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losthusband
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Trig Aug 19, 2019 at 07:11 PM
  #1
Hi all. This is long. Also, not 100% sure if this is the right forum though I have been lurking Lamictal related issues here and found people here friendly/relatable to my situation.

I’m 32 and my wife is 31. We’ve been together for 13 years or almost all of our adult life. We have two children together, ages 6 and 3. We are an upper-middle class family with stable finances and little stress from work. Our six-year-old boy has been diagnosed with autism about 3.5 years ago. During that time, she was sad and stressed about the situation. We’ve gotten into numerous fights about treatment options. She wanted to try alternative treatments such as supplements, different kind of antibiotics from non-medical doctors, etc. I belittled her methods - calling them quacks and scams accompanied with other snide remarks. It caused a lot of friction in our marriage although I ultimately relented and agreed to do all those treatments. While I still disagree with those treatments, it was my approach that I regretted.

She did not have any noticeable episodes of depression up to this point. Over the course of the next couple of years she began to become more withdrawn from the outside world. She stopped wanting to host our annual Friendsgiving or hanging out with other parents’ with children. We seriously entertained moving to a different state because she wasn’t happy where we were in life despite outward success. She would sometimes be anxious and scream at our children, a little beyond her normal self. I chalked it up as stress and didn’t draw any red flags.

About a year ago, she got to a point in her depression where she could no longer go to work or even the desire to get out of bed. All she wanted to do was sink into her bed. She was also passively suicidal with thoughts of “I wish I weren’t alive” “I wish I were dead”. She didn’t want any drugs to treat her depression so instead she received four hours a day of intensive therapy for two weeks. It was mildly helpful and she returned to work. Nothing much happened for a couple of months until she had another episode of extreme sadness. It was also during this period when she started to tell me that she didn’t love me anymore – how she wishes I were more romantic, that I told her I love her more frequently, that she’s special to me, etc. I began taking her to more places to travel, and did some of the things she listed. Although trying, but because I am not expressive in those categories, I didn’t do a great job at it that was satisfactory to her. Her mood was mostly sad though occasionally angry.

Shortly after how she told me she no longer loves me, she began taking Celexa (20mg) because other areas of her life were crumbling besides mine. She was again having trouble sleeping, low energy, feeling worthlessness/hopeless, basically all the signs of a depressive episode. And like a magic potion, it worked immediately, the day of taking the first pill. Her energy levels were amazing, she could sleep, she was happy about me and life again. This period of time was amazing in our lives where I felt like I had my wife back that I haven’t seen in a couple of years. She stopped taking Celexa three months later because she started breaking out like a teenager. She had some mild withdrawal symptoms but nothing too major. Things were fine for a bit. I was happy that she was now she wasn’t even relying on psychiatric meds.

About two months ago, she suggested a talk of separation saying again that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she’s unhappy and trapped in our marriage. A couple of nights later, while checking her phone, I discovered that she’s been chatting with her coworker for about 4-5 hours a day via text. Those texts were flirty and sexual in nature. When confronted, she insisted she’s done nothing wrong because she never went out with him or did anything physical with him. She said that she’s doing that to fill the void that I was not fulfilling. We decided to seek a marriage counselor. In the back of my mind, I felt like this has to do with her depression and that once she gets out of this state, she will be “back to normal.”

About 3-4 weeks went by where it was me attempting to make things up to her. Unlike her time with Celexa, she rebuffed all my attempts. She found my presence annoying – everything little thing I did bothered her. We’d have a good day with a couple bad days in between, or if we’re lucky, the ratio was reversed. Her other symptoms besides hating me got worse and we went to the urgent care to get a different brand of SSRI hoping to aid her depression. There, we were sent to an ER (because of her passive suicidal thoughts) and was in volunteer hold for 12 hours before seeing a therapist. The day after, she began Zoloft (50mg).

Her symptoms didn’t improve this time. She was getting more agitated, more irritable, while still depressed the majority of the time. One evening, she and her mom got into a massive verbal argument. They were screaming rate R things at each other, which is slightly out of character. It followed with them throwing things at each other.
Possible trigger:
They released her after 24 hours and started her on Lexapro (5mg) instead of Zoloft.

Her mood was still irritable during the first week of Lexapro but she was no longer as sad as she was when she was on Zoloft/nothing. She was very angry at me and kept saying I’m the cause of her depression. That I need to be removed from her life if she wants to be happy. Her mind is made and that she 100% wants a separation. That day, we began to talk through the logistic of the separation and I was ready to move out because I’ve been emotionally drained. This is the toughest period of my life.

Then that evening, I spoke with a pharmacist and a physiatrist acquaintance of mine (this was about a week ago) and they said that her behavior is more consistent with bipolar than it is with depression. Usually depressed people don’t get as confrontational/irritable. They felt like her pdoc misdiagnosed her with general depression and shouldn’t have given her SSRI. Further, my physiatrist acquaintance said that it’s a red flag when the Celexa worked almost immediately. And that she was/is probably in a hypomanic state. He said if I talk to her pdoc she would mostly agree and ask for a 2nd opinion if that’s not the case. I went with her to see her pdoc a couple of days later and doc’s in agreement that she should stop SSRI and try something new.
So for the last four days, she started on 25 mg of Lamictal. It’s been causing her to be sleepy/drowsy. She no longer hates me (yay!). Last night she told me she thinks I’m a good husband and father. However, she still insists on us getting a separation. She still wants to be free/independent. She doesn’t want me to hinder her ability to seek true happiness. She claims it has nothing to do with the co-worker fling and that she’s stopped talking to him entirely. She says she doesn’t want to get a divorce because she’s afraid she’ll regret the decision. She says I can continue to live in the house and raise our children together. We still share a bed, have great sex (in fact nearly daily due to her increased in libido), hang out with our kids, and share some of our work/life problems together. But she’s not super close to me emotionally at the moment, at least not all the time.

I decided I’m sticking around for a bit. I’m hoping that her decision to separate from me is partly due to her BP. While I recognize that we have some issues, I don’t think that they warrant us getting a divorce. On top of that, we have two young children who need us. The docs say that it’ll take about 2-4 weeks before she starts to feel better on lamictal. I feel a bit foolish putting our marriage in the hands of a drug to solve it but I’m out of cards to play. I don’t know what else to do. In the meantime, I feel like if I were to move out of the house, our marriage is effectively over. She keeps asking me to move on to find a different woman. I know most people with a BP/depressed spouse don’t make it. I also desperately want to because I still love her and love our children.

I’m at a loss. I'm having trouble eating/sleeping/being productive at work. I’d would like to hear thoughts from those of you who are going/gone through BP. What should or can I do in this situation?

Thanks for reading.

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 19, 2019 at 08:51 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 01:11 AM
  #2
I'm not married and don't feel qualified to say much about your marriage. It does sound like couples therapy might be beneficial for you both and individual therapy for your wife if she's not getting it already. Mostly welcome to PC and I hope someone will be more helpful than this.

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 04:07 AM
  #3
I am sorry you are going through this. If she is bipolar it explains her depressive states but do you think she has experienced mania or hypomania? Is she diagnosed with BPI or II? Do you think she talks about separation because she feels she is holding you back and making you miserable or does she want to move on herself? How are your kids reacting to all of this?

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 07:37 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I am sorry you are going through this. If she is bipolar it explains her depressive states but do you think she has experienced mania or hypomania? Is she diagnosed with BPI or II? Do you think she talks about separation because she feels she is holding you back and making you miserable or does she want to move on herself? How are your kids reacting to all of this?
She's diagnosed with BP2. She's mentioned that she feels like she's holding me back and making me sad. But I think mostly it's because she wants to move on herself, taking her of her emotions, etc. Our kids are not currently aware of the situation though they would be if I were to move out.

I think she's experienced/experiencing a hypomanic state. On the DSM qualifications, she has an inflated sense of self-esteem, ideas are racing in her head, she's increasing her sex drive (she also has a strong desire to have sex with others but hasn't acted on it), want to constantly go shopping/look attractive (way more than before), and extremely irritable. Though this episode feels like it's been ongoing instead of just through a short 4-6 day period. None of the things she's been doing is extreme or qualifies as mania. IE she hasn't slept with four different people in four nights or spent 100k on shopping in a week or thinks that she's God. But she's def not "herself" at the moment.
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 09:02 AM
  #5
I'm 36 and I've been with my husband all of my adult life. I'm often disconnected for me meds aren't going to fix that. Days that I don't see him as an enemy and actually believe he loves me are good days. I sick around by withdrawing on the bad days. If you can afford it intensive therapy with couples therapy may be useful. Why aren't we divorced ? Well, I love him and accept him and he loves me and accepts me. I also warn him when he can't do anything right. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without them. Some times I feel trapped and tricked. I have to remind myself these feelings will pass. That they/I care.

Like last night: I told him "I love you, I'm going to bed" he said "I love you" back. 2 min. later I scream "I love you" from the room, He texted and asked if that was to make him go to bed. I told him "No, I just believe it tonight". We probably said it 5 more times before I fell asleep. I was a nice feeling given that a few days ago I thought he was going to try and hospitalize me.

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow View Post
I'm not married and don't feel qualified to say much about your marriage. It does sound like couples therapy might be beneficial for you both and individual therapy for your wife if she's not getting it already. Mostly welcome to PC and I hope someone will be more helpful than this.
Thanks for the welcome. We are in both couples therapy as well as individual therapy.
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:12 AM
  #7
Also to add some context, her Limictal dosage will increase from 25 to 50 to 100 over the course of four weeks.

Last edited by CANDC; Aug 20, 2019 at 05:47 PM.. Reason: reason to post
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom View Post
I'm 36 and I've been with my husband all of my adult life. I'm often disconnected for me meds aren't going to fix that. Days that I don't see him as an enemy and actually believe he loves me are good days. I sick around by withdrawing on the bad days. If you can afford it intensive therapy with couples therapy may be useful. Why aren't we divorced ? Well, I love him and accept him and he loves me and accepts me. I also warn him when he can't do anything right. Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without them. Some times I feel trapped and tricked. I have to remind myself these feelings will pass. That they/I care.

Like last night: I told him "I love you, I'm going to bed" he said "I love you" back. 2 min. later I scream "I love you" from the room, He texted and asked if that was to make him go to bed. I told him "No, I just believe it tonight". We probably said it 5 more times before I fell asleep. I was a nice feeling given that a few days ago I thought he was going to try and hospitalize me.
Wow bolded are identical to what we go through. The good days are still good, but the bad days could be so.. unbearable at times. Having children is great at reminding us that they need us to stay strong.

She says verbatim that she "feels trapped and tricked". =(
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 02:46 PM
  #9
I skimmed through your post and just wanted to say I used to be your wife, to my husband. Even to the point of outright cheating on him and neglecting the kids. I had to make the decision myself one day that if I didn't treat my BP with meds and regular therapy that I would lose them. It took him sitting me down and telling me that he can't live this way anymore and he deserved to have a partner who loves him. And deep down I did, and still do.
It's really hard work for both of you, but the way you are able to recognize when you communicate poorly is a huge benefit to your situation.
If you are not happy with your situation then tell her what you need from her. She then has the choice to work with you on a compromise, or not. But having BP is not an excuse to treat your loved ones, including small children in such a way. And she is so lucky (as am I ) to have a partner who wants to help her help herself.
Hope this helps, best of luck.
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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 05:00 PM
  #10
Hello and welcome!

I am sorry for the pain you have been enduring.

I give you a lot of credit for reaching out to look for information and for support.

I want to be honest with you. I do not want to further upset you. I think I can help you best by telling you my truth. I fully believe that there is a root issue within your marriage, which comes out whenever your wife is feeling less inhibited. (Many people living with BP illness go through periods of feeling less inhibited.) I strongly encourage you both to seek couples counseling even if, at some point, the goal becomes the intention of pursuing a sane separation for eveyone's sake.

Both my husband and I have been diagnosed as BPII. I have never even considered cheating on my husband, physically,nor emotionally. I have never gone over the line. I have never lied to him or disrespected our vows to one another. (I have BPII illness.) It's been very different with my husband. He has head repeated episodes which were very close to infidelity and more. When we would go to couples counseling, he'd always blamed his illness. Too often, the marriage counselor would allow this explanation/excuse. Over the years, this pattern had kept repeating until it became worse each time. He has never been dedicated to our marriage, rarely honored our vows. But remember, we are both diagnosed with BPII illness. Again, there are often root causes which have very little, if anything, to do with living with BP illness.

I wish you and your family healing.

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #11
Though this episode feels like it's been ongoing instead of just through a short 4-6 day period. My episodes can last weeks/months.

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #12
As the adult child of divorced parents and the parent who had three kids when I divorced their dad I'm telling to think long and hard about actually getting a divorce. My attorney told me I was right about everything I complained about to her- now I see it was her way of getting my money. Most of all- divorce is serious to the kids- grown, like I was, or still very young like my kids were. It leaves a big impact- even IF you're the one who wants it. A word to the wise...

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Default Aug 20, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #13
I have to say I was blown away by your post (in a good way). I have so much respect for the way you have handled the situation; I know it's not easy being married to someone with bipolar. I have BPII as well, and it's been really hard on my wife, especially when the hypomanic tendencies can be of a sexual nature that are very harmful to a spouse. Thankfully, she has been patient with me and is so supportive in helping me get better.

I'm really glad they finally got the correct diagnosis since SSRIs can make bipolar disorder even worse. I was on zoloft for 2 years, and am just now realizing how distant I made my wife feel during those times. With bipolar, it's like you said - there are some days when I can just be really irritable and mean to other people. If someone upsets me, I always point the finger at them and seldom accept my share of the blame. I have to win every argument and can be really selfish.

The good news is that the medicines really do help. It can take a while to find the right one (I'm still going through that process), but I'm optimistic. When I take a mood stabilizer, I feel more connected to people around me and more sympathetic. It's almost like I'm a different person. There will be times when your wife might seem distant because some of the meds can make you less social or feel kind of blah, but they should at least curb her hypomanic tendencies. I'll pray for you that things continue to get better; hang in there!
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 07:23 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by BipolarMama31 View Post
I skimmed through your post and just wanted to say I used to be your wife, to my husband. Even to the point of outright cheating on him and neglecting the kids. I had to make the decision myself one day that if I didn't treat my BP with meds and regular therapy that I would lose them. It took him sitting me down and telling me that he can't live this way anymore and he deserved to have a partner who loves him. And deep down I did, and still do.
It's really hard work for both of you, but the way you are able to recognize when you communicate poorly is a huge benefit to your situation.
If you are not happy with your situation then tell her what you need from her. She then has the choice to work with you on a compromise, or not. But having BP is not an excuse to treat your loved ones, including small children in such a way. And she is so lucky (as am I ) to have a partner who wants to help her help herself.
Hope this helps, best of luck.
Thank you for saying this. May I ask if if you feel that your medication had help during this process?
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 08:27 AM
  #15
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Originally Posted by Wild Coyote View Post
Hello and welcome!

I am sorry for the pain you have been enduring.

I give you a lot of credit for reaching out to look for information and for support.

I want to be honest with you. I do not want to further upset you. I think I can help you best by telling you my truth. I fully believe that there is a root issue within your marriage, which comes out whenever your wife is feeling less inhibited. (Many people living with BP illness go through periods of feeling less inhibited.) I strongly encourage you both to seek couples counseling even if, at some point, the goal becomes the intention of pursuing a sane separation for eveyone's sake.

Both my husband and I have been diagnosed as BPII. I have never even considered cheating on my husband, physically,nor emotionally. I have never gone over the line. I have never lied to him or disrespected our vows to one another. (I have BPII illness.) It's been very different with my husband. He has head repeated episodes which were very close to infidelity and more. When we would go to couples counseling, he'd always blamed his illness. Too often, the marriage counselor would allow this explanation/excuse. Over the years, this pattern had kept repeating until it became worse each time. He has never been dedicated to our marriage, rarely honored our vows. But remember, we are both diagnosed with BPII illness. Again, there are often root causes which have very little, if anything, to do with living with BP illness.

I wish you and your family healing.
Hi thank you for the welcome.

I don't doubt our marriage has issues. I think we do, and some of them are communication ones. However, though I may be biased, I think the issues may be stemming from the root problems or bipolar disorder, though I am not sure and will never know for now.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 09:01 AM
  #16
I wanted to say welcome and I am sorry you and your wife are going through this. Your story reminds me of my parents. My mother became unhappy in their marriage for several reasons. She repressed a lot of it and then she had a manic episode. During her episode she projected a lot of her dissatisfaction in life onto my father. Afterward she decided she would only be able to be well if she were no longer with my father. She felt like he was triggering her issues and I also think she didn't really want to face up to some of her behavior while manic. He saw her differently after she got sick and she didn't like seeing that reflection every day. They ultimately divorced after 30+ years of marriage.

My mother did go on to recover. She hasn't been manic since and all of this happened almost 15 years ago. I think though she realized after my dad was out of the picture that she needed to work on herself. He wasn't the only cause of her problems and she needed to take time to address a number of things to ensure her well being.

I really applaud you for attending counseling sessions and coming here for additional support. I wish my father had done something similar. It took him a long time to make peace with losing the wife my mom was before she got sick. She was the love of his life and he felt like mania ripped her away from him. I imagine you might be feeling something similar. I understand this feeling too. My mother was also triggered by me and walked away from me until just recently as well. It hurts and all I wanted was my mom to go back to the way I remembered her when she was well. She was a happy go lucky positive person who was incredibly smart. It was just so hard to accept the change.

The good news is she did heal. She did come around in time. She just needed the space to do it. My best advice is to give your wife room to find herself again. She may need time alone. My heart goes out to you because you also have to worry about keeping your young children safe, so you do have to watch her closely. Just try to give as much latitude as you can and love her from a distance for a while. People say and do strange stuff when they are manic or depressed, but there's often truth at the root of it. She's asking for space, so your challenge is to find a way to honor that while honoring your own needs.

I am hopeful for you and your family. I wish you all the best. Blessings.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 09:24 AM
  #17
@pacman:
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I'm really glad they finally got the correct diagnosis since SSRIs can make bipolar disorder even worse. I was on zoloft for 2 years,
I just wanted to say that I agree with this. I have heard of BP people being on ssri's with a mood stabilizer IMO SNRI's are much better for bipolar.

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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
I wanted to say welcome and I am sorry you and your wife are going through this. Your story reminds me of my parents. My mother became unhappy in their marriage for several reasons. She repressed a lot of it and then she had a manic episode. During her episode she projected a lot of her dissatisfaction in life onto my father. Afterward she decided she would only be able to be well if she were no longer with my father. She felt like he was triggering her issues and I also think she didn't really want to face up to some of her behavior while manic. He saw her differently after she got sick and she didn't like seeing that reflection every day. They ultimately divorced after 30+ years of marriage.

My mother did go on to recover. She hasn't been manic since and all of this happened almost 15 years ago. I think though she realized after my dad was out of the picture that she needed to work on herself. He wasn't the only cause of her problems and she needed to take time to address a number of things to ensure her well being.

I really applaud you for attending counseling sessions and coming here for additional support. I wish my father had done something similar. It took him a long time to make peace with losing the wife my mom was before she got sick. She was the love of his life and he felt like mania ripped her away from him. I imagine you might be feeling something similar. I understand this feeling too. My mother was also triggered by me and walked away from me until just recently as well. It hurts and all I wanted was my mom to go back to the way I remembered her when she was well. She was a happy go lucky positive person who was incredibly smart. It was just so hard to accept the change.

The good news is she did heal. She did come around in time. She just needed the space to do it. My best advice is to give your wife room to find herself again. She may need time alone. My heart goes out to you because you also have to worry about keeping your young children safe, so you do have to watch her closely. Just try to give as much latitude as you can and love her from a distance for a while. People say and do strange stuff when they are manic or depressed, but there's often truth at the root of it. She's asking for space, so your challenge is to find a way to honor that while honoring your own needs.

I am hopeful for you and your family. I wish you all the best. Blessings.
Amazing post that touched me multiple times. Thank you.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 09:38 AM
  #19
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Originally Posted by pacman_789 View Post
I have to say I was blown away by your post (in a good way). I have so much respect for the way you have handled the situation; I know it's not easy being married to someone with bipolar. I have BPII as well, and it's been really hard on my wife, especially when the hypomanic tendencies can be of a sexual nature that are very harmful to a spouse. Thankfully, she has been patient with me and is so supportive in helping me get better.

I'm really glad they finally got the correct diagnosis since SSRIs can make bipolar disorder even worse. I was on zoloft for 2 years, and am just now realizing how distant I made my wife feel during those times. With bipolar, it's like you said - there are some days when I can just be really irritable and mean to other people. If someone upsets me, I always point the finger at them and seldom accept my share of the blame. I have to win every argument and can be really selfish.

The good news is that the medicines really do help. It can take a while to find the right one (I'm still going through that process), but I'm optimistic. When I take a mood stabilizer, I feel more connected to people around me and more sympathetic. It's almost like I'm a different person. There will be times when your wife might seem distant because some of the meds can make you less social or feel kind of blah, but they should at least curb her hypomanic tendencies. I'll pray for you that things continue to get better; hang in there!
Yep it feels like she was on the wrong medication. Thanks for your post, I found your story helpful.

Deep down inside, I fear that her current medication might not work. Or that she's misdiagnosed again. All the uncertainty about the future is difficult to manage.
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Default Aug 21, 2019 at 10:09 AM
  #20
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Originally Posted by losthusband View Post
Amazing post that touched me multiple times. Thank you.
You are more than welcome. I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through. I am a mother to two little ones about the same age as yours. I got sick myself for the first time last fall. It came on very suddenly and my episode was pretty extreme. I had full blown manic psychosis with hallucinations and everything. My husband took the brunt of my fury while I was in that state. I am very happily married and for some reason my brain made him the enemy. I still don't understand why. I had to be taken from my home in front of my children. Very sad times.

My father came to me in the hospital. He cried and held my hand and begged me to realize my husband was my best friend and that my mind was broken. He begged me to accept help and partner with my husband on all of my treatment. I remembered all that my parents had suffered and I promised my dad I would fight with all I had to fix what I had broken and that I would do everything I could to protect my marriage and my family.

It was devastating, but my Mother's experience served me during my own trauma. I can see that I might have pushed my husband away if I had not seen what it did to my parents. I took their tragedy and honored my father and used it to hold onto something good. I'm doing well 9 months later and our family is happy and healing. My hope is that you can have that too. It makes me happy to know that sharing a little bit about my pain helps in some way.
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