Something is wrong with my thinking? I think.

I think something is amiss with my thinking right now. I've been a little up and now I'm kind of, well sort of very, distressed. I just left a message on my psychiatrist's voicemail. I'm feeling a little concerned all of a sudden.

I know I was a bit up, but then today something odd has happened. Am I in some sort of mixed state? I woke up with a headache, but then I was thinking about making all of these cookies. I wrote here on PC a bit, but then suddenly I had this extreme fear that my psychiatrist might be retiring. He usually gives me two appointments in advance, but only gave me one. I don't know why. Maybe because he just got back from vacation. I saw him last Wednesday, and he gave me an appointment for next Wednesday (2 weeks later), but no additional. Is it because he was concerned in some way? I was kind of curious about the 2-weeks only in between, but then didn't think about it. But now I think "Why only one appointment scheduled?"

I don't think my psychiatrist is going to retire. I don't think so. But what if that was true? He told me a long while ago that he never intends to retire. But he did tell me a while back that he plans to move his office. But the place he'd move it to wouldn't be that far from my house. His current office is only a 5 minute drive from my house, but if he moved it to where he lives that would only be 25 minutes. I'm sure he wouldn't move it too much further away than that. I'd drive 60 minutes if I had to. What if he is cutting down on his patients? But I thought he said he would keep his long-term patients. He implied a long while back that he would keep me.

I think I'm just not thinking properly.

It's raining and gloomy outside. Something about the sound of the rain is making feel afraid. I have this weird adrenaline type tingling in my body, in the way that one gets when having a panic attack. Yesterday I had extreme periods of fury. I am afraid that the home owner's association's management company poisoned our potted plants in the back in retaliation for some issues we've had with them. Then I was even thinking they somehow poisoned my parrot, but the latter I am telling myself is not rationale. But the poisoning of the plants I can't get out of my head.

When I called my psychiatrist's voicemail I had a difficult time trying to describe what I'm feeling. I told him my thinking is not right. I almost stuttered like I used to stutter when I felt like this. And repeat. I hope he calls me soon. I want him to tell me that he doesn't plan to retire in the near future or drop me as a patient. I know that's likely not true, but I need to hear it.

I guess I'm suddenly panicking about all of the loss I'm experiencing. I thought I was doing great. Yesterday I felt really great and I believe my therapist likely thought I really had my stuff totally together. But she did say for me to lay low today and not go to AA. I'm not. I guess that's good.

I know my psychiatrist is not going to retire. I don't know why I keep thinking this. I think I need to take a PRN Seroquel. Should I do that now or wait for my psychiatrist to call back? I'm glad today is Wednesday and not Friday. I'm reluctant to say anything to my husband. He has been kind of worried about me lately.

I don't know what to do right now. Maybe I should take the Seroquel PRN. I will. I'll take at least 50 mg. I think 25 mg would be too little. I will take it now.

I'm sorry. Nobody has to respond to this. I'm just trying to get some of the stuff out of me. It's kind of a little like mental vomiting. I don't want to scream. This is sort of a substitute for screaming. How did this escalate to whatever is happening right now so quickly?

I almost typed that I won't answer the phone if it rings, but then realized that if it rings it might be my psychiatrist. If it is my psychiatrist I kind of don't want him to expect me to repeat all of what I said on the voicemail. I hope he listens to it completely and just asks me some questions then tells me what to do. I don't really want an emergency appointment. I just want him to tell me what I should do with any medication changes. I'll tell him I took a 50 mg Seroquel PRN. I'm going to go do that now.

I took it. Then I called my poor husband and told him and I started crying because I feel like I"m losing so many things. But then yesterday I felt so marvelous like I had my s**t together. He's now worried, but said not to go out. He said I was talking a lot and fast and loud this morning. I didn't even know that. I thought it was just a the last number of days. Anyways, he said he's coming come early anyway because of an appointmnet I didn't even know about. I will be OK once the Seroquel kicks in a bit, I think. But I wish it would stop raining. Something about the rain is bothering me. I am going to close the window. But I don't want any TV or music on. I feel sort of sensitive to noise. The only noise that seems to comfort me is the sound of may fingers banging on the keyboard.

I even told my husband that I've been going to AA. I know that probably scares him anymore. It's not that I"m going to drink. No, I don't want to drink. That's not it. I just needed people. I feel like loved ones are dropping out of my life again. My pet. My dad. Now I'm afraid that my psychiatrist could. But that doesn't make any sense. I don't think. No, but that would be a tragedy. I depend on him so much. He's like more than a dad to me. He's more than my actual dad. If he were to go away, I don't think I could take it. I can hear and see the conversation. I feel I would be left speechless and everything in me would just drop to the ground. I actually think I would faint and need to be taken home by someone. My psychiatrist would probably have to call an ambulance.

I hope the Seroquel works for you. I can understand how the change in procedure for scheduling your appointments could throw you a little, but it does seem like you are spiraling a bit. Taking the PRN meds seems like a really sound call.

I do hope your psychiatrist calls you back shortly and is able to lay some of your fears to rest. I also hope he can give you med advice over the phone like you're hoping.

I think it would be a good idea to go ahead and be honest with your husband about how you're feeling. You have been through a lot lately and I am sure he would want to help. Having his support would probably be helpful while you're in this mixed state. I hope it improves for you shortly. Hugs.

Thank you, fern. I did everything I promised and you suggested. My head is throbbing. Only mild pain, but throbbing, if that makes any sense.

Good for you for calling your husband. Smart move. I just read your update after I submitted my reply. Keep writing if it helps. We're here for you.

It seems like the loss you've been experiencing is projecting itself into other areas of your life. I had an effect like that during my last episode. Hopefully he will call soon.

I agree fully with Ferns advice . Spot on !

Can you lie down with a cool cloth on your head and try to just breath evenly ?

I’m sure everything will be fine

I hope this disconcerting state winds down for you soon, BirdDancer.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Thank you, fern, Christina, and Innerzone!

I took the 50 mg and it's taken the edge/desperation off, but I still can't think quite straight.

My husband has an appointment with his psychiatrist, but he stopped home first to see me. He'll be back in less than an hour and a half.

Did seeing him help you ??

Yes, thanks Christina. I was feeling desperate.

My psychiatrist called and raised my base Seroquel XR. I didn't understand that well at first. I see him next Wednesday or can call him before, if needed. I hope the increase works soon. The PRN has calmed the worst.

Did he clear up whether or not he might be retiring or moving his office soon? I know you were worried about those scenarios before.

Oh, Dear - I hope you feel better with each passing moment.

I certainly hope your pdoc is not retiring.

When mine had retired, he had let me know 12 months ahead of time.
He had retired approx 1.5 years ago. It was very tough! I was with him for 20+ years. I'd thought I would never find another good pdoc/therapist. I was very wrong. I had immediately found an excellent pdoc, who is also my therapist.

We just never know.

Hi fern and Wild Coyote. He didn't mention anything about retiring or not. My husband thinks my pdoc figured I was thinking irrationally, so he didn't even bother responding to that. Probably he's not retiring. I've said a lot of wild and irrational things over the years that my psychiatrist never responded to. On some occasions, I have pushed and pushed to the point where my pdoc would bark the response to me or even bark to sort of "cut it". I know, I know. Whatever!

So after I took the 50 mg regular Seroquel I sort of fell into a calm hole (like a hurricane eye), yet felt a bit downtrodden. Now I feel like I'm out of that "eye" and on the outskirts of a mild tropical storm. Yes, the hurricane has been downgraded. I was with my hubby and was yapping up a storm, and he fell asleep during that, as he often does. Then when I stop I ask "Did you hear me?" Nothing. "Did you hear me?" Nothing. So I grabbed my diet Coke and I'm now upstairs again, tapping away here. He's still sleeping on the chair in the living room.

I took my evening meds with the extra Seroquel XR my psychiatrist told me to take. So I took 550 mg Seroquel XR tonight, plus the other gang of meds. That plus the 50 mg regular took me to 600 mg today. That usually helps. We'll see how I am when I wake up. I could be as fresh and calm and sunny as a daisy.

We already ate dinner. Hubby picked up a rotisserie chicken and some salads at the grocery store on his way home from his appointment.

I had made a 10:45 am appointment for tomorrow to get my hair cut. I have no clue if that is going to happen. I already cancelled last minute the last time I was scheduled -- for yesterday. If I can make it, it's fine. Most people I've known for a while already know that I can be...Umm...mercurial. Especially on the "up" end. If I'm irritable, depressed, agitated, desperate, out of control, or otherwise scary, I'll stay home. She's seen me in my "wanna be comedienne" moods. I realize that that can also get a bit obnoxious.

BirdDancer, sorry you're having so much trouble. I hope the Seroquel XR brings you out of it. It's so disconcerting when moods are all over the place. Hope you feel better soon.

Birddancer- you've described your feelings and thoughts well. Maybe spend some time with your husband cuddling and watching a movie. That could help calm you a bit more- maybe enough to sleep when combined with the Seroquel.

I am sorry you are dealing with feeling like this. I can kind of relate to realizing "hmm my thinking is really off and not rational all of a sudden". That actually is how I experienced the accumulation of stress and resulting mood issues I experienced a couple of years ago. I am glad your pdoc called and I hope the medication helps. That's great you were self aware enough to ask for help. I can see why that would be a pretty big loss if your pdoc retired. I hope he is not going to any time soon.

Phoenix, Moose, and yellow_fleur, thank you so much!

My husband is beside me in bed, snoring at only 8:35 pm. I'm rather here typing away and declaring the "Eternal Yes". Yes, all will be well. The world is good. I love my life and others. Yes!

Hi BirdDancer, I hope you are relaxed and sleeping?
Thinking of you!

Good morning BirdDancer. How did you sleep, and how are you feeling today? Thinking of you.

Hi fern and WC. I did get some sleep. Thanks for asking! I feel really good this morning, but so far not "too good". I have to be on the lookout for a change. I often have mood escalation throughout the day. I want to keep my haircut appointment at 10:45 am. My hair is out of control.

Yesterday I ended up taking 100 mg more Seroquel than usual. 50 mg Seroquel regular PRN during the day and an extra 50 mg Seroquel XR at night, above my previous 500 mg Seroquel XR. Hopefully I'll only need the 550 mg XR tonight. If I need more PRN of regular, I'll take it again. My pdoc told me to call him again if it gets bad again. [I doubt it.] I see him next Wednesday. My morning meds (Tegretol XR, Lamictal, etc.) are not sedating. I really depend on the Seroquel for that.

Other than the haircut, I'll continue to lay low.