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Tryingtobehappy5
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#21
I thought I was doing better. I look better, I talk better, I act better. But as of yesterday I am drinking a little(so far havent told H because he will freak) and not taking my meds after two months on them including one full month of perfect compliance at home. I feel like I cant tell anyone I am suffering because I dont feel like I am but I know something is wrong. My mouth feels sewn shut as far as reaching out for help or putting a pill in it. I havent slept as much the last couple of nights and I am being more social and active but thats what I am supposed to be doing! Driving is faster and music is much louder which maybe would be noticeable if there was someone who seen it. So Im probably not doing better but sure do look that way on the outside...
On the other hand Im not pi** drunk and trying to kill myself right at the moment so it isnt that bad hahaha __________________ Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Alcohol Use Disorder Meds: Depakote Welbutrin Abilify I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free. - Sylvia Plath |
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fern46
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#22
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It might be time to reach out to your doctor to see about getting back on meds. Hypomania can morph into full blown mania and even psychosis quickly. It may feel good now, but so many of us have major regrets from the things we did while manic. I'd give anything to go back in time and do something about my episode when it was ramping up and before it went too far. Please be careful. |
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Member
Tryingtobehappy5
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Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 443
776 hugs
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#23
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__________________ Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Alcohol Use Disorder Meds: Depakote Welbutrin Abilify I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free. - Sylvia Plath |
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fern46
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#24
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Tryingtobehappy5
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Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 443
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#25
Quote:
__________________ Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Alcohol Use Disorder Meds: Depakote Welbutrin Abilify I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free. - Sylvia Plath |
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SorryShaped
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Location: Kentucky
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#26
Follows is a little off-the-cuff poem that came to me.
I'm alive but not living. I'm breathing but feel dead. I'm taking the g-- d---- meds, but I'm still out of my g-- d---- head. I think I'm going to pour a drink. I think I'm going to try not to think. I think I've tried it all, yet I think I'm going to the g-- d---- brink. I'm alive but not living. |
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Tryingtobehappy5
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#27
Love your poem. Im trying so hard to live and not just be alive. Its sooooo hard. Everyone said hello to me today. One person on the street even tried to get my number because I feel sooooo hot and it shows. I -almost gave it to them but I was sober still so my better judgment kicked in. Who the f am I? This seems to be the best but its so dangerous. Alcohol keeps me down for a while. But tries to kill me so fast i dont even care. H will be shocked at how drunk I am.when he comes home from work. Im glad I told him aheqd of time.
__________________ Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Alcohol Use Disorder Meds: Depakote Welbutrin Abilify I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free. - Sylvia Plath |
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#28
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I don't know if that helps you. Feel free to PM me any time of you'd like to discuss further or would just like a hug or empathy. And please know that I remember what hell feels like and have been there more than once...you have my empathy...you are not alone. I understand very well what you mean by "alive but not living." Thank you for the beautiful poem! Peace and hope to you. |
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SorryShaped
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#29
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#30
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How do you feel about mindfulness and meditation? They help me to create at least some joy for myself each day. Could you try an exercise....write down all the ways in which you are doing better now compared with 5 years ago? Then pick 3 specific things you'd like to change for the better in the next year or several. Sorry you are experiencing deep pain SorryShaped |
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SorryShaped
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#31
Mindfulness is something I need to practice a lot more. I've been so scattered I can't think straight. Possibly the caffeine intake is too high, just enough to stay awake for me is probably dangerous as well.
I do meditate, in yoga class, and sometimes out of, but I'm terrible at it lately too. I'm going to bed tonight with a glimmer of hope, because I know I'm not that proverbial him. |
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#32
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Maybe try some guided meditation to get you back into the habit or help you feel less scattered? Even a few minutes in the morning and at night each day to get a routine going. There's a really nice guided one I like about hope and imagining one's life as a film with all sorts of dramatic scenes....I find that comforting. Then you imagine yourself stepping out of the film and watching it. |
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SorryShaped
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#33
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Really though, it wouldn't. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have come a distance. I might get better again. |
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#34
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One study found that people who wrote down 5 things for which they are grateful each day exhibited a 25% increase in subjective level of happiness after 3 months. Subjective as in their own self-report...how they felt....which is all that matters, right? |
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