[MsSunflower]

So I'm going to a Meetup group on Friday. I met some of the ladies a few weeks ago when we went to a pottery painting place. This month we're going to a restaurant for dinner. I'm nervous because there won't be an activity to act as an ice breaker anymore. I fear that the inevitable questions like 'what do you do?' will come up. I haven't been working in several months and am currently on disability. I don't know what or how much I should say about that and about my mental illness. I don't want to lie but how do I navigate this situation? Any advice would be very appreciated.

[yellow_fleurs]

You could talk about what you previously did and just say you are not working currently and give whatever amount of information you want along with that such as you are in between jobs, not working for health/personal reasons, currently unemployed, on disability. I imagine I would be more vague if I didn't know the people well, you don't really owe anyone a detailed explanation. You could quickly refocus the conversation on your past jobs, your hobbies/volunteer work if you have any, or turn around and ask someone about their work. Just some ideas, but honestly I'd say up to your comfort level. Also I have not really been in this situation except for short term disability due to medical issues, so I imagine others could have better feedback. That's great you are getting out to a meetup group, though. Takes courage!

[MsSunflower]

Thanks for your feedback Yellow Fleurs
I did work at the same job for 5 years before this all happened so I could talk about that. The hard part isn't even the stigma about my illness as much as the stigma about being on disability! I know it's what I need right now but it's such a source of shame and I don't feel like being judged by relative strangers. Just hate lying though

say you are on disability. nothing wrong with that....you don't have to say what for...or say back injury . people talk sometimes like disability is the curse of death but really it isn't...it is something that was designed to help folks get by when they are unable to work....a saving grace. so say you are dealing with something, death in the family, weird illness, what ever....but no harm in disability. is it helping you pay your bills? putting food on your table? did you apply and medical personnel approved you? well then no harm no foul..go ahead & say it.

[MsSunflower]

Thanks resurgam. I guess I care too much about what other people think about me. I wish I didn't. I think I'll try being vague and then only offer more details if pressed for them. I'm not so good at this socializing stuff because of my anxiety but I'm really trying to put myself out there and meet people. I'm just afraid of rejection when people find out the truth.

[Shadesofdark]

In a situation like that with a bunch of people I don't know I go with disability from back injury. No reason these people need to know anything about your mental health.

[~Christina]

Hi_____ I work in the X field ... what do you do ? If asked most people love to talk about themselves.

Talk about hobbies you like or ask people for there favorite writer or music etc

No one needs to know your on disability unless you choose to tell them.

Just go , try a different food than you normally would and enjoy the conversation.

[MsSunflower]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it I'm going to try not to worry so much and just try to enjoy myself. There was a women at the last meet up who seemed nice but who was really shy. I'm going to try talking to her and maybe we'll have more in common.

Hi MsSunflower. It's kind of a coincidence. I, myself, went to a Meet Up the weekend before last. That was my first time.

I decided not to reveal that I'm on disability, but that was my decision. The Meet Up organizer did initiate us all going around the table at the cafe saying what "we do". I chose to say what I did most of my career. I strategically stated something like "I have worked mostly, and most recently, as a manager in the Sales and Marketing departments of a local corporation." If I recall correctly, someone did ask what the corporation was, so I told them...details about the corporation I last worked for. I was not lying in any way, but I was likely making people assume I was still there, but I didn't directly say I was. I also talked a lot about my husband's and my love for classical music and the arts, my interest in flower arranging, and passion for cooking. I happened to be the only married woman there. There were five of us. They talked about dating. I talked about what has helped keep my marriage strong and happy. I said nothing about any mental illness or disability. If I make much better friends with any of those women, in the future, I will likely mention it when the time is right.

At the Meet Up, I confessed to being totally out of touch with what dating is like in the 2000s. However, I know that it has remained about the same as ever in that it is like an interview of sorts. You want to present yourself in the best light possible. I have never created a dating website profile, because I've married for 21 years, but if I did, I would mention lots of good things about myself. Not ones that some people may have trouble understanding or may stigmatize. For example, let's say one has genital herpes. Is that something you would advertise on eharmony or Match.com? My guess is no, unless there is a special genital herpes section there. I doubt many people would advertise that they have a major mental illness on such a site, unless it's a specific dating site for people with major mental illnesses. But of course if you meet someone and really hit it off after a few dates, and know you can sort of trust them, then in my opinion it would be time for me to mention my disability or if I had genital herpes. Obviously, if I had the latter, I would mention that if there was to be first date sex, though many wouldn't, especially if a condom was involved. If you're interested in stats, about one in eight people ages 14-49 in the United States have genital HSV-2 infection. That's a lot of people.

[MsSunflower]

Thank you BirdDancer for the great advice and sharing your experience with me... and for the horrifying statistics on genital herpes

[Pookyl]

When I was first diagnosed I often said I was in between jobs. I hated lying though, so I started saying I’d taken an early retirement. That was true in that my goal was to one day stop being a workaholic and retire.
Nowadays my care factor is pretty low and I say I have bipolar and I don’t work. If people have further questions I’m happy to educate the masses

Originally Posted by MsSunflower

Thank you BirdDancer for the great advice and sharing your experience with me... and for the horrifying statistics on genital herpes

It does, indeed, affect a lot of people, but I wouldn't call it horrifying. It's not really that big of a deal for most people who have it, especially since it's pretty easy to control the symptoms. And even the symptoms themselves are not that big of a deal for many that have it. There are many worse conditions. I used the genital herpes analogy because it is a highly stigmatized condition that never goes away, but is treatable...like bipolar disorder.

I remember maybe 20 years ago, my sweet mother making some mean statement equating someone who has genital herpes to a "disgusting" kind of person. I had never even mentioned to her that I had gotten it from my husband years before, who got it from his first wife. I responded, "Well, Mom, I guess I am disgusting, too!"

[BipolaRNurse]

I have that too, got it from some guy I was dating and then passed it on a few months later to the man who would become my husband. I've kept it totally quiet until now, not even my kids know about it. I think maybe I'd like to date some day, but I hate the idea of telling the fellow that I have herpes AND bipolar. Meh.

As for talking about being disabled, I just tell people I'm a retired nurse. They don't need to know otherwise.

[MsSunflower]

Hey BirdDancer. I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else. I certainly didn't mean to further stigmatize the condition. Honestly, I know very little about it. I was more referring to how wide spread it is and not that the condition itself is horrifying.

Originally Posted by MsSunflower

Hey BirdDancer. I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone else. I certainly didn't mean to further stigmatize the condition. Honestly, I know very little about it. I was more referring to how wide spread it is and not that the condition itself is horrifying.

No worries, MsSunflower. I wasn't offended. I know it is a surprise to many how widespread of a condition it is, and that's not even including herpes type 1 (oral herpes). Genital herpes is herpes type 2.

BipolaRNurse, the thought of me having both, and if I had to date again, has definitely crossed my mind, too. I am glad that I'm married, for sure. It does seem to be the case that many people with genital herpes don't say anything. I know some with bipolar disorder don't say anything, either. It all sometimes comes down to when you HAVE to tell. My husband didn't say anything to me about his genital herpes. He thought that it would only be transmitted if the virus was active.