Bipolar check in #37

Last night I was beside myself. I was exhausted, but wanted to rush around, I felt impulsively suicidal for no reason, my insides were flipping around making being still very uncomfortable, and my mind was raging with wild, racing thoughts. It was like a mixed state. As I could no longer bear it I took 25 mg of Seroquel which I keep for emergencies. Nothing. So I had more and finally fell asleep. This morning I feel calm and ok but I’m worried about what’s in store for me.

All these symptoms I believe are due to me tapering off Lithium. Lithium never stopped a mixed state so I doubt it is a re-emergence of Bipolar. It has been three weeks since I started tapering. Six days since awful physical, now emotional, symptoms started, and I am only 5/8th’s the way off Lithium. For now I’m going to sit at this dose till things calm down. F***ing meds!

On top of this those closest to me are fed up with me being unwell or dealing with this kind of stuff so I have no one to talk to outside my T. Maybe that’s enough. It just hurts that I’ve burnt out those close to me. I’ve lost many relationships before so I’m keeping my mouth shut and talking about fluffy stuff.

Last night worried me. The feeling of being mixed is almost unbearable. I’m trying to move forwards in my life but keep getting stuck. I need to be in good health off Lithium. I’ve come off benzodiazepines before and this is just as bad. Guess all I can do is push on, and try and have some fun along the way.

Well I was able to get a few hours of sleep last night.

I am concerned , the other night my husband and I stayed up all night watching Shameless, had a great time , but he’s not capable of losing much sleep, but he got a lot of sleep last night as he went to bed early early.

We had dinner and I thought he was off in the bathroom, no he had climbed into bed, only complaint was he’s just tired and felt a bit chilly. I put a very light throw on him. He didn’t leave it on long.

I’m hoping hoping hoping he’s just still recovering from lack of sleep that night and there is nothing brewing again.

So I’m back again on high alert.. generally this is how things will likely be now in my life off and on. Watching him like a hawk and paying attention to him being more tired or just”off” in the slightest way.

He said to me while he was in the hospital that he always thought he would be the one really needing to take care of me because of my many health problems. I know he feels bad, I mean who wants to be taken care of more than just getting the flu or bronchitis once a year or so ?

It’s been really hot mostly upper 90’s humidity isn’t great but it’s not horrible. That could be part of the problem.

Stress stress and stress

I certainly understand your wanting to cut down on meds but maybe it’s not a good idea right now ?? Do you have trouble in general when the seasons change ? Maybe just bad timing ?

I think holding Lithium at this dose for a while is smart. It’s unlikely that your in any kinda of therapeutic level , but as I shared it was hell for me getting off it

As for burning people out. When I was diagnosed every waking moment for me was consumed by Bipolar , I burned numerous friends out for sure. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. But I did quickly learn that I can’t expect people with out Bipolar to understand it and it’s just overwhelming, most people’s brains run so slow compared to ours.

So ...I stopped really discussing my Bipolar unless it was here on PC and my Therapist.

I thank DocJohn for creating this safe place for people to find our “birds of a feather” support.

I'm so tired. I was up sick all night until 5:30 AM. I have to stay up another 2 hours or I'll just wake up and be awake in the night for a few hours. I thought my GI issues were better but yesterday was horrible. I have 10 more days until I see the GI. I honestly thought I was going to be cancelling it because I was so much better but now I'm going.

I'm dogsitting for a few days while my mom helps a friend who has surgery tomorrow. It means a lot of back and forth between our houses (but we live across a driveway away so that's good). It does tend to mess with my sleep schedule even more and that worries me. I have been a bit hypo and have no desire to go further up. I'm glad I can help, just anxious that I'll get sicker and not be in my own private home. I have to try milk again. I've had yogurt and been ok so I thought I was probably fine with milk but truthfully dairy products have been ok so I'm not sure why I thought yogurt would be different than cheese. I have bad feelings about milk after yesterday showed me the same issues still exist and I've just had some better days.

I hope I sleep tonight. I have things I want to get done tomorrow. I'd love to go shopping since I have a coupon, I need to go get my mom's birthday present, I need to go to the bank, etc.

At least I have a couple of days to get my mom's present. She won't be home until Thursday night or Friday.

Sometimes later in the fall I do get depressed, it could be starting a little early this year. I think it might also be partly because I worked from home last week and it threw off my routine. I actually do feel better after seeing my friends tonight. It's always a nice surprise when I push myself to be social and it lifts my mood.

Thanks. Since Lithium has already messed with my thyroid and the Bipolar has been calm I decided it is time to get off it before it does anymore damage. Unfortunately it does help me by controlling dangerous impulsivity, and dulling extreme emotions so it was a carefully considered call. As I have a tonne of coping skills and a good professional support network my pdoc and I decided it was worth a go. I am hoping this turmoil is just a phase and I will be well soon.

As for coming off other meds I am planning to start coming off benzodiazepines once I’m stable off Lithium. I hate how addicted I am to them (ten years on them this time), and what they do to my memory and cognition. I’m in no rush though. Ziprasidone (Geodon) has worked wonders for me so I will stay on that.

And yes I have a bee in my bonnet about meds and would rather be on none. Still, I am trying to do this rationally and safely. I want my brain back.

My episodes don’t follow a seasonal pattern so it’s not that. I’m sure coming off of Lithium has tipped the balance in my brain temporarily. I can get through this. It is just painful feeling so deeply again; in good and bad ways. I see my T shortly so will discuss all this with him. Thanks again for your support.

Gah !! I’m so sorry your still struggling with G.I. problems like this, I sure hope they can figure out a way to help you quickly.

I hope you will soon beable to get out , but I’m sure your mom would understand if the gift is late due to your health.

Feel better

Cristina, I hope you get some sleep tonight.
sorry you are on alert so to speak....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi

I dont want to take my meds anymore

I was hearing voices last night... I slept 11 hours, too, so it's not like I heard things because of a lack of sleep.

Fortunately, the voices didn't say anything bad. They just said random words that I couldn't make sense of (and I prefer it that way if I'm going to get voices).

I am hoping to have a good, productive day again today. Monday and Tuesday were good for me, so I'm hoping today will be good as well.

Even though I am glad that my last two days have been productive, I am still feeling depressed. I want the depression to go away, but I realize it will take some time.

I'll be leaving for my volunteering in 15 mins. I had trouble getting up this morning, but I did a lot already, despite (breakfast on table, ironed three things, full shower, made hubby's lunch). I don't have as much dread about it, this morning, as I had yesterday. We'll see how it goes. I wish their office was closer to my home. It's about 40 mins away in fairly heavy and aggressive driver traffic.

When I help NAMI with events, they will be closer to home. All of their event sites are just 20 to 25 minutes from my house.

Well zero sleep despite 4 Xanax through out the night. I’m zooming

Hope everyone has a great day

You have a great attitude today. That will serve you well. You're doing something worthwhile for yourself and your community today. I hope it works out that you can enjoy it.

I am glad things are manageable.
You keep on keeping on! Reminds me to do the same. I learn a lot from you, Blue.

A 40 minute drive to volunteer would feel a bit much for me, too.
I hope you have a rewarding day!

Maybe zoom to my house for dinner?

I really hope you're able to sleep soon, you've hardly gotten any in like a week

Got quiche in the oven. Hope it turns out. I made it a bit different than the recipe called for. My sister is coming today to be here when the housekeeper mum is hiring stops by.

I've been sleeping quite a bit the past two days. Which is good for me because I was barely sleeping for over a week. I feel much calmer. I was going to do laundry today but really don't feel like it so I'm doing it Friday. Went to the library and got some books and an audio book. I've never listened to an audio book before so that should be fun. Going to lunch with my friend tomorrow. I've been studying Italian and drawing a lot. Need to start studying anatomy, so I can improve my art.

Time to make a pot of decaf coffee, I've been somewhat chilly lately.

Hope everyone is doing okay/and gets better if not