If it’s NOT bipolar, what the heck is it?

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years. About 14 years ago, he started having mood swings’s where he would get very angry and irrational, but it only happened five times a year approximately. The anger usually lasts an hour or less, but it takes him two days usually to recover and be back to his normal self. It wasn’t pleasant, but I could live with it, because the rest of the time, he was my best friend, a loving father, and an all-around good person. Problem is, since last summer, he’s had so many of these episodes, I’ve lost count, and he never seems to go back to “normal” completely. When his mood takes a sudden downward turn, it’s like he is a different person. He gets a wild look in his eyes and explodes with anger. He becomes very selfish and arrogant. These mood swings have obvious triggers: usually too much alcohol or sickness in the family or a crisis situation or a time of great stress. In this mode, he is not his rational self and there is no hope of making him see reason. My best bet is to avoid him completely or at least avoid arguing with him. His anger is over-the-top and unwarranted for the given situation. He seems out of control, but he is never violent. This mode can last for several minutes or even a full day, but usually a couple hours.

This is the pattern that I have observed, which usually takes place over a two- to three-day period: He is angry, explosive, irrational. ➡️ He either sleeps or removes himself from the house. ➡️ He offers a false apology. ➡️ He continues to act angry with me and in a bad mood. ➡️ He transitions from angry to depressed (usually accompanied by joking comments to me even though we aren’t on good terms at this point). ➡️ He becomes depressed and moody. ➡️ When I confront him, he tries to rationalize his behavior to me. ➡️ Finally, he offers a genuine, heartfelt apology. ➡️ He is usually still a little prickly for a few days after this apology. ➡️ We get back to our normal. (But as I said, it seems much harder for us to return to normal.)

In between these angry outbursts, he seems pretty depressed over all. When he does not seem depressed, it’s usually because he is very busy or he is focused on a project. I’ve also noticed he has periods of poor sleep in which he tends to get a lot done. Other times, he sleeps too much, going to bed early and waking up late.

I gave him an ultimatum to see a psychiatrist, as I was concerned that the Wellbutrin and Lexapro he was on, in addition to Adderall, could be part of the problem. On first meeting with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist said he did not think my husband was bipolar because he does not experience the kinds of highs associated with mania. I’m really not sure he’s right. I guess I’ve been banking on bipolar as the diagnosis he would get. His brother is bipolar, and his dad is bipolar. My brother is also bipolar, so I’m familiar with the symptoms, and while my husband‘s are not the same, they are very similar. I just want to make sure he gets the right diagnosis and treatment. I can’t live with him like this forever. He’s so irritable and his mood changes so quickly, it truly is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I never know which one I’m going to get, and it’s just not sustainable to keep living with him like this. I love him and I want to help him, but I’m at a loss. Thank you for reading.

Hi Lalaladida7. I am sorry you have difficult situations with your husband.

I am not a medical professional and would not venture saying what he might be suffering from but I have heard mania can also be not sleeping, extreme productivity and irritability.

These articles may be of interest.

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms, Types & Diagnosis | Psych Central

Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

Coping With Bipolar Disorder

so sorry to hear that you are going through this rough patch with your husband. glad that you reached out to us here at PC. I see that your husband is on 3 meds already. was he diagnosed with GAD? I ask only because I was diagnosed with that as well and put on zoloft and paxil a long time ago. but my manias and depression were still very prevalent for many years before I was diagnosed bipolar. I had just about all the same behaviors and episodes. I am not a medical MH psychiatrist or mental health therapist. I could never begin to try and diagnose someone here, and his situation may be indicative of something else, but have you thought about perhaps getting a second opinion? sending positive thoughts and hugs. I wish you and your husband all the best.

Could be a personality disorder maybe? tends to have rapid mood swings with identifiable triggers

Thank you for your responses. I have a really hard time believing it’s a personality disorder, because he’s not manipulative. I’ve had a couple friends that were borderline and I feel like now I can spot someone borderline from a mile away! It would be pretty ironic if my husband were borderline. I also looked up narcissistic, and to be honest, my husband does seem like this, when his mood takes a downward turn, but when he’s just his normal self, he’s very sweet and compassionate. He’ll stop to help someone jump their car or help an old lady through a parking lot. He’s a teacher and always willing to go the extra mile for his students. Also, my husband’s best friend is a psychiatrist, and I just feel like he would’ve recognized these traits in him long ago. It really does seem like his personality drastically changes when he has these mood swings, and I’m one of the few people to ever see one of his mood swings. I think a lot of people would be shocked by his behavior. I wish I could get him on video, so he could see it for himself what he’s like.

He’s been diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and anxiety. I don’t feel that any of these things explain his mood swings!

Has he seen a therapist? Maybe they could help get to the bottom of the mood swings since you said there seem to be triggers. And there are therapies that could maybe help with what you describe depending on the cause, such as DBT. From what you are saying bipolar does not jump out at me, but I am not really qualified to say one way or another. Did the mood swings get worse since the Lexapro/Adderall? I will say both of those made me quite irritable and the lexapro put me in a mixed episode. Maybe you could also look into therapy for yourself or couples therapy, too. I am sure this is tough for you.

We are in couples therapy and I want him to commit to doing cognitive behavioral therapy.

CBT really helps many people, it's done wonders for me, but I wonder about his true diagnosis. if he commits, I hope it is a step in the right direction for you both. please keep us posted. best wishes.

So I spent all of last night reading about different personality disorders, and the only one that comes close to fitting is borderline, BUT he doesn’t have a trail of damaged relationships in his past. He’s maintained relationships with his two best friends for 26 years! He’s never transparently manipulative either. It just doesn’t seem to fit. Maybe there just isn’t a good category for him? But what is it that is happening to him when I look into his eyes and don’t see my husband in there anymore?

Im thinking it could be the alcohol consumption. This rings a bell while no bipolar bells have rung, reading your posts.

Alcohol can be a trigger but he is often not drinking when it happens. While I would call him a “problem drinker”, I don’t think he rises to the level of alcoholism. He may need to quit drinking because it is a trigger but it’s not the cause. He doesn’t seem to fit neatly in any category but his behavior is going to destroy the life we’ve built together if he doesn’t do something.

When youre an alcoholic its not just a matter of "drink-then-bad-things-happen".. They can be "mean drunks" even outside of having a glass in their hands at the moment. Maybe its just not there yet for your husband and you.
I included you as one entity because you seem to be going along with it just fine when what youve described can really do physical and mental and emotional damage. Its a matter of time. His behavior is dangerous and not good for anybody including you.

Well, the thing is, I’m not going along with it. I just refuse to be upset by it anymore. He has “a fit” and I tell him I’m sick of it, I won’t take any emotional abuse from him, he’s not making sense, and I won’t talk to him until he can be rational. I remind him not to act out in front of our kids or I will take them and leave. What else can I do? It’s so so frustrating. And I don’t deny drinking is a problem, I only disagree that it is THE problem.

Hi Lalaladida7. I feel for what you are going through. Your husband certainly does have something going on. However, it sounds like you are desperately seeking people's agreement with you on a bipolar diagnosis for your husband. I'm afraid all I can suggest is to maybe seek a second opinion for your husband. Is he willing to see a different psychiatrist? If a second psychiatrist is not sure, or doesn't believe your husband has bipolar disorder, you might want to get even more details why they think that.

Quitting alcohol would certainly help your husband. If for no other reason, it can make it easier for a psychiatrist to make a firmer diagnosis. It's possible that your husband is drinking more than you know. Hiding drinking is very common. He doesn't even have to look drunk to have alcohol in his system.

hi. go to 2 psychiatrists, get 3 opinions/diagnoses. true story.

they also tend to ignore how prescribed drugs affect people, unless they want to take them off of something. so a doctor might give your husband adderall, then a doctor who doesn't want him on adderall will blame it on the amphetamine. see what im saying here?

i think people use "personality disorders" to demonize some peope, and i think its turning into a modern day witch hunt. "he's a narcissist! narc!" or "oh, she's so crazy borderline! watch out!"

my personal advice...focus more on your husband and what he does that makes your marriage rough, less on labels, 'expert opinions,' etc. just my 2 cents. :-)

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Mock bipolar

Yes, I realize now I’ve been desperately seeking to label him because if I could label it, I could understand it. And if it could be labeled, it could be addressed and treated. I think I’m coming to terms with the reality that whatever is going on with him, he’s going to have a lot of hard work to do to get to a better place, and my fear is that he’ll refuse to do it. If he refuses to do it (go to therapy, quit drinking, etc.), then my 17-year marriage will be over. I can’t stick around to be emotionally abused, even if it’s not in front of the kids. I deserve better because everyone deserves better. No one should be treated like that. Fingers crossed that he does the hard work, because he loves me and the kids enough to do it. I can’t imagine ever being married to another man.

Thanks for helping me work this out on your board. I really appreciate all of your thoughtful responses.

I think people with adhd can have mood swings and outbursts. Is the person who has prescribed his medications aware of all of his symptoms? Have you been able to talk to your husband about how his behavior affects you and the relationship?