Bipolar check in #37

So my SIL (brother’s wife) was supposed to come to girls night with me and my other SIL (husbands sister) on Saturday. Well of course she cancelled. Always something more important than me. And when I brought that up to her she got mad at me, saying it’s not her fault blah blah she’s a working mom her and my brother don’t have time etc etc. but they had time to go to her moms house every weekend this summer, seems like they just don’t have time for me. My son has seen his cousin maybe six or eight times since she was born in Jan of 2018. That’s probably the maximum amount of times I’ve seen them too. She acts like I dont understand what it’s like to be a working mom in a tough job with a family to take care of.

I’m over it. I think I just have to practice radical acceptance that I will never be close to them again. It’s sucks because we all used to be best friends. I don’t know. I get their daughter is the focus of their lives now. I’m just sad that I’ll never get my best friends back.

Other than that I’m ok. Just learned today though that one of the other English teachers is leaving so I will now have 8 students in my class 5th period with no para. 5th period is a complete **** show anyway so now I have no hope of ever getting anything done. I’m going to have to get creative about how I grade them because I know I’ll never get them to listen to me long enough to do anything useful. Sigh.

First time doing this, don't know if I will be able to do it everyday, we will see.

I had a good appointment with my T today, we talked about some things that I need to work at "not doing" and doing. For example, we talked about lingering memories of a past life. How it's not healthy to stay stuck in the past and he said that you can't just quit doing something, you have to replace it with something else in order for it to be really successful. This was a conversation about my daughter that I haven't seen or spoken to in 10 years. (painful subject for me) We also talked about getting a message to my Psych to see about an increase in my Zoloft since its still at the starting dose of 25. Hopefully I will hear something back this week from her about it.
I am doing ok other than that, staying calm and watching some good shows on TV, I just watched Oblivion with Tom Cruise. cool movie if you like future stuff. then I watched the Legend of Tarzan. also a good movie but it's not futuristic like the other show. I spent some time doing some chores and a bunch of things knocked so that I won't have to do them tomorrow. I was planning on taking a shower today, but that didn't happen. I will make it my goal for tomorrow though.

Saw my T yesterday and after explaining all the symptoms I’m having due to tapering off of Lithium he urged me to contact my pdoc. I emailed my pdoc and he asked me to slightly increase my dose and once stable begin tapering off much slower. I agreed and increased my dose as of yesterday.

Hopefully it will calm me down as my symptoms are like an awful mixed episode. I feel constantly on the verge of losing control. It’s getting dangerous. After telling my T my symptoms he asked how my driving is. Lol. Yeh, a bit on the wild side, but generally safe. My T smiled but I could tell he was concerned. I hate have to slow my taper but this situation is spiraling.

It’s 10 am. Not sure what I’m doing today. Pretty restless so I will probably organise my flat, and my life.

You are certainly welcome to post daily; yet, there is no requirement to post here daily.
Looking forward to your posts!

I'm feeling very agitated tonight. But inspired too, I just did some artwork I've been meaning to do and put it on my blog. I'm angry and I have no clue why. I can't relax enough to sleep so I aimlessly pace around. Just took one of my prn klonopin.

Feel free to PM me anytime.
I am fairly used to pain and would get back to you as soon as I could. I would not feel a any pressure. I do appreciate your concern.

Well, I decided to add a picture to my profile. It is a photo of myself that has been processed by AI software. This image is suppose to be how I will look at a much older age. Actually, this picture portrays how I have been feeling lately. Depressed. Fatigued. Sad. Upset. However, this should only be for a period of time. Eventually, my mood will change.

The death of my mother back over a year ago has been hitting me hard. I feel so tired and upset. I think about something that I would want to talk to my mother about, just to remind myself once again of her passing. Over the years, part of me has had a strong desire to get back with my daughter's mother, even though this is very unrealistic for a multitude of reasons. My first love. Only recently have I on an emotional level came to the concrete realization that this is not possible, and would actually be a bad thing to happen to me. I will need to keep moving forward past this. At times this still can be a struggle.

My daughter was arrested a couple months ago. Her and her boyfriend apparently can be violent toward each other. How did this come to be? Is she going to become the battered spouse along with its associated changes in "personality"? Subservient minded. Timid. Dependent. Continually eager to please? Basically a noticeable loss of her identity? I do believe that when a women is beaten by their SO, their brain can start to function differently. Not good. Perhaps a very difficult path back to a more healthy normalcy.

PS My avatar is a picture of my dog sprawled out on the living room floor with her back to me. Right now she is not following my commands for her to come over to me. Must be nice. A dogs life! Watch her come to life if I get her leash out for a walk outdoors. Like magic. LOL

Feeling considerably depressed still. Even worse, I slept through the time I normally take my meds. I slept from 6pm until 5am -- straight.

I'm going to try getting back into reading. I don't know how much luck I will have with it, but I'm going to give it a shot. I think reading may help distract me from my depression; that is, if I can actually concentrate enough to read...

Maybe it may help me to find a bipolar book to read (especially since there's a nice sticky in this forum), or just any one of Carrie Fisher's. idk. I could give it a shot, though.

My taper off Geodon is going well. I've only noticed a few changes. I've been tired lately and I've needed a few naps here and there. My sleep at night has been a bit disturbed. I'm dreaming like crazy and I keep waking in between dreams. The dreams are very vivid and a few of them have been disturbing. I've been able to handle it though and I'm able to go back to sleep fairly quickly each time. I try to keep a stable sleep schedule, but I am allowing myself a few naps while I adjust.

My eyes have been twitching like crazy. I'm wondering if it is related to the taper. I've never had it happen so consistently and it only started after I started to wean from Geodon. I'm not sure if It is important or not. I plan to mention it to my pdoc.

The only other thing I have noticed is that I am hungrier than usual. I've been pretty strict about my eating lately, but I'm allowing myself some extra snacks for the time being. I don't mind gaining an extra pound or two while I wean if my body needs the extra calories while it adjusts. I can lose it later and I feel it is more important to give my body what it is asking for during this transition.

My friends and family, including some wonderful people here, have done a fantastic job of checking in with me. I've also been journaling and we haven't noticed any changes in my mood or behavior so far. I'm incredibly grateful for that. I check in with my pdoc and my therapist next week, so I'll give them the same update and let them assess how I'm doing as well.

I will be taking 20mg every 3 days starting tomorrow. I'll do that until I run out of pills and I think I have 7 or so left. It feels like this process is taking a long time, but I'm being extra cautious.

I think the Depakote is finally starting to work. My mood is getting a little better. I'm still depressed and suicidalbut not as depressed and suicidal. The pdoc at PHP also took me off Trintellix and put me on Prozac on Monday. But I don't think that could be having an effect yet.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Blue, when I'm too sick to read adult books or anything complicated I read children's books I love and have read so many times that I can handle them. I have the Little House books that I can read beginning to end and then restart happily in hardback so it can go IP with me (it's also my first choice usually) and I have the Anne of Green Gables books on my Kindle. They really help me to not get frustrated and still be able to read and distract myself a bit.

I think .i am starting to like this Abilify after around 2.5, w weeks on it. Or maybe liking the decrease of Seroquel to 100/mg per night (though I have a feeling the pdoc will put it to 200 mg my next appt. Feel somewhat hypomanic. Clonodine has been cut in half, and I think I am bit less forgetful.

Weather today is ominous. My daughter has school, but H’s university is closed. He couldn’t make there anyway with the roads he has to take flooded.

It is dark as night outside at 10 AM. Hope we don’t lose power.

Couple pics that don’t show the dark

I'm glad to read that your Abilify is starting to help you, Blueberrybook. I hope the storm isn't that bad. It does look ominous.

That's good news about your mood improvement. I hope every day is a little better. Please don't get discouraged if you have what seems like a worse day again. In my case, I would sometimes feel a little better for a couple days, and then worse again for one or two, then better again and then even a little better, then worse for a day or so, then better and better. I don't know if it will work that way for you.

I have no major obligations for well over a week. It feels good. I'm also lucky that my hubby did the dishes last night, so I have few chores today. I planned meals for our vacation next week, but need to create the grocery list (I'll be cooking). I promised that the meals would be diet-friendly. Such meal planning is unique. The kitchen will have needed tools, but the pantry will likely have few, if any. Apparently there is a wonderful gas grill there. The weather is supposed to be nice, so most dinners will be grilled. We only have a charcoal grill at home, which is a little hassle.

The place we're going is in the PA mountains and has a lake in the back of the house.

My psychiatrist wouldn't lower my Seroquel XR. I think he thought I was hypomanic. I think he often thinks that. Actually, once he told me that my baseline mood is mildly hypomanic. I don't put it that way. I rather like saying I have a hyperthymic personality. That sounds a lot less dysfunctional. Anyway, I did say that I still have good energy and have been sleeping well, and waking up ready to start the day.

Our internet was so slow. Hubby asked me to call Verizon. I did chat, instead. [A better idea for me.] But they asked me questions and gave me instructions I was perplexed about. I must have called hubby at work at least six times. Fortunately, the problem did get resolved in the end.

Thanks. That's a good idea. I should read kiddie books. There are so many amazing works out there for children that I haven't read.

I have some kindle credits that I could use toward buying a kiddie book if necessary. Only $2, but ehhh, better than nothing.

Now I'll go google for some lists of "Best children books" etc..

I'm in a rut still, but at least I survived this morning's meeting at work. (Well, it was a video call and I'm working from home, but whatever.)

I'm just having bad thoughts all around -- like really, really bad thoughts. But I'm trying to be positive and keep myself afloat until my therapy appt tomorrow. Not sure how honest I can be with my therapist, though. I don't want her misinterpreting things on me.

And right now, the only reason I'm not harming myself or whatever is that my grandma is still in the hospital recovering from her mastectomy and my mom is already a wreck, and I know that hurting myself would hurt her.

I was able to sleep last night after taking one of my prn klonopin. All through the night. And I also took a nap this morning after I took my daytime meds. I've been feeling exceptionally lazy.

I've been putting off washing my clothes. Doing laundry is one thing but when your apartment complex refuses to fix the damage to the laundry room and you have no car so you have to carry your laundry half a mile to a laundromat in the heat, it's just kind of frustrating. :/ I'm doing it tomorrow morning though cause I can't put it off any longer since it's making me anxious about not getting it done.

Have some major cleaning to do this weekend.

I have an appointment with someone at my college next week and my case manager is coming so we can get things straightened out so I can begin classes again in the spring. Excited about that, I've missed it so much. Have had way too much time on my hands.

I'm getting sleep so that's a good thing. For some reason though it's hard to get myself up when I wake up. I just kind of lay there for 20 or 30 minutes thinking about getting up but not wanting to even though I may not be tired. Not sure what that's about.

Anyway, I hope to get myself into gear and get some stuff done I need to over the next couple days.

Hope everyone is doing okay today

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain