[Sunflower123]

I went by my NP’s office to get some samples of Vraylar and she had drawn me a pretty picture of a field with flowers on the bag. I thought that was a nice touch. She has also called to check on me with this med change twice. I’m still feeling things out.

I can barely see out of my right eye and I just got new contacts. Has anybody here had experience with cataracts? It seems to me that 52 is young for that kind of thing. I sincerely hope that’s all it is. Going to call a doctor about it tomorrow. It worries me.

Hugs to all.

[Nammu]

52 does seem young for it. I'm 60 and there's just a beginning of cataracts and the eye dr told me I don't have to worry yet. My oldest sister just had her first surgery at 71, and I think mum was in her 70's when she had her first surgery. My other sister is in her 60's and hasn't said anything.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Felt like **** this morning and all day. I woke up extremely irritable, which revolves into depression fairly quickly. Just no motivation to do anything. I did go to work so that’s good. I wanted to go back to bed. Then when I got home I wanted to lay in bed and let the world past me by, but I heard my therapist’s voice in my head chanting “opposite action, opposite action” so I went to the gym. I only rode the bike for twenty minutes instead of thirty, but it was something. And it did lift my mood a little.


Tomorrow my girl will not be at school so I will NOT be motivated to go in. But I need to save my personal and sick days for the regular school year if I don’t get the teaching job. Some days I just need a mental break, others my son is sick, etcetera etcetera. So I will go in no matter what shape I’m in in the morning.


RS didn’t get home until 9:30 last night and I was pining after him all night. It’s pathetic really, how attached I’ve become. Not good for me at all. But at least I don’t depend on him to handle my mental health. No, I look to him for comfort at times but I don’t expect him to fix everything. So that’s good I guess.


No motivation to cook dinner tonight but I have no money to go out. If RS is taking his friend to look at a truck, I will make Mac n cheese for me and my son. If he’s coming home I will make hamburgers, as RS is strange and does not like cheese not sure what to do for dinner tomorrow though. We usually go out but I don’t have the money to so unless RS pays again we can’t. And I don’t like making him pay two times ina row.

I don’t know if I could trust someone who doesn’t like cheese .... lol

Good for you hitting the gym !

Hope you feel better soon

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I was doing fairly well all day until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn't say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (my dad, politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow. I asked him if he'd give us some handyman advice. [He's much more talented at that than my husband.] So then I realized I had to buy some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. And of course I wanted to make a dessert, too. I had in mind what would be fairly easy and remembered he liked a particular espresso cake. So I set out for the grocery store. That did it.


As I wrote the other day, just as there is road rage, people in the grocery stores near me have "cart rage", including me, I'm afraid. There is never enough room in the aisles. They put stuff in the way, and people have a tendency to park their carts right smack in the middle of the aisles or on the side, while they stand blocking the other side. Well today there was a group of three people talking to each other, moving down the aisle at a snail's pace. I tried to be patient, but then it was too much. I said "Excuse me", but nothing. I said it even louder, and nothing. So when one of the jerks moved slightly over (probably not even to be nice), I rammed past him, making a real spectacle so that they knew I was annoyed by them. I know, I should have just turned around and walked my cart alllllllll the way around the other side and up...but I didn't. This whole scenario is not uncommon for people at the store, at all.


So on my way home in the car, I was fuming mad. Does anyone ever have fantasies about beating people up or having major league verbal fights with others? I get so worked up that I start yelling out loud what I'm fantasizing in my head. Of course in my angry fantasies I have a tenth degree black-belt in karate and/or am a major force to be reckoned with and/or grab anything nearby as my weapon (like a can of tomatoes). If I'm challenged, I roar the famous line "MAKE MY DAY!!!" with the fearsome look of a devil. Sometimes what's going on even shows itself physically or verbally in real life, such as clenching of my teeth, movements of my arms, anger on my face, and isolated growled words or phrases. Don't get me wrong, I have never fought with anyone physically in that way, but it races through my head. I wrote in another post, that when very manic, I have been violent, but towards things (or myself). Not others.


I got two root canals last Christmas. Both were in my front teeth. The endodontist said my teeth were as worn as that of an elderly person, even though I'm still in my 40s. The problem is my teeth clenching and grinding that happens on and off when experiencing high stress and irritability of various sorts. Way too frequently! I literally chip and wear my teeth down. Just this morning, I looked at my front two teeth in the mirror and they seemed even more worn down than I remember. On my way home from the store a bit ago, my teeth were hurting because of clenching.I believe that my clenching has even caused my teeth to shift to varying degrees.


As I walked with several bags of groceries through the garage, I knocked down a big box. It made a crashing noise landing upside down near my foot. Inside was a broken circular saw. Honestly! Then, of course, there were several boxes on the front porch. All my husband's purchases. I did expect one he ordered, but then the other two I had no clue about. One weighed a ton and had a label on the outside that read "Colder than ice". Of course I opened it up thinking that its contents could melt. Inside are about 30 or 40 unfrozen ice packs. Yes, that many! I had noticed that his ice packs were getting old and dirty, but why does he need to buy enough for 20 people's lunches?!?! He doesn't even have bipolar disorder -- believe me -- and yet the man is the hyperspender of the house, to my extreme frugality.


So...anyone who has read all of this, I'm sorry I put you through it. I just had to get it out.


P.S. I finally took a PRN Seroquel, a few minutes ago, after days of thinking that I should, but didn't. It really pisses me off! I was hoping that when I see my psychiatrist next week, that he could lower my base Seroquel XR. Instead, he's likely going to keep it the same, or make some kind of increase (Seroquel or Latuda, I assume).

I’m so sorry you have had such a horrible day ! I can relate to all of it !

Typically I hide myself into bed with a book until I’m fit for being around humans again.

Hope your PRN, helps quickly.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

Always good practical advice Christina!

My pdoc is really conservative and she's been trying different meds during this time. Wellbutrin seems promising at the moment. Hopefully I'll see the end of this soon.

As for counseling, that's not in the cards. My wife doesn't believe in it. She used to be critical of me when I had a T, so there's no way that'll happen with her. We discussed it before and it wasn't happening then either.

Maybe I'll get out of this depression soon and no longer have to fake my way through stuff.

Regardless of her opinions on Therapy. I think it’s very important to have a T regardless of being up or down, you need someone face to face that you can say exactly how you feel to them and never judgement.

I hope Wellbutrin works well for you and quickly

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I went by my NP’s office to get some samples of Vraylar and she had drawn me a pretty picture of a field with flowers on the bag. I thought that was a nice touch. She has also called to check on me with this med change twice. I’m still feeling things out.


I can barely see out of my right eye and I just got new contacts. Has anybody here had experience with cataracts? It seems to me that 52 is young for that kind of thing. I sincerely hope that’s all it is. Going to call a doctor about it tomorrow. It worries me.


Hugs to all.

Was there a sudden loss of vision or has it been more gradual????

I worked for a cataract surgeon for almost 5 years I saw young kids and teens get them from trauma, young adults get them virtually anyone over age 40 has a slight haze to the lens of the eye. It’s not that uncommon to need surgery 40-50 and up of course.

I want a cute picture next time my GP gives me samples lol

Hugs!

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I went by my NP’s office to get some samples of Vraylar and she had drawn me a pretty picture of a field with flowers on the bag. I thought that was a nice touch. She has also called to check on me with this med change twice. I’m still feeling things out.

I can barely see out of my right eye and I just got new contacts. Has anybody here had experience with cataracts? It seems to me that 52 is young for that kind of thing. I sincerely hope that’s all it is. Going to call a doctor about it tomorrow. It worries me.

Hugs to all.

That is such a sweet gesture by your NP I'd probably die of a heart attack if my psychiatrist did something like that for me. Actually, he's sweet, but in a more subtle way.

My husband has had cataracts surgery on both of his eyes. I don't know what age he was when he had his first one, but he was somewhere around 52 when he had his second one. I know because I drove him to/from the second one. All I can say is that my husband has other serious issues with his eyes. He's not blind, but is a regular patient at Will's Eye Hospital in Philly. That surely doesn't apply to you, though. Actually, I have no idea if his cataracts are related to his other eye conditions.

If you have a cataracts surgery, be sure to let the doctor know if anything seems amiss afterwards. His first cataracts surgery was a great success. His second was a bit problematic. Eye health is obviously very very important.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've been better the last few days and seem to have gotten better. I was surprised though when I opened my clozapine labs to find my white blood count was still abnormally high 4 plus weeks after getting sick and after completing 2 rounds of antibiotics. I've had lots of clozapine labs done in 3 years and even when I've been sick I've never had a white count in the high range; it's always just high normal when I'm sick. So now I have proof I've been really sick and I sent the information to my NP since those labs go to my pdoc at a different hospital. I am really surprised; I thought it might be higher but not over the high limit. I have a hard time trusting myself that I'm really sick and I guess now I have to believe myself.

So glad this is ending. I hope.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I went by my NP’s office to get some samples of Vraylar and she had drawn me a pretty picture of a field with flowers on the bag. I thought that was a nice touch. She has also called to check on me with this med change twice. I’m still feeling things out.

I can barely see out of my right eye and I just got new contacts. Has anybody here had experience with cataracts? It seems to me that 52 is young for that kind of thing. I sincerely hope that’s all it is. Going to call a doctor about it tomorrow. It worries me.

Hugs to all.

I am sorry you are experiencing trouble with an eye.
I wonder about the cause?

I have a slight cataract in one eye and was told it's not unusual for someone in her 50's. I don't know if the doctor telling me that is correct or not?

I hope you discover the cause of your vision issue an I hope it's an easy fix!

Much Love to You!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I've been better the last few days and seem to have gotten better. I was surprised though when I opened my clozapine labs to find my white blood count was still abnormally high 4 plus weeks after getting sick and after completing 2 rounds of antibiotics. I've had lots of clozapine labs done in 3 years and even when I've been sick I've never had a white count in the high range; it's always just high normal when I'm sick. So now I have proof I've been really sick and I sent the information to my NP since those labs go to my pdoc at a different hospital. I am really surprised; I thought it might be higher but not over the high limit. I have a hard time trusting myself that I'm really sick and I guess now I have to believe myself.

So glad this is ending. I hope.

I feel for you.
You have been ill for quite some time now!

I am glad the labs not only validate your experience, but also motivate your care providers to do more... if they might be able to help, somehow?

I think of you daily and feel so badly about your continued illness.

Thanks so much for your update!

My heart goes out to you!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

My lenses came in, man what a difference! I can see! No more carrying around the magnifying glass. Four years is too long to wait between vision checks. It's much easier to read but walking and driving are werid.

So glad you have your new glasses!
Must be bifocal or progressive lenses?
I'd ha a difficult time getting use to my first bifocals/transitions glasses.

It is time for new ones. It has only been a year and I already need new lenses.

Must be nice to not have to tote the magnifying glass!!!

Much Love to You, Nammu!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I was doing fairly well all day until I went to the grocery store. Well, maybe I started to get unwell towards the end of my conversation with my sister. She didn't say anything to trigger it. I totally brought it on myself. I was not angry at her at all, but more fuming about other people (my dad, politicians, certain organizations, etc.). Then I asked my brother to come over for dinner tomorrow. I asked him if he'd give us some handyman advice. [He's much more talented at that than my husband.] So then I realized I had to buy some groceries in order to make him a nice meal. And of course I wanted to make a dessert, too. I had in mind what would be fairly easy and remembered he liked a particular espresso cake. So I set out for the grocery store. That did it.

As I wrote the other day, just as there is road rage, people in the grocery stores near me have "cart rage", including me, I'm afraid. There is never enough room in the aisles. They put stuff in the way, and people have a tendency to park their carts right smack in the middle of the aisles or on the side, while they stand blocking the other side. Well today there was a group of three people talking to each other, moving down the aisle at a snail's pace. I tried to be patient, but then it was too much. I said "Excuse me", but nothing. I said it even louder, and nothing. So when one of the jerks moved slightly over (probably not even to be nice), I rammed past him, making a real spectacle so that they knew I was annoyed by them. I know, I should have just turned around and walked my cart alllllllll the way around the other side and up...but I didn't. This whole scenario is not uncommon for people at the store, at all.

So on my way home in the car, I was fuming mad. Does anyone ever have fantasies about beating people up or having major league verbal fights with others? I get so worked up that I start yelling out loud what I'm fantasizing in my head. Of course in my angry fantasies I have a tenth degree black-belt in karate and/or am a major force to be reckoned with and/or grab anything nearby as my weapon (like a can of tomatoes). If I'm challenged, I roar the famous line "MAKE MY DAY!!!" with the fearsome look of a devil. Sometimes what's going on even shows itself physically or verbally in real life, such as clenching of my teeth, movements of my arms, anger on my face, and isolated growled words or phrases. Don't get me wrong, I have never fought with anyone physically in that way, but it races through my head. I wrote in another post, that when very manic, I have been violent, but towards things (or myself). Not others.

I got two root canals last Christmas. Both were in my front teeth. The endodontist said my teeth were as worn as that of an elderly person, even though I'm still in my 40s. The problem is my teeth clenching and grinding that happens on and off when experiencing high stress and irritability of various sorts. Way too frequently! I literally chip and wear my teeth down. Just this morning, I looked at my front two teeth in the mirror and they seemed even more worn down than I remember. On my way home from the store a bit ago, my teeth were hurting because of clenching.I believe that my clenching has even caused my teeth to shift to varying degrees.

As I walked with several bags of groceries through the garage, I knocked down a big box. It made a crashing noise landing upside down near my foot. Inside was a broken circular saw. Honestly! Then, of course, there were several boxes on the front porch. All my husband's purchases. I did expect one he ordered, but then the other two I had no clue about. One weighed a ton and had a label on the outside that read "Colder than ice". Of course I opened it up thinking that its contents could melt. Inside are about 30 or 40 unfrozen ice packs. Yes, that many! I had noticed that his ice packs were getting old and dirty, but why does he need to buy enough for 20 people's lunches?!?! He doesn't even have bipolar disorder -- believe me -- and yet the man is the hyperspender of the house, to my extreme frugality.

So...anyone who has read all of this, I'm sorry I put you through it. I just had to get it out.

P.S. I finally took a PRN Seroquel, a few minutes ago, after days of thinking that I should, but didn't. It really pisses me off! I was hoping that when I see my psychiatrist next week, that he could lower my base Seroquel XR. Instead, he's likely going to keep it the same, or make some kind of increase (Seroquel or Latuda, I assume).

(((((( BirdDancer ))))))

You've had quite a day!!!

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!!!

Oh, Seroquel... I want off of it, too! !! Now!!! Right now!!!

[Wild Coyote]

I've had a very long day. Very productive, too, thankfully.

Felt very sad that I was not more available for a very special friend today.

I had a visit with my PC provider. Lots of "conditions" to manage, yet could be worse.

I am very weary, but also a bit jazzed. : Wired is more like it.
My body is "jumping again" for not enough sleep.
Maybe I will sleep more tonight!?

I mean: I fully intend to enJOY a Restful, Peaceful, refreshing sleep tonight!!
So be it!!!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

So glad you have your new glasses!
Must be bifocal or progressive lenses?
I'd ha a difficult time getting use to my first bifocals/transitions glasses.

It is time for new ones. It has only been a year and I already need new lenses.

Must be nice to not have to tote the magnifying glass!!!

Much Love to You, Nammu!!!

Thanks. Yes they're progressives. The the guy told me to wear them for a week or so before ordering my reading glasses. Don't know why. I can't wait to be able to read regular print books again. Yeah I can read them now with these glasses but it's hard to read with these in bed. My routine is take my meds and going to bed with a book and it's awkward to read from bifocals from a laying position. I'd given up on regular print and been getting books from the large print section. It will be nice to broaden the books I can get again to include bestsellers.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Thanks. Yes they're progressives. The the guy told me to wear them for a week or so before ordering my reading glasses. Don't know why. I can't wait to be able to read regular print books again. Yeah I can read them now with these glasses but it's hard to read with these in bed. My routine is take my meds and going to bed with a book and it's awkward to read from bifocals from a laying position. I'd given up on regular print and been getting books from the large print section. It will be nice to broaden the books I can get again to include bestsellers.

I've had the same issue!
I wear my reading glasses while reading in bed.
Initially, I'd had trouble using progressive lenses with my laptop, too. I'd then learned to move the laptop further away from me.

I hope you get to enJOY the books of your choice, pronto!!!

Wild Coyote, I hope you and everyone else will get a good night's sleep. Just your intent is a helpful step. Though it doesn't always work, sometimes I have good success just turning all lights off (I love total darkness) and saying "You are going to go to sleep now." Then I try to think of nothingness. Not in a bad or scary sense. Just consciously turn my thinking off. I challenge myself to not think. Moments pass, and very often...

Zzzzzzzz

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Wild Coyote, I hope you and everyone else will get a good night's sleep. Just your intent is a helpful step. Though it doesn't always work, sometimes I have good success just turning all lights off (I love total darkness) and saying "You are going to go to sleep now." Then I try to think of nothingness. Not in a bad or scary sense. Just consciously turn my thinking off. I challenge myself to not think. Moments pass, and very often...

Zzzzzzzz

Great suggestion!!!

Yes, I, too, think clear intentions can be helpful. While clear intention is a piece of the puzzle, it may not be adequate for all of the contributing factors, at times. However, I think clear intention(s) can be quite powerful!!!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Wild Coyote, I hope you and everyone else will get a good night's sleep. Just your intent is a helpful step. Though it doesn't always work, sometimes I have good success just turning all lights off (I love total darkness) and saying "You are going to go to sleep now." Then I try to think of nothingness. Not in a bad or scary sense. Just consciously turn my thinking off. I challenge myself to not think. Moments pass, and very often...

Zzzzzzzz

It took me a long time to be comfortable with nothingness. I read that the western philosophy and lifestyle is very uncomfortable with zen and nothingness. The eastern philosophy is much more comfortable with that state. I don't know if that's true or not for westerners but it was true for me.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

It took me a long time to be comfortable with nothingness. I read that the western philosophy and lifestyle is very uncomfortable with zen and nothingness. The eastern philosophy is much more comfortable with that state. I don't know if that's true or not for westerners but it was true for me.

I think it takes quite awhile to achieve the state of Nothingness. It feels amazing to feel "chatter free" in the brain!

Just quiet. Peace and quiet.

[TheSeaCat]

Hi all and update from me today. Worked from home today; it was either that or show up to the office in a pair of scrubs and I didn't think my boss would like that to much. So I worked from my couch; and had four worried animals watching over me. R brings over Bear sometimes so he isn't alone in the house and he has other animals to play with. Shep (German Shepherd) would walk beside me if I had to get off the couch for anything; I guess he was worried I was going to fall or something. I appreciated him walking beside me making sure I was okay. I enjoy working from home on occasion; I also talked to my boss and I also get to work from home tomorrow too. The meds are working but it still hurts to put much weight on that knee.

M and I really are a pair with his back and my knee.