Oh boy, pdoc appointment today

What happens if your pdoc says something stupid, then you yell "**** you, dumbass" and run out? I can see that happening today. I don't want to go because I'm three quarters convinced I won't come home. I don't know what to tell her without flipping out because she doesn't have my best interest in mind. Only I do. I keep interpreting things the opposite of what people say like at my last appointment she said "call the emergency line if you quit your meds" and I took that as "quit your meds." And in group they said they didn't want anything bad happening to me and I think that means as "you gonna die, and we gonna be behind it." Is death bad? I don't think so because it doesn't exist. I'm terrified of becoming a figurative parasite, but becoming a literal parasite kinda excites me.
I'm petrified of these people. On a different non-mental health forum someone said my thinking is "compromised" but I feel like this is the first time I'm truly aware of reality (this one and others) and it's scary.
I want to run off and hide in the woods for a few days instead of going to this appointment. In group they said it was my organic wisdom to call the therapist, but I'm thinking that was just stupidity.
I'm highly regretting that day years ago when I asked for help, because it's only screwed me over.
Advice (that I'll take the opposite way)?

So if I were to say Don't go to the appointment, you'd interpret that as Go to the appointment? The fact that you are doing this is indicative of compromised thinking. Your recent posts also indicate there are problems with your thinking.

I really couldn't advise if I had to write the opposite of caring healthy advise. I'd be writing nonsense. If I write good advice, it will be twisted. That is an impossible situation.

You are plunging headlong down the rabbit hole, my friend. Sorry if that is too blunt.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I'm going. I heard the message that I'm supposed to in the song Waking Lions

I agree with Innerzone. This type of existential thinking is a huge red flag and was heavily present in the psychosis I experienced. Your doctor may not have your 'best' interests at heart because it is difficult to entirely know what is best for another person. However, your doctor can at least provide you with a plan for better than what you are experiencing now. Aim for health and safety and leave the 'best' part for another time when you're back to more of a rational thinking pattern.

**** my psychiatrist. All she did was tell me to get a job, stop bouncing my leg, restart the two antipsychotics I was on before, and complained about having to schedule me on her lunch break. I didn't say "**** you, dumbass" but I did flip her the bird on my way out. I hope she saw it, feels bad about being a terrible person, and kills herself tonight to spare her other patients and everyone else she has negatively affected.
Needless to say I will not be going back.

Did she explain why she wants you to take your two antipsychotics, or did she just say “take them” without giving any reason?

I do not think it is appropriate for her to complain about scheduling you during a lunch break. That is rude.

What did you expect her to say? I'm not trying to be rude, I honestly just mean in regard to the antipsychotics, if you're not going along with what she thinks is the proper treatment for you then she can't really help, there's only so much she can do for you if you're unwilling to be open to her suggestions

Her complaining about having you in her lunch break isn't right, but as for the other stuff maybe she's just frustrated and unsure what to do right now?

She said to take the two antipsychotics because "based on [my] history, I end up in the hospital off my meds," which is only true a fraction of the time. I think we all know I will live a much longer and happier life without those poisons though.
I didn't expect her to say anything helpful (which is one of the reasons why I didn't want to go), but I didn't expect her to piss me off as much as she did. I'm pretty sure my cat is smarter than her, and yeah, maybe I didn't spend $$$$$ to go to med school, but I KNOW I'm smarter.
Pretty sure if I go back on my meds I'm going to feel like ***** again and try to kill myself. **** her. I hope she gets shot at the grocery store. She is definitely not as frustrated with me as I am with her.

I COMPLETELY agree with what ALL the other WISE, WONDERFUL POSTERS have already wisely said BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! It wasn't appropriate of her to complain about her lunch break being interfered with. However PLEASE do seek treatment and follow her advice. She's there to help you. Please do that... it's for your own health. I hope you'll decide to do the BEST thing for yourself. Please be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. I hope you'll listen to your Pdoc. Keep us updated if you can and want to. Please, PLEASE stay safe! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @spikes, and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

Did you tell her that your current meds make you feel bad and cause suicidal thoughts? If she doesn’t know that, then she definitely can’t help you. If she does know that, however, then you should find a different doctor who will listen to your concerns.

She does know my current meds make me want to off myself, and no I'm not looking for a new one. I've never met a psychiatrist who will listen to my concerns. I'm pretty sure they're all liars who do Satanic rituals to kill their patients so they don't have to deal with them anymore. Based on experience, none of them will listen to my concerns, and most are probably Trump supporters who want the "mentally ill" dead or in concentration camps. They're too stupid to know that if that happens they'lll be out of a job and won't be able to find another because they'll have tattooed on their heads "I have an IQ of 50 and I like to kill and imprison people." They are toxic, and I will not let toxic people in my life.

Personally, I would not go back to this lady then. She was rude to you about the lunch break thing and she seems to ignore/dismiss the fact your current meds give you suicidal thoughts. It is very wrong of her to ignore the suicidal thoughts.

Not all psychiatrists are bad, though. There are a lot of bad ones out there for sure, but there are some good ones. However, I know it must be demotivating to try a bunch of psychiatrists and feel like they’re not listening to you.

What are the concerns you have which your psychiatrists have dismissed?

They only thing they attempt treat is productive, euphoric hypomania. Manic? Send em to the hospital. Mildly depressed? Do nothing. Severely depressed? Send em to the hospital. Psychotic? Get the hell out of my office!

So every single pdoc you’ve ever seen has done this?

Do you think maybe you were underreporting your depressive symptoms? I know I sometimes don’t do a good job of explaining how bad things are, or the doctor doesn’t understand. I know that sometimes on here you’ve said you were suicidal, but that you didnt always tell your pdoc. Or that you fake your smiles during group. So maybe they don’t think you’re as bad as you feel because they can’t see it.

If a doctor doesn’t seem to help you with your depressive symptoms, tell them that you’ve been to the hospital for depression before and that you would like to avoid going back there by nipping the depression in the bud. Stress how much you dislike going to the hospital.

At the same time, you have to remember that doctors can only do so much to help with symptoms if you don’t want to take what they prescribe you. Most of it is in your control. You don’t have to take anything you don’t want to, but if you ask for help with something, there isn’t much they can do besides prescribe something and maybe briefly talk to you about your feelings. If you are having problems coping with symptoms, then therapy can be very useful, but you have to be as open as possible for it to work. You are your own best advocate.

I know your upset about all of this and her idea how how to try and help you.

No one can be made to take anything unless it’s by court order and then usually it’s a monthly injectable Med.

I hope your anger lessens, I know your upset with her but the level of aggression and physical wishing she is shot?? Maybe thats just said since you just had the appt and isn’t something you would wish on a her generally.

Regardless of what’s needed I truly hope you get to feeling more stable and can go back to enjoying your life.

I've calmed down a lot. I still wish my pdoc wasn't on this planet because I KNOW she has done nothing but hurt others when they are already hurting. I see my t this week and I'm going to tell her I want a different pdoc even if they suck too. If she asks why, I'll be honest. I'll probably fly off the handle, but I'll be honest. Maybe that'll be a good intro to "I need to work on my anger issues," and if she can't help me with that, I'll ask for a new t too.