Am I in a Depressed Phase?

Trigger Warning - I talk about depression and the "bad thoughts". Please do not read if you are triggered by such things.



It started a few months back one night suddenly. I heard some bad news and I felt a shot of anxiety slowly go through my body. I can literally feel it in my body - it starts in my chest and radiates from there outward until my whole body is shaking. It's like a shot of adrenaline after being in a car crash but it doesn't go away. It's similar to an anxiety attack.

Since then I have been somewhat agitated, but also very sad (I am a grown man and I have random crying spells which never happens). Until the past week or so, I had only been sleeping 3 to 4 hours. Basically I am sad, crying, but my body won't stay asleep. I have been exercising daily, so energy is not really an issue. I can feel good one minute and very sad the next. It is exhausting.

I have also begun obsessing over the past. My failures, my broken relationships, how much time I have wasted, etc. I have those "bad thoughts" (you know the harmful kind) that keep cropping up and I can't seem to keep them at bay for long. I can be out somewhere and I think of ways I can off myself. "What if I just walk out into traffic?" Or "What if I just drown myself in that lake over there?" I have no specific plan, but the thoughts are there and I can't control them. They are highly distressing.

Also I saw a person the other day that I never in a million years thought I'd see again. Seeing this person really really hurt and brought back memories of a relationship we had. Seeing this person doing so well and me doing so badly hurts. I always have had a feeling that I am an outcast, a loser, not good enough for anyone. I've had those feelings since I was a child. It usually ends up with me being super insecure in relationships and driving my partner mad. They leave and I go into a deep depression. So I became even more depressed after this encounter. I have been obsessing over how that relationship ended, how I screwed up, etc.

Anyway, I really want to give this one final shot. I want to defeat this, but I don't know how many chances I have left or how much more I can take. The shrinks seemingly agree I am BP1, so I wonder if this is a manic phase or a depressive phase? My negative thoughts and obsessions scream depression, but the energy I have doesn't.

I am seeing a new doctor soon and I want to run all this by him. I want a complete reevaluation of my meds. The problem is that it's hard to do in the 15 minute time slot they allot me.

I guess what I want from you all is to tell me it is possible to beat this because I am losing hope. I just don't know how much more I can take of these obsessions and negative thoughts.

Welcome to PC.

You can beat it. It may take some messing with meds and some good therapy but things can improve. It took me many years and many, many meds but 3 years ago I started a drug that they usually save for a last resort and I haven't had an episode that wasn't easily resolved since then. I haven't been in the hospital since I started it, so 3.5 years. I always have low level cycling but I don't care about that. It can take a lot of patience but if it happened for me it can happen for you. (Along with the meds therapy is absolutely vital for coping skills and support.)

Hi Dysphoria!
Thanks for the trigger warning. Another way to do this is to place the triggering content in between these two signs; [trigger} content [/trigger]. just don't put any spaces in between like I did for demonstration purposes.

I agree with BeyondtheRainbow. You can beat this! It will take time and energy; yet, you can do it, especially with a pdoc and a therapist working with you! We are here for you and will do our best to lend support to you.

Please don't give up. Please do make sure you can access a therapist, as well as a pdoc. If you feel you need more time with your pdoc, tell him/her so! S/he will most likely give you more time.

I do hope you will make yourself at home here at PC!
I hope to see you around!

I am sorry you are struggling like this. Losing the ability to control your thoughts is disheartening and it takes a toll. I wonder if maybe you are in a mixed state. That can carry aspects of mania and depression at the same time.

Try to remind yourself that your body is causing the thoughts to occur and you are more than how you feel in this moment. I agree with the others that there is hope in seeing your doctor for a med change. I also agree that therapy can be quite helpful for working through the negative thoughts in a safe environment. You found your way here to what I consider an online form of group therapy. That's a wonderful start.

I hope this resolves for you soon. We are all worthy of relationships and happiness. Sometimes it just takes a longer road to get there than we expected. Sometimes it takes more work than we expected. Peace and balance are out there though and holding faith you can find them is key.

Hi Again, Dysphoria -
How are you doing today?
When is you next appointment?

We are here for you.

It sounds like it might be a mixed state. We can't diagnose of course, it just sounds very similar to one I experienced a few years back. You CAN come out of it, even though it may not feel like it right now. Mine took a med adjustment. On top of the mixed state, shortly after it started, I landed in a highly distressing situation. I got away from it. That probably helped too.

As you mention, your appointment time is quite short. Maybe it would be a good idea to write down your concerns so as to be as efficient as possible in conveying your information.

Please let us know how it is going for you.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure