[Blueberrybook]

Today and yesterday I have been struggling with the feeling I don't deserve self-care and self-care is being lazy.

It has been difficult as I have now not been able to exercise much (big outlet for anxiety) for 3 days. I slept too late on Sunday, and it just got too hot. Yesterday morning and this morning, it rained. Well, I managed a short walk yesterday, and this morning jogged around a 1.5 miles when persistent lightning chased me in, followed by torrential rain. Now that I am cleaned up, of course, the rain is slacking. I feel awful and lazy for not exercising 3 days in a row (stupid ED as well).

I feel on the verge of a bad panic attack and/or crying spell. I decided since I couldn't run today, I would focus on self-care even though I felt I really didn't deserve it and I should be cleaning.

So I took a soak in Epsom salts, opened my fibromyalgia stretch book (hadn't used it in ages) and did stretches for myofascial pain relief, especially since I woke very stiff at the base of the left side of my neck, going into my back and shoulder. The entire time I felt like I should be doing something productive or once the rain stopped that I should go running except I'd already showered, and I didn't want to have to do it again.

I used the hair dryer, during which time a centipede crawled over my bare foot. Ugh! We occasionally do get centipedes in the house, usually when it's rained a lot, but we see them once every 2 or 3 years, so it's not an infestation. But, gross! I hate insects crawling over my bare feet, especially ones that bite. The centipede incident made me feel like I should skip makeup already, that this dumb morning routine was taking ages.

I would have skipped makeup if I didn't have to go out in public today, but I don't like going out without some makeup on, and I'm seeing my T this afternoon.

Now, I could read a book, play a mindless game on my iPad, watch TV, but again, I feel all of these are being lazy. I'm trying to tell myself that in addition to running, I did spend over an hour this morning organizing in my office until I got overwhelmed, but at least it was something, and there finally is a visible difference.

And I know I need to eat lunch and seeing my T is not a waste of 55 minutes in the afternoon, but now I will not have done much at all today other than laundry, taking care of the cats, and dishes, picking up my daughter from her robotics camp, and it's hard for me.

I wish I knew why I'm having problems with this right now. I suppose it could be the iron infusion which I do think is helping my anemia though that might affect my mood, my tense muscles, etc.?

A part of me knows that taking care of myself allows me to be a better mother and wife, that taking some time to relax is not selfish, but I can't make myself believe/feel it today.

Anyone else in this boat?

[MickeyCheeky]

I hear you, Blueberrybook! I often feel lazy as well! Unlike you however I'm not that busy so there are really NO EXCUSES for my behavior. I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're aware that taking care of yourself is NOT a negative thing at all. I don't have a lot of advice except to keep repeating that to yourself. I'm sure you're a WONDERFUL mother and wife and from what you wrote it seems like even in what is supposedly a day of relaxation you were STILL very busy! Try not to feel guilty about this. You're doing the best you can Take GREAT care of yourself, ok? .throb: You're a WONDERFUL person and you deserve to treat yourself well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and your family, Blueberrybook!

[Blueberrybook]

Thanks....got a bit stressed because my TV U-verse is out. I have to have a tech come tomorrow (after over an hour on the phone). Then, I get home from therapy, there’s an ATT U-verse truck 2 houses up the road, but they can’t come here until tomorrow?! Also lots of electric company trucks at the start of the road. Lightning struck close this morning. I hope my power stays on.

[yellow_fleurs]

Feeling I don't deserve self care has been a huge problem of mine. It has lead to neglecting myself in a number of ways and I do think it was linked to my eating disorder. I am doing somewhat better now due to a shift in my thinking. I came to a realization that by not taking care of myself I was not taking responsibility for my mind and body, and that taking care of myself was the opposite of lazy. By neglecting self care I was less mentally and physically well, plus it passed some responsibility about caring for myself onto other such as my SO who would feel he needed to make sure I did things like eat. I also feel like I don't function as well at work or other activities when I neglect self care, and am not as good or reliable of a friend, SO, or family member.

The hardest part is believing I deserve self care just because I deserve it, and I think that stems from low self worth that goes back to my childhood. I don't think that's an easy one to shift but I am working on it.

You definitely deserve self care and it's a great thing to practice. I can understand why you are having a hard time with it, though. As I am trying to learn myself, we cannot believe everything we think, and our minds will tell us distortions of reality when we are unwell.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Feeling I don't deserve self care has been a huge problem of mine. It has lead to neglecting myself in a number of ways and I do think it was linked to my eating disorder.

Oh, yes, me too.

I am the same. I have low feelings of self esteem going back to childhood and never feeling good enough for my distant but domineering father, then SA and other crap and soon your self esteem is pretty much in the gutter despite your accomplishments (graduated class valedictorian, graduated university summa cum laude in a tough major (microbiology) with all A's and only one B (Physics II was a killer!). Was first author on a decently cited review & article in a scientific journal. None of it helps.

And you are so right about the ED throwing the responsibility of your care onto another person, likely someone who loves you very much and doesn't deserve to be your caretaker because of your choices and actions. I'll never be 100% ED-free, the thoughts, they linger, and it's been 20 years with some blips along the way though never as bad as the initial hole I dug, so I'm lucky in that way. Pulled myself up again out of the one I had in 2018 because it really isn't the end of the world if 5 or 6 lb. more makes you look healthy, feel better, sleep better, think better even if it is with jumpy bipolar thinking. Though I struggle with the 5 or 6 lb. a lot, unfortunately even if I still am able to wear the same clothes. I need to do something therapeutic with my scale, like run over it a few times in my car or something, can't set it on fire; the HOA won't allow that, and my house doesn't have a fireplace. Maybe pound it with a hammer in the backyard.

[yellow_fleurs]

Yeah outside accomplishments cannot cut through low self worth I have found, although you do have a lot to be proud of! You seem like an intelligent, and strong person. Just wanted to add it's not your fault for having an ED or any other mental illness, and it's okay if you need support from others. That's great you have made some progress with the ED. I hope things get better for you!

[Pookyl]

I’m the opposite. I feel lazy if I don’t practice self-care.

[Unrigged64072835]

I used to feel that way because I was taught to be productive as soon as I was able. If I even sat down I was hit and yelled at. It took a lot of therapy to get over it to the point where I felt deserving to take care of myself. Others always pushed my buttons: spouses, kids, coworkers, customers, etc. I now make sure I take care of myself first. I can’t help others if I’m empty.