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luvyrself
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 12:02 PM
  #1
There is recent thread by a thoughtful young woman about how her lover wont call her his girlfriend. My female mentor keeps trying to call me her best friend -bff- and I’m not and I keep telling her to stop. I dont think these things, names that define relationships, are unimportant. We are very close but somebody else is obviously her best friend. She has a bipolar son who is lower functioning than I am and very fragile and I think she constantly puts a phony spin on many things treating me as if I were him, sugar coating everything. I like a positive person, but I dont like bs and distortions. Being bipolar, I am always fighting at least minor distortions in thinking: aiming a little too hi or a little too low or being undecided on a direction because I’m bouncing around and even have mixed states under stress. This week I have tried really hard to set some boundaries with her and someone else really close about not manipulating me, miscommunicating with me, whatever we want to call it. All in all, I’m not that great at being firm with people— family members dont get or exploit the bipolar.
HOW DO YOU SET BOUNDARIES & STICK TO THEM WITHOUT STRESS?

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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 12:17 PM
  #2
I'm as direct as possible. In business and in my personal life people know me as the person who will give you the absolute truth to anything you ask me even if I know it will hurt your feelings. I often caution people about this when they ask my opinion. If it were me, I would tell them my intent is to set boundaries and what the boundaries are. I would let them know it is my expectation that we both stick to them and I would like feedback if they notice I'm crossing a line as I would do the same for them. Of course, I'd also be open to feedback so that the process of setting the boundaries is a shared effort. I'd explain why it is important to me and why working within the boundaries is beneficial to the both of us. People have an easier time accepting change if they feel they will benefit in some way.

Good luck to you and just remember it is really difficult to get what you want if you are afraid to ask. People can only manipulate you if you allow it once you recognize it. Good for you for taking action.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 08:29 PM
  #3
I like the above comments. DBT teaches you that we are responsible and accountable to ourselves first. That we must put our needs first. That doing so isn't selfish. It took me a long time to get my head around that, because it sounds selfish. But,self-care must come first. There are a few exceptions, as there are to any situations in life, say taking care of a sick parent. Their needs in some areas may need to come ahead of yours, but that doesn't mean boundaries disappear, they move. Respect, for example, would still be expected.

Boundaries come easier for some than others. I have great difficulty setting boundaries because I feel a lot of the time they are unloving. Yet I hate my space invaded or when others encroach on my space when I need a time out. I am also a very insecure person, which again, makes boundaries hard because fear of rejection is huge. I guess this is where you start to realise a lack of boundaries is tiring and detrimental to yourself and your own health.

Back to DBT. Each of us are responsible for ourselves. In the case of your friend, if they are a true friend, they will respect and comply with your boundaries. It doesn't mean they'll always get it right, but their motives are that they will try. If they don't, that's not on you. You've not list, because you've not had the friend you thought you had. Again, look at motives; it takes a long time for some to realise and accept boundaries as good. Sometimes others may push through our boundaries, thinking we don't know what's good for us. Guess what, sometimes they're right. Look at their motives.


For me, if I don't respect my friend's motives, am I doing so because of my insecurities or concern for them? If I am concerned, a tiny boundary break I believe is ok. Them sending a "you ok" or " thinking of you" after a period of time is them being concerned for me.

DBT. We cannot change others. We cannot hold ourselves responsible for their actions or reactions. We can be as loving and thoughtful and compassionate as we are comfortable with when setting up boundaries. But as hard S it is to accept within our own minds, we cannot or don't want to control them. Self-love isn't selfish.

Will it be stressful. Yes. For me, for those I genuinely care for, each day I have difficulty keeping the boundaries I have set. But they're there for my own good. And ultimately, that's why I must keep them.
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Default Jun 15, 2019 at 11:03 PM
  #4
I’m considered to be blunt and ‘what you see is what you get ‘. I’ve got no problem setting boundaries. BUT setting boundaries is always stressful for me.

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Default Jun 16, 2019 at 12:28 AM
  #5
I allow a lil give here and there but I have really sturdy boundaries. I have no problem speaking my mind.

A few months ago a friend of mine kept wanting to go shopping and lunch a town an hour south I said ok but I don’t want to be gone for hours and hours .. I figured after lunch we would head home , but no she had “ a few” more place she just had to run into. I said M I told you can’t manage more than a couple hours and that id just sit in the car. She finally cane back an hour later !!!!

We got back to her house and as I was gathering my things I told her that I would not go out of town with her again because she didn’t “ hear” me when I told her I could not handle so long out. She started crying and I said and that’s what I’ll be doing for a couple days trying to recover from this trip. I got in my car and left

She was blowing up my phone, callls and texts which I ignored for a couple days and then blew up on her for pulling that shyt.

We have gotten together a few times for lunch and she’s come over a few times to watch movies.

I do love her as a friend but she just pushed and pushed until I snapped.

Sometimes it takes a heavy hand to do what you need to do for your own wellbeing.

There’s nothing wrong with strong boundaries. Make them and when you feel them being pushed remind yourself why you made them in the first place.

It can be hard, but practice does make it easier.

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 01:59 PM
  #6
I think given the situation you describe, I'd start with something basic and concrete. You do mention that you've kept telling her to stop, but is it maybe "too nicely", or just as an interjection, where maybe she doesn't take it seriously(?) If so, maybe stop to dead silence and firmly say something like, "Please do not call me your BFF. It is not accurate and I don't like it."

Make space around your statement. Don't be apologetic. Be very firm and crystal clear. Eye contact.

Or is that how you've already told her?

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Default Jun 17, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #7
I don't have a very good answer for you, luvyrself, but I'm glad all the other wise, wonderful posters do and that they shared their experiences! I hope they'll be helpful to you! Definitely stay firm when you talk to her about what's upsetting you. Your feeling are IMPORTANT and boundaries HAVE to be respected. People who truly care about you will respect you and your boundaries. Don't you EVER forget that! It can be hard but we DO need to take care of ourselves! Next time she does that try to just explain calmly but firmly to her that you don't like her calling you those names and that you have to ask her to stop her. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! It is important to stand up for ourselves when it is necessary even though it is NOT easy and I COMPLETELY understand what you mean! Let us know how it goes if you DO decide to do that! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, luvyrself, and to EVERYONE! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WISE, WONDERFUL EXPERIENCES!
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #8
My friend admitted she is in the habit of minimizing everything and went on distorting and minimizing in the same conversation. Hey fine. I get a more balanced view from you folks here. She is good at using a positive outlook if you can tolerate all the bs. Sometimes we have to take the good and add more friends who wont sugarcoat everything and put any of her negative observations. In a cocoon of confusing nonsense: Betty has extremist views, Betty whatever, when its actually my friends opinion. Wow, baffle them w ********. Apparently it works for her. I prefer you folks, but where are you when I want to share a coffee LOL, LOL. Hey, stop by anytime Mickey (in Italy)! LOL. LOL
Thanks everyone!

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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 09:57 AM
  #9
I don’t have any insights, but I can relate. I really like how you explained the issue.
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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 08:38 PM
  #10
I would tell her (or write, if you prefer not to deal with her body language and facial expression) that while you cannot deny being initially honored by her promoting you to the status of her bff, soon it got old and you would strongly prefer that she never call you her bff again. Add that you are happy to be A friend to her.

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 12:03 AM
  #11
I’m glad you have been able to look at the relationship from a different angle.

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