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Default May 28, 2019 at 05:55 PM
  #21
I thought I was doing better. I look better, I talk better, I act better. But as of yesterday I am drinking a little(so far havent told H because he will freak) and not taking my meds after two months on them including one full month of perfect compliance at home. I feel like I cant tell anyone I am suffering because I dont feel like I am but I know something is wrong. My mouth feels sewn shut as far as reaching out for help or putting a pill in it. I havent slept as much the last couple of nights and I am being more social and active but thats what I am supposed to be doing! Driving is faster and music is much louder which maybe would be noticeable if there was someone who seen it. So Im probably not doing better but sure do look that way on the outside...

On the other hand Im not pi** drunk and trying to kill myself right at the moment so it isnt that bad hahaha

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Default May 29, 2019 at 06:56 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5 View Post
I thought I was doing better. I look better, I talk better, I act better. But as of yesterday I am drinking a little(so far havent told H because he will freak) and not taking my meds after two months on them including one full month of perfect compliance at home. I feel like I cant tell anyone I am suffering because I dont feel like I am but I know something is wrong. My mouth feels sewn shut as far as reaching out for help or putting a pill in it. I havent slept as much the last couple of nights and I am being more social and active but thats what I am supposed to be doing! Driving is faster and music is much louder which maybe would be noticeable if there was someone who seen it. So Im probably not doing better but sure do look that way on the outside...

On the other hand Im not pi** drunk and trying to kill myself right at the moment so it isnt that bad hahaha
I know you said you feel like you can't tell anyone, but you were brave enough to be honest here. That is a good first step. I'm not an expert, but it sounds like maybe you are experiencing hypomania. You mentioned several factors that fit with that.

It might be time to reach out to your doctor to see about getting back on meds. Hypomania can morph into full blown mania and even psychosis quickly. It may feel good now, but so many of us have major regrets from the things we did while manic. I'd give anything to go back in time and do something about my episode when it was ramping up and before it went too far. Please be careful.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 02:06 PM
  #23
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I know you said you feel like you can't tell anyone, but you were brave enough to be honest here. That is a good first step. I'm not an expert, but it sounds like maybe you are experiencing hypomania. You mentioned several factors that fit with that.

It might be time to reach out to your doctor to see about getting back on meds. Hypomania can morph into full blown mania and even psychosis quickly. It may feel good now, but so many of us have major regrets from the things we did while manic. I'd give anything to go back in time and do something about my episode when it was ramping up and before it went too far. Please be careful.
Thank you I felt a bit better after at least putting it out there that Im not doing great. I have now told my H because you are right. Im not manic but Im higher than I am when i am just well. I also left a message for the pdoc. Im still drinking today but decided at least taking my meds would be right. So i took them and decided I would take more seroquel tonight if i dont hear back from her. I love how I feel but i know its not right and losing my family scares me. This ends with me in a cell and then hospital or worse if I dont stop it now before I get completely out of control and I cant have that.

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I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be
utterly empty. How free it is,
you have no idea how free.
- Sylvia Plath
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Default May 29, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #24
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Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5 View Post
Thank you I felt a bit better after at least putting it out there that Im not doing great. I have now told my H because you are right. Im not manic but Im higher than I am when i am just well. I also left a message for the pdoc. Im still drinking today but decided at least taking my meds would be right. So i took them and decided I would take more seroquel tonight if i dont hear back from her. I love how I feel but i know its not right and losing my family scares me. This ends with me in a cell and then hospital or worse if I dont stop it now before I get completely out of control and I cant have that.
Good for you! It must have been hard to tell your husband and you are smart to get back on your meds. I hope it helps even you back out. I know exactly what you mean about ending up in the hospital. It happened to me and I am hopeful I'll be able to catch it earlier next time. Huge hugs to you.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 04:05 PM
  #25
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Good for you! It must have been hard to tell your husband and you are smart to get back on your meds. I hope it helps even you back out. I know exactly what you mean about ending up in the hospital. It happened to me and I am hopeful I'll be able to catch it earlier next time. Huge hugs to you.
It was hard, I couldnt even look at him when i said it but being honest keeps me alive and I needed to do it. Thank you for replying to me it helped. My meds wont help, they havent yet and ive been diagnosed for 2 years. Changing that thought is too hard right now, reality doesnt feel right. But my pdoc told me before to take seroquel if i wasnt sleeping so maybe more will help some. For now im confused and super drunk for 4pm but not having any SI so today is ok. Obviously pdoc isnt calling me back today. But alive and not alone is a win....

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I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be
utterly empty. How free it is,
you have no idea how free.
- Sylvia Plath
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Default May 29, 2019 at 04:14 PM
  #26
Follows is a little off-the-cuff poem that came to me.

I'm alive but not living.
I'm breathing but feel dead.
I'm taking the g-- d---- meds, but
I'm still out of my g-- d---- head.
I think I'm going to pour a drink.
I think I'm going to try not to think.
I think I've tried it all, yet
I think I'm going to the g-- d---- brink.
I'm alive but not living.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 04:30 PM
  #27
Love your poem. Im trying so hard to live and not just be alive. Its sooooo hard. Everyone said hello to me today. One person on the street even tried to get my number because I feel sooooo hot and it shows. I -almost gave it to them but I was sober still so my better judgment kicked in. Who the f am I? This seems to be the best but its so dangerous. Alcohol keeps me down for a while. But tries to kill me so fast i dont even care. H will be shocked at how drunk I am.when he comes home from work. Im glad I told him aheqd of time.

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I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted
to lie with my hands turned up and be
utterly empty. How free it is,
you have no idea how free.
- Sylvia Plath
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Default May 29, 2019 at 05:25 PM
  #28
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Originally Posted by SorryShaped View Post
Follows is a little off-the-cuff poem that came to me.

I'm alive but not living.
I'm breathing but feel dead.
I'm taking the g-- d---- meds, but
I'm still out of my g-- d---- head.
I think I'm going to pour a drink.
I think I'm going to try not to think.
I think I've tried it all, yet
I think I'm going to the g-- d---- brink.
I'm alive but not living.
Hello Sorry Shaped. This is a wonderful thread and I thank you for asking if others are getting better. I myself am getting better, slowly with work, over time. If I compared myself day to day or even week to week, I would feel as though I am not improving. But when I compare to 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago I am ideeed much better. More work to do of course!

I don't know if that helps you. Feel free to PM me any time of you'd like to discuss further or would just like a hug or empathy. And please know that I remember what hell feels like and have been there more than once...you have my empathy...you are not alone. I understand very well what you mean by "alive but not living."

Thank you for the beautiful poem!
Peace and hope to you.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 10:51 PM
  #29
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Hello Sorry Shaped. This is a wonderful thread and I thank you for asking if others are getting better. I myself am getting better, slowly with work, over time. If I compared myself day to day or even week to week, I would feel as though I am not improving. But when I compare to 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago I am ideeed much better. More work to do of course!


I don't know if that helps you. Feel free to PM me any time of you'd like to discuss further or would just like a hug or empathy. And please know that I remember what hell feels like and have been there more than once...you have my empathy...you are not alone. I understand very well what you mean by "alive but not living."


Thank you for the beautiful poem!

Peace and hope to you.
Hmm. Compared to five years ago... Ok. Huge changes. You got me, there. I'm very grateful I'm not him (me, five years ago). I feel crappy, for the now. I've got to stop experiencing pain so deeply because I'm losing the chances of feeling pleasure in it.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:00 PM
  #30
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Hmm. Compared to five years ago... Ok. Huge changes. You got me, there. I'm very grateful I'm not him (me, five years ago). I feel crappy, for the now. I've got to stop experiencing pain so deeply because I'm losing the chances of feeling pleasure in it.
Maybe since you have improved significantly in 5 years, in another 5 years (or 1 or 2) you'll be feeling even better? I know you want to be happy right now. Completely understandable and natural. I wish I was happy right now too. But I think for many (or most?) of us happiness takes work and time and practice.

How do you feel about mindfulness and meditation? They help me to create at least some joy for myself each day.

Could you try an exercise....write down all the ways in which you are doing better now compared with 5 years ago? Then pick 3 specific things you'd like to change for the better in the next year or several.

Sorry you are experiencing deep pain SorryShaped
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:05 PM
  #31
Mindfulness is something I need to practice a lot more. I've been so scattered I can't think straight. Possibly the caffeine intake is too high, just enough to stay awake for me is probably dangerous as well.
I do meditate, in yoga class, and sometimes out of, but I'm terrible at it lately too.
I'm going to bed tonight with a glimmer of hope, because I know I'm not that proverbial him.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:08 PM
  #32
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Mindfulness is something I need to practice a lot more. I've been so scattered I can't think straight. Possibly the caffeine intake is too high, just enough to stay awake for me is probably dangerous as well.
I do meditate, in yoga class, and sometimes out of, but I'm terrible at it lately too.
I'm going to bed tonight with a glimmer of hope, because I know I'm not that proverbial him.
Even a glimmer of hope can carry you a long way. May it grow and grow!

Maybe try some guided meditation to get you back into the habit or help you feel less scattered? Even a few minutes in the morning and at night each day to get a routine going. There's a really nice guided one I like about hope and imagining one's life as a film with all sorts of dramatic scenes....I find that comforting. Then you imagine yourself stepping out of the film and watching it.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:23 PM
  #33
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Even a glimmer of hope can carry you a long way. May it grow and grow!


Maybe try some guided meditation to get you back into the habit or help you feel less scattered? Even a few minutes in the morning and at night each day to get a routine going. There's a really nice guided one I like about hope and imagining one's life as a film with all sorts of dramatic scenes....I find that comforting. Then you imagine yourself stepping out of the film and watching it.
That would be a Titanic-level tragedy...
Really though, it wouldn't. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have come a distance. I might get better again.
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Default May 29, 2019 at 11:35 PM
  #34
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That would be a Titanic-level tragedy...
Really though, it wouldn't. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have come a distance. I might get better again.
How about telling yourself that you will get better again? There is research indicating that our bodies and minds respond to messages like that. Just one example: people with pre-cancerous cells who say "I'm sure I'm going to get cancer" are more likely to develop cancer than those who say "It's not cancer. I'm not going to get cancer. I'll just keep an eye on it."

One study found that people who wrote down 5 things for which they are grateful each day exhibited a 25% increase in subjective level of happiness after 3 months. Subjective as in their own self-report...how they felt....which is all that matters, right?
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