3am

It's three AM and I'm tired, but awake. I lay here, feeling like I fooled myself again, I fooled them again, yet I'm a fool. Talked to both of my psych team today and they both think I'm doing better, but that's because I want to do better. But I'm not.
I twisted my words, their words, others' words, to make it seem better, but I'm nowhere near better.
I'm crumbling inside, my focus is gone. F---! I hate how therapy feels. But I need validation. But there's none to be had.
I miss K. I miss her so gd bad but I know better than disturb her life again. I want L, but I don't want to disturb her life. I want to be ready to feel something Good again, but everything is going to the bottom around me.
Mom is much sicker than we thought. Her time is now very limited. I have no vehicle, because I can't do the repairs needed. R, my son, is very ill and will likely never get better and I'm not in a state to be able to help him. If I make it another month, it will be a miracle. A week more of dealing with all this seems overpowering.
I've heard all the reasons to hold on, but I'm not sure if I can believe them. When I'm alone, I cry, but around others I pretend so they don't worry. I fully understand the saying "my strength is in my weaknesses," for I'm very much a powerfully spent person that hasn't much left. It would take one honest, good moment to change me, but I can't find even one.
If I disappear, you know what happened. I hope that you forgive me and understand the limits of suffering.

I understand it must be really hard. I can relate to the ‘mask’ thing. I never (extremely rare atleast) show my feelings on the outside. I pretend. I don’t want to burden anyone with my illness- it is enough that I have this burden myself.

When I am down, everything seems pointless- I can’t seem to get a grip on this «new and better future», it just seem to never happen. And it repeats itself over and over- and everytime I get even more down. Hibernation. I’ve spend almost six months like that, asking myself the same questions.

But one day the chemicals in the brain change, the sad thing are we don’t see it until we are there.
If you can’t hang on by yourself, ask for adjustment in medication or something? I find it hard to tell people I’m struggling- so every time I am in danger I tell my doc I need to have some medication. I am in need of a vacation from my own brain, it’s killing me. I think he knows what I’m hiding behind the mask. He helps me cope.

I don’t know you, and I have been in hibernation for a long time. But I think I have said it before: I really like you and your point of views. I sooo wish for you to experience joy and better days. I am certain you are a smart and awesome person. Try to let someone get a peek behind the mask, just enough for them to help you.

Hang on please, ask for help please. Having just spent months in that state it really feels heartbreaking reading you are stuck in that place. Darn this illness and the spells it puts on our minds.

Please stay safe. Please reach out to someone if you are low on strength. Even strong people gets tired after fighting for a long time.

You're going through SO MUCH, SorryShaped! I'm SO SORRY Please hang in there. I completely agree with Cornucopia's wise and wonderful words. You won't suffer for eternity. Things can and will get better at some point. I'm sure of that. Just try to do your best like you're already doing right now and take things day by day, step by step. I know it's hard to believe in a better future. It will come though. Hang in there. Let us know if we can do something to help. Even if it's just listening to what you have to say. We'll be here for you. You can count on us. I promise you that. Please DO NOT give up. You ARE IMPORTANT and you know that. It's hard to put up masks with others and I can ABSOLUTELY relate. Definitely call your Doctors or anyone else that may help you if you feel like it's getting too much for you. There's no shame in asking for help. ABSOLUTELY no shame. It isn't easy but you can do this. You're a strong person. I know you are. PLEASE hang in there. We'll be here for you. THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, SorryShaped, and to your family!

Hey hun , how’s today ?

Are you ok tonight?

Not ok. I'm not able to cope with everything going on. I went to a 4th of July party yesterday and felt terrible. I forced appearance and it made me feel worse. I ended up sitting by myself and waiting for it to be over.

Oh hun , I’m so sorry I wish I had some magic words for you keep posting if it’s helping you to manage k?

Hi! how are you today? Would it be possible to reveal a bit to someone of how bad you feel. Maybe not completely the whole burden, but just saying that you are ill and have trouble going through this?
Keep posting

It's another 3am and I'm awake. I told someone, an internet friend, and she had no words for me. I mean to say, she did take my words in and listen, and that was all. I'm really not able to talk about this any more. I've lost the desire to get strength. I'm empty. Done. It's pointless anyway

I use an old fashioned term for three am. I call it the witching hour. I read Ray Bradbury's "Something wicked this way comes" and he quotes Shakespeare: "By the pricking of my thumbs something wicked this way comes!". But he described insomnia and the desperate hour of 3am.

Finally caught up on some of the sleep I've been missing. I feel a little better physically. I'm still not ok mentally.
Mom is getting worse. I don't know what to think about it, or at all.
L is still stuck in my head, and I'm not happy about it but can't help it. H is too, but I've never been around her.
It's time to do the dishes and try to relax again. I'm going to bed very early tonight

I’m really glad you got some sleep. Go easy on yourself hun !