Do people with BP literally forget conversations when they are stressed/anxious?

Do people with bipolar have no memory or little memory of conversations when tey get in a state of heightened anxiety?

We all have difficulty remembering certain parts of conversations, and our recollections will always differ. That is a given, eg six people have a conversation and there will be 7 versions- the actual one (which would need a tape recorder to confirm), and 6 differing viewpoints of what was said, and the context, meaning, and feelings, etc.

Two examples of what I am talking about
My ex fiancee had mental health issues, primarily anxiety and depression. I am unsure of her diagnoses/meds. Once, I was late picking her up because I had picked up her replacement engagement ring. She was in a huge state of anxiety, shouting, etc, and on at least half a dozen times during the conversation I said that I was late because of the ring.
The next day when she had calmed down and I talked about it, she remembered how angry and stressed she was, and I asked her why I was late. She had no recollection whatsoever, just how angry and upset she was . She was genuinely surprised when I told her that I had picked up the ring, and then she questioned me as to why I hadnt told her (which I clearly did half a dozen times) and she genuinely had no recollection.

2) My wife who is bipolar2, sober for 2 years, but has a substance abuse problem (I am a health care professional). on medication has similar lapses in memory, and then I get blamed for changing my story and 'gaslighting' her. Now, I understand theat there will always be differences in what was said, and recollections.
She gets in a state of heightened anxiety, throws a bottle of wine through the wall (twice), steals the keys off me to to to the surgery to get some drugs. I tell her that the key she found is not the right one, and that drug taking is a dumb thing. She talks about how she is going to self harm, and mentions and talks about suicide for 20 of the 20 minutes we are outside. Her major fear in life is dying, so I dont buy the suicide ideations as actionable, more manipulation to get me to take her to the surgery.

I gently probe regarding suicide ideations, she is just wanting me to go to the surgery. I offer to call an ambulance/police to keep her safe as she is so important to me.

Heres the kicker. She gets heightened anxiety, and repeatedly says that if I call someone to keep her safe, she will say that I through the bottle through the wall, and claim that she was feeling unsafe.

I am unable to do anything at this stage on my end.

She leaves, and 10 minutes later I get a message from her sister in law that she is there..

Fast forward to two days we are in the middle of the shopping centre, and I am hearing about how things are no good, and numerous issues.

I bring up how two days ago she threw the wine through the wall, was drug seeking, and when I tried to keep her safe, I was threatened with arrest and me being the bad guy.

She said that never happened and that I was just gaslighting her and she is about to shout out in the middle of the shopping centre how bad I am. All the time smiling and saying that I was making it all up

Fast forward to another week and she can barely remember the shopping centre discussion, but can accept she threw the bottle, getting me arrested.was thinking of self harming, but denies any knowledge of discussions of suicide (but on further probing she accepted that it may have been discussed by her)

Her pressurised speech is through the roof, and if I am having a conversation, she will ususally interupt my first sentence, talk over me and repeat her point of view. If we are discussing something tricky or sticky, typically I will be interupted, she will say something different. I can repeat what she said, and usually get how she is feeling, and the context of her flow of conversation;

She will be happy to scream and call me a **** and shout at the kids if she is in a bad mood.

If I ask what I said after I am misquoted, she goes 1 of a number of ways i) talks over me ii) tells me I said exactly what SHE said, (not my half sentence).

I honestly could count on one hand the number of decent conversations in the last six months on one hand.

Her only topics of conversation are her previous alcoholism, her wanting drugs, holidays, cars, and how I am useless around the house and a workaholic.

She has been off for over six months, but rather than realising that maybe I realise its up to me to support her, I get nothing but complaints regarding work. If I talk about downsizing our lives/ spending habits, no that is not an option as I would be 'squashing her dreams", and she will be shouting at the drop of a hat

So, here are my questions
1) Is this a normal thing?
2) how do loved ones ever deal with this? It feels incredibly stressful to be always the one being forgetful when there are blatently obvious things that peoople cant remember. ie late because I picked your engagement ring up and being threatened with arrest over what she did, while I was gently enquiring about whether she needed me to intervene to save a life

No, I don't think that behavior can be classified as normal, but it can occur during mental episodes. I experienced mania with psychosis recently. I blacked out for a lot of the time it was occurring. I was violent and aggressive and just downright awful with my husband. Normally, I have zero issues with him. We are very happily married. Somehow my brain went completely haywire and I projected all kinds of craziness onto him. I thought he was my enemy and I thought I was fighting him for my life. I have gotten back some of the memories of what I did over time. They come back in flashbacks as they are triggered. I don't control any of it and I am embarassed and sad every time a new memory surfaces. I also dissociated from my body when I was sick. It was like watching yourself in a dream. It didn't feel real. I literally had no idea what I was doing. My brain was just on fire and on autopilot.

Your wife sounds like she is at least experiencing Hypomania. It could be contributing to the experience of not remembering how she treated you. Is she on meds and does she see a therapist or a psychiatrist regularly?

My mother traumatized me when she went through a couple of manic episodes. She didn't remember half of the terrible things she did to me. It was so extreme and I didn't believe her when she said she didn't remember. I didn't cope with it very well because it felt really personal and it hurt my feelings so badly. I only now realize she really didn't mean any of it and her brain was malfunctioning. I didnt mean any of the things I said when I was sick and neither did she. I can see that now.

My husband has forgiven me for my actions, but I know it still scares him and hurts him a great deal. I think the thing that helps him the most is that he sees all of the work I am doing to stay balanced and healthy. I put myself in treatment and then started seeing a therapist regularly. I also see my psychiatrist regularly and take my meds every day. I journal and track my moods. I eat healthy and exercise. I don't drink or use any other substances. I also read a lot of books about bipolar disorder trying to learn as many ways as I could to avoid hurting my family again. It doesn't sound like your wife is quite there yet if she's having these episodes and doesn't believe you. I trust my husband 100% and I know I was sick. If he said I did something, I did even if I cannot remember.

I would recommend reading a few books about the disorder to understand it better. It really helped me out. I liked 'Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder'. Every chapter explains the disorder and also gives friends and family ways to cope and support their loved ones.

I hope this helps a little. Everyone is different and I hope you find what works for you and your family. Blessings for peace.

Hi Trying to understan. I'm not sure I'd call such memory issues necessarily "normal". You, yourself, stated the "normal" range of memory issues, but some others are definitely caused or made more severe by stress. I have learned that there are numerous potential causes for memory issues, with anxiety/stress up there as one of the biggest. Beyond just alcohol blackouts, there are dissociative blackouts, manic or severe depressive blackouts, trauma-type blackouts, and general memory issues relating to normal stress, distractability, and personal denial, just to name a few. I think there are even some people who are prone to making up stories or lies, and eventually even believing them themselves. It's possible that in at least one of the cases you described, the person lied about what they did/didn't remember. It's hard to say.

I have stories of major memory issues due to various triggers. I've witnessed memory issues in people I love. Such memory issues may not be "normal", but they're definitely not uncommon.

I agree with what others have posted.

You mention Drugs ??? It is LITERALLY impossible to find stability while street drugs, abusing prescription drugs or alcohol is going on.

As for her using the word “ suicide” sure some people toss that word around for effect or attention but I caution you if she’s using drugs , alcohol or can’t get them ..anything can happen. The idea of ignoring chicken little and the sky is falling ...one day the sky is likely going to fall unless she gets herself healthy and that means medication, no street drugs or alcohol and working very hard with a Therapist to learn how to regulate anger.

What she is doing to you is mental Abuse and throwing a wine bottle hard enough to go through a wall ?? That physical abuse she could easily have hit you or your children with that bottle.

I advise you to start taking action to keep yourself and children safe. The lasting negative effect on children of fighting arguing parents lets them think that it’s okay to have a relationship just like good ole mom and dad.

Good luck

Besides what others have said, in reading I had to wonder if this is her behavior on a regular basis or episodic. If it is an all the time thing, you may be dealing with a personality issue as well (we can't diagnose of course, just that with bipolar, it wouldn't be a constant). Has this been how she is since you've known her? I have to wonder about drugs too. People can be very sneaky, I know from first hand experience of not knowing for many months that someone very close to me was using.

Best of luck to you.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Hi, i am sorry you have been going through so much.

It's my opinion that much of this behavior id due to a condition other than BP.

I cannot diagnose. However, I will say that you might want to look further into a "personality disorder."

I totally agree with the suggestion that you keep the children and yourself very safe and away from any kind of abuse. It sounds like there is, in the least, some verbal abuse and some emotional abuse. There is quite likely other types of abuse going on. (You might benefit from doing an internet search on abuse and the "Power Wheel," which explains various types of abuse.)

I hope all of you can soon live in a much more sane world, pronto!
It will take time to get things together, etc.

Best wishes to you and to Yours!