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Trig Jul 13, 2019 at 08:52 PM
  #1
I was thinking of titling this thread "Why I hate my sister", or "Why my sister makes me ill". I need to vent and this is where i'll start, rather than clogging the check in thread.

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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 09:56 PM
  #2
Do you live with your sister? My mother was very controlling when I lived with her after my divorce- the episodes sent me to PES - Psych. Emergency Services. It made my symptoms worse times 10+!

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #3
Thanks, Moose. Thankfully I live independently and 1000s of miles from my sister in a different country.

My Dad died before he had a chance to change his will from when he was married. But he had made his wishes known to a lawyer. Since my father divorced that left my sister the sole inheritor, executor and trustee. She is following his instructions except that she decided to gift one of my father's assets to me. She didn't ask me ahead of time.

I wrote back and said I didn't want any of my father's estate, and to distribute my share directly from her. I said I might want a part of that one asset that I inherited to go to some relatives besides my son and her children. I said I needed time to think about the distribution. She agreed to do all this but then...

She went behind my back and argued to my son that I must be manic and needed to be hospitalized. He was in a panic when he met me for lunch on Wednesday. I had told her i would be discussing the division of my part with him on Monday. So she used the intervening two days to tell my son that not only was she not going to follow my wishes, she lied and said I wanted ALL of that assset to go to other relatives, that I was sounding manic and having an urgent mental health crisis. Meanwhile she swore him to secrecy so he had to interrogate me for my mental status, argue against how I wanted the division and not tell me any of her concerns.

We had a surreal dinner conversation where he was obviously stressed and he was texting all the time we were talking to HER...

Then he finally came clean and told me what she had done, the whole thing. But that was in a phone call after our dinner had ended.

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 10:42 AM
  #4
ps I put a trigger warning on this thread because I have a lot of negative thoughts about my sister.

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 11:53 AM
  #5
Does she often lie in this kind of way? If so, maybe for important things like assets you can include another person in the discussion or discuss via email or something so you have a record? That way your son or someone else can judge the situation for themselves. Hopefully if interactions with your sister make you ill you don't have to interact too much. I had a friend who I felt was rather controlling, but at least not lying or manipulative. It seemed out of genuine concern, but it still messed with my head. I am working on setting healthy boundaries so it doesn't happen again with her or anyone else.
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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 02:01 PM
  #6
Hi yellow_fleurs, my experience is that she will lie to make me look like the bad guy. I think she gets some kind of thrill from it. All of our estate matters were discussed via email so there is a record of everything. I had not specified the division only that i was thinking that a part of it could go to other family. Once I dropped that her concern about my mental state vanished and i haven't heard from her for several days.

I have practised grey rock with her in the past. She is 'nice' to me as long as everything goes exactly according to her wishes, and she won't tell me when it doesn't. Instead she claims I am mentally ill and runs to my son with an exaggerated version of the truth. If she had any questions about where my thinking was leaning she could have asked me.

I am going back to grey rock with her for the foreseeable future. She apologized neither to me or . my son for creating this drama and spoiling our dinner together and maybe even doing irreparable harm to our relationship. I don't know what other lies she has told him.

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 10:47 PM
  #7
Things like this just infuriate me. Why do people have to be so .. hateful? Controlling? Stupid? or just a lousy human being to want to cause another person trauma like this ??

I just don’t understand it.

I hope that you and you son can have a heart to heart, he needs to know that in the future it’s not up to him to be the middleman. He should have just told you what she said and then you can deal with her directly.

You live in separate countries yet she unfortunately can pull a wellness check for any reason she wants???

There should be something you can do legally to stop this nonsense.

I am so sorry you have to deal with such utter nonsense

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 11:25 PM
  #8
Thank you Christina. You are so understanding. We did have a heart to heart talk when he finally spilled the beans about what she had put him up to. Then we texted about this issue even into the next day and he eventually understood that I had not asked him to be a mediator and don't want him in that position. We talked about boundaries and about how people who violate them are going to do it again so you have to always be vigilant about not getting pulled into their sicknesses. He told me he had said to her he wouldn't keep secrets from me, be a middle man or a third party advocate.

Where I live they speak English and so does my sister. Since she is a close relative the police will take what she says to them seriously where I live in Canada. There is nothing i can do to stop this. Anything I would try would only attract more unwanted attention from the police. It is a lose-lose situation.

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Default Jul 14, 2019 at 11:32 PM
  #9
I’m glad you and your son had a much needed discussion. Boundaries are so important and I think of them as a garden, constantly needs tended to and weeds ripped out.

Hope your father’s estate is wrapped up quickly and you can go about life with her seldom involved.


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Heart Jul 15, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #10
Again, I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. It seems so very unnecessary.

I cannot think of an excellent solution. I wish I could offer one.

In the past, I have had an old friend call my home in the middle of the night,repeatedly. It was a real problem. I had asked her to stop several times.
Eventually, I had called the local police and had reported her for the way she was interrupting my life.

The police took her name and her two telephone numbers and called her, warning her to stop or she would be charged for "disturbing the peace" or some other nuisance type of a charge. She lives states away and it would be a hardship for her to make a court appearance here. She'd then stopped immediately.

I know this is a bit different from your story. Yet, the good news is that the police DID listen and DID offer some assistance. They DID reach out to another state to do so.

I wonder if you can submit a complaint to the police, telling them she is harassing you and maybe stating something like her wellness checks are just a way to do so?

I realize you maybe feel like the police will not listen and/or will then focus upon you more. I wonder if it's worth a try to get her to stop?

Just a thought. I know you are very bright and very competent in deciding what is best for you. You have my undying support in whatever works for you, of course!

Much Love to You!

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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 05:43 PM
  #11
Hi WC,

That's wonderful you were able to get help from the police by reaching out to them about the harassment you were experiencing. It has been several years since I think my sister has asked the police to make a wellness check, but it is something always that is on my mind. Police deal with these issues differently if there is a history of previous calls and they would automatically assume that i were ill if she were to call them and say so.

So I always make sure to respond to her texts within 24 hours.

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Heart Jul 15, 2019 at 08:13 PM
  #12
I am so very sorry she exercises her power over you in this way.

It makes my blood boil, knowing she has managed to make you " look bad" and like the one in need of a wellness check. I happen to think she is projecting her own illness onto you. I happen to think that SHE is in need of a wellness check. In fact, have you ever instigated a wellness check upon her? LOL!

I cannot tell you just how sorry I am that your own sister would pull this BS on you. I don't like her.

Much Love to You!

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Heart Jul 17, 2019 at 12:40 PM
  #13
Hi tecomsin,

How are you doing?
You've been on my mind.

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Default Jul 17, 2019 at 12:46 PM
  #14
The worst is that she went to my son to complain to him about something I wanted done with my part of the estate. She didn't discuss any of her concerns with me. I thought she was ok with everything. At the same time, she had him in panic that I was having an urgent mental health crisis.

The only reason this idea popped into her head is that I wanted something she disagreed with. My sister always dumps her badness onto me. I can only minimize the interaction I have with her. And do 'grey rock' to avoid getting drawn into her dramas.

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