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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 05:40 PM
  #41
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Originally Posted by sadveiledbride View Post
I feel okay today. Sort of odd. Which I'm not sure what to make of.
Enjoy it and remember it so you can remind yourself the next time you are down that there are times when you feel this way too. I hope it lasts for a while. You deserve a break.
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 07:09 PM
  #42
Hey WC,

Thanks for your good advise. I was texting with this male friend today and decided against raising my concern that way. Better to do it in person. I don't see him that often, maybe every few weeks, sometimes longer, so it will give me some time to chill. He is a good person so it is more that his boundaries were weak enough for him to leak out somethings he shouldn't have said.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. The only suggestion I have is to really focus on how to minimize communication with him, while at the same time meeting your needs. It seems like he is feeding off your interactions, your upset and your desire to try to work things out no matter how unreasonable and threatening he is. Doing more of what you are doing is not going to improve his behavior toward you.

I once read a long time ago a short book called 'Getting to Yes'. The key thing I remember is that in any negotiation one should always have in mind BATNA "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement". What is your BATNA? What will you do if you can't negotiate with him?

There is another topic I have read about dealing with disordered people when no contact is not a possibility. It is called "Grey Rock". See for instance; The Gray Rock Method Of Dealing With A Narcissist When No Contact Isn’t An Option


If he has frozen you out of accounts and you have no access to money I really think you need to get a lawyer asap.

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Heart Jul 06, 2019 at 09:11 PM
  #43
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Originally Posted by tecomsin View Post
Hey WC,

Thanks for your good advise. I was texting with this male friend today and decided against raising my concern that way. Better to do it in person. I don't see him that often, maybe every few weeks, sometimes longer, so it will give me some time to chill. He is a good person so it is more that his boundaries were weak enough for him to leak out somethings he shouldn't have said.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. The only suggestion I have is to really focus on how to minimize communication with him, while at the same time meeting your needs. It seems like he is feeding off your interactions, your upset and your desire to try to work things out no matter how unreasonable and threatening he is. Doing more of what you are doing is not going to improve his behavior toward you.

I once read a long time ago a short book called 'Getting to Yes'. The key thing I remember is that in any negotiation one should always have in mind BATNA "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement". What is your BATNA? What will you do if you can't negotiate with him?

There is another topic I have read about dealing with disordered people when no contact is not a possibility. It is called "Grey Rock". See for instance; The Gray Rock Method Of Dealing With A Narcissist When No Contact Isn’t An Option


If he has frozen you out of accounts and you have no access to money I really think you need to get a lawyer asap.
BINGO! I know this is right on! THANK YOU!!!
VERY INSIGHTFUL!!!

I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD NIGHT!

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Trig Jul 06, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #44
Possible trigger:

Last edited by atisketatasket; Jul 06, 2019 at 10:40 PM.. Reason: Added triggers for sexual violence
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 10:21 PM
  #45
I've been a bit tired lately but it's probably because I've been keeping so busy. Have been actually feeling pretty calm and happy the last couple of days. It's been awhile since I've felt like this and I don't quite trust it but I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 11:49 PM
  #46
I’m so damn upset right now, I was having a great ******* night and then some stupid **** happened, now I’m back to right where I ******* was.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 12:18 AM
  #47
Tonight was the second night in a row we went to evening concerts. Because of that, I didn't take my evening meds until 11 pm, instead of my usual 7 pm. That throws off my sleep. Both last night and tonight I was up past 1 am. Even though I take Seroquel XR, it still takes three to five hours to be tired enough to fall asleep. 7 pm is ideal for taking my evening meds. Once asleep, I sleep well, but I need eight to nine hours sleep on my Seroquel XR. This morning, I couldn't get up until 10 am.
 
 
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 02:27 AM
  #48
I just woke up out of bed, I just feel so worthless, I better go back to bed alone.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 02:48 AM
  #49
It’s early yet to see if Vraylar is working. Started taking it Tuesday. Yesterday was so bad that I had to go to bed at 5:30 pm for my own safety. I’m working on neuroplasticity where you retrain your brain to form different neural pathways (to stop the SI). Very slow going and seeing no progress as yet. Tired of the seesaw and feeling foolish that I’m not controlling this better.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 05:01 AM
  #50
I'm aggravated about the weight I've gained and the ridiculous hunger even after I eat. I'm trying hard to lose the extra lbs. I'm doing great mentally though

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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 05:40 AM
  #51
I'm doing alright/so-so.

I've been working all weekend on a project that my boss wants me to submit for a conference talk in California, but I don't want to go to California! I hate traveling! Hell, I don't even like going to work, and that's only 20 mins away. I just get anxiety every time I get in a car or go on a plane. And the earthquakes don't help, considering the conference is where the earthquakes are/were. (I think there are more to come?)

On another note, I didn't sleep well last night. "Went to bed" at 8pm, but didn't fall asleep until like 9:30pm. Then I woke up at 3am and I've been exhausted, but I couldn't go back to sleep and still can't go back to sleep. I'm a zombie. ugh. Just one of those days...
 
 
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 08:27 AM
  #52
Went to bed at 11.45 and got up at 4.45. Not tired. Still depressed.
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Heart Jul 07, 2019 at 09:34 AM
  #53
Extremely wiped out.
Can barely function.
Far too much stress for far too long.

Love to All ~

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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 09:43 AM
  #54
I just had a shower. I smell better after mowing the yard yesterday in 90F heat.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #55
We are doing a museum day today. Tomorrow we head home. I'm not looking forward to this coming week. I'll be attending my uncle's funeral. Obviously that's a sad event, but also a little stressful. I'll see relatives and others I haven't seen for ages. It's awkward because I hadn't seen my uncle for years even though he lived down the street from my dad. I had become estranged from him and was never close to his wife. His daughter has a sad past of addiction and imprisonments. I don't even really know her children. I only remember the names of two of her three children.
 
 
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Heart Jul 07, 2019 at 10:33 AM
  #56
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
We are doing a museum day today. Tomorrow we head home. I'm not looking forward to this coming week. I'll be attending my uncle's funeral. Obviously that's a sad event, but also a little stressful. I'll see relatives and others I haven't seen for ages. It's awkward because I hadn't seen my uncle for years even though he lived down the street from my dad. I had become estranged from him and was never close to his wife. His daughter has a sad past of addiction and imprisonments. I don't even really know her children. I only remember the names of two of her three children.
Museums can be so interesting!
I hope you have a safe trip home.
I hope next week proves to be less stressful than you may be anticipating!

Thinking of you!

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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 10:47 AM
  #57
Feeling much better this morning. Floating in the pool on sunny days always helps. My mom, daughter and I are going to the market today where the theme is peaches. Looking forward to another gorgeous bouquet of flowers and ripe, juicy peaches.

I’ve been up since 9:55 pm last night but feel pretty good. Sleep always helps a bad day.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #58
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
This silents is going to kill me. I need to get over it before I meet my new T.
Possible trigger:
I can't H will see, then more meds and we know how that will go over with me. I already want to stop meds and sink, this is really, really uncomfortable and I've lost my words to explain it. Just typing this so far took over an hour. I may cut my hair. I'm not taking care of it.. I want to do other "not the smartest ideas" but they may lead to me actually being hospitalized. So those are out too. I'm generally in a self destructive mood today. Being alone today is not the best idea but I hate to bother H. If I actually talk about what I'm thinking I may risk an early pdoc or hospitalization. Which I'm vehemently against because that means more meds.
Possible trigger:
. So I wont. I know if I hold on I will get through this. That the bad ideas will pass and I don't need to tell anyone to babysit me or worry. Plus then I actually have to talk and he might tattle to pdoc tomorrow when he sees her.
I’m sorry you are struggling through this. I hope you feel better soon. Please stay safe even if that means telling someone.
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 11:45 AM
  #59
Well I feel like hammered poop today. Mentally and physically.

Seems today is being rough on many of us

Hugs and cookies to everyone

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Heart Jul 07, 2019 at 12:05 PM
  #60
(Please do not move this. I hope it can stay here? I am sharing a lot. I need support and I am most familiar with my friends here in this forum. It is also a cautionary tale, and encouragement, to people with disabilities if/when experiencing abuse and/or feeling powerless. Thank you! )


I am going to need a lot of help around the house, with errands and more.
H used to help out. (He is doing the opposite now.)

I have been disabled for 35 years now. I am often needing some kind of help with everyday tasks, even without the added stress. In those 35 years, I have never been entirely alone. (H, alone, has been with me for 27 years.) My various conditions have progressed.

I'd also had a service animal -- a gorgeous German Shepherd. She has passed on. She was such a nice dog. (My H used to rant and rave about how much he "hated" her, even when she was an adorable little pup. Who hates little puppies? She was soooo well-trained.) So strange -- his response to her.

I have been so stressed (by what H has been doing to me), I have been in severe pain and have been wiped out. I have needed extra medication, which means more side-effects, as well. Emotional abuse, mental cruelty, whatever one wants to call it, is very stressful., so very demoralizing. So many of these spouses try to intimidate and perform controlling and/or "punishing" actions..

In truth, he used to dole out a lot of mental cruelty. Ranting and raving, making me very, very afraid of him. He used to blame his bipolar illness; however, I have now learned that IF there is any witness, he will not conduct himself that way, at all. I had no say in anything and if I did differ with him, politely, he'd threaten divorce and/or make some other passive-aggressive move., which was very punishing and/or meant to be very intimidating, even verbally threatening to seriously harm (or worse) our highly trained dogs.

My elderly mom has been helping me with transportation since I have asked him to leave. I am currently on too many meds and will not drive if I feel I am impaired. She also does the grocery shopping, etc., etc. She is also wiped out due to the stress. She feels she is going to have a breakdown. Me, too.

Why did I stay married to him? Like any "abuser," they can be charming when not actively abusing. As I have mentioned, I have been disabled for many years. While I had disability income, it was not enough to survive. I had come to care about him. He is very likable and most people liked him very much. (little did they know.) He could be fun and compassionate, too. He'd showed his abusive side much more after we were married. I will admit there were some red flags prior to marriage, but I'd thought we could iron out the kinks. Silly me. And he had gone through an intensive program meant to rehab "abusers," due to his mental/emotional abuse tactics and his explosive and highly animated, very scary rants, etc. He seemed to be two separate people... each personality very different from the other. It was all very stressful and very confusing...overwhelming, in fact.

As a person with very real and multiple disabilities, I'd felt I was "over a barrel" much of the time. He played on this. I'd needed the help with errands and with household tasks. I'd needed the other benefits he'd provided (medical, dental, vision, etc.). I'd also cared about him, as strange as that might seem..We''d had a bond, despite the abuse. I'd also highly suspected he might make life a living hell if I'd ever filed for a divorce. (I was right about this.)

I did not think I would survive if I'd filed for a divorce...I'd thought he would get nasty, further intimidating and very unfair. I'd believed, as he had assured me, I would get nothing in the divorce settlement. I was too ill to fight it.

More recently, I had gotten fed up with all I have recently discovered and have been willing to take a chance on how everything would"shake out." I have learned that I am not left totally high and dry (financially), once the divorce is final. I am glad this is the case. I had decided I was better off, no matter what became of me after the divorce. Anything had to be better than being so emotionally abused, so controlled, so betrayed, over and over.

If you are disabled and in an abusive marriage, please take note. Please reach out to agencies and learn the truth about the law and your rights. (Each state has different laws governing "abuse," separation, divorce, alimony, child support, etc.) It is additionally helpful to gain some emotional support, as the process can be very trying.

So it is clear that I am now going to need help around the house and with many other tasks. This realization is somewhat humbling. However, overall, I am hoping things will be less stressful once things are settled and life returns to "normal."

I deeply appreciate the support given to me during this very difficult time. I cannot find the words to express my deepest gratitude.

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