Missing that high

Ellie_jo · May 07, 2019 at 10:49 AM

This past year has been the most stable I've been in my life. And let me tell you it is so BORING. I found some journal entries from before I was on the right meds and I can't even remember what it was like to feel everything that intensely. It's that time of the year when the sun comes out and drives me up higher and tricks me into thinking it's a great idea to stop all my meds and ride out that rollercoaster. I see a new pdoc next Monday. I don't know yet how much to tell her. Right now I have enough sanity left to know it's probably a good idea to be upfront but that itch just needs scratching. Ya dig?

Jedi67 · May 07, 2019 at 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellie_jo

This past year has been the most stable I've been in my life. And let me tell you it is so BORING. I found some journal entries from before I was on the right meds and I can't even remember what it was like to feel everything that intensely. It's that time of the year when the sun comes out and drives me up higher and tricks me into thinking it's a great idea to stop all my meds and ride out that rollercoaster. I see a new pdoc next Monday. I don't know yet how much to tell her. Right now I have enough sanity left to know it's probably a good idea to be upfront but that itch just needs scratching. Ya dig?

oh yeah, I dig. I get like that around the spring and summertime. just want to let loose and really start to feel and live. it isn't uncommon to want to get that feeling back after feeling so "normal" for a long time. In the past I've stopped taking my meds around the holidays and the summer. bad idea. I paid for it. I just went thru a mixed state episode with bad mood swings, and boy, did I "feel" that though lol. but, yeah, be totally honest with your pdoc and get your feelings across.

May 07, 2019 at 11:20 AM

I understand the allure of mania, but after years of major problems with it, I'm happy to kick that mental state out the door. Of course some mild little bit of hypomania is still nice, but there's a world of difference between mild hypomania and full blown mania with psychosis. As I aged, it also more often turned mixed, as well, which is hell.

I don't consider my life to be boring. I know how to have a good time while stable. Plus, fun while stable has significantly fewer (or no) negative ramifications.

I suggest you try to practice and seek fun during stability. Fun is made, not served to people on a silver platter.

May 07, 2019 at 12:25 PM

I completely understand, I myself haven't gotten to the point of being okay with resisting that urge, but I can resist it and that's what counts. You can resist it too

Ellie_jo · May 07, 2019 at 03:07 PM

Yeah I should know better. I definitely have a pattern. Summer gets me manic and I end the season by jumping into an impulsive relationship that's no good for me. Then I spiral into a bad place mentally. My therapist told me to date myself for a while and i think that's a great idea. I can have fun on my own terms and stay stable. Still, it's tempting...

May 07, 2019 at 10:14 PM

I miss the high too. I get beautiful euphoric hypomanias, sometimes with relatively minor negative impacts. At this time of year i am usually well into a Spring hypomania. But this year, with the Spring so late, i haven't got it. I really miss it. I was looking forward to it and counting on it. I'm so sick of feeling down and exhausted.

That's cute that your doctor said to "date yourself"! I've jumped into many an impulsive relationship too, always to my regret. I've managed to resist in recent years and i'm so glad to have put that behavior behind me.

Pookyl · May 07, 2019 at 10:57 PM

I used to live for the highs but found living on the edge eventually became too risky. I now get satisfaction out of radical hair colour changes, nail colour, a tattoo etc

Wander · May 08, 2019 at 01:29 AM

Oh, I miss hypomania too. Pure ,mild to moderate, hypomania that is. No mania, and no mixed states. Just the amazing euphoria, flight of ideas, ability to achieve goals quickly (or at least when mild), super-sociable, charismatic, mostly functional but still able to not cause major damage. That, I miss. It's the Craziness that often follows that I hate, and will avoid at any costs.

This means I try to avoid hypomania as it usually leads to a severe mixed state, mania, and psychosis sometimes. I have come too close to death to risk that again.

BipolaRNurse · May 08, 2019 at 02:15 AM

I've noticed a similar absence of oomph this spring. No March Madness, no April or May hypomania (at least not yet). I think this is the first spring I haven't had the slightest hint of mania, and while I miss the euphoria I'm not at all tempted to go off my meds like I have in the past. Several of them have been adjusted over the last year and I think I've finally got them right. Hurray!

Underdevelopment · May 08, 2019 at 04:59 AM

I think it's a taste of unreality. There's no doubt it's addictive in that we find out the fun side of our uninhibited selves. That's what I miss. Somewhere between the low side of "normal" and manic is the real me. I wish I could stay there. Unfortunately the only way to get there is on the way up. Damage at Manic, crash afterward...sometimes it seems worth the risk. Then I look at my life, my age, the only way I've got a chance of living to a semi decent age is watering the grass on this side of the fence. I don't miss the mania, I do miss the fun. I know that this medicated semi depressed person isn't me.

Moose72 · May 10, 2019 at 07:43 PM

I miss the feeling of being detatched- the ease of having no worries, of knowing that I know everything, and the feeling that I am one with myself and the universe. I miss mania.

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Anonymous43918 Guest Posts: n/a	May 07, 2019 at 12:25 PM #4 I completely understand, I myself haven't gotten to the point of being okay with resisting that urge, but I can resist it and that's what counts. You can resist it too
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Ellie_jo Member Member Since Feb 2016 Location: Ohio Posts: 246 8	May 07, 2019 at 03:07 PM #5 Yeah I should know better. I definitely have a pattern. Summer gets me manic and I end the season by jumping into an impulsive relationship that's no good for me. Then I spiral into a bad place mentally. My therapist told me to date myself for a while and i think that's a great idea. I can have fun on my own terms and stay stable. Still, it's tempting...
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