[yellow_fleurs]

Well today was okay actually. It started off kind of dark, but then I had some coffee that pepped me up and was successful at work and that sort of got me out of my mental rumination place. So woohoo I'll take it. Tomorrow I am getting up very early to garden, then maybe I'll relax at the pool or something. I need to be social so my brain doesn't get too wonky. More than a couple days alone with my thoughts leads to rabbit holes and I don't need that.

[Unrigged64072835]

And the hits keep coming...

So my husband fell down the stairs yesterday. He only jammed his right thumb and had carpet burn in a couple of spots. He didn't tumble, he kind of slid down them. He was also carrying some large bolsters so they softened the landing. So so grateful he only had minor injuries and he's doing okay.

Today we've been taking it easy and riding out the heat wave for the time being. Trying to do things that generate heat early in the day. Those bolsters are for covering the top of our light blocking curtains, to darken the room more and keep heat from coming out the top. Not worth falling down the stairs for but okay...

Needless to say our next house will only have one level!

Lots of love to you all!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

WC I am so sorry. Are you able to keep a safe distance from him yet? Do you have enough support right now, like could you use more frequent therapy sessions or something? Take good care of yourself if you can! Give yourself all the compassion and pampering you can.

Hi!

Thanks for your concern.

I have not seen HIM since I've told him to leave, approx 6 weeks ago now.
I had told him to leave, based upon some "accidental" findings.

I have talked with him a couple of times. It does not go well, because he keeps lying to me. I catch him in blatant lies and he becomes even more angry.

We have texted a little. It is usually very short and to the point.

It is all very strange. He is VERY angry with ME!!!
It's just unbelievable. He must be mad at me for "finding out" and for making him leave?

After he had left, there were more and more findings.
It was like a constant flow of findings, each one quite a surprise.
I had reached a point where I had thought it would be "quiet," and... suddenly, there was more! I could not believe it! And so, the very last, to date, was yesterday. It popped up, right in my face.

I see my pdoc, who is also my tdoc, once a week. She is on vacation right now. I can reach her if there is an emergency.

The "nature" of some of is "activities" are a HUGE trigger for me. This is why the dissociation, I believe.

Thanks, again for your support and your concern!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

And the hits keep coming...

So my husband fell down the stairs yesterday. He only jammed his right thumb and had carpet burn in a couple of spots. He didn't tumble, he kind of slid down them. He was also carrying some large bolsters so they softened the landing. So so grateful he only had minor injuries and he's doing okay.

Today we've been taking it easy and riding out the heat wave for the time being. Trying to do things that generate heat early in the day. Those bolsters are for covering the top of our light blocking curtains, to darken the room more and keep heat from coming out the top. Not worth falling down the stairs for but okay...

Needless to say our next house will only have one level!

Lots of love to you all!

Oh no!

That must have been scary, for both of you!

I, too, am glad the injuries are much less than they could have been.

I am sure the heat greatly bothers your H.
Please stay cool and well!!!

Much Love ~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Well today was okay actually. It started off kind of dark, but then I had some coffee that pepped me up and was successful at work and that sort of got me out of my mental rumination place. So woohoo I'll take it. Tomorrow I am getting up very early to garden, then maybe I'll relax at the pool or something. I need to be social so my brain doesn't get too wonky. More than a couple days alone with my thoughts leads to rabbit holes and I don't need that.

It is a blessing that you know yourself enough to realize what is helpful to you!
I hope you have a great day tomorrow. Stay cool!

[fern46]

Hey WC, just curious... What happens to you when you dissociate? Where do you go? Do you have an alter personality? Do you ever recover memories of what you were doing while you were dissociated?

I experienced what I think was dissociation during my psychotic episode. I blacked out for a lot of it, but there were times when I felt like I was outside of myself watching myself. It reminded me of dreaming. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm still trying to understand it.

ETA, please don't answer me if it makes you uncomfortable at all. I'm just trying to better understand how dissociation works and you're one of the few people I know who has experienced it.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hey WC, just curious... What happens to you when you dissociate? Where do you go? Do you have an alter personality? Do you ever recover memories of what you were doing while you were dissociated?

I experienced what I think was dissociation during my psychotic episode. I blacked out for a lot of it, but there were times when I felt like I was outside of myself watching myself. It reminded me of dreaming. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I'm still trying to understand it.

ETA, please don't answer me if it makes you uncomfortable at all. I'm just trying to better understand how dissociation works and you're one of the few people I know who has experienced it.

Hi Fern!

I'm happy to try to answer your questions. My current pdoc and I are trying to figure this out more. I have had pdocs I have never told about "blackouts" and they'd had no idea. Some of this can be quite problematic/inconvenient.

I do not know of where I go.

I refer to it as a "blackout," mostly because I do not recall anything in a given period of time.

I have had episodes of being outside of my body; I have had those types of episodes since was a young child. I used to float up to the ceiling and see everyone/everything from there. I have had other types of episodes when I feel outside of my body.

Do I have an alter personality? Not that I know of. These notes I write are quite strange. I really do not know what to make of them. I have no recall.

For instance, I might call the pharmacy to see if my meds are ready for pick-up? And then.... the pharmacist tells me I had already been there this afternoon, had picked up my meds and had a long chat with the pharmacist. It was all news to me! I had no idea!

Once this year, I'd called my pdoc on a Monday, frantically apologizing for having missed my appt with her on Friday. Trouble is... I WAS at my appt with her on Friday! I still know nothing about it. In that case, I had lost the whole day.

I sometimes lose a few consecutive days. This is increasingly prevalent these days. I have been missing 4-5 days a week.

I might be here, writing away and nothing gives it away...to myself or to anyone.

I am usually up and around, sometimes going "downtown" to have some fun or running errands, etc. Everything must be on "autopilot!" I do fine; yet, have no recall.

I use a lot of notes, trying to provide some glue to hold the pieces together.

I can be involved in major life decisions and can have no recall.

If I am "mildly" dissociated, I might have a small amount of recall when fed info by my pdoc or by someone.

I often have a bag or two of items, maybe clothing, maybe electronics, etc, and I have absolutely no idea as to how that bag has gotten into my closet or my bedroom, etc. If I do not look in the bag, I have no idea what is in the bag.
Sometimes, the clothing is something I would never pick out.

There is a dissociation forum here. It's not very active. Some people show up every now and again. People like me!!!

Please let me know if i can clarify anything. You may also PM me anytime.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Fern!

I'm happy to try to answer your questions. My current pdoc and I are trying to figure this out more. I have had pdocs I have never told about "blackouts" and they'd had no idea. Some of this can be quite problematic/inconvenient.

I do not know of where I go.

I refer to it as a "blackout," mostly because I do not recall anything in a given period of time.

I have had episodes of being outside of my body; I have had those types of episodes since was a young child. I used to float up to the ceiling and see everyone/everything from there. I have had other types of episodes when I feel outside of my body.

Do I have an alter personality? Not that I know of. These notes I write are quite strange. I really do not know what to make of them. I have no recall.

For instance, I might call the pharmacy to see if my meds are ready for pick-up? And then.... the pharmacist tells me I had already been there this afternoon, had picked up my meds and had a long chat with the pharmacist. It was all news to me! I had no idea!

Once this year, I'd called my pdoc on a Monday, frantically apologizing for having missed my appt with her on Friday. Trouble is... I WAS at my appt with her on Friday! I still know nothing about it. In that case, I had lost the whole day.

I sometimes lose a few consecutive days. This is increasingly prevalent these days. I have been missing 4-5 days a week.

I might be here, writing away and nothing gives it away...to myself or to anyone.

I am usually up and around, sometimes going "downtown" to have some fun or running errands, etc. Everything must be on "autopilot!" I do fine; yet, have no recall.

I use a lot of notes, trying to provide some glue to hold the pieces together.

I can be involved in major life decisions and can have no recall.

If I am "mildly" dissociated, I might have a small amount of recall when fed info by my pdoc or by someone.

There is a dissociation forum here. It's not very active. Some people show up every now and again. People like me!!!

Please let me know if i can clarify anything. You may also PM me anytime.

Thank you so much for sharing. I am amazed at how calm you are given the fact you are losing entire days at a time. Assuming this happened in the past week or so, you always seemed your thoughtful and caring self while writing to others here. It must be strange to 'wake up' again and read what you've written.

My behavior was abhorrent during my blackouts. Pieces of it have returned to me, usually right after waking from a dream, and I cry every time I remember something new. I think it is a blessing you are behaving so well even though you cannot recall it. Whoever I turned into was a dark and scary confused person who is the opposite of everything I am. My autopilot felt evil and I have no idea how it happened. The parts when I was watching myself were very strange. I was thinking about my actions for the first time after they happened. It was like my body was a puppet and I wasn't the one controlling it. The actions were so foreign to me.

If your therapist notices you are dissociating, can she bring you out of that state while you're there with her? My husband tried to pull me out of the state I was in over and over but I was relentless. He finally had to call 911 and I was taken away to the hospital. I put him through utter Hell.

My mother was psychotic once and doesn't remember a lot of it. I stayed with her the night it was the worst and she kept shifting between personalities. One of her sides was quite dark and scary. The other was disoriented and afraid. It was chilling and heartbreaking to watch. I imagine my husband felt kinda like I did then.

Thanks again for your reply. It helps to have someone to talk to about what happened. My therapist is trying to help, but I respectfully told her the other day she could probably never truly understand what this feels like without experiencing it first hand. Maybe I'll start a thread about this soon.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi!

Thanks for your concern.

I have not seen HIM since I've told him to leave, approx 6 weeks ago now.
I had told him to leave, based upon some "accidental" findings.

I have talked with him a couple of times. It does not go well, because he keeps lying to me. I catch him in blatant lies and he becomes even more angry.

We have texted a little. It is usually very short and to the point.

It is all very strange. He is VERY angry with ME!!!
It's just unbelievable. He must be mad at me for "finding out" and for making him leave?

After he had left, there were more and more findings.
It was like a constant flow of findings, each one quite a surprise.
I had reached a point where I had thought it would be "quiet," and... suddenly, there was more! I could not believe it! And so, the very last, to date, was yesterday. It popped up, right in my face.

I see my pdoc, who is also my tdoc, once a week. She is on vacation right now. I can reach her if there is an emergency.

The "nature" of some of is "activities" are a HUGE trigger for me. This is why the dissociation, I believe.

Thanks, again for your support and your concern!

What a nightmare! And to be so triggering for you, too. Sending compassion.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Hey, all.
Not sure what to say. I was trying to fill out a survey for my local town's civic architecture and public space usage, but couldn't make any decisions. That's a sign of depression for me, indecision.

On the other hand, I finally got to the store to buy some arachnicide. I have several large black widow spiders living around the outside of our house. I've sprayed and killed two already. Huzzah!

So, to all of you: may your public space be ample and the arachnids be dead.

I am not a fan of spiders either and I hallucinate them quite a bit.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

Thank you so much for sharing. I am amazed at how calm you are given the fact you are losing entire days at a time. Assuming this happened in the past week or so, you always seemed your thoughtful and caring self while writing to others here. It must be strange to 'wake up' again and read what you've written.

My behavior was abhorrent during my blackouts. Pieces of it have returned to me, usually right after waking from a dream, and I cry every time I remember something new. I think it is a blessing you are behaving so well even though you cannot recall it. Whoever I turned into was a dark and scary confused person who is the opposite of everything I am. My autopilot felt evil and I have no idea how it happened. The parts when I was watching myself were very strange. I was thinking about my actions for the first time after they happened. It was like my body was a puppet and I wasn't the one controlling it. The actions were so foreign to me.

If your therapist notices you are dissociating, can she bring you out of that state while you're there with her? My husband tried to pull me out of the state I was in over and over but I was relentless. He finally had to call 911 and I was taken away to the hospital. I put him through utter Hell.

My mother was psychotic once and doesn't remember a lot of it. I stayed with her the night it was the worst and she kept shifting between personalities. One of her sides was quite dark and scary. The other was disoriented and afraid. It was chilling and heartbreaking to watch. I imagine my husband felt kinda like I did then.

Thanks again for your reply. It helps to have someone to talk to about what happened. My therapist is trying to help, but I respectfully told her the other day she could probably never truly understand what this feels like without experiencing it first hand. Maybe I'll start a thread about this soon.

Thanks! I am a very calm person much of the time. When my new pdoc was first getting to know me, she was very surprised with how calm I am and with how my presence calms her. She's VERY bright, but initially has a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to things. Lol! Many people tell me the same. i DO get irritable though... and that is a sign for me that it is time for a med adjustment or something.

I do not recall ever having had an "episode" in which I had done something that I had considered "dark." Please know that I am not judging you by writing this. I can be more calm because I have not, yet, had the experience you have had. Perhaps?

That said, I absolutely believe -- and know -- we all have our "light"
and our "dark" sides. We are all guilty of this! At times, anyone of us might show more/some of our days of sharing reservations.

I do think it's tough for anyone to know what this might be like. It's so very tough to experience, and to describe.

A thread on this would likely be quite interesting. Thank you so much again.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am trying to get through the day today after another very rough night.


I have"stumbled upon" more info about H's "activities." I had known enough already and have not been motivated to find more. I guess this is how my"discoveries" had begun, quite by accident, that is.


Am having lots of night terrors and some flashbacks.


I continue to lose time, even though I look fine and act okay. I have NEVER been in any "trouble" for anything I have done while dissociated. Most people never know I am/have been dissociated in their company, even those I know quite well. My current pdoc can sometimes tell; yet, most times, not.


If you get a note from me and it is "scrambled," don't be alarmed and please let me know. I have written quite a few that were never sent because I "came to" in time and saw the gibberish. It is so bizarre, the messages that is, they make me laugh. Maybe sad, but very true. I bust a gut!!!


I might be dissociated right now, I dunno.

I'll know more about this in a few hours or in a day or so.


A couple of notes like this have made it to a friend or two.

I do not always do this when experiencing dissociation. This is a new, different flavor of dissociation for me. I hope it stops soon!


I hope everyone is staying cool and is having a great Friday!!!


Love to All ~

I am so sorry you keep finding more and more things I think eventually you will reach the bottom of this disgusting mess.

Losing times is something I know all to well.

Your posts are fine hun, keep them coming

Love ya

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

And the hits keep coming...


So my husband fell down the stairs yesterday. He only jammed his right thumb and had carpet burn in a couple of spots. He didn't tumble, he kind of slid down them. He was also carrying some large bolsters so they softened the landing. So so grateful he only had minor injuries and he's doing okay.


Today we've been taking it easy and riding out the heat wave for the time being. Trying to do things that generate heat early in the day. Those bolsters are for covering the top of our light blocking curtains, to darken the room more and keep heat from coming out the top. Not worth falling down the stairs for but okay...


Needless to say our next house will only have one level!


Lots of love to you all!

Thank goodness he wasn’t seriously hurt.

I have always wanted a 2 story home but with my husbands neuropathy in his feet and legs so bad stairs would be just asking for a disaster to happen.

I have kept every blind and window dressings closed, this heat is horrible.

Stay cool

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have kept every blind and window dressings closed, this heat is horrible.

Stay cool

We must have gotten lucky down here. It’s rained on and off for several days (including today) and that has kept the temps in the low to upper 80’s. Otherwise it would be miserable. I hope you stay cool.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

We must have gotten lucky down here. It’s rained on and off for several days (including today) and that has kept the temps in the low to upper 80’s. Otherwise it would be miserable. I hope you stay cool.

The last 3 or so days we have had quite a bit of rain, today has been screaming sun an inch from my head.
but the humidity has been horrible at times, that really gives my husband a really hard time breathing. Earlier today he took the dogs out to the pasture and loaded up a few garbage cans in the truck and came back in struggling to breath.

This is why when he talks of us moving back to Florida I have to remind him living down there for those 8 months had him on oxygen more than just at night.

I just wish it was Fall 10 months of the year , spring 1 month and 1 month of winter because I have super cute winter clothes LOL

We have to make a trip down next month and I’m dreading it. The traffic, rude people, pollution heat and humidity just sets me on edge so bad.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The last 3 or so days we have had quite a bit of rain, today has been screaming sun an inch from my head.
but the humidity has been horrible at times, that really gives my husband a really hard time breathing. Earlier today he took the dogs out to the pasture and loaded up a few garbage cans in the truck and came back in struggling to breath.

This is why when he talks of us moving back to Florida I have to remind him living down there for those 8 months had him on oxygen more than just at night.

I just wish it was Fall 10 months of the year , spring 1 month and 1 month of winter because I have super cute winter clothes LOL

We have to make a trip down next month and I’m dreading it. The traffic, rude people, pollution heat and humidity just sets me on edge so bad.

I’m glad your husband is okay.

Lol! I stay so hot that my spring clothes ARE my winter clothes.

I’ve been thinking of you and your upcoming trip. I hope it goes better then you think it will. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

No sign of my package.

I think it's gone forever. I think someone took it or it was misdelivered.

If this happens for a third time, I guess I'll get a P.O. box if there's one available. However, it's not ideal because the size I want (approx 1 foot by 1 foot square) is $540 a year, but on the upside, at least my packages won't be missing. I mean, some of the things I buy are unique, so it's not like I can just order another one...

Otherwise, doing okay. No problems as of late. Just sleepy. I think I'm tired from oversleeping, though.

@Wild Coyote, I wanted to share that I can relate to some of what you wrote, in terms of dissociation. I had a period when this was an issue for me. In my case, it happened in conjunction with maladaptive daydreaming, an issue that I have also managed to get past.

As part of my past dissociation, I did have some periods of amnesia (or blackouts) though not nearly to the degree that you describe you have. I have had longer term blackouts in the past, but they were during severe manias and manias with mixed features. Are both manic blackouts and dissociative blackouts (when not in a bipolar episode) similar or basically the same thing? I don't know. Do you? I had 10 psych hospitalizations years back, but swear I only remember five or six.

I wrote a blog article in the past about depersonalization and derealization. Much of it would be nothing you don't already know. But I will share a bit of it below. Only my personal experiences. Note: What I describe below happened during a period when I doubt I was manic or clearly depressed. I do believe I was wrestling with past trauma then.

"Although I’ve never received a diagnosis of depersonalization/derealization disorder, both my psychiatrist and psychologist have acknowledged I’ve experienced both on occasions to somewhat distressing levels. During times of great stress, particularly sudden moments of stress, I have had various experiences that included thinking I was observing myself from the outside, actually seeing my body walking briskly away (in a panic) and even by some means knew which way to go. I’ve had experiences when I thought I saw people doing or saying things (hallucinations of sorts) I later realized were impossible and also absurd. At other times, I thought I said things only to find out later, from the person I had been with, I hadn’t.

These occasions almost seemed like optical illusions of distortions, whose absurdity I realized soon after. Typically, my mind would suddenly go blank right afterwards as if I experienced some sort of amnesia. I’d drive home, and after an hour or so, suddenly realize what might have happened. But, sometimes, I had my doubts along the lines “Did that happen? Or not?” On more than one occasion, I actually called the person I had been with, and flat out asked about the “event”. One time, I was with a person and later realized I had sort of blacked out for minutes at a time. I remembered what I said (or what was said) right before the black out, and immediately after. What I said in between is still a mystery. That particular event was especially distressing."

[Wild Coyote]

Hi BirdDancer,

Thanks so much for sharing!

I am currently on my phone. I will reply further when I can access a computer.

I hope you are having a good day!

[yellow_fleurs]

BirdDancer can I ask how you got past the maladaptive daydreaming? I do daydream a lot, it's not always to get out of a stressful situation or anything, just the way my brain has always worked since I was a kid. My dad used to tell me to stop daydreaming when I was a kid. I also don't know when it becomes daydreaming, I am sometimes just thinking up a plot for a story, analyzing a situation, running through a song in my head. Things get busy, but it's hard for me to imagine it being quieter than that, I sort of assumed everyone's head was this busy until I realized when my therapist would ask me what I had just thought of that it might be a bunch of things nearly at the same time haha. Although, sometimes I cannot think of a single thought if I am feeling tired or depressed.