I keep fighting with myself

Last night, I fought with myself to take my meds. I don't know why I ALWAYS fight with myself so much over med compliance. I ultimately took them at midnight rather than at 7pm, but I put up a long fight. I think this particular time it was laziness. Like, "who cares? It's not gonna hurt to miss a dose." But once I get in that "who cares?" mode, I start doing the same thing the next day, and the next day after that... and it keeps going and going and going. That's not the case every time, though.

I don't know how to make myself stay compliant. I already want off the buspar because it's an added med and I'm still anxious as f*** anyways. It's helping, but not all that much. I also don't want to take a benzo. I've always refused my klonopin and Ativan. I'd rather live with my anxiety than have my pdoc tell me what I "need" to take.

I know the psychosis will come back if I stop my meds again, but it's like I don't care unless it comes back.

I had major issues with med compliance for awhile. What meds are you on? Is it possible to get a monthly injection like invega sustenna, abilify, risperdal, etc? I was on a shot for 5 years and it really helped me come to terms with taking meds, that way I couldn't randomly stop them like I did several times which of course messed with my stability. I take pills now and have some days where I don't want to take them, but it's a lot better than it was. My evening ones are particularly difficult for me because I know after I take them I'll fall asleep and I miss staying up all night like I used to. Can't pull all nighters anymore

Are you on a small dose of Buspar? I take 30 mg 2x a day for anxiety. I used to struggle with med compliance when I was first diagnosed. (and even presently to some degree) I can relate. I just told myself it was better than the alternative which was always full blown hypomania or depression. My moods were everywhere and I cycled rapidly. But I had my family, PDoc and Therapist to help me out. I believe that some side effects were a small price to pay. My PDoc won't give me any benzos because of the abuse epidemic here in NYS. Guess he's old school lol. Hope it all works out for you.

I look at my children and remember how their terrified little faces looked when I was in psychosis. It instantly gives me the strength to cope with the side effects and the unfortunate reality of taking meds. I will fight with all I have to never do that to them again. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

my children have also seen me during bad episodes. they've seen me self medicate with alcohol many times when I was extremely manic. I've done some things I'm not proud of in front of them. they are older now, but they know about my mental health diagnosis and now that they are more mature, they are more understanding. I think back to those days when off of my meds and that is all I need to stay on track and never miss a dose.

I hope they will understand one day. It is good your kids know and can try to make sense of it. Mine are still processing. They are doing well, but it has been almost 6 months and it still comes up from time to time. I was raging and violent at points before my husband called 911 for help. Their tiny minds had a lot to take in. I have them in therapy. Our appointment is today. I can't tell if it helps, but I want to keep trying.

fern46 and Jedi67, thanks for posting about this. I can say that it is similar with what I've put my husband through. If I were to quit meds and go bat **** crazy and in and out of the hospital again, it would torture him and definitely set me waaaaaaaaaaay back again, not just psychologically, but financially...or dead. I guess I can say that I eventually did find my bottom, which is unfortunately what some people have to reach to quit demonizing medications. Now I am very grateful for my medications and have reached a peace with them. However, I have also found a cocktail that I can live with. I have also reached a point of clarity of thinking to look at them realistically, seeing their benefits as way beyond their detriments.

My family lost my youngest nephew to bipolar disorder two years ago next month. He had quit his medications. He had a "honeymoon" period, but the illness came back with a vengeance and it overtook him like a tidal wave. He was not sufficiently medicated when he lost his life (just home from a 3-day too short hospitalization), nor had he been able to have the patience needed to find stability again. He would have eventually, I know.

I know we get on crappy med cocktails that make life seemingly just as miserable or even more miserable than times not on medication. That isn't acceptable! However, I have learned that the solution is not to give up cold turkey. You do have to fight, but do so while keeping yourself as protected as possible, not exposing a vulnerable underbelly.

Accepting a serious mental illness and its treatment was also very difficult for me. I rebelled. I suffered. I rebelled again. It overtook me again and again. I then had to accept. Part of the acceptance involved a period of grieving. But we can all get past the grief and move on in a healthy way. I had to do the same with alcohol. Alcohol's appeal is sort of like the appeal of hypomania or mania, too often romanticized, but if it becomes abuse or dangerous, it must be stopped.

wow, BirdDancer! you touched upon so many points that resonate with me. especially about hitting our own personal "bottoms" I experienced that many times and usually during moments when my meds weren't right or I had quit them cold turkey. it was so hard to admit I was helpless against BP and that I needed help from my meds. but what you said, BirdDancer, about the benefits outweighing the negatives is spot on! so true. it should be the mantra for so many people who experience doubts with their meds. thank you for that. I rebelled as well and sometimes I do presently (I mean who doesn't every now and then. it's in our DNA lol), but I just "flash backwards" and I am reminded about where I was without my meds and I thank my lucky stars, and my support team for where I am now. I know it isn't so tidy for many others but I hope we all can spread our experiences and help someone in doubt or crisis.

thanks for sharing, BirdDancer! (also, very sorry to hear about your nephew).

I'm pretty med compliant because I'm terrified of side effects I would have if I just stopped taking my meds cold turkey. Specifically the effexor and trileptal. But i often wonder what it would be like to just stop. I hate interrupting my day or night to take meds and hate that I'm so dependent on them to regulate my sleep and moods. But I just remind myself how chaotic my life was when I wasn't on a good cocktail and I don't want to go through that again.