[tecomsin]

I woke up last night and didn't get back to sleep. I watched a lot of videos of people being interviewed where those two young accused murderers in northern Manitoba set their stolen car on fire and disappeared into the wilderness... They are thought to have murdered 3 people so far in remote parts of northern Canada.

Now of course everyone up there is pretty nervous about their safety and there is a huge manhunt going on in northern Manitoba, where their car was ditched. This story got a hold of me and has just been rattling around in my mind, along with interviews of the fathers of these two young men.

One father said his son, still a teen, was the product of an acrimonious divorce when he was 5 and was never nurtured, never learned to ride a bike or drive a car, and that he would go out in a hail of bullets with law enforcement because he was in pain. The father of the other teen said he never showed signs of violence and cared for the feelings of others. The two fathers are a study in contrast but the outcome looks to be the same.

I wonder if they will ever be found alive or dead. It's a harsh, swampy landscape full of sand flies right now and it's cold at night. The two had apparently been practising survival skills for the past couple of years but people who live up there say it is easy to get lost and just give up and die in the wilderness there.

These men are younger than my son, who also still doesn't have a valid Canadian drivers license. But he does have a job he likes, his own apartment, his friends, a girl friend and interests.

For some reason this story has really buried its way into my subconscious. After I could not fall back asleep I took 1.25 mg olanzapine around 4 am but didn't go to sleep. It's a little extra insurance I won't start having psychotic symptoms. My sleep has been really erratic. Sometimes almost 9 hours and quite a few times only around 6. Tonight it was only 5 hours. I had a coffee but will try to nap later.

[tecomsin]

I'm really struggling today. Just one night of really bad sleep and my anxiety is through the roof, I have no energy. Just having a rough day. And obsessing about this is just how my mind is working now.

[Jedi67]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I'm really struggling today. Just one night of really bad sleep and my anxiety is through the roof, I have no energy. Just having a rough day. And obsessing about this is just how my mind is working now.

I can relate, tecomsin. been sleeping terribly myself and dealing with morning and daytime anxiety and panic. I see my PDoc tomorrow because I think I need a meds overhaul.

the manhunt is all over the news here in the states. I hope they are caught sooner rather than later before anything more happens. I'm hoping your anxiety doesn't get any worse. try your best to sleep and keep us posted. sending best wishes and hugs. you will get through this. it will pass. keep reaching out here.

I'm hoping for good news tomorrow with my PDoc, and a light at the end of the tunnel myself.

[fern46]

Hey Tecosmin, I am sorry to hear your anxiety is so bad. That can be incredibly difficult. I have struggled in the past with getting caught up in news stories to the point of it affecting my day heavily. News in general is a trigger for me. I can't offer much advice other than to say I am much happier now that I stay away from news altogether. I don't watch it or read it except for technology and health news. I felt at first like I would be so lost, but I have found it really has made no negative difference in my life to be out of the know. People mention news related topics and I just ignore it or tell them I do not follow the news. I'm trying to simplify my life and this is one change that helped a lot.

[Jedi67]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hey Tecosmin, I am sorry to hear your anxiety is so bad. That can be incredibly difficult. I have struggled in the past with getting caught up in news stories to the point of it affecting my day heavily. News in general is a trigger for me. I can't offer much advice other than to say I am much happier now that I stay away from news altogether. I don't watch it or read it except for technology and health news. I felt at first like I would be so lost, but I have found it really has made no negative difference in my life to be out of the know. People mention news related topics and I just ignore it or tell them I do not follow the news. I'm trying to simplify my life and this is one change that helped a lot.

I know what you mean, fern46! I'm weening myself off of the news. Too much overload of bad stuff being reported. I've done it before but like quicksand, I get dragged into watching and reading about it all. Same with social media. News can be a trigger too for me. I need to find the strength to stay away from it all.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Jedi67

I know what you mean, fern46! I'm weening myself off of the news. Too much overload of bad stuff being reported. I've done it before but like quicksand, I get dragged into watching and reading about it all. Same with social media. News can be a trigger too for me. I need to find the strength to stay away from it all.

It can be difficult. It seems silly it would be hard to quit, but it can be. A lot of my psychosis was tied up in different news topics I chose to follow. I just try to use my memories about how twisted my brain was as motivation to stay away. Luckily I don't use any of the major social media programs. I think that would make it harder to filter what I see on a daily basis.

I went pretty much cold turkey. I deleted all of my links to the sources I used for news. I unsubscribed from all of my youtube channels and I deleted news apps on my phone. I adjusted alert settings for anything I couldn't delete. I also keep the tv off for the most part and only watch shows on Netflix. I'm choosy about the shows I watch too. Some are triggering. I'm sure I could read news now and be fine for a while, but I don't want to get sucked back in again. Having another episode is not on my to do list, so I'm being ultra careful with the things I know I can control.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi tecomsin,

I am so sorry for what you have been going through.

Is it possible to redirect your attention to some interest you enjoy?
Maybe a dumb question.

I am in a similar place with others here. I don't watch the news much. I know much of it makes me ill. I try to hit the highlights and leave the rest. I do not listen more than once to the same story, etc.

I hope you can get some relief ASAP.

Please let us know how you are doing?

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Jedi67

I can relate, tecomsin. been sleeping terribly myself and dealing with morning and daytime anxiety and panic. I see my PDoc tomorrow because I think I need a meds overhaul.

the manhunt is all over the news here in the states. I hope they are caught sooner rather than later before anything more happens. I'm hoping your anxiety doesn't get any worse. try your best to sleep and keep us posted. sending best wishes and hugs. you will get through this. it will pass. keep reaching out here.

I'm hoping for good news tomorrow with my PDoc, and a light at the end of the tunnel myself.

Hi Jedi67, thanks for sharing. I hope a medication overhaul will help you. I have olanzapine that I will take tonight at 2.5 mg. I only take it when my sleep is disrupted and it had been ok up until last night, often sleeping more than 8 hours.

I think the anxiety is definitely lack of sleep. Normally these kinds of news storeis don't get to me too much or I don't obsessively focus on them the way that I have, but it isn't only the story that I'm anxious about, it is everything.

WC, Thanks also for your post. I don't have a tv but was watching clips on my computer in the early morning hours when I should have been asleep. I am just hoping that I sleep ok tonight and can get a fresh start on life tomorrow.

It's a good idea to distract. I am just trying to find something to focus on that doesn't cause me stress. It seems my mind just runs from one stressful topic to the next. I think this is part of my illness.

Fern, congrats on disconnecting from the news. That's a great accomplishment! I can see why it would make sense for you to do that, as certain news stories were triggering a psychosis.

The beginning of my psychoses are always that I tend to get a lot of obsessive thoughts about a topic...

But I don't feel psychotic at the moment just distraught and dead tired and full of anxiety.

[Wild Coyote]

HI tecomsin,

Just checking in on you. Wondering how you are doing?

I think you need a huge hug.

(((((( tecomsin ))))))

I am sorry, this is the best I can do in a virtual world.
I wish I could help more.

Please get some very deep and restful sleep tonight.

[yellow_fleurs]

I have found myself very triggered by news stories recently. I am trying to find a way to keep myself informed without spiraling into a dark place. I think reading from a reputable source a summary of events as opposed to watching news of anything too interactive like that would be better for my mental health. The manhunt you referred to showed up on my screen of the machine I was using at the gym and I had to look away so I wouldn't get into a mental spiral. Can you distract yourself or try to engage in something that makes you happy usually? Or maybe call a friend or family member? I am sorry you are feeling this way.

[Wild Coyote]

And so night has fallen. I am thinking of you, hoping you are sleeping soundly.

[~Christina]

I’m sorry anxiety has a strong hold on you.

I’d say look about at the last month or 2 of your life, you have had numerous difficulties, your friend, your father, your sisters nonsense recently, the flu, you hurt your hip, etc etc

I’m very selective about the news, it is triggering at times and other times it’s just repeated nonsense that can take up space in my head, I’m old I honestly think I’m like my phone and have limited space for data.

The stress mobster has me in a unwelcome bear hug at the moment so I could be babbling.

But I’m thinking of you and hoping things settle down very quickly for you.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

And so night has fallen. I am thinking of you, hoping you are sleeping soundly.

Yes I slept well, almost 9 hours. Will stay on olanzapine 2.5 mg tonight and see how it goes. My head feels much clearer than yesterday. I am going to get a few chores done today. It has been days since i showered too. Things are definitely not ok but I feel much better than yesterday.

I am not really sure why my stress would go up just being sleep deprived. I wonder if other people experience that too.

You have been through a lot recently and I really appreciate your reaching out with care to so many people on PC including me.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I have found myself very triggered by news stories recently. I am trying to find a way to keep myself informed without spiraling into a dark place. I think reading from a reputable source a summary of events as opposed to watching news of anything too interactive like that would be better for my mental health. The manhunt you referred to showed up on my screen of the machine I was using at the gym and I had to look away so I wouldn't get into a mental spiral. Can you distract yourself or try to engage in something that makes you happy usually? Or maybe call a friend or family member? I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Hi yellow_fleurs, I know what you mean about spiraling to a dark place. I get most of my information from reading but yesterday morning I was watching clip after clip of people involves somehow in the case being interviewed including the parent of one of the accused murderers.

I was drawn into contemplating what if my son had become like one of these young men. He often said I neglected him and never 'mothered' him growing up. Of course it is far fetched but that is the rabbit hole of guilt I went into yesterday.

I am really quite limited in who I can reach out to. I need to start again to be more active and get out. I was really set back by getting the flu after my sister did her thing to my son and me, that I wrote about before.

Christina is right, I have been through a lot. My mental state was just really poor yesterday and is better today.

I am glad you were able to look away.

Take care,

tecomsin

[~Christina]

I hope that the flu has left you completely. My daughter just got hit with it last week and she said it is dreadful.

Have you been able to reflect on everything that has happened in a relatively short amount of time that would send most of us all tilted sideways ?

[tecomsin]

Hi Christina,

Yes I've had a rough time. It started off with a lot of negative feelings around my best friend at the time. She ghosted me the week I was waiting to find out the results of my cancer scan, not knowing when that would be since they weren't ready when I had my oncology appointment. I started to think then she didn't have much empathy for me.

Then I became overly focussed on her disability claim and started wondering if she were cheating. I wrote a lot about before...

Then she dumped me while we were on an outing to go be with her other friend and I haven't spoken to her since.

Then I find out my dad is dying of pancreatic cancer so I tried to reach out to him after many years of no contact. He died unexpectedly quickly so he didn't suffer.

Somewhere in there I had pulled hip muscle and was in quite a lot of pain taking pain killers and robaxacet every day for several weeks.

After my sister pulled her triangulation stunt using my son, I abruptly came down with the flu and it has been a long recovery. I am still coughing and quite tired.

My self care has slipped. I am only showering 2 times a week now and hardly see anyone. I need to go grocery shopping today so will get out the door I hope today.

I am sorry I have not been able to help others on here.

The manhunt still preoccupies me but I am taking olanzapine again at night so have been getting a good nights sleep. I was amazed how much one night of only 5 hours threw me for a loop. I was non-functional that day.

I miss having a friend to text every day and go out with regularly. My new friend is more busy and we don't get together as often. She also has diabetes so doesn't want to eat out that much.

[~Christina]

You have been going through so much.

I hope in time you will be able to get back on stable ground