[~Christina]

BirdDancer... usually I can figure ways to balance out some of the non stop on the go stuff. But this is a month long trip, that includes us staying with friends for 3 weeks.

It would take me probably 8 paragraphs to explain to situation, but to sum it up ... my normal routine will be impossible across the board.

Ugh I’m in tears even typing this

[Wander]

Day six IP. Got leave to see my T today. He was incredibly helpful. Since Monday afternoon my anxiety and agitation have dropped significantly so I am safe now. After a long explanation as to how I am feeling and thinking my T agreed that discharge tomorrow or Friday is a good idea, especially when this hospital itself is a trigger for me due to my last admission. Hopefully my pdoc will see me late afternoon and will sign off on my discharge. It will be frustrating if he doesn't come but I will just have to be patient. Overall I feel more stable and hopeful. The agitation is still awful at times but manageable, and would be much more manageable at home.

I had thought that this last month of symptoms were solely PTSD (well maybe a tiny Bipolar but none worth worrying about). My T showed me that I had a fluid mix of both due to my symptoms and swift reaction to med changes. So it seems the stress of a severe PTSD episode set off a Bipolar episode, and they combined into one horror episode. It seems the PTSD is waning faster than the Bipolar. We agreed that talking directly about any of my trauma is not worth it. No major leap forwards will come from it and I would most likely get very ill again. So, no talking.

Instead I am going to a six week intensive deep meditation/yoga class to learn to calm my mind and body when triggered and reduce triggering. It should be helpful with the Bipolar too and other things. It is expensive but the instructor is a MD who spent 5 years in Tibet under instruction and has 25 years mediation experience. This makes me feel more comfortable as I am confident this man has skills that can help me. My plan now is to keep working on healing my hip and once the classes end mid-sep I should be mentally and physically ready to start trying to get my job back.

Also, as soon as this damn agitation leaves I am off Seroquel. In two weeks I have already put weight on and I hate it. It does work, and my agitation can get excruciating so my team have encouraged me to keep taking it for now. Agitation makes me more inpatient than usual so waiting to stop Seroquel is a tough one for me. But I will try.

I am so sorry I ramble on. My mind is on fast-forward and I am struggling to find an end point. So here it is.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by spikes

I need help. I can't do this anymore. I hurt my family, and I'm just a burden on them anyways. I'm sick of the pain that is whatever the hell I have. I'm overwhelmed by this life. I cant take it. I see my new therapist Thursday and my new doctor Monday. I'm really not safe but I cant go back to the hospital for a third time this year. They wont help anyways...

Hi Spikes, I don't have any grand advice but your life matters to me. When I feel similar to how you describe very few words help at all. I guess I am just asking you to hold on and don't be afraid to seek help, even if you have to be hospitalised 10 times this year. Sending HUGS.

I drove all the way to work this morning, only to realize that I FORGOT my work badge. ugh! So I came back home and decided I'm just gonna work from home. F that.

I wish I didn't forget it. Oh well. Is what it is. I have packages coming anyways, so whatever.

Frustrated.

I'm doing pretty well otherwise. No voices or anything today thus far, and yesterday there were none either.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi scooter!

Oh, Geez! So sorry you have been feeling so very unwell.

Will you be able to wait for the 2 weeks to see if the Wellbutrin kicks in?


Glad you are also using Latuda in order to help in balancing out mood swings

I am hopeful for you!


I hope all goes very well over the next two weeks! please do reach out if you need any support/help! We are here for you!

Hi WC!

I can wait the 2 weeks, it's not that far off. I'll know then whether I need to increase the wellbutrin. I was undecided about the increase but this is probably the best way to go.

Glad to see you posting again and I'm following what's happening with you. I hope things improve for you. It sounds like you have your computer issues worked out which is good news!

[Wander]

Update: saw my pdoc. He is worried as I shifted from a very dark place to relatively fine and wanting discharge so he is going to review me again tomorrow morning. Apparently I’m showing signs of faking getting better to get myself discharged for dangerous purposes. I’m not, but I’m thankful he is vigilant. I just hope he shows tomorrow morning so I can be discharged. I hate being in here. I want to go home.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hey there, Blue_Bird!

I am so sorry you have been struggling .

Is the agitation new for you? Does agitation signal some type of a major shift in your mood?

For instance, I tend to get very agitated when I am hypomanic! I get funny and then agitated! Kind of strange! Rofl!

Is there a reason for contacting your pdoc sooner , rather than later?

Please take good care! Keep reaching out here!!! We'll do our best to support you!

Thank you WC!

I have been dealing with agitation for awhile now. I think yesterday was as bad as it was because of withdrawing from a medication, seroquel. I needed to get off it due to weight gain and being too tired all the time. Yesterday was the worst, I just wanted to die and it was like living in hell but I was able to get a bit of sleep last night and am feeling quite a bit better today. I don't feel angry or like hurting myself, I'm able to do things I enjoy like reading, I'm actually feeling happy and not irritable for the first time in awhile

I hope you're doing well

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thank you WC!

I have been dealing with agitation for awhile now. I think yesterday was as bad as it was because of withdrawing from a medication, seroquel. I needed to get off it due to weight gain and being too tired all the time. Yesterday was the worst, I just wanted to die and it was like living in hell but I was able to get a bit of sleep last night and am feeling quite a bit better today. I don't feel angry or like hurting myself, I'm able to do things I enjoy like reading, I'm actually feeling happy and not irritable for the first time in awhile

I hope you're doing well

I am glad you are feeling better today!
EnJOY!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

Hi WC!

I can wait the 2 weeks, it's not that far off. I'll know then whether I need to increase the wellbutrin. I was undecided about the increase but this is probably the best way to go.

Glad to see you posting again and I'm following what's happening with you. I hope things improve for you. It sounds like you have your computer issues worked out which is good news!

Hi Scooter!

I do think of you daily.

Yes, after a lot of help with our ISP, at least the security is now "iron clad."
They also gave me software with which I can monitor the network. I can see any/all devices ever connected. It gives a full description of each device, with lots of details. I am alerted if anyone new access the network. I can control each device connected (Pausing their device for however long I wish.). The software does more, just cannot list it all here.

The remote swiping of a computer is still under investigation by the local police. It's possible a couple of crimes were committed.

Thanks so much for your ongoing support.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Wander

Update: saw my pdoc. He is worried as I shifted from a very dark place to relatively fine and wanting discharge so he is going to review me again tomorrow morning. Apparently I’m showing signs of faking getting better to get myself discharged for dangerous purposes. I’m not, but I’m thankful he is vigilant. I just hope he shows tomorrow morning so I can be discharged. I hate being in here. I want to go home.

Hi Wander,

It must feel frustrating, wondering when you will be discharged.
I, too, am glad your pdoc is looking after your welfare.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I drove all the way to work this morning, only to realize that I FORGOT my work badge. ugh! So I came back home and decided I'm just gonna work from home. F that.

I wish I didn't forget it. Oh well. Is what it is. I have packages coming anyways, so whatever.

Frustrated.

I'm doing pretty well otherwise. No voices or anything today thus far, and yesterday there were none either.

Hi Blue,
I hope you can enJOY the day anyway. Bought some treats on Prime Day?
Will you get your new headset today?

Catch you later!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

BirdDancer... usually I can figure ways to balance out some of the non stop on the go stuff. But this is a month long trip, that includes us staying with friends for 3 weeks.

It would take me probably 8 paragraphs to explain to situation, but to sum it up ... my normal routine will be impossible across the board.

Ugh I’m in tears even typing this

HUGS, my friend!!!

Originally Posted by ~Christina

BirdDancer... usually I can figure ways to balance out some of the non stop on the go stuff. But this is a month long trip, that includes us staying with friends for 3 weeks.

It would take me probably 8 paragraphs to explain to situation, but to sum it up ... my normal routine will be impossible across the board.

Ugh I’m in tears even typing this

I'm sorry I didn't see your response until now, Christina. I am sad that you are feeling stressed enough to be brought to tears. I understand how even staying with friends or loved ones can be rough. Is it possible that you and your husband could do something on your own for part of that time? Or even do a side trip alone and have a hotel room away from them for a little part of it?

You may recall that my husband is Czech. We obviously go to visit his family and friends in Czech Republic and Germany, a lot, though not so much in recent years. We had to go there a lot during some of my hardest years with bipolar disorder because his mother was sick and dying. It was so stressful being there. Not understanding the language was particularly stressful, plus family stuff. I used to excuse myself often to "take a nap". They didn't seem to mind.

Maybe this story will cheer you up or make you smile:

Once we were visiting a Czech friend of my husband who lives in Germany. I was so extremely tired from medications, jet lag, and not understanding the language. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and was so tired that I told myself "Just lean over and put your head down for a minute." Well, I fell asleep. Yes, on the toilet! Time passed and my husband's friend thought I went to bed. She opened the bathroom door and I was there sleeping. She panicked and called my husband. He came and worriedly asked "BirdDancer, are you OK?" I woke up in a daze. He told me to go to bed, which I did, sleep-walking there as a child does in similar cases. The next morning it was quite awkward, for sure. I have to laugh about it now. They didn't mind in the end. They were good friends.

[Wild Coyote]

What a funny story,BirdDancer!!!

I get very tired when traveling, too. I just cannot do long trips!!!

Wander, I have been thinking about you. I'm so sorry that the hospital has been a source of stress for you, instead of a retreat or safe haven. I do want to say how important it is not to rush away from intensive treatment. Doing so can exacerbate the situation. If it does end up best for your to leave the hospital, can you maybe go to an Intensive Outpatient program or at least schedule frequent visits to your therapy and psychiatrist?

bluebicycle, both my husband and I have forgotten our badges many times in the past. You're not alone. I'm glad you were allowed to work from home.

Scooter and Blue_Bird, good luck with your medication issues.

Spikes, please do take care. It's your depression talking. I'm sorry you're in such mental pain, my PC friend! Please hang in there until you see your new doctor and therapist. If you do feel a danger to yourself, PLEASE do go to the hospital. It doesn't matter that you've been there a few times this year. What matters is you and your safety. We care and I am certain your family cares very very much. Very much.

Nothing too much to report today. It's hot as blue blazes outside, and of course humid. I was thinking of going to the movies, but I can't figure out what to see. The theater I like best (with leather reclining seats) only ever plays children's type movies. Really, all kid's stuff. The other that has more adult movies has old ratty uncomfortable seats. Why do kids deserve luxury seats more than adults? I know that the kid's movies are more of the blockbusters than others. That's obviously the reason. I guess at least the kids' parents get the luxury seats, too, as a reward for sitting through the kid's stuff. I really miss my bird buddy!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I mentioned how I've been getting extremely tired at night and sleeping more. I do seem to get super energized during the daytime, though. In fact, it's even become a little too energized. It's not exactly hypomania, but stir craziness and agitation. I try not to get out of control in public, but I do find myself complaining out loud in public, having violent fantasies (usually me being an expert knife thrower), and screaming when I'm by myself at the littlest things.

[Sunflower123]

M left a few minutes ago. After the initial goodbye waterworks, I came back into the house and I’m in a good mood! I’m choosing to focus on what I want: memories of the good times and more of the same instead of what I don’t: her leaving. I have a lot of inner work and outer work to accomplish and this is the perfect opportunity to do that.

I think I turned a corner in this transition. Yay!

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

[Wild Coyote]

Good Morning!

It's very humid here today.
I tend to experience more physical symptoms in the humidity (and with the heat).

I go to Ortho today. I had, somehow, injured my foot approx 10 days ago. I am walking with the help of a crutch. I think I know the dx; however, I will leave that to professional.

The NP at the Ortho office is a very interesting person. I love interacting with her. She has been in practice for 40 years and knows MUCH more than the PA(s) in the office. She is the #1 biathlon champion, for her age group, in the world.

She has the most interesting, and the most extensive, collection of shoes!
On top of all of that,she has an outstanding personality.

I hope everyone has a FUN day!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Nothing too much to report today. It's hot as blue blazes outside, and of course humid. I was thinking of going to the movies, but I can't figure out what to see. The theater I like best (with leather reclining seats) only ever plays children's type movies. Really, all kid's stuff. The other that has more adult movies has old ratty uncomfortable seats. Why do kids deserve luxury seats more than adults? I know that the kid's movies are more of the blockbusters than others. That's obviously the reason. I guess at least the kids' parents get the luxury seats, too, as a reward for sitting through the kid's stuff.

Yesterday I mentioned how I've been getting extremely tired at night and sleeping more. I do seem to get super energized during the daytime, though. In fact, it's even become a little too energized. It's not exactly hypomania, but stir craziness and agitation. I try not to get out of control in public, but I do find myself complaining out loud in public, having violent fantasies (usually me being an expert knife thrower), and screaming when I'm by myself at the littlest things.

I would be a bit aggravated with the seating issue at the theater!

I've been very agitated, too. I very rarely swear. I have been swearing like a sailor for the past 3 days. I get super frustrated very quickly. I try to clean up my act if I am not alone. It's hard to do when so irritable, I find.

I hope you will have FUN today, even if it is in practicing your knife-throwing skills!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

M left a few minutes ago. After the initial goodbye waterworks, I came back into the house and I’m in a good mood! I’m choosing to focus on what I want: memories of the good times and more of the same instead of what I don’t: her leaving. I have a lot of inner work and outer work to accomplish and this is the perfect opportunity to do that.

I think I turned a corner in this transition. Yay!

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Interesting approach, Jennifer!

I do think our minds (and possibly the Universe) respond well to our stating and/or thinking in the positive, just as you have pointed out. For example focusing on what we do want, rather than focusing on what we do not want.

In sports psychology, a very similar approach is often taught. Bicyclists, for example, are told to NOT focus on the pot holes ahead of them, as doing so will bring them into the pot holes. Focus, instead, on where they DO want to go!

And so, you have given me a very helpful reminder today. I sometimes forget. I need to be mindful of my thinking and I must stay focused upon what I DO want.

Thanks so much, Jennifer!