Dealing with hurt feelings

Thank you Jennifer and Christina,

I am also happy to be able to post about some good news. I feel like my father's death has brought me closer to other people.

About my old friend, I had also met her in a (different) support group, but we didn't have as much in common and I noticed kind of a coldness or indifference in her at the beginning, whereas my new friend is much more passionate about things.

I didn't respond after my old friend's last text. Today I got another text from her. I found it pretty condescending. I guess she can't imagine that I haven't gotten in contact with her for any other reason than I am not feeling well. She wrote 'I hope you are doing well, enjoying the good weather we are having. Remember to take care of yourself.'

I don't need her reminders to take care of myself.

She probably “ thinks” she is behaving in a nice caring way. Some people just never understand how they have hurt people.

I am sorry your feelings were hurt, glad that you can move on.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I completely agree with you and that is why I feel it is hopeless. What she writes to me seems empty and meaningless, like there is no feeling behind it. She hasn't asked for my forgiveness or other ways to make amends. I just get this icy, cold feeling when I read what she writes.

Thanks bizi. It has been a hard time. I have the flu, my Dad died, I lost my best friend and had my sister triangulate using my son against me to make me look bad in his eyes.

We were friends for more than 5 years and now I reallze that the whole thing was built on an illusion that she actually cared for my feelings. It is a process to accept and mourn the loss.

Bizi,

I haven't really been able to move on. I still have not been able to forgive her and she hasn't reached out to me in a way I consider appropriate at all, even though I had texted her what it was I was looking for. I find her texts to be cold and condescending. Just like how she dumped me that day to go be with her best friend instead.

But i have realized I've got two steps to take, one is to forgive her and myself for being so long in such a meaningless relationship, and two whether or not to reengage with her, I guess give her another chance.

I can forgive her without ever reaching out again. Does this make sense to anyone?

But then I ask myself why should I forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness?

Hi tecomsin!

Are you over the flu? Have been thinking of you.

It often takes me some time to sort out my feelings and to decide if I hope to again try to nurture the relationship.

I eventually work on forgiveness when I am ready. Forgiveness frees me. So when someone does not ask for forgiveness, I eventually work on forgiveness because I am responsible for my own healing,ultimately.

I suspect you will put this behind you if/when the associated pain fades.
And... I hope it does fade. This has caused you a lot of turmoil.

Often, when I experience a situation where I have ongoing feelings, I try to think about any prior situation in life, where I may have felt the same or similar.

This does not negate my feelings in the current situation. It helps me to possibly also identify another potentially powerful trigger.

My apologies. I am having great difficulty putting my thoughts on "paper" this morning.

I hope you will find a way to enJOY your day, despite this situation with your friend. I hope you can stay cool in this hot/humid weather.

Thinking of you!

Hi WC,

Thanks for asking about my flu. I am still coughing and sneezing quite a lot but it is slowly getting better each day. You are right, my feelings about my friend bring up many associated memories of feeling rejected and dismissed, the way my sister also 'otherizes me' to my family members including my son.

I know you are right that forgiveness is for myself. To find serenity and not be living in a state of turmoil regarding other people or ourselves. That's what my 12 step program teaches but I find remarkably little in society at large about it. It's all about 'winning'.
I felt and continue to feel like a loser in my interactions with her. I understand that it is her narcissism or her upbringing that blinds her to my concerns.

I had also a lot of misgivings about how this woman is possibly manipulating the disability program she has access to through her employer. I had posted quite a bit about that in the past. It was really bothering me, so much that I couldn't look her in the eye the last time we were together. Then she pulled this stunt and dumped me in the middle of our outing.

So I had pretty negative thoughts about what she was doing before the latest incident, and the only thing that directly involved me.

Fortunately where I live in Canada is not affected by the heat wave gripping so much of North America. It is a cool, rainy day here and I am running my gas fireplace.

If I had more friends then this one loss would be less important to me.

Well my ex friend texted me again. It was another bland message pretending like nothing has happened. She has texted me several times now without getting any response from me. I am not inclined to respond.

What she did to me still hurts.

Well at least she making the attempt. People rarely said what we would like or deserve to hear.

Maybe given some more time you might let her back in as someone you can grab lunch with every blue moon and it be more of just a change pace... at least now your not being sucked into her daily life.

Has your hip fully recovered ??

Hi Christina,

Thanks for asking about my hip. Yes it ok now.

She ends each text (unanswered by me) with 'Remember to take care of yourself.'

I'm not asking her for advise and I don't want it. It's irritating and condescending that she writes this. It's not something she has texted me before this incident.

I can't read her mind, but I'm wondering if her reminding you to take care of yourself is due to her thinking you're not writing back because you're in an episode. Maybe she thinks its bipolar related and hasn't realized you're not returning her messages simply because you no longer wish to speak to her after what you went through. Thinking you're ill would be easier to swallow than admitting she messed up.

I don't want go further muddy the waters here, but it crossed my mind.

Hi fern46,

Thanks for your response. I also have thoughts along similar lines. I think she putting what happened and its aftermath (the fact that I haven't responded to her texts for a month) on me as much as possible.

It's true that I was over-involved in what was going on in her life before all this happened.

I just feel a lot of resentment and her messages upset me all over again. I am thinking I should block her but i feel more like just ignoring and not giving her any signal at all.

I did mute her but haven't blocked yet.

tecomsin

I think Fern made a great point.

We all seem isolate ourselves so much, I think personally I’d just put things in the past and have a surface level type relationship with her, obviously you won’t be so wrapped up into her disability stuff anymore.

Having a simple lunch with her occasionally might just be a good distraction

How are things going with the other woman you met ?? Are you still getting together ?

Yes, Christina, the extent I got wrapped up in her disability claims was unhealthy for me.

I am still texting with the other woman I met but she has cancelled at the last minute on me twice so I don't think she is very reliable. She is also diabetic and not on insulin and texts me often that she is blacking out from over eating. It is kind of a downer to interact with her so I am not sure if we are actually going to be friends.

I have such resentment about my ex friend that I don't see myself getting back together with her.

I know what you mean by isolating but at the moment I just like my peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet is much needed in our lives