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Trig Aug 19, 2019 at 01:10 PM
  #1
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A few days ago I was feeling extremely discouraged. I mean, strongly so. Various circumstances. I couldn't stop ruminating about the stuff that had added up in my mind. My mind and my feelings were making me crazy. I was angry, frustrated, terribly hurt, and ashamed. I was trying to stop the thoughts and just blur them away until bedtime.

I took several pills of a certain medication. Nowhere near enough to cause an overdose, as in a permanent checking out. Technically, though, I guess I took an overdose because I took more pills than are prescribed. Is doing that an overdose? Or is just "taking too many pills"?

Also, what is the difference between wanting to quiet one's mind and the intention to die?

I did speak with my pdoc about what happened and will see my T today. But I'm really wondering what others who are actually living with a mental illness day to day think.

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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 01:28 PM
  #2
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can understand wanting to quiet your mind. I think you are playing with fire though. Many people have died unintentionally doing the exact same thing you did. They take an extra pill or two thinking it will just give them slightly more of the effect than normal, but then the drug interacts with their body unexpectedly and its too late to fix it. Our bodies are so sensitive to the chemicals we ingest. It is difficult to know exactly how much is too much. This is especially true if you are taking more than one med. The efficacy of some of these meds changes drastically once you hit a certain level, so sometimes doubling a dose can create a much greater effect.

There are healthier ways to quiet the mind. I would spend time learning and perfecting those the next time you are stable. Practice and then you'll be ready to use one or more of the techniques the next time you are in a bad place and need them.

I think wanting to die is different than wanting to quiet the mind. You were seeking relief as opposed to a permanent end. I just fear you might accidentally create an end for yourself using drugs to seek relief.

What did your pdoc say?
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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 01:43 PM
  #3
Trigger Warning -

I've been on the threshold many times. I would stare at my medication bottle and think:
"Should I take a few more than what's prescribed here?" I can relate to quieting the mind of so many intrusive and instigating thoughts. I have actually doubled up on some meds but never benzos because I'm scared I might do permanent damage to myself that can never be reversed. I agree with fern46, you may want to be careful how much you want to put into your body. wwe are very sensitive to the chemicals and in taking more than what is prescribed can be a slippery slope. just be very careful seeking relief. perhaps learning coping skills to deal with it all all, like fern46 suggested. def ask your PDoc!

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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 01:51 PM
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Hugs, BethRags. I'm so sorry you were feeling so extremely unwell that you decided to take so many pills in an effort to stop the pain. I'm glad you've seen your psychiatrist and will see your therapist very soon. I'm assuming you are feeling at least a little better by now? I hope so.

I don't know exactly what is and isn't considered an O.D. beyond what I could read about them online. All I know is that taking any amount beyond what is prescribed is a bad sign, and sometimes a very dangerous or fatal one.

I won't tell my whole story, but I'll say this. It isn't good to take more than you should. You definitely shouldn't drink excessively. Any extra amount can be dangerous. Hospitals and doctors take any extra amount seriously. Instead of resorting to an O.D. call someone for help or go to the hospital.
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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 02:08 PM
  #5
Thanks to each of you for your quick replies. I should have posted this yesterday, not waited until an hour before my t appt. So, well, yeah...your replies are helping to sort out what to tell my T.

I can see, when I actually read your words, how taking even a few extra pills could be disastrous. My therapist keeps trying to teach me mindfulness techniques and i think if i hear the word "mindfulness" from one more mental health professional I seriously will puke on their shoes.

I just want to talk about how I feel, not fulfill the agenda they learned in the most recent workshop.

On the other hand, yes...I can clearly see that I need a "tool" so I can cope.

I'm just so tired, wish I could sleep for about 3 days.

If I can help it I won't ever go IP again. The most recent time was in Nov. and it was a nightmare. Really bad. Plus, the town in which i live has only 12 beds in the psych ward so they transfer patients to other hospitals one to three hours away. Talk about crazy

My pdoc...unusual for her - very. She didn't say much except that she told me to come back in 4 days. And my T called me twice, so I guess pdoc told T to check on me. But I know that Dr. psychiatrist will sooo crack down on the amounts of meds she gives me now. Once she mentioned that she prescribe me only 3 days at a time (not because I had taken too many, but because she was just "concerned").

Oh, well. Oh, well. Thank you very, very much fern, jedi, and Birdie

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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 02:20 PM
  #6
I am REALLY HAPPY that you're safe, @BethRags! I'm not sure about what the technical definition of an OD is as well, but certainly taking more Meds than prescribes can be REALLY dangerous. Thank God you're safe! I'm SO SORRY you're in so much pain though! I hope things will get better soon for you. Keep working on yourself! Yes, I can understand how being told the same thing over and over must be annoying so I don't balme you Still, it's not bad advice like you've noted. Give it a try if you can. It's important tho have coping skills Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BethRags, and ALL of your Loved Ones! STAY SAFE!

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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 04:12 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
Thanks to each of you for your quick replies. I should have posted this yesterday, not waited until an hour before my t appt. So, well, yeah...your replies are helping to sort out what to tell my T.

I can see, when I actually read your words, how taking even a few extra pills could be disastrous. My therapist keeps trying to teach me mindfulness techniques and i think if i hear the word "mindfulness" from one more mental health professional I seriously will puke on their shoes.

I just want to talk about how I feel, not fulfill the agenda they learned in the most recent workshop.

On the other hand, yes...I can clearly see that I need a "tool" so I can cope.

I'm just so tired, wish I could sleep for about 3 days.

If I can help it I won't ever go IP again. The most recent time was in Nov. and it was a nightmare. Really bad. Plus, the town in which i live has only 12 beds in the psych ward so they transfer patients to other hospitals one to three hours away. Talk about crazy

My pdoc...unusual for her - very. She didn't say much except that she told me to come back in 4 days. And my T called me twice, so I guess pdoc told T to check on me. But I know that Dr. psychiatrist will sooo crack down on the amounts of meds she gives me now. Once she mentioned that she prescribe me only 3 days at a time (not because I had taken too many, but because she was just "concerned").

Oh, well. Oh, well. Thank you very, very much fern, jedi, and Birdie
I also got a little tired of hearing the words mindfulness techniques and also coping skills. Then I realized they were basically asking me to ground myself back into the moment and then distract myself for a while until I felt better. I'm a mother of small children. I'm familiar with 'keepin it real' and finding all kinds of creative ways to pass time.

I think the trick is to know it is a moving target and what works in one moment may not be the right fit for the next. Strategy, trial and error and determination can pull you through.

I think it is amazing you were honest about what happened with your med team. I hope this rough patch ends for you soon. Many blessings.
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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 06:39 PM
  #8
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I am REALLY HAPPY that you're safe, @BethRags! I'm not sure about what the technical definition of an OD is as well, but certainly taking more Meds than prescribes can be REALLY dangerous. Thank God you're safe!

Thanks, MC. I'm grateful that I'm safe, too. Weird...at the time I was in such agony all I wanted to do was to stop the pain. Now I feel kinda scared...I mean...whoa, what did I really think I was doing?

I'm SO SORRY you're in so much pain though! I hope things will get better soon for you. Keep working on yourself! Yes, I can understand how being told the same thing over and over must be annoying so I don't balme you Still, it's not bad advice like you've noted. Give it a try if you can. It's important tho have coping skills Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @BethRags, and ALL of your Loved Ones! STAY SAFE!
You are so kind. When I read your posts I feel immediately hopeful.


I am feeling quite a bit better, just tired. I had an excellent session with my therapist today...maybe this whole thing had to happen in order for me to accept that healing might just involve some tools that I might not immediately take to...I accept that I get annoyed with the "one size fits all" techniques but then, it is very possible that I need to have a better understanding of them, because I might end up surprised to find that something like mindfulness could be helpful. I'm willing to try!

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Default Aug 19, 2019 at 07:23 PM
  #9
BethRags I am glad you are okay. That is concerning that you took more pills than prescribed. I am glad you were honest with your psychiatrist and therapist. I am also glad to hear you had a great therapy session. I can understand feeling frustrated at being told to try mindfulness. I have experienced benefits of mindfulness and meditation in the past and am a believer that it can really help me. However, I also find myself sometimes a little frustrated when being repeatedly told to try it. It can feel a bit simplistic when given a quick lesson on mindfulness and then just being told to be more mindful when I am struggling. Sometimes I have felt like when someone tells me to use a coping skill and I am maxed out trying to cope that it's like being told to try harder. I know that's not what is intended, but it can feel that way to me if suggested at the wrong time.
Personally I have come to think with mindfulness it's more about making it a part of a mental health routine and developing it as a skill rather than it being any sort of quick fix or something that can fix any problem we have. I was considering going to a meditation center for sessions so that there is some structure and maybe a motivating group setting. Anyways now I am rambling. I hope you find something that helps and please stay safe and reach out if you need help.
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 09:23 AM
  #10
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I also got a little tired of hearing the words mindfulness techniques and also coping skills. Then I realized they were basically asking me to ground myself back into the moment and then distract myself for a while until I felt better. I'm a mother of small children. I'm familiar with 'keepin it real' and finding all kinds of creative ways to pass time.


Oh, wow, yeah...I remember those days. They seem like such a real and innocent time to me, now.


I think the trick is to know it is a moving target and what works in one moment may not be the right fit for the next. Strategy, trial and error and determination can pull you through.


You have described that so perfectly. Better than I've heard anyone describe it. Thanks!


I think it is amazing you were honest about what happened with your med team. I hope this rough patch ends for you soon. Many blessings.


They seemed surprised thast I was honest, too. Which surprised me, haha. I figured it was in my best interest to be honest, and fair to them. But ohhhh, brother....my pdoc will be watching my pills like a hawk now. I'm not looking forward to that annoyance.

Thank you, fern
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:22 AM
  #11
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You're most welcome. Any service I can offer brings me joy.

Let them watch you like a hawk. Show them you can do this. Show them what they want to see. Not because you are faking it. Not because it is what they want. Do it because making the changes you need to make serves you well. Do it because you're worth it!
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:18 PM
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BethRags I am glad you are okay. Thank you, fleurs. So am I. That is concerning that you took more pills than prescribed. I am glad you were honest with your psychiatrist and therapist. I am also glad to hear you had a great therapy session. Yes, yes, and yes. I can understand feeling frustrated at being told to try mindfulness. I have experienced benefits of mindfulness and meditation in the past and am a believer that it can really help me. However, I also find myself sometimes a little frustrated when being repeatedly told to try it. It can feel a bit simplistic when given a quick lesson on mindfulness and then just being told to be more mindful when I am struggling. Sometimes I have felt like when someone tells me to use a coping skill and I am maxed out trying to cope that it's like being told to try harder. Oh, my gosh - that's how I feel exactly. I do want to work on mindfulness, but I also want to be heard, not just given a one-size-fits all. I know that's not what is intended, but it can feel that way to me if suggested at the wrong time.
Personally I have come to think with mindfulness it's more about making it a part of a mental health routine and developing it as a skill rather than it being any sort of quick fix or something that can fix any problem we have. I was considering going to a meditation center for sessions so that there is some structure and maybe a motivating group setting. I think that would be terrific! Anyways now I am rambling. I hope you find something that helps and please stay safe and reach out if you need help.Thank you for your thoughtful post! You have really helped me sort out some confusions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:19 PM
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You're most welcome. Any service I can offer brings me joy.

Let them watch you like a hawk. Show them you can do this. Show them what they want to see. Not because you are faking it. Not because it is what they want. Do it because making the changes you need to make serves you well. Do it because you're worth it!

Thank you

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:26 PM
  #14
Several years ago I was dangerously suicidal and wound up IP. I had to have a safety plan in place before I went home. I didn't have anyone to help keep my meds safe from me so we worked it out that they were in a lock box and my therapist had the only key. We went a long way, from him watching closely that I took the right meds and then he supervised less and less. It took a long time before my pdoc and therapist felt I could handle having all my meds again and I felt it was an earned privilege that I was proud of.

I would do the same thing again if needed.

Med safety is tough sometimes.

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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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Several years ago I was dangerously suicidal and wound up IP. I had to have a safety plan in place before I went home. I didn't have anyone to help keep my meds safe from me so we worked it out that they were in a lock box and my therapist had the only key. We went a long way, from him watching closely that I took the right meds and then he supervised less and less. It took a long time before my pdoc and therapist felt I could handle having all my meds again and I felt it was an earned privilege that I was proud of.

I would do the same thing again if needed.

Med safety is tough sometimes.

My pdoc mentioned something similar months ago. Wasn't sure why she mentioned it, since I hadn't in any way abused meds at that point, but .

I'm afraid she's going to go that route now. But how did you take meds under supervision during off hours? I mean, every night, for example?
------------------

I'm sorry - I re-read and understand that you were IP during that time.

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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #16
I was actually out of the hospital. I didn't explain well. Every week I filled my pill box under supervision. Then that went home and went into a box that was locked with a code. I had access to that so I could have taken that much medication at once but no more than a week's worth which was fairly safe (and as my therapist pointed out, if I wanted to overdose I could go into any store and buy meds that he couldn't control). The box at home being locked was meant to slow me down if I got upset and impulsive; I never needed that safety feature.

It wasn't fun but it wasn't that bad either. It was what I needed to be safe and it worked. I'd do it again if I had to.

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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 02:26 PM
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I was actually out of the hospital. I didn't explain well. Every week I filled my pill box under supervision. Then that went home and went into a box that was locked with a code. I had access to that so I could have taken that much medication at once but no more than a week's worth which was fairly safe (and as my therapist pointed out, if I wanted to overdose I could go into any store and buy meds that he couldn't control). The box at home being locked was meant to slow me down if I got upset and impulsive; I never needed that safety feature.

It wasn't fun but it wasn't that bad either. It was what I needed to be safe and it worked. I'd do it again if I had to.
Thanks so much for your interesting information.

Hmm. That doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, and I'm thinking that when my pdoc mentioned something about me having to take meds under supervision, that's what she meant...a lock-box. I kept imagining myself driving to the clinic before bedtime and having some security guard watch people take their meds, lol. I couldn't figure out what on earth she was referring to.

I'm happy to hear that the lock-box was a success for you. That's great!

I wonder if I can request a lock box just in case I am tempted to take too many pills. I don't expect to be, but better safe than sorry.

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Default Aug 22, 2019 at 02:45 PM
  #18
I just got my own. I had 2 toolboxes that had the capacity to have padlocks attached. One held all my dangerous meds and went to therapy with me (I always felt self-conscious but nobody seemed to really notice) and the other stayed home and had one (later 2) weeks of at a time in it. That was the one with the code I could open myself when it was med-time.

If you have someone at home to help with meds they'll probably suggest doing something pretty similar but with your meds given to you daily from a locked box. I just didn't have that kind of help so we did it the other way. I was on a really strict safety plan; for quite a while I had to give up sharps to my therapist as well and I even had a few weeks I wasn't safe enough to shave my legs.

Things are much, much better now.

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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 08:39 AM
  #19
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I just got my own. I had 2 toolboxes that had the capacity to have padlocks attached. One held all my dangerous meds and went to therapy with me (I always felt self-conscious but nobody seemed to really notice) and the other stayed home and had one (later 2) weeks of at a time in it. That was the one with the code I could open myself when it was med-time.

If you have someone at home to help with meds they'll probably suggest doing something pretty similar but with your meds given to you daily from a locked box. I just didn't have that kind of help so we did it the other way. I was on a really strict safety plan; for quite a while I had to give up sharps to my therapist as well and I even had a few weeks I wasn't safe enough to shave my legs.

Things are much, much better now.

First of all, I'm so glad to hear that things are much better for you now.

I am impressed by your idea to create a lock box for yourself. What a wonderful way to self-care.


I am seriously considering doing the same thing (I don't have anyone to help monitor my meds at home). I am not sui at this time - and of course, I say to myself that I will be able to control myself if I am tempted to take too many pills. In reality, however...not necessarily the case.

Thank you again, Rainbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Default Aug 24, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #20
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it is very smart to put something like this together when you are feeling well. You now know you have a history, so planning for it and being prepared in advance sets you up for success. You can then rest easier knowing you've taken steps to protect yourself in this way.
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