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komodo1971
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 03:14 AM
  #1
So, some background; I was 3 when I was taken from my birth mother along with my brother and half brother. This was in 1974, so you can imagine that things were different then. My biological brother and I were placed in one children's home and my half brother in another since he is special needs. After a couple of years, I was placed in a foster home, my brother in another and my half brother was returned to our birth mother. I never saw them again until I was 30 or so.

In foster care, I was severely abused. Actually, I think the emotional, physical and other abuse that was going on there was actually worse than the neglect my birth mother exhibited, but then again; what do I know? This is where my PTSD developed.

I've been in foster care until I came of age and went off to university. Throughout my life, I've been having problems with my moods. I went to the united states, something that should have filled me with nothing but joy, but I really was too depressed to enjoy the experience. One of the few friends I had cynically remarked that I was clearly having a great time. And a couple of months later, I was convinced, and I mean convinced, that the Dutch secret service was after me. I saw people in the streets looking at me, people in cars looking at our house. It was a crazy time. I was about 18 then. And I started to hear voices. Nothing too strange, I just heard someone calling my name and ask me something but I never quite could make out what was said.

Anyways, during my graduate degree the problems with my mood started to escalate. I entered into depression with both vital and psychotic features and this lasted for years. I was started on medication, and it helped. I stopped medication when I felt stable again. BIG MISTAKE!

I have been drepessed off and on since then. And manic too, although I never thought something was wrong. Of course I was the most important person alive and of course I was a wizard capable of summoning demons. And, although I have some philosophy under my belt, of course the world was waiting for a book by me on the reasons the human species became the dominant species. And that I was denied access to the laboratory where I worked as a MSc student because I nearly blew up the lab, that was just a minor inconvenience. No, only the depression was a problem. Because I just couldn't work when depressed.

I got my MSc degree, and was working towards a PhD when the **** really hit the fan. I got into a physical fight with our lab technician and was denied access to the lab again. Suffice to say, I am not a PhD.

I got married. And at one time, when I was 40, my spouse remarked that it was unsafe for me to be out in the streets, I needed to go the hospital. Three times I have been hospitalized for what I now know were manic episodes. But, the pdoc thought I might have borderline.

Anyways, now, 8 years later, I have been diagnosed as bipolar type I, with psychotic features. My Psychiatrist thinks this may change to schizoaffective disorder but she started me on several meds, including seroquel, abilify and lithium. So, I'm hoping I stay calm and stable for now.

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Trig Jul 17, 2019 at 07:52 AM
  #2
welcome to the forum.

I hope you find a lot of support here

that is hard to here you were abused in foster care

I myself had a really abusive mother, and wished every day that she would just give me up and put me in to foster care (some of the stuff she did to me was unforgivable)

I often wondered if things would have been diffrent if I'd grown up with a diffrent family

but she " enjoyed" abusing me, often telling people that is why she was alive.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 08:36 AM
  #3
Hi komodo. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry it is a long and rough one. Based on the timeline you provided, I think you and I are the same age. It's a pity it took so long for you to get a proper diagnosis. I finally received mine when I was 32. I was still a bit immature back then. I've matured a lot these past 16 years. You certainly seem to have maturity and wisdom at this point, too. I'm sure that will help in your recovery.

I'm sorry you never received your PhD, but I still see you as having achieved a lot.

One of my great grandfather's had a similar childhood as you. His father was an alcoholic and managed to lose the family fortune. When his mother died, he was sent to a foster home. Two of his sisters were, too, but they were together. His youngest sister was adopted by a couple. They never saw the youngest sister again, but luckily my great grandfather did keep in touch with the others. His foster family treated him more like a worker than a son.
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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 04:34 PM
  #4
Welcome to PC and thank you for sharing your story. You seem like a very strong person who has fought through many struggles. Keep posting here as much as you want. This can be a very supportive community.

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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 04:47 PM
  #5
Welcome to PC. You have quite a background story and thank you for sharing.

You'll find you're not alone here. People here have various life experiences and are very supportive and helpful.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 01:49 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
welcome to the forum.

I hope you find a lot of support here

that is hard to here you were abused in foster care

Yes, foster care can be hard. Most people who've been in foster care don't have that experience though. I guess I was just unlucky.

Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I myself had a really abusive mother, and wished every day that she would just give me up and put me in to foster care (some of the stuff she did to me was unforgivable)

I often wondered if things would have been diffrent if I'd grown up with a diffrent family

but she " enjoyed" abusing me, often telling people that is why she was alive.

This is all just...heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you suffered so much at the hands of your own mother. You know, I also have often wondered if things would've been different had I been placed in another family or what not. And the truth is: it would've been different, but you don't know whether it would've been better or not.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 01:57 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
Hi komodo. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry it is a long and rough one. Based on the timeline you provided, I think you and I are the same age.

Based on what you write, I think so too.



Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
It's a pity it took so long for you to get a proper diagnosis. I finally received mine when I was 32. I was still a bit immature back then. I've matured a lot these past 16 years. You certainly seem to have maturity and wisdom at this point, too. I'm sure that will help in your recovery.

I still do stupid things from time to time, but I'm trying not to. I also think it is a pity it took so long to get a proper diagnosis, I think that if I was diagnosed earlier and treated accordingly, some things would've been different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
I'm sorry you never received your PhD, but I still see you as having achieved a lot.

So do I. But my career is slipping through my hands. That makes me anxious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
One of my great grandfather's had a similar childhood as you. His father was an alcoholic and managed to lose the family fortune. When his mother died, he was sent to a foster home. Two of his sisters were, too, but they were together. His youngest sister was adopted by a couple. They never saw the youngest sister again, but luckily my great grandfather did keep in touch with the others. His foster family treated him more like a worker than a son.

That's horrible. I have found my biological brother (about 20 years ago) and we're close now. Wel, not that close since he lives in Germany and I'm in the Netherlands, but still.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 04:21 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by komodo1971 View Post
Yes, foster care can be hard. Most people who've been in foster care don't have that experience though. I guess I was just unlucky.



This is all just...heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you suffered so much at the hands of your own mother. You know, I also have often wondered if things would've been different had I been placed in another family or what not. And the truth is: it would've been different, but you don't know whether it would've been better or not.


you should see if you can find any books by the author cathy glass

she's an english foster carer who writes about all the people she fosters
the stories can be a little hard to read (because they deal with difficult topics), however: most of the time they end happily

in fact one girl she fosters, lucy, ends up being adopted in to her family (she all ready has 2 children of her own)

I miss those books
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