[Wild Coyote]

Thank you, Jennifer and Innerzone! I deeply appreciate the sentiments. I know you'd both do whatever you could if we'd lived nearby. You each brighten my day by simply sharing about your lives. I am so very grateful for your support during this very trying time.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Had a real bad couple of days.

Reported my professor for being useless and all over the place, cause he well, IS.

Found out I was robbed $1200 from a Debt Consolidation company that's supposed to HELP not STEAL from people who are struggling. Had a total nervous breakdown and felt dizzy and almost fainted today due to the stress.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Hi LadyShadow!
I am so happy to see you! I am so sorry about all you have been through. I hope you can follow-up in small claims court. Who needs the headache!? I hope things work out for you!

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi LadyShadow!
I am so happy to see you! I am so sorry about all you have been through. I hope you can follow-up in small claims court. Who needs the headache!? I hope things work out for you!

Hey WC!!

Hope you've been well my friend! I know, I was in tears for like two days. It's awful what they do to poor people who are in debt trouble. Total extortion!!

But thanks, I am certainly going to small claims and then ruining their reputation. They don't deserve to be in business after what they've done.

Hope you're good tonight!!

[Daonnachd]

Hey, all.
Some of you will recall I work in a cemetery. Well, today I had a mother and daughter come in to sign off on a contract. In the course of conversation I learned the doctors are giving the mother 4-5 months to live. I feel compassion for both of them, but I also feel like it sort of puts things in perspective for me. Bipolar can be quite rough, but it's not 4-5 months.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Hey, all.
Some of you will recall I work in a cemetery. Well, today I had a mother and daughter come in to sign off on a contract. In the course of conversation I learned the doctors are giving the mother 4-5 months to live. I feel compassion for both of them, but I also feel like it sort of puts things in perspective for me. Bipolar can be quite rough, but it's not 4-5 months.

It's true! Thanks for helping to put things into perspective.
I hope you are feeling okay.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's true! Thanks for helping to put things into perspective.
I hope you are feeling okay.

I'm doing fair enough. Thanks for the hug.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Hey WC!!

Hope you've been well my friend! I know, I was in tears for like two days. It's awful what they do to poor people who are in debt trouble. Total extortion!!

But thanks, I am certainly going to small claims and then ruining their reputation. They don't deserve to be in business after what they've done.

Hope you're good tonight!!

You've brightened my night!
I get very concerned when you are away too long! I try to get a grip because sometimes you've been away and thriving!!!
You know I love you! I can't help it!

[TheSeaCat]

Hi all quick check in since tonight I am couch ridden. Every so often about every 2-3 months I will move just right and tweak me knee and have to give up the heels, chill with a heating pad, and take whatever prescription my doctor deems appropriate for it. I am pretty sure it's an old injury from cheerleading and every so often it wants to flare up. Doc decided to x-ray it after work to make sure it's not an old bone break; or the beginning of some form of arthritis, it wasn't any of them and the x-ray of my knee was perfect so he reasons it's tendinitis that flares up when it so chooses to. He told me to avoid heels for at least of the week, take the medication he gave for pain relief starting tomorrow, and do what I typically do when it acts up. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm an active person, which means that this could have been caused by anything I do on a day to day basis. Oh well it usually goes away as quickly as it showed up.

Other than my angry knee, I am doing okay slowly counting down the days until my vacation. It needs to hurry up and get here .

[Wander]

Not much happening. Feel the need to rest so have been laying low. Treating myself to a few beers tonight. I rarely drink. Feeling buzzed. A nice break from the grind.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Blue!
I think tapering your med is a great idea!
I hope it works out for you!

Thanks WC

It's working out well for me so far. No problems whatsoever. I'm just sick of being drugged up.

I know if I told this to my pdoc, he would flip, BUT I've never been given the chance to stay off an AP for a while to see how things go. I've always gone off cold turkey and had withdrawals. So hopefully this time, I won't have any withdrawals (or that they'll be minimal). I'm expecting 3-4 months until my head is clear again.

[Scooter9]

I had a couple of arguments with my wife.

She wants to get some work done around the house and I'm indifferent to the ideas. She says I don't show any joy about, or interest in the projects. She says she's happy for me when I do stuff and wants the same in return.

It's hard to pretend to be happy when I have been depressed for 19 months now. And it feels so insincere when I do fake it and I just don't have the interest to do that. So instead we argue about why I'm not happy.

Would have been easier to fake it.

[Jedi67]

had a solid night's sleep. feel clear and focused. may swing by the library today and grab some movies and blu rays. I think getting out would be good for me. no anxiety to speak of. had one cup of java. my limit is two per day. also no panic and I haven't had the need to take any klonopin this morning. I'm feeling ok. mood is good. no depression or mania. fingers crossed.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I had a couple of arguments with my wife.


She wants to get some work done around the house and I'm indifferent to the ideas. She says I don't show any joy about, or interest in the projects. She says she's happy for me when I do stuff and wants the same in return.


It's hard to pretend to be happy when I have been depressed for 19 months now. And it feels so insincere when I do fake it and I just don't have the interest to do that. So instead we argue about why I'm not happy.


Would have been easier to fake it.

19 months is a very long time to be depressed, maybe more Med changes are needed?? Or sometimes scrap them all and start a new plan with your Pdocs approval.

To fake it or not ..... what I have found that works the best for me and the people around me is to fake things, I can’t do it day in and day out of course. But many times while I’m faking it I can feel a flutter in me that reminds me I can be stable and enjoy life, it just takes the right combo of things, meds, T, selfcare etc.

Would your wife consider couples counseling? A safe place you can hash things out and come up with a game plan on how you both can find happiness together even if Bipolar is tearing its ugly head ? This doesn’t mean you have to cow down, it’s a marriage a partnership. Both people have to work on themselves too.

[Nammu]

My lenses came in, man what a difference! I can see! No more carrying around the magnifying glass. Four years is too long to wait between vision checks. It's much easier to read but walking and driving are werid.

Well, didn't do a whole lot of work today. I think it's because I'm feeling tired from not sleeping well. I figure I'll just have to wait things out with my meds. Things will fix themselves sooner or later anyway -- I hope.

Not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. I might drive into work tomorrow, on Friday, of all days. Like no one goes into the office on Fridays -- but I might just do it because I didn't get a whole lot done this week on my own in my apartment.

On a similar note, I'm overwhelmed with the MESS in my apartment and haven't made progress with that either. I have stuff scattered EVERYWHERE. It's overwhelming, and I'm only letting it get worse, too. Just lots and lots of opened (and a few unopened) boxes/packages. I also have to do laundry, which I haven't done in forever. And vacuuming... I don't remember doing it in at least a year. No exaggeration. I have to get my act together.

[wildflowerchild25]

Felt like **** this morning and all day. I woke up extremely irritable, which revolves into depression fairly quickly. Just no motivation to do anything. I did go to work so that’s good. I wanted to go back to bed. Then when I got home I wanted to lay in bed and let the world past me by, but I heard my therapist’s voice in my head chanting “opposite action, opposite action” so I went to the gym. I only rode the bike for twenty minutes instead of thirty, but it was something. And it did lift my mood a little.

Tomorrow my girl will not be at school so I will NOT be motivated to go in. But I need to save my personal and sick days for the regular school year if I don’t get the teaching job. Some days I just need a mental break, others my son is sick, etcetera etcetera. So I will go in no matter what shape I’m in in the morning.

RS didn’t get home until 9:30 last night and I was pining after him all night. It’s pathetic really, how attached I’ve become. Not good for me at all. But at least I don’t depend on him to handle my mental health. No, I look to him for comfort at times but I don’t expect him to fix everything. So that’s good I guess.

No motivation to cook dinner tonight but I have no money to go out. If RS is taking his friend to look at a truck, I will make Mac n cheese for me and my son. If he’s coming home I will make hamburgers, as RS is strange and does not like cheese not sure what to do for dinner tomorrow though. We usually go out but I don’t have the money to so unless RS pays again we can’t. And I don’t like making him pay two times ina row.

I was doing fairly well all day until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn't say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (my dad, politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow. I asked him if he'd give us some handyman advice. [He's much more talented at that than my husband.] So then I realized I had to buy some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. And of course I wanted to make a dessert, too. I had in mind what would be fairly easy and remembered he liked a particular espresso cake. So I set out for the grocery store. That did it.

As I wrote the other day, just as there is road rage, people in the grocery stores near me have "cart rage", including me, I'm afraid. There is never enough room in the aisles. They put stuff in the way, and people have a tendency to park their carts right smack in the middle of the aisles or on the side, while they stand blocking the other side. Well today there was a group of three people talking to each other, moving down the aisle at a snail's pace. I tried to be patient, but then it was too much. I said "Excuse me", but nothing. I said it even louder, and nothing. So when one of the jerks moved slightly over (probably not even to be nice), I rammed past him, making a real spectacle so that they knew I was annoyed by them. I know, I should have just turned around and walked my cart alllllllll the way around the other side and up...but I didn't. This whole scenario is not uncommon for people at the store, at all.

So on my way home in the car, I was fuming mad. Does anyone ever have fantasies about beating people up or having major league verbal fights with others? I get so worked up that I start yelling out loud what I'm fantasizing in my head. Of course in my angry fantasies I have a tenth degree black-belt in karate and/or am a major force to be reckoned with and/or grab anything nearby as my weapon (like a can of tomatoes). If I'm challenged, I roar the famous line "MAKE MY DAY!!!" with the fearsome look of a devil. Sometimes what's going on even shows itself physically or verbally in real life, such as clenching of my teeth, movements of my arms, anger on my face, and isolated growled words or phrases. Don't get me wrong, I have never fought with anyone physically in that way, but it races through my head. I wrote in another post, that when very manic, I have been violent, but towards things (or myself). Not others.

I got two root canals last Christmas. Both were in my front teeth. The endodontist said my teeth were as worn as that of an elderly person, even though I'm still in my 40s. The problem is my teeth clenching and grinding that happens on and off when experiencing high stress and irritability of various sorts. Way too frequently! I literally chip and wear my teeth down. Just this morning, I looked at my front two teeth in the mirror and they seemed even more worn down than I remember. On my way home from the store a bit ago, my teeth were hurting because of clenching.I believe that my clenching has even caused my teeth to shift to varying degrees.

As I walked with several bags of groceries through the garage, I knocked down a big box. It made a crashing noise landing upside down near my foot. Inside was a broken circular saw. Honestly! Then, of course, there were several boxes on the front porch. All my husband's purchases. I did expect one he ordered, but then the other two I had no clue about. One weighed a ton and had a label on the outside that read "Colder than ice". Of course I opened it up thinking that its contents could melt. Inside are about 30 or 40 unfrozen ice packs. Yes, that many! I had noticed that his ice packs were getting old and dirty, but why does he need to buy enough for 20 people's lunches?!?! He doesn't even have bipolar disorder -- believe me -- and yet the man is the hyperspender of the house, to my extreme frugality.

So...anyone who has read all of this, I'm sorry I put you through it. I just had to get it out.

P.S. I finally took a PRN Seroquel, a few minutes ago, after days of thinking that I should, but didn't. It really pisses me off! I was hoping that when I see my psychiatrist next week, that he could lower my base Seroquel XR. Instead, he's likely going to keep it the same, or make some kind of increase (Seroquel or Latuda, I assume).

My pdoc won't lower my meds for at least two months so I'm stopping them myself.**** her

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

19 months is a very long time to be depressed, maybe more Med changes are needed?? Or sometimes scrap them all and start a new plan with your Pdocs approval.

To fake it or not ..... what I have found that works the best for me and the people around me is to fake things, I can’t do it day in and day out of course. But many times while I’m faking it I can feel a flutter in me that reminds me I can be stable and enjoy life, it just takes the right combo of things, meds, T, selfcare etc.

Would your wife consider couples counseling? A safe place you can hash things out and come up with a game plan on how you both can find happiness together even if Bipolar is tearing its ugly head ? This doesn’t mean you have to cow down, it’s a marriage a partnership. Both people have to work on themselves too.

Always good practical advice Christina!

My pdoc is really conservative and she's been trying different meds during this time. Wellbutrin seems promising at the moment. Hopefully I'll see the end of this soon.

As for counseling, that's not in the cards. My wife doesn't believe in it. She used to be critical of me when I had a T, so there's no way that'll happen with her. We discussed it before and it wasn't happening then either.

Maybe I'll get out of this depression soon and no longer have to fake my way through stuff.

[yellow_fleurs]

I have a new plan for a project at work that I was stuck on, and am tackling it with renewed motivation. This seems to have me more focused in general in life and I am chugging along. I am feeling pretty good although a little bit irritable, anxious, distracted at times, plus I have not been good about going to bed on time and have stayed up too late and am lacking sleep the past 3 nights. However, I still feel pretty energetic surprisingly and not depressed or anything. I will try to do better with sleep tonight.
I am a bit sore after PT yesterday, but otherwise it's going well. We are going to start working towards seeing if we can get me running. I kind of doubt it but am glad he will help me try. I said I did not know what I could expect and he said none of them did because I'm kind of a "mystery" in terms of what is going on with me. I wonder if one day we'll solve this mystery, however after seeing so many doctors I doubt another one will have something new to say.

On another note I think I have a skin picking problem that got worse over the last year or so. So, that's something I need to get under control. I guess it's an anxiety coping mechanism.

Sending everyone compassion!