a trigger sent me into a spin. I was at my parents but had to run out the door to escape the trigger. After a rage-filled dangerous drive I got to my partners flat. He calmed me down enough to go back to my parents where dinner was waiting.

Today I am no better. After nearly an hour of trying not to tell my T I told him I was at breaking point. I am doing every single self care thing; exercise, meditation, healthy eating, trying to keep good sleeping patterns, journaling, distraction etc. Yet, over the last two days I’ve began to lose my mind due to the intense anxiety and crazy thoughts. My thoughts are slipping...

My T suggested hospital if I don’t pull up out of this nosedive but I told him I refuse to be trapped in there. He knows me well enough to know that but to also know I’m in trouble. My partner is to stay with me this week and I am to text my T tomorrow and let him know how I am. I won’t say worse as I know he will try to get me IP. Hopefully I won’t have to lie. Right now I feel sick. This is way too much stress.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:28 AM
  #962
Ugh, woke up at 2:30 AM with horrible insomnia, hot then cold then hot (iron related, hormones, anxiety,who knows?, body seems crazy these days). I don't think I remembered to take my calcium/magnesium last night, and that combo (the magnesium especially) tends to help with my restless leg syndrome, the calcium a bit with relaxing muscles. So I had restless legs too. But I wasn't sure if I'd taken the magnesium, and since too much of it has a laxative effect (at least on me), I decided to forgo it. The trade-off was only 3.5 hr. sleep though...

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:41 AM
  #963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wander View Post
Saw my T today. He is worried about my rapid decline over the last two days. My anxiety is unbearable and rage inconsumable. Seroquel helps but I can’t function on it so can only have it in the evenings. Saying that I’m struggling to function well anyway.


Last night a trigger sent me into a spin. I was at my parents but had to run out the door to escape the trigger. After a rage-filled dangerous drive I got to my partners flat. He calmed me down enough to go back to my parents where dinner was waiting.


Today I am no better. After nearly an hour of trying not to tell my T I told him I was at breaking point. I am doing every single self care thing; exercise, meditation, healthy eating, trying to keep good sleeping patterns, journaling, distraction etc. Yet, over the last two days I’ve began to lose my mind due to the intense anxiety and crazy thoughts. My thoughts are slipping...


My T suggested hospital if I don’t pull up out of this nosedive but I told him I refuse to be trapped in there. He knows me well enough to know that but to also know I’m in trouble. My partner is to stay with me this week and I am to text my T tomorrow and let him know how I am. I won’t say worse as I know he will try to get me IP. Hopefully I won’t have to lie. Right now I feel sick. This is way too much stress.


I am so sorry your just stuck in the unrelenting hell of ptsd. I hope with your partner staying you can start to break the cycle.

As much as IP can suck at times there is a time and place for it. We must keep our selves safe.

Stay safe

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 04:45 AM
  #964
Going to my clinic today to meet with my social worker to talk about things. Not entirely sure I'm in the mood to chat about things, but it gets me out and maybe I can learn something? I always find those meetings so.... Confronting I guess? I don't mind talking about my head problems, but when it comes down to the gross life problems I'm just not into it.

I cleaned the bedroom today and did a lot of laundry, so if this meeting is a waste, at least I did something that I've been putting off? Laundry baskets are empty and the bedroom doesn't look like a dorm, go meeeee.

Mood wise, I feel ugly as usual (didn't share that in my last check ins) , but I'm working on it. I am trying to dress nicely and wear more fitting things, to get myself to feel attractive. I'm not depressed or anything, but ever since I lost my weight I feel worse off? My partner says I look great, but when I look in the mirror I don't see that, and I see all of that skin that's becoming loose and I feel just gross. I wish I could see myself how other people see me.

Small things I think, but in general I'm still okay!

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:03 AM
  #965
I had yet another dream about being hospitalized against my will and being unable to contact RS to let him know. This time I escaped to ward by running through the doors as someone was coming in but they caught me later on because obviously I had nowhere to go and no way to get anywhere. They physically restrained me and carried me back to the ward. I don’t like these dreams. They disturb me all day. Not sure why I’m having so many right now. Maybe I’m stressed out about something. I’m definitely stressed out about school. I don’t know. I hope they stop soon.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #966
On top of the difficulties I am having with my 'friend', I found out yesterday from my sister than my estranged father is dying of pancreatic cancer. He's in the hospital and the friend who took him there called his ex-wife, who then called my sister, which is how I found out about it.

This friend then called my sister from the hospital line and she talked for the first time in years to my father on the phone. I called him later. it was the first time in a long time I spoke with him.

I found out from my sister that my father is being hugely insulting to non-white hospital staff who are caring from him. She heard this from my Dad's friend who called her on the hospital line. My father is a terrible racist.

Neither me nor my sister is going to see him but my sister's husband is flying there today to help him arrange hospice. He wants hospice at home rather than in a facility.

I felt a momentary sense of release and relief yesterday when i found out he was going to be dead soon, that he would no . longer be a part of my walk on this earth.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #967
Sending hugs to everyone who needs them.

My husband has been really stressed because of work, so I convinced him to take a little vacation to get a break. He needed that push and is now excited about it.

Hubby discovered that someone stole our credit card number and started using it for multiple Netflix purchases. Hubby had to cancel that card, so we will get a replacement. I guess it could have been far worse. The thing is, who stole it. You wonder whether it was someone we have some level of interaction with or not.

The weather is gorgeous out. I want to do some weeding and eat lunch outside.
 
 
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 11:45 AM
  #968
Hugs to Christine and WC and everybody else!

I'm home cleaning today. Dunno what else to do- my friend won't be around. I'm doing laundry and sweeping and mopping the kitchen. Dishes are done. Etc. Slightly sore from yesterday's long walk.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 11:59 AM
  #969
Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
I had yet another dream about being hospitalized against my will and being unable to contact RS to let him know. This time I escaped to ward by running through the doors as someone was coming in but they caught me later on because obviously I had nowhere to go and no way to get anywhere. They physically restrained me and carried me back to the ward. I don’t like these dreams. They disturb me all day. Not sure why I’m having so many right now. Maybe I’m stressed out about something. I’m definitely stressed out about school. I don’t know. I hope they stop soon.
I hate dreams like that, tells me I'm still afraid the BP is in control and no med, no amount of time will temper it.

Hugs and baklava to everyone.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:02 PM
  #970
I have been very depressed lately, up and down on mood. It gets better in the afternoon. So to help myself, I decided to get an antique pistol. It is hand engraved and assembled. It is a part of history that I enjoy thinking about.

Possible trigger:

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #971
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I hate dreams like that, tells me I'm still afraid the BP is in control and no med, no amount of time will temper it.

Hugs and baklava to everyone.
I think I’m afraid of BP taking over and losing RS over it. I still believe that my illness sent me husband over the edge and caused his drug addiction which ultimately killed him.

In the dream before this one, I was violent and hurt a stranger just because she was rude to me. I get those dreams often too. I think that’s a fear of loss of control for me.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 05:06 PM
  #972
I just found out that my eldest son might end up staying for most of the summer! That's fantastic because I miss him so much when he's away. We're planning some weekend outings now.

Also a Starbucks opened really close to where I work. There was one I went to before but it was a 10 min walk there but this one is on the same property. There goes my retirement savings

I'm feeling ok. I saw my pdoc yesterday and she agrees that I have a way to go to get out off this depression I'm in. She says I'm doing all the right things with my books, sleep, continuing to work, walking.

It's really a matter of getting the right med combo. She has hopes that things continue to improve with the Wellbutrin. We might increase the dose again in 3 weeks if I'm still depressed by then. I can live with that. At least there's a plan.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:02 PM
  #973
Couldn't fall asleep until very late. I am feeling sad and regretful.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 06:44 PM
  #974
My T told me today that my insurance only pays her $6.86 plus my copay and she can’t afford to take that kind of loss so she can only see me once a month. I’ll need to find another T. It’s a shame because I’ve had some great breakthroughs with her in the short time I’ve seen her.

Having very dark thoughts today. I’ll be okay. I talked it over with a good friend and it’s at a manageable level. I do get tired of the frequent struggle. I’ll talk it over with my NP next week.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:17 PM
  #975
I think I might be mixed. I want to indulge, I'm getting paranoid, I also want really dark things that I can't have. I'm spinning out of control silently. I don't have the words to explain what's going on. I feel dangerous but I'm safe.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 09:56 PM
  #976
BirdDancer.... we had someone get a hold of our credit card last year, we suspect it was a skimmer at a gas station last year on a trip to Florida. . It’s such a pain to contact them and file the claim then wait for a new card. Have you and your husband decided on what to do for your mini vacation?

Tecomsin I’m sorry that your dealing with losing a Father you have been estranged from. It’s good that someone is able to go and get things set up so you and your sister aren’t saddled with the job.

Wild... it’s awful that you have this recurring dream, so disturbing for you. I’m honestly thinking that just the stress of work, school deadlines and making this move all at the same time has you just overstressed which is bringing on the nightmare, again. I am so happy that you have found love again and now have your own place to make memories at. Hope you have only good dreams now

Tucson.. oh the unrelenting depression that you just can’t shake off it just plain sucks. I hope that your purchase will indeed perk you up

Scooter...that’s great news your son will be around!!! Enjoy every minute.

Jeniffer.... this is terrible, insurance just holds us and providers all hostage! I hate that you have to find a new T when you were making progress with your current one. I hope that can find a new one that you “ click” with right away.

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:02 PM
  #977
IP again. Since Sunday. I don’t think it will be a long stay but there are some med adjustments so I’m not sure.
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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  #978
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
I think I might be mixed. I want to indulge, I'm getting paranoid, I also want really dark things that I can't have. I'm spinning out of control silently. I don't have the words to explain what's going on. I feel dangerous but I'm safe.


Are you taking your AP as prescribed? What do you have to use as a PRN?

Stay safe

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:29 PM
  #979
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Originally Posted by GoldenSnitch View Post
IP again. Since Sunday. I don’t think it will be a long stay but there are some med adjustments so I’m not sure.


I hope your able to get the help you need and it be a quick turnaround

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Default Jun 26, 2019 at 10:48 PM
  #980
One of my least favorite symptoms of whatever mixing pot of issues I have is cognitive. Hormones certain times of the month make this worse, and it will make me feel forgetful, spacey, have difficulty with executive function, am more prone to errors, clumsiness. I also had a mini breakdown at my friend's wedding last weekend, unrelated to hormones, but hid it so as not take the attention away from the bride and groom. That was from stress/lack of sleep I guess. I get in these weird, dysphoric moods where I am sad and scared and feel hopeless all at once and I barely recognize myself. I have entertained that maybe it's a personality disorder, a sign of emotional regulation issues, but it feels very separate from my identity and personality at the same time. There are many times I do not react strongly to situations, in fact I was the calmest of my parents and sister growing up and helped everyone else regulate their emotions. I will just keep working on things in therapy I guess.

Other than that I am doing alright, my SO is visiting soon (we are in a long distance relationship) so that will be nice. We might go somewhere next weekend.
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